achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 50
A little milestone, but I feel very strong cravings. This is really, really difficult now.
A little milestone, but I feel very strong cravings. This is really, really difficult now.
Free At Last
- Thread starter achilles heel
- Start date
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 56
8 weeks are another milestone and I’m close to two months, but I don’t stick to my restrictions anymore and lowered my guards, have to take this serious again!
8 weeks are another milestone and I’m close to two months, but I don’t stick to my restrictions anymore and lowered my guards, have to take this serious again!
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 63
Entering the third month, but I didn’t go back to my restrictions and almost relapsed when entering explicit image search and stopped myself before turning off the “safe search”.
Having my phone always near is a convenience I “sacrificed” for the greater good of quitting my addiction. Now after two months I’m not as aware of the problem anymore and lower my guards again and again.
This is the moment to go back to my routines and restrictions from the very beginning or I will regret this very soon. It’s weird because I’m arguing with myself and despite knowing better I’m acting out of laziness anyway. If I can’t turn that around, I will never be able to quit.
When I think back how difficult the beginning was, there is now an amazing opportunity at my hands to never go back and I want to go that way to a new life!
Entering the third month, but I didn’t go back to my restrictions and almost relapsed when entering explicit image search and stopped myself before turning off the “safe search”.
Having my phone always near is a convenience I “sacrificed” for the greater good of quitting my addiction. Now after two months I’m not as aware of the problem anymore and lower my guards again and again.
This is the moment to go back to my routines and restrictions from the very beginning or I will regret this very soon. It’s weird because I’m arguing with myself and despite knowing better I’m acting out of laziness anyway. If I can’t turn that around, I will never be able to quit.
When I think back how difficult the beginning was, there is now an amazing opportunity at my hands to never go back and I want to go that way to a new life!
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 1
Arguably the explicit image search could have counted as a relapse, but there were gradual escalations to follow. Despite “only” relapsing on softcore and not entering the full repertoire of genres and hours of bingeing, I can’t count this as abstinence anymore.
Maybe it’s a lesson though that I can prevent myself from the complete abyss and start again. This is what I do from now on, the negative effects aren’t as heavy either and should allow me to build upon the last streak.
Arguably the explicit image search could have counted as a relapse, but there were gradual escalations to follow. Despite “only” relapsing on softcore and not entering the full repertoire of genres and hours of bingeing, I can’t count this as abstinence anymore.
Maybe it’s a lesson though that I can prevent myself from the complete abyss and start again. This is what I do from now on, the negative effects aren’t as heavy either and should allow me to build upon the last streak.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 1
Needless to say, there was a “full” relapse to follow - here we go again.
Needless to say, there was a “full” relapse to follow - here we go again.
DIMA-NBA
Active Member
Hey @achilles heel how are you doing?
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot for caring, DIMA! Unfortunately I’m not doing well, but failed horribly lately. Today once again is Day 0 and I need an emergency plan to quit right now.
First of all it’s about today and the next days to get back on track, but I proved many times that I’m able to do this. The big question for me is, how to make this a sustainable progress and not throw all away once the last relapse is too far away to remember my desperation.
I will have to write here on a more frequent basis and reflect about my motivation to live a porn free life. It’s not just about going 3, 10 or 50 days porn free, but to leave this behind once and for all.
For now it’s just about getting through the first day without a new setback, but my task is to develop a long term plan and leave this addiction behind.
First of all it’s about today and the next days to get back on track, but I proved many times that I’m able to do this. The big question for me is, how to make this a sustainable progress and not throw all away once the last relapse is too far away to remember my desperation.
I will have to write here on a more frequent basis and reflect about my motivation to live a porn free life. It’s not just about going 3, 10 or 50 days porn free, but to leave this behind once and for all.
For now it’s just about getting through the first day without a new setback, but my task is to develop a long term plan and leave this addiction behind.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Exactly one week went by since my last relapse and so far I made it through mainly because of being extremely busy. Not a bad thing, but so far I didn’t reflect on what to change to make this a sustainable attempt at breaking free.
I’ll start with reducing my cell phone usage again as that’s always a key to success and I want to drastically reduce it independently from overcoming this addiction.
