Free At Last


Active Member
Achilles!! Dude!! You did it! You almost fell into the abyss; but you came back from the edge!! I applaud you sir!! I don't consider that a failure at all: I consider that a success :)

Like you said: 100% is a breeze. Porn is not an option anymore. As we continue to fill the void left by porn with healthier things, it'll just get easier and easier :)



Well-Known Member
achilles heel said:
As a result I searched for web protection alternatives and blocked myself from the above mentioned sports page and Facebook, along my former favorite porn sites (just in case). I kind of threw away the key and won't have the chance to reverse this decision until next week. I remembered a very inspiring video I've seen on someone's journal long ago, that said "99% is a bitch. 100% is a breeze." (I can't search for it at the moment because YouTube is at the list of pages that get blocked after 30 minutes of daily use ;) )

It mentions the little crack you open by allowing yourself a little exception. I now realize how I opened it up when I clicked at a sexy pic last week. Although I don't consider 5 minutes of sexy non-nude pics without M'ing a real damage to my progress, I have to take the 100% rule serious now. Any further deliberately looking at any pic will result in resetting my day-count.

This is very true.

It is damn difficult to get over and accept, but it's just the truth. And there ain't no other truth.

You did very well and handled yourself brilliantly in very difficult circumstances. This reminds me of the 12 steps principle to  avoid being HALT:


achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thank you both for the positive view on that episode. I do feel good about turning around before the abyss, but still this was an act of carelessness I should have avoided.

Day 70:

I didn't know about the HALT-principle, but it makes perfect sense. Being tired is a problem for me, because relapsing doesn't work by typing porn into my browser anymore (that's how I relapsed years ago when I started to reboot and didn't make it 2 days), but by slowly slipping down the spiral of bigger dopamine highs.

Installing browser protection wouldn't hold me back if I really wanted to watch porn. But now it would take minutes to consciously pass the barriers I set and I would interfere before. I always point out to William's thread, because he says everything I consider necessary to reboot. I just never paid too much attention on web protection. Two days ago I changed my opinion. Although I might be tired, lonely, drunk or at whatever state of mind that lowers my will power, it won't happen that mindlessly typing in a page will lead to temptation.

Due to my new time restrictions I do realize how automatized my random browsing behavior is. I don't even think about what I want to use internet for, but just type in a bunch of random pages and scroll around. My blocking app redirects me to a research page for my work and I actually did read useful information yesterday instead of scrolling down my timeline. Somehow I feel like I'm missing out something by not being able to log in to Facebook, but there's no chance until sunday. Maybe this way I can control my internet addiction, because that's the next problem I need to fix.

(This is the video I mentioned above:


Active Member
Hey man! That's really impressive that you're installed that self-limiting software to help deal with internet and porn addiction!! Those sound like really helpful tools in your tool kit :)

You're an inspiration to me for sure!

Try not to be too hard on yourself; this is a long and arduous journey with many oppurtunities to slip up. We must be so so so vigilant of where our minds are wandering to. And yes, the HALT acronym is good one. Another way of putting it that a friend told me is, whenever you're feeling grumpy, or kinda shitty or bored in some way (which is the state that often leads to relapse), ask yourself "Am I hungry, tired or lonely?" and usually it's one of those things :)

Two thumbs up brotha!



Active Member
It's good to see you've decided to give blocking facebook (and other sites) a try! Keep up the good work-- 75 days and beyond here you come!

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
First of all sorry to all of you guys as I'm really busy at the moment and lately couldn't comment on your journals or take my time to reply messages. I'll hopefully find enough time to do so today, but first have to write a little update, because it's kind of a special day:

Day 75 - First goal accomplished!

Well, more than anything else it's a motivational thing for me to count days. My goal is to live a porn free life forever, but the outlook of eternity isn't as motivating as reaching intermediate goals step by step. And by this day I'm already heading towards the magic 90 days, although I don't expect fireworks and groundbreaking changes there either. It would just be a huge success to complete three months without porn for the first time and I'll concentrate on the next 15 days to make it real.

