Free At Last

[achilles heel]

Day 16

Very difficult day, had sex last night and drank - facing chaser effect and a little hangover today. My only goal is to complete today, have to be more careful definitely.

 

[achilles heel]

Day 0

This one was obvious:

Very difficult day, had sex last night and drank - facing chaser effect and a little hangover today. My only goal is to complete today, have to be more careful definitely.

How could I expect to just succeed without changing anything?

Anyway, at some point it becomes ridiculous to write "Day 0" over and over again. I made a cut today, got a new phone, change my computer, put restrictions to my life and go for my last attempt here.

Have been back in the porn trap since this last entry and feel miles away from those better days with long abstinence. My constant failure is ridiculous, it's 4 1/2 years that I keep writing "Day 0" with my longest streak of abstinence being 100 days.

If I fail this time I will delete this account and go for professional help instead, enough is enough. Currently I am changing every aspect of my life to just get rid of this addiction and "starting again" is not an option anymore.

 

[BlueHeronMk2]

Hey, man, it's been a long time, but I'm sorry to hear about the trouble.

The world is a weird place and has been for months. That's not to say you don't have any responsibility, but it is just a reminder that the world around us can have an effect on our susceptibility to urges, etc. Building a new life in pleasant circumstances is hard enough. Keep at it, make changes, hold yourself accountable.

That first time we looked at porn wasn't a life sentence. We'll get it.

 

[smeagle44]

Hey brother, I've been reading parts of your journal and it's scary how many similarities I see between you and me...

I also had the same realization that despite my best efforts, I can't overcome this addiction by myself. I also started recently seeking professional help and going to SAA support group meetings.

Best of luck with your continued recovery--I hope you make it.

 

[achilles heel]

Day 0

It has been a very long time since my last entry and of course this wasn't because I successfully overcame my addiction but because I didn't fight it seriously anymore. Of course I "tried" to quit, but I'm pretty much back in the old recovery-relapse circle. Last weekend I had a horrible two day binge that made me think "THIS TIME I QUIT FOR REAL" and this weekend I went back to the porn abyss as usual.

The negative effects are still very real, the whole corona situation has made my social anxiety less visible, but it definitely increases. I get nervous again, I feel all eyes on me after my binges. I am losing precious life time and damage my health due to not sleeping and eating properly. The decrease in libido and PIED "light" are also already back. Not to mention the shame because of the stuff I watched and did during those long lasting binges.

Apparently this is serious enough for me to keep starting again and again and again. 5 years in this community, first tried to quit 8 years ago, this is almos a decade and it will become more difficult with every day.

It's important to not let this new start being fueled by self hatred but by reason. The motivation out of anger and despair always led to failure as soon as those negative emotions vanished. I need to realize that porn is bad for me and that I can't control it. Neither can I control a "little dose" nor can I control keeping triggers around me.

Once again I have to radically change my life, in mid 2019 I made it 100 days and had a major impact on my life. I can be a very happy person, but I need to get rid of this demon that holds me back for far too long.

The only good news is that for almost eight months I didn't do any drugs, but I owe my success mostly to the limited social life and no parties being available. I hope to complete one year clean this summer and gain motivation and distance to further advance to a life without drugs and porn.

And as I mentioned here before I am not happy with this journal being 32 pages of "Day 0" and failures. I'm not happy that I announced "last chances" and quitting in case of failure, because that's not the spirit. I promise to whoever might read this that I will not give up until I finally succeed and leave this addiction behind. It is not impossible, just incredibly difficult, but if it was easy, nobody would set up a journal to write about their daily struggle.

Well, while I'm writing this "Day 0" is over and I made a detailed plan on nutrition, exercise and daily tasks to leave behind the bad habits of my "corona life" - while this pandemic and its restrictions are probably the worst circumstances to fight this addiction, I see it as a chance to make a major change despite those obstacles.

 

[escapeandnevercomeback]

I know, man. I've been trying to quit watching porn for more than 10 years. It started for a different reason and then I added the fact that I found out it was an addiction in 2018. But I haven't been successful yet. I am what some people like to call a serial relapser. A guy who keeps relapsing and never getting a considerable long streak. 100 days for you is more than I've ever done. The longest hard mode was 21 days and the longest with 2 MO sessions without porn was 40+ days. It's ridiculous, really.

What I've learned in all this time is that there is no grey with porn addiction. It's black or white. There is no room for messing with porn because this means trying to control porn use and a definition of addiction is that the drug is in control, our drug being porn, actually the dopamine released by porn, as porn is only the button we push to get this dopamine that I like to call porn dopamine.