Quitting alcohol didn’t bring the success I excepted in terms of quitting porn, but it surely has positive effects on my health and I no longer struggle with hangover induced relapses.
Comparing my life now with five years ago, I advanced a lot and it’s up to me to leave the last demon behind. I will figure out what changes will be necessary and write an honest reflection about why I couldn’t quit so far.
I’ll start with reducing my cell phone usage again as that’s always a key to success and I want to drastically reduce it independently from overcoming this addiction.
Quitting alcohol didn’t bring the success I excepted in terms of quitting porn, but it surely has positive effects on my health and I no longer struggle with hangover induced relapses.
Comparing my life now with five years ago, I advanced a lot and it’s up to me to leave the last demon behind. I will figure out what changes will be necessary and write an honest reflection about why I couldn’t quit so far.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 0
It has been “day 0” for a couple of days in a row, but I had time for some honest and very personal reflection that I won’t lay out in detail as it’s really personal. But I guess being honest to myself is a key to success I didn’t fully follow and that’s why those self doubts arose during my latest attempts.
While last time I wrote that I just didn’t relapse in a week due to being busy, this time I’m fully convinced I will leave this addiction behind once and for all.
Some of the reflections I will write down in the days to come, for now it’s just the turning point in my life that I’m writing down here.
It has been “day 0” for a couple of days in a row, but I had time for some honest and very personal reflection that I won’t lay out in detail as it’s really personal. But I guess being honest to myself is a key to success I didn’t fully follow and that’s why those self doubts arose during my latest attempts.
While last time I wrote that I just didn’t relapse in a week due to being busy, this time I’m fully convinced I will leave this addiction behind once and for all.
Some of the reflections I will write down in the days to come, for now it’s just the turning point in my life that I’m writing down here.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 3
When I mentioned personal reflections, one important aspect is being honest to myself. I deleted all porn and nudes of ex-girlfriends and other girls I knew a long time ago, but I always kept some non-nudes like bikini pics in a hidden folder with the excuse that they are memories I will be missing one day if I deleted them. Some time ago I sensed they were causing problems and deleted them, but afterwards installed a recovery app and saved them. Now I finally installed an app that securely erased every pic remotely sexual and also overwrote the leftovers on the hard disc.
Being honest means admitting that despite my very hard efforts, I was the alcoholic who kept a bottle “just in case”. To succeed I need to burn every bridge to my old life and build a new one.
When I mentioned personal reflections, one important aspect is being honest to myself. I deleted all porn and nudes of ex-girlfriends and other girls I knew a long time ago, but I always kept some non-nudes like bikini pics in a hidden folder with the excuse that they are memories I will be missing one day if I deleted them. Some time ago I sensed they were causing problems and deleted them, but afterwards installed a recovery app and saved them. Now I finally installed an app that securely erased every pic remotely sexual and also overwrote the leftovers on the hard disc.
Being honest means admitting that despite my very hard efforts, I was the alcoholic who kept a bottle “just in case”. To succeed I need to burn every bridge to my old life and build a new one.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 9
I’m really feeling free and without the slightest doubt, but I know that this might be dangerous too. Reducing my cell phone usage doesn’t work as planned, although it got better. I will focus on that because it’s part of the plan to succeed.
I’m really feeling free and without the slightest doubt, but I know that this might be dangerous too. Reducing my cell phone usage doesn’t work as planned, although it got better. I will focus on that because it’s part of the plan to succeed.
Blondie
Respected Member
Great job, @achilles heel, on recognizing the cell phone danger. It's a hard thing to balance but is necessary.
Keep killing it man.
Keep killing it man.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 12
It’s not easy, but I’ve been through this first weeks many times and still don’t have any doubts. Have been very busy so far, the weekend will be tough and I have to be prepared.
It’s not easy, but I’ve been through this first weeks many times and still don’t have any doubts. Have been very busy so far, the weekend will be tough and I have to be prepared.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 17
Heavy urges are here and from this day I return to my rules of no cell phone in the bedroom or bathroom. I need a strategy to push through the next days.
