Free At Last

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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 2

Made it through the first day, but today I will spend time alone at home and it will be very difficult.

Lately I fell for the pattern of my addicted brain telling me “You’re home alone for various hours, make use of it, you’re close to day 0 anyway and can start a new streak anytime soon!”

I have about 8-10 hours to prove that I will make good use of my time, exercise, get my tasks done and get back on track instead of wasting another day.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
achilles heel said:
Day 2

Made it through the first day, but today I will spend time alone at home and it will be very difficult.

Lately I fell for the pattern of my addicted brain telling me “You’re home alone for various hours, make use of it, you’re close to day 0 anyway and can start a new streak anytime soon!”

I have about 8-10 hours to prove that I will make good use of my time, exercise, get my tasks done and get back on track instead of wasting another day.
Click to expand...
That's right, that's the fuckin trick, the addicted brain likes to do this type of shit. "You're not that further ahead into this streak anyway, you can restart again tomorrow and make it to day 2 in no time!" But you can't listen to that bullshit.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 3

Thanks a lot, Escapeandnevercomeback, I‘m proud to announce that I had one of the most productive days ever and advanced.

After years of trying to recover and relapsing again, I know the keys and simply have to work hard. The first days are really tough, but I need to be aware to not lower my guards later on either.

Next partial goal is completing one week.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 10

Had another “Day 0”, and then again because “You can make a new start beginning with the new month”. Sometimes I’m feeling tired of fighting with myself.

So far I made it through November and actually reach the two digits today. Should be motivation enough to build up upon this as lately I couldn’t even make it that far.

I remember that I discovered this community ten years ago (took a while to register and write though), when I was actually right in this age section. Time is running and I’m three years away from turning 40 now. It’s not like there is an infinite amount of time to get rid of this addiction, I have to act now and invest effort into leaving it behind.

Writing this down is a little reminder to myself to set my priorities right.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 0

There have been various “Day 0” once again. It’s always tough to start again, but I can’t expect different results despite changing absolutely nothing. If it was just about willpower, I could have stopped long ago. I will prepare a new beginning with heavy restrictions - the only way that worked for me. No cellphone in the bedroom or the bathroom, no exceptions. No P, no M, no fantasies at all, the only way is the hard way - everything else is just lying to myself to make life easier. But it isn’t easy at all.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 2

I kept myself very busy and went to bed without cellphone. So far I am having a good start and really feel the energy necessary to make it through the first days.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 8

I am following very strict rules, going hard mode, shutting down any sexual thoughts at all without cellphone in bedroom or bathroom and have to admit that I’m really having a difficult time. I’m feeling depressed, but I know that I will have to go through this once again.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 11

When I look back it’s no wonder I had my biggest streak in summer, because cold and dark winter days make this process even harder. I didn’t feel as low as I feel now in years and last night had some kind of panic attack remembering a near-death-experience from two years ago. I don’t know if I should call it a real panic attack, but I woke up with my heart racing and the fact that my heart was racing induced even more fear of death. I wonder how much is reboot induced but feel even more motivated to finally push all the way through to freedom. Writing this down will be an important reminder to myself.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 14

I’m totally convinced that I’m making a difference this time. December is always dangerous because the “You can start a clean streak on January 1st”-thought is around, but this time it’s not about a streak but about becoming clean.

I didn’t plan on not drinking ever again, but so far it’s half a year without alcohol. I eliminated one of the major triggers to relapse and don’t plan on drinking again any time soon. I’m going into my fifth year without drugs and despite still taking it seriously, I’m totally convinced to never go down that path again.

I stick to my restrictions and leave my phone out of bathroom and bedroom. It has the nice side effect of decreasing screen time and feeling calmer.

I accept the temporary state of feeling depressed as part of the sudden absence of stimulation combined with cold and dark weather outside. This will change, but I have to go through all of this again and afterwards make sure to not return to that eternal recovery-relapse circle. Life is beautiful without artificial highs.
 
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