Somehow what started as a journey of abstinence has already turned into life improvement as that's what beating porn addiction is about. It's a symbiotic process: Getting rid of this addiction is only possible by living a more fulfilling life and living a more fulfilling life is only possible by getting rid of this addiction. There is no finish line to cross and reach freedom, the pathways of this addiction will weaken but probably never disappear and I'll have to take care to design my life in a way that porn will never be an option again.

This community is just an awesome safety net to accomplish a lifestyle change, I feel like even a relapse wouldn't throw me back as hard as it did during former reboot attempts (although preferably I don't want to know ;) ). I've yet made important changes in life and whatever I want to do, I can achieve it. The web protection works and I made it a week without Facebook. It didn't work due to willpower, but thanks to technology I significantly decreased my random browsing and despite some urges I don't feel like missing anything.

For now, I want to keep things the way they are until reaching the 90 days. Nutrition, sports and workout are going well, I'm optimizing my browsing restrictions and will be very busy due to work for another two weeks. After that I'll have time and energy to improve other areas of my life. I'm not happy about my smartphone dependency and still couldn't establish more time to read books. But one step at a time! For now thank you all for your support as every reply, every message helped me through hard times and I'll do my best to help you reaching your goals too! We will make it, all of us!
Hi Achilles, congratulations for this huge achievement ! 75 days, that's impressive !
I like what you wrote in this quote, I tend to forget it but it's crucial to keep that in mind. The pathways of this addiction will never disappear, but it's up to us to make our life so fullfilling that PMOing won't be an option, ever again.

Stay strong, and keep inspiring us :)

achilles heel said:
Day 75 - First goal accomplished!

Somehow what started as a journey of abstinence has already turned into life improvement as that's what beating porn addiction is about. It's a symbiotic process: Getting rid of this addiction is only possible by living a more fulfilling life and living a more fulfilling life is only possible by getting rid of this addiction. There is no finish line to cross and reach freedom, the pathways of this addiction will weaken but probably never disappear and I'll have to take care to design my life in a way that porn will never be an option again.

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 78 - Emergency

Although I didn't define MO as a relapse, I stopped it for over 6 weeks and felt great. But as I'm currently very stressed and pressure at work gets almost unbearable, I used it as a stress relief for the third time in two days now. Cravings are getting very strong and I realize this was a huge mistake. I need to immediately cut it out completely again, at least until completing the third month. I feel a loss of will power and self-control, adding stress and lack of sleep it feels like I need a miracle to stay on track. M'ing will reset my day count, I need the hard mode now and turn things around before it's too late.


Active Member
Hey Achilles!

Whatever works for you :)  - whatever pact you've made with yourself. As I've written before, my main thing is staying away from P. That's my main goal. I'm still M-ing fairly regulalry, but that's my own personal rule.

You can do this! You're awesome!


achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot, Peace! As always: Stress passed without porn and it wasn't that much of a problem at all. I think my addiction and the withdrawals are making stress appear worse than it actually is. With every situation I manage without PMO, I feel one step further away from seeing porn as an option. Porn is not an option, I will repeat it a thousand times: Porn is not an option!

Day 84 - Building long term motivation

I'm almost three months PMO-free, managed to avoid sexting or M'ing to any p-sub or a screen in general. That's a good thing, but I do feel like the use of M as a stress relief and the looks at non-nudes this month were a little step backwards. During the last days I didn't pay attention to my plans of nutrition and work-out. My random browsing got better thanks to my own restrictions, but as I blocked certain pages, I notice how I always find a new way to do something useless on a screen.

Concerning my cyber-addiction I do feel as helpless as when I tried to quit porn three years ago. And as there is a strong connection to my porn addiction, I will keep working on this habit too. The most important thing is to keep improving, to follow a plan and move on towards being the person I want to be. At some point it's hard to maintain long term motivation, because I feel really good and more self-confident than ever at the moment, but I must not forget that this is only possible due to reboot. There is still a long way ahead and this week I'll write a detailed update on my plans and goals for the near future.