Heavy urges are here and from this day I return to my rules of no cell phone in the bedroom or bathroom. I need a strategy to push through the next days.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
I didn’t make it much further after my latest entry and since then it has been almost a constant day 0. I was so convinced to have found a key to success and instead I crashed harder than I did in a long time.
This shit is not only affecting my sexual life but my sleep, my mental health, my family life, my self esteem, my work, everything!
I have to get rid of it now and can’t afford to remain in this recovery-relapse-circle. It has to stop now!
This shit is not only affecting my sexual life but my sleep, my mental health, my family life, my self esteem, my work, everything!
I have to get rid of it now and can’t afford to remain in this recovery-relapse-circle. It has to stop now!
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 3
Good but difficult start so far as I’m drastically reducing my cell phone usage - something I always announce and then fail. I notice how dependent I am of useless activities on the phone. This is going to be really tough again, but I’m happy I made it three days without porn.
It feels stupid to write this again and again after writing so many times how I finally found the key to success. Now it’s just about hard work to advance day by day.
Good but difficult start so far as I’m drastically reducing my cell phone usage - something I always announce and then fail. I notice how dependent I am of useless activities on the phone. This is going to be really tough again, but I’m happy I made it three days without porn.
It feels stupid to write this again and again after writing so many times how I finally found the key to success. Now it’s just about hard work to advance day by day.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 5
Not much to say, doing well so far, but now there’s the weekend ahead.
Not much to say, doing well so far, but now there’s the weekend ahead.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 10
I reached a two digit number of days in hard mode, great start so far although I already felt some trouble. Trying to keep myself busy.
I reached a two digit number of days in hard mode, great start so far although I already felt some trouble. Trying to keep myself busy.
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Day 0
I can read through my journal and my relapses come with an announcement a mile away. “felt some trouble” - today it’s day 0 again after a horrible binge. Before the last relapse there were “heavy urges”. At the end of my two month streak in January I’m telling how I lowered my guards.
It’s like I’m on autopilot of self destruction and calmly write down how I’m going to crash soon.
I don’t know how I expect things to change on pure willpower because that’s what failed for a decade now. It’s a decade that I try to quit and can’t.
Yesterday I felt like I wasn’t able to not relapse and when I was home alone an inner voice told me to go outside and distract myself, but I didn’t and I binged horribly.
I went down the abyss to all kinds of porn categories and sexting and had this horrible feeling of shame and complete self hatred when looking in the mirror afterwards. There were thoughts coming to my mind that really scared me and although I’m in no danger whatsoever of doing harm to myself, I felt being close to a mental breakdown.
I’ve learned that there’s only one thing that works for me: Rules and restrictions with absolutely no exceptions. I will establish those rules for myself today and write them down. If I go for the path of self hatred, I will enter a circle of relapsing again and again. It’s about remaining calm, see what worked and stick to it, no matter what. If I was able to just live my life as before and keep porn out of my life by pure willpower, I would have done it a long time ago already.
I can read through my journal and my relapses come with an announcement a mile away. “felt some trouble” - today it’s day 0 again after a horrible binge. Before the last relapse there were “heavy urges”. At the end of my two month streak in January I’m telling how I lowered my guards.
It’s like I’m on autopilot of self destruction and calmly write down how I’m going to crash soon.
I don’t know how I expect things to change on pure willpower because that’s what failed for a decade now. It’s a decade that I try to quit and can’t.
Yesterday I felt like I wasn’t able to not relapse and when I was home alone an inner voice told me to go outside and distract myself, but I didn’t and I binged horribly.
I went down the abyss to all kinds of porn categories and sexting and had this horrible feeling of shame and complete self hatred when looking in the mirror afterwards. There were thoughts coming to my mind that really scared me and although I’m in no danger whatsoever of doing harm to myself, I felt being close to a mental breakdown.
I’ve learned that there’s only one thing that works for me: Rules and restrictions with absolutely no exceptions. I will establish those rules for myself today and write them down. If I go for the path of self hatred, I will enter a circle of relapsing again and again. It’s about remaining calm, see what worked and stick to it, no matter what. If I was able to just live my life as before and keep porn out of my life by pure willpower, I would have done it a long time ago already.