This being said, there is no room for "A little bit won't hurt", "A little bit won't set me back too much" and other thoughts similar to these. It's either manage hyper sexualized porn thoughts and triggers or go back to relapse. The relapse will eventually come when you mess around with porn. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow but it adds up. Me trying to control porn has led me back to binges, while thinking that I was reducing porn and therefore doing amazingly great. I was just kidding myself. Complete porn dopamine starvation is the only way in my book. And only this will starve porn to death until it stops being a presence in my head. And this leads to: Complete starvation is brutal but the only way. This means a form of suffering and this is where people fail. We must understand that we must suffer the withdrawal that includes crazy craving, crazy urges, mind invaded by porn, anxiety, shaking, depression, sadness etc. You might have all of them, you might have only a few of them but it means suffering anyway. I used to rebel against the suffering because I didn't think I deserved to suffer after already suffering because of what the addiction was putting me through. I asked "Why me? I am a victim, I didn't know porn was a damn addiction!" but this didn't solve anything because I still had/have to go through the suffering in order to beat this. If I don't, somehow, find a way to deal with the suffering, I will never quit, and it starts mentally first. I see people having plans and doing great but they still relapse because they haven't been able to accept the suffering. Me neither. We must start being prepared and accepting that suffering will follow. This is the first thing to do before anything else.

 

[Hablablos]

Hello achiless,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having problems. I am having difficult time as well. It's been years since I discovered I am porn addict and tried to deal with it. For some time I was active in this community and it helped me. But after that a lot of things happened.

And as I mentioned here before I am not happy with this journal being 32 pages of "Day 0" and failures. I'm not happy that I announced "last chances" and quitting in case of failure, because that's not the spirit. I promise to whoever might read this that I will not give up until I finally succeed and leave this addiction behind. It is not impossible, just incredibly difficult, but if it was easy, nobody would set up a journal to write about their daily struggle.

I know this very well. But what helped me back then and what I am trying to do over the years is this quote:

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."

In this case I am trying to get better with my hobbies and habits, because I see them as a way out. Recently I started using Habitica because I found that helpful in really trying to do my habits. I did them before, but with this I have another (sure it seems sometimes silly )) reason why to do my habits.

Just a little reminder about habits, which I wrote you a year ago:

"Fuck motivation. It's a fickle and unreliable and isn't worth your time. Better to cultivate habits, than rely on motivation. Force yourself to do things. Force yourself to get out of bed and practice. Force yourself to work. Motivation is fleeting and easy to rely on because it requires no concentrated efford to get. Motivation comes to you, you don't even have to chase after it. Habits are reliable. Motivation is fleeting."

You can do this!

 

[achilles heel]

Thank you very much, escapeandnevercomeback and Hablablos! Unfortunately it IS Day 0 again and lately I don't last long at my attempts. Instead of a long entry here I will make a plan for my next week, there has to be a way out!

 

[smeagle44]

Hey man, I'd highly encourage you to go to a 12-step support group meeting like SAA (meetings on Zoom) or see a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT). Seems like you're stuck in the relapse-recovery cycle and are having trouble breaking free. For me personally, I found out that my porn addiction had a lot of underlying issues and roots that had to be addressed. Good luck brother.

 

[achilles heel]

Hey man, I'd highly encourage you to go to a 12-step support group meeting like SAA (meetings on Zoom) or see a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT). Seems like you're stuck in the relapse-recovery cycle and are having trouble breaking free. For me personally, I found out that my porn addiction had a lot of underlying issues and roots that had to be addressed. Good luck brother.

Thanks a lot for your support once again, I already thought about that many times, but confessing this problem in real life is way harder than joining this anonymous board and write about it. I had great success here already and I know I can make it again.

Lately I am having trouble to even make it a week clean, the last days I went on repeated binges again and feel like I am at my worst stage in a long time. For now I just need to write here on a daily basis and fight this as serious as I can, starting right now, 9 hours clean!

 

[achilles heel]

Day 1

First 24 hours complete, due to my frequent porn use lately this will be a very difficult journey. Today I have lots of plans to keep myself busy and my next goal is to write here tomorrow and remain clean. Daily success is the key and I try to improve in every area of my life again as I did before.

 

[achilles heel]

Day 2

Very good and productive start so far, a key to my former success was making myself believe in a real change, not just counting days again. Despite all the failed attempts I have this feeling of a new life and it is up to me to push through the tough times ahead.

 

[achilles heel]

Day 3

Considering my latest struggle, this is already a success now. I'm still doing well and go for another day clean!

 

[achilles heel]

Day 4

This day will be really tough already, woke up with heavy urges, normally this doesn't happen that early in. I will keep going.