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 88 - Relapse

Well, I had a very bad start to the day and to make it short: I edged to non-nude picture galleries (with some nudes in between, the typical random buffet) for a long time. While this is technically not porn and I could still pull the "It wasn't PMO!"-card it was clearly a relapse in terms of "sexually-themed dopamine binges", and that's what this is about. To my own definition I should reset my day-count, start from 0 and feel like shit - but I don't.

The day-count is a psychological help to myself, nothing else. If I reset I know I'll relapse to porn later, because my brain will convince me saying "It's day 0, you might just go for it all now!". I do regret having gone there, but regret doesn't help. I need to take the positive aspects and analyze the situation.

First: I didn't escalate to porn and instead turned off the galleries when I realized how my brain was craving for more. I developed some kind of barrier that protected me from escalating to porn in general, different porn categories or sexting I'd feel ashamed of afterwards. While I definitely fried my brain with a dopamine binge, I don't feel shame and it won't be a reset in terms of fighting my social anxiety which is my main issue.

Now, how did it happen? Well, I was tired, bored and lonely yesterday and already allowed myself some peeks. I wanted to meet a friend who cancelled our encounter. Instead I had lots of work left at home due to my stress at work during last weeks (dishes, clothes, cleaning). I put it on the agenda for today and when I woke up I found myself procrastinating deciding to rather give myself some pleasure instead of facing my tasks. While I do feel I advanced a lot in terms of "real" porn or sexting, I still do have a problem with the p-subs that I won't be able to avoid if I don't beat my cyber-addiction. Procrastination, cyber-addiction and p-subs are heavily related in my case and therefore I will develop a further strategy for myself to keep advancing.

Rather than resetting the days I will put myself on probation for today, tomorrow and monday. I will call the 90 days successful if I manage to abstain any further M'ing or the slightest p-sub for the next three days (cravings will be hell again). I also need to finish every depending task at home and comply with my nutrition and work-out plan. After that I will start with "day 1" of the next level and present a plan on how to finally overcome my cyber-addiction, how to develop further good habits (Reading! Finally!) and how to leave all sexually-themed dopamine binges behind.

Sorry for having let down all of you who kept supporting me so much. Lately I haven't been around much and this clearly is the result. Thanks for reading, supporting and just accompanying me on the hardest battle of my life. I promise: I'll win!



You don't have to apologize to this forum, and you didn't let anyone down. Better to err on the side of caution and reset the counter than to fool yourself in the long run.


Well-Known Member

I'm sorry to hear that you feel bad about what happened.

I want to make it clear. I'm not sorry that you watched any P-subs or edged or whatever. That's nothing that you or I or anyone should be sorry for. I'm sorry that you are now in this position that you found yourself in.

We learn from mistakes. This is so obvious, but so true. You will learn from what happened.

I have been in the exactly the same situation you are in today many times and, frankly, I don't know if it will not repeat in the future. This is not down to some kind of doubt on my side that I want to fight addiction and leave using dopamine binges behind me. There's no doubt about that.

For me, the main lesson is - I'm an addict. I really am. This is a serious illness. As Patrick Carnes wrote, this is an illness of body, mind and soul (he also added fourth - that is a social illness). And I think that just as alcoholism or drug addiction, it is deadly.

It's a hard pill to swallow, that I'm an addict. This realization, made in full consciousness, is actually very very strong. Maybe if we had it in front of our eyes at all times, we would never relapse. But somehow we are prevented from remembering about it. Maybe this is just a coping mechanism on our part? Don't know. What helps me is watching the long video on addiction that is on YBOP. It is very powerful material. Whenever I watch it, I realize I tick all the boxes for brain changes connected with addiction: sensitization (to P impulses), desensitization (to other non-P pleasure), hypofrontality (reduced strength of the sphere of brain responsible for controlling consequences, ahead-planning, organization) and issues with stress management. All these have been established as proven main 4 consequences of this addiction.

