Free At Last

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Made it past the weekend, 22 days complete and I get triggered by everything. A YouTube video with a girl showing some cleavage is already enough and my brain plays tricks on me like “Go google her!” and that’s how usually my relapses start. I have to be more careful about my browsing habits, this is week 4 and as I remember it becomes a little easier in the second month, but for now I get a friendly reminder why I failed so many times right around the third/fourth week. This time
I’m prepared and dedicated to make it past that point and way further!
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
I finally got a chance to read a few of your older posts and saw that you are two years sober from a drug addiction. That’s really significant, you have been through a journey, for sure.

I think it’s great to make plans! What are some of the highlights from the plan for this week?

Kraken
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot, Kraken! In terms of drugs I am still doing well and keep a day count for myself, I’m two months away from 1000 days clean and looking forward to that milestone for sure.

To answer your question about being busy I have to add some personal information I didn’t mention it in the journal as I’m a father by now. There has been a big change in terms of my life overall and my circle of friends as now my wife and I are meeting other parents and I rarely go out to any parties anymore.

I’m currently building a business, do exercise/sports almost every day before sleep and in my rare free time plan family activities. I already read two books this year, currently reading the third and did well in building healthy habits over the last years.

Despite all of that, self organizing work from home led to time alone in front of the computer/cell phone and my worst habit had come back lately on a very regular basis, therefore I’m very happy I finished 25 days clean so far!

I have a huge advantage now compared to some years ago and just need to take this as serious as it gets. As I mentioned in this journal, the almost-accident I suffered four weeks ago was a wake up call for me, I feel like God gave me a second chance and a beautiful life and there is one thing left I have to change. Yes, this is the hardest task I ever faced and I failed hundreds of times - but now it’s time to leave porn behind forever!
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thank you very much!

One month complete, but I had such heavy urges that I had trouble sleeping the last nights and honestly doubted I would make it. The night before last night I thought that I had to relapse sooner or later to be able to sleep again. When I don’t have enough sleep I am more likely to relapse, but last night I just fell asleep and woke up just now in the morning feeling much better.

It’s a reminder to myself that I’m still at the beginning and healing is a long process. There is a reason why I didn’t overcome this addiction until now and I once again experience the power it has over me.
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
Thank you very much!

One month complete, but I had such heavy urges that I had trouble sleeping the last nights and honestly doubted I would make it. The night before last night I thought that I had to relapse sooner or later to be able to sleep again. When I don’t have enough sleep I am more likely to relapse, but last night I just fell asleep and woke up just now in the morning feeling much better.

It’s a reminder to myself that I’m still at the beginning and healing is a long process. There is a reason why I didn’t overcome this addiction until now and I once again experience the power it has over me.
Great work!!! For me, a ten minute guided meditation has helped me fall asleep recently.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot, Kraken - my sleep is back to normal and it‘s day 35. I have to fight thoughts that come up like “why torture yourself? Sooner or later you will relapse!” that try to trick me into porn again.

I definitely feel the benefits, because this is the life I want to live and not the wasted hours, shame, despair and self-hatred that are porn. I have been so productive lately and don’t waste my time alone with this garbage anymore.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Week 6 and so far it’s the worst, I feel really desperate about cravings and self doubts are growing. I failed so many times in the past that subconsciously I doubt my success. The first weeks went rather easy compared to earlier attempts, but now the thought of “If you make it through this day, you will suffer tomorrow again!” comes back every time I feel strong urges.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Didn’t make it much further after my last journal entry, despite not using social media I ended up on twitter after reading a news article that included a twitter quote. Started clicking around there and ended on some accounts with non nude pics, then the “You’re already there, now it doesn’t make the difference to go all the way!”-mode set in and I felt so bad afterwards that I didn’t want to start with “day 0” again here.

There have been various resets since and yesterday was another one. Now I have been taking restrictions serious again to make another serious attempt at quitting. This is day 1, first goal is to complete 24 hours.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 6

So far I had a good start, the next weekend is coming and as a big problem has been alcohol and relapsing afterwards, I decided to not drink for a while. As I’m combining this with exercise and healthy nutrition, I hope for a long term success of building good habits again. I made it 40 days some weeks ago, my first new goal is to make it beyond 40 this time.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 12

Heavy urges already, I need to be very careful now and avoid triggers at all costs. Still going well in terms of exercise und nutrition, this definitely helps and I will continue taking a break from alcohol to not risk my progress.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 13

Daily reminder to myself that all the efforts are worth it and I need to stay strong. Weekend is coming soon, I will keep avoiding alcohol and any possible triggers!
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 16

Definitely I am at the most critical stage now and after years of failure there are lots of doubts about ever making it. Instead of thinking about quitting porn forever, I rather focus on reaching goals step by step and my next goal is to complete three weeks. Still not drinking alcohol helps a lot as I don’t have the usual sunday hangover that led to relapses often.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 19

Still doing very well in terms of my streak, going almost three weeks in absolute hard mode and not drinking alcohol at all.

This time it comes along with depression, I experienced this at former reboot attempts, but it’s still hard to handle.

My brain starts rationalizations like “Look, there is no magic powers from quitting porn, you might as well live with this addiction!” and combined with really feeling low, I have to be very very careful now.

Subconsciously I sometimes do expect some magic powers as some of the success stories fuel unrealistic expectations, but on the other hand it hasn’t even been three weeks now that can not reverse years and years of addiction.

I need to be patient and consistent, two more days until completing three weeks and then get through the weekend.
 
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