 

[escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 4

This day will be really tough already, woke up with heavy urges, normally this doesn't happen that early in. I will keep going.

This happens to me too. Urges starting earlier than "they should". And it sucks, big time.

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Achilles! I know it?s been a million years since I replied to one of your posts, but I wanted to say that I?m with you there all the way man! Keep being strong We?re all here rooting for you

I was just having tiny little urges to go and PMO pop into my head, but I decided to come onto RN and check in a bit with everyone, which is definitely helpful to dissipate urges at least a little bit - so you?ve actually helped me to stay clean, just by being able to comment on your story, so thank you!

I know what you?re talking about regarding ?early urges?. I find it?s the worst when that happens - for me it often happens where if I relapse, and PMO around 10-11 before bed, and then do manage to get some sleep, it?s very likely that I?ll have troubled sleep, and then wake up at like 3-4 with the urge to PMO. I  have found over the last 4-5 years since joining this forum, that cultivating and maintaining my solid sleep routine is one of the hardest things to do, but also probably the most valuable when it comes to my recovery from porn, and also just maintaining general good health.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw my two cents in there, and hopefully lend some support! I?m still meaning to leave a longer post on my own story (which I will do), but I just wanted to comment and say ?hey? on yours for now.

PS - regarding the earlier comment about SAA, I wanted to say that I was part of an SAA group for about a year and a half. I had to stop because I moved, but I did find it EXTREMELY HELPFUL! I know what you?re saying about it being difficult to talk to people in real life about it, but man, is it ever nice to be in a room of guys who know EXACTLY the struggles you?re going through. Both online and offline are good resources. But yeah, joining that SAA group was really helpful for me! It?s probably not as easy to join now during the pandemic, but I wanted to comment on that and give it my two thumbs up

All the best man! And best of luck staying clean in these next few days! The first several days are the most difficult, but then once you get through them and start to build up your self discipline more it should get a little bit easier.

All the best!!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

I second the idea of meetings being helpful. In my case however I did not find SAA helpful but find SMART recovery very helpful.

Whichever works for you is helpful. I strongly advocate for SMART and find it more successful BUT all that matters is if a program works for you.

Personally I go to smart meetings and keep my camera off and use the work book. I imagine that'd be an option in SAA as well.

A mindset of " I'll do anything to stop PMO (which is destroying my life) , EXCEPT actually share my struggles with real like minded people" might not be the most helpful. That being said - you can go to meetings with camera off and just type and do more from there as you feel comfortable - many people do just that.

I had a pretty dang embarrasing moment sharing about my porn addiction a week or so ago - yes it did suck. But I'll tell you what, it doesn't compare to the YEARS of pain the addiction caused. I mean nothing compares. The embarrassment isn't even 1% as bad or even close - so even if it only has a 1% chance of being helpful - thats worth it I reckon

 

[smeagle44]

Hey man, I'd highly encourage you to go to a 12-step support group meeting like SAA (meetings on Zoom) or see a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT). Seems like you're stuck in the relapse-recovery cycle and are having trouble breaking free. For me personally, I found out that my porn addiction had a lot of underlying issues and roots that had to be addressed. Good luck brother.

Thanks a lot for your support once again, I already thought about that many times, but confessing this problem in real life is way harder than joining this anonymous board and write about it. I had great success here already and I know I can make it again.

Lately I am having trouble to even make it a week clean, the last days I went on repeated binges again and feel like I am at my worst stage in a long time. For now I just need to write here on a daily basis and fight this as serious as I can, starting right now, 9 hours clean!

Hey Achilles, here's a list of things I've done "in real life" to put a stopper on my porn addiction:
1. Told my ultra-religious parents I was addicted to internet porn
2. Started going to SAA meetings and told my entire story to like-minded people
3. Went to an SAA meeting every day for 30 days
4. Started seeing a therapist and told her my entire story

And guess what. IT WORKS. You're a porn addict who's been relapsing for 4 years, and it's time you take some more serious measures to recover. Good luck brother.

 

[achilles heel]

Day 1

I am still in a recovery-relapse circle and finally feel the motivation again to take this as serious as I need to. Yesterday I went for a binge for hours again and lately it is hard for me again to even stay off porn for a few days.

I want to make it through this weekend as a first and important goal, I need to go step by step out of the abyss once again, starting now.

 

[96LostWanderer]

Consider the practical things you can do to reduce relapses. Do you use your phone or laptop in your bedroom? Try to only use them in a public part of your house/flat if you live with other people. If you have a car, you could consider locking your devices in the car overnight or whenever you feel the most urges to look at porn. Otherwise you could purchase a safe and lock them in there.