When we look at our lives, we can easily see that we are model dopamine-addicts. You write in you journal about problems with procrastination and troubles with overcoming stress. Obviously, you're not alone! We're all in it! I'm in it. The level of similarity of issues that addicts report is just striking - at least for me.

We'd like the addiction to go away. But it's here to stay. Probably it has to be accepted. What we can do, is to not act out.

There is a fine line between complacency and rigour. I prefer to err on the side of being "too-good" or "too-merciful" with our own (!) selves than to castigate ourselves. My own experience is that for years I treated myself very brutally and treating myself with love is a driving force of a good change. Of course, if in the next week you will notice that you are still edging, then you might be in a position to think on how to react to help yourself. Resetting might help you in just the same way as not resetting can :)

It is not at all important if you reset or not. Your journal is a real testament that you mean business in fighting this addiction. I know that you will never give up, no matter how much you may get lost at times (happens to everyone). You're heading, I think, in only one direction and it is the right direction. Just keep walking (maybe it's not a good idea to utilize an alcoholic brand ad in this context, but the phrase is catchy... ;) )

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Seems like my last entry caused a little misunderstanding and I admit it appears a little confusing (which is because I was confused yesterday).

I did feel like apologizing because I myself always feel bad when reading about other people's relapses. This community is in need of more success stories and I feel like I fucked this up for no reason at day 88 of the "magic" 90.

As I'm using day-counts for myself since 2013, resetting is nothing new to me. I did it easily over a 100 times. This time I made a difference though. Normally I would beat myself up badly for relapsing and relapse again a few hours later. And again. And again. Because my brain would say: "Look: It's day 0 and it will still be day 0 even if you relapse again! Just go for more quick pleasure while you can!"

jkkk said:
There is a fine line between complacency and rigour. I prefer to err on the side of being "too-good" or "too-merciful" with our own (!) selves than to castigate ourselves. My own experience is that for years I treated myself very brutally and treating myself with love is a driving force of a good change. Of course, if in the next week you will notice that you are still edging, then you might be in a position to think on how to react to help yourself. Resetting might help you in just the same way as not resetting can :)

Looks like we discovered the same thing. My different approach worked for the first 24 hours, as I just managed to ignore the cravings completely (and they were very strong for the first few hours after relapsing!) and instead did all the tasks left at home. I will reset my day-count, but not yet. I will reset it after tomorrow and fill in a sheet for the first 90 days. Until now (with 1 1/2 days left) it says: 1 x edging to p-subs, various short peeks at p-subs, no porn, no sexting, no O to any artificial stimulation.

Yes, I had planned to reduce everything to 0, but if I look at my life, the last three months have been an amazing success. From tuesday on I will start another set of 90 days and try to make them an even better success. I just refuse to center any streak without this addiction or the addiction itself as a measure of success in life. There are other measurements for myself.

As I mentioned, my motivation to finally get rid of this addiction wasn't, unlike many others' here, PIED but my heavy social anxiety that, I'm sure about it by now, is completely porn induced. And it's slowly disappearing. I was suffering from heavy hyperhidrosis that appeared out of nowhere during my 20s. To give you an idea: Three years ago I wasn't able to pay at the supermarket without starting to sweat because of the people behind me and the cashier looking at me. I lived in fear of other people looking at me, because I felt they could think I had something to hide. And I did have something to hide, because most likely I had been looking at all varieties of fetish/out of my natural taste porn for hours right before. I couldn't make eye-contact anymore, was always on the run, got drunk and high to socialize on weekends. Even friends and family detected something was wrong but couldn't tell what. Work made me feel uncomfortable, because unfortunately I couldn't appear drunk. I just wasn't happy with my life, but always tried to escape.

If I'm paying at the supermarket these days, I look the cashier in the eye while greeting, don't care if paying takes longer for whatever reason and even do make a little joke now and then. I didn't drink alcohol or get high in three months now. Although it's still a challenge for me, I do socialize sober and don't get drunk before going to a party. At work I advanced a lot too, got out of my comfort zone and faced the challenge of client contact. I'm doing very well at the moment and will most likely get promoted to a position where I have to give speeches at meetings. While the sheer thought would have terrified me just a year ago, I feel ready to face this now. I'm more and more becoming the person I want to be and there's still a long way ahead.

Yes, I stumbled yesterday. But I already "keep walking" ;) again and maybe being an addict isn't the worst thing that happened to my life, but my opportunity to turn life itself around!

Thanks for reading and replying, it can't be said too often: This community is my and our key back to life. We do have a choice and porn is not an option!

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
90 days ago I registered at this community because I felt helpless and desperate, beaten once more by my over a decade lasting porn addiction that I'm fighting for three years now. I managed to overcome the shame to admit being an addict to others which, despite being anonymous, was a huge obstacle for me. What I found is a great place with amazing people, who share my struggle and are incredibly supportive with lots of knowledge.

Referring to the title of this journal: No, I'm not "free at last". And probably I never will be, because this addiction won't disappear completely. It's more about living despite being an addict. Living consciously, being aware, building a life so beautiful, porn just won't fit in anymore. So, maybe it's not a bad thing I relapsed close before reaching 90 days and won't write a special success story. Don't get me wrong, I do love success stories and would love to finally write one myself, but one of the best quotes on here is that of user PeaceOfMind stating: "Our victory is very much a daily thing."

Instead of just aspiring to a certain streak of abstinence, I will divide my progress into chapters of 90 days with the past three months being chapter one. It's time for a final look at my achievements on the one hand and things I've got to improve on the other.

First of all: Despite not succeeding completely due to edging to non nudes two days ago I do feel great I didn't escalate to real porn and also completely resisted the chaser effect afterwards. During the whole 90 days I didn't look at hardcore porn once and didn't relapse to sexting either. I know I have to overcome the artificial sexual stimulation induced dopamine addiction as a whole, but the fact that I built an inner barrier against its most damaging forms is a huge success for me.

Another huge success: In three months I didn't drink or get high once. I didn't eat at any fast food chain, despite not completely following my initial nutrition plan and finally managed to establish regular sports and work out routines. Most of the time I got enough sleep and feel like heading towards the best physical and mental shape of my life. Overall I'd say I'm very happy with the last three months, but there is still a lot of potential to improve.

The most important thing I do have to improve is avoiding constant contact with porn subs. They are all over the internet and as I'm an internet addict too, I have to change my behavior in a more radical way. Thanks to my new browser restrictions I reduced Facebook from two hours a day to two hours a week and currently reduce it even more, just allowing me to answer some messages without even scrolling down the timeline. I will increase overall random browsing restrictions even further, but my computer isn't the main problem anymore.

How did I live without a smartphone few years ago? I even take my smartphone to bed or to the toilet and catch myself looking at it with unhealthy frequency to check new whatsapp messages or the news I already checked five times before. It's the best way to procrastinate and two days ago I relapsed looking at my phone, not my computer. This must change now.

Tomorrow will be "day 1" of the next level and these are my plans for the next 90 days:

  • no artificial stimulation at all: No porn, no sexting, no porn subs, nothing
  • further reduce my random browsing, completely block every page that may contain p-subs and reduce Facebook use to just the messages
  • do work-out / sports every day, even if it's just five minutes in the morning
  • plan my nutrition in advance and stick to the plan
  • read at least 10 pages of a book every day
  • drastically reduce my smartphone use
  • fight procrastination and complete my depending tasks immediately

I will allow myself some alcohol once in a while and watch if it has any negative effects on my routines. If so, I will stop drinking completely. I will do anything necessary to win this battle and hope the next 90 days will have even better results.
Hey buddy,

Sorry to hear about the near miss. In my case I have had a few times where i've wanted to find a way around not going back to zero but I feel like i'm lying to myself. I can see how in your case it's better just to hit that 90 day mark instead. I mean you were at day 88 for christ's sake! I sort of went through that the last time I was on. I PMO'd and said if I leave it at that I can continue my streak. Of course I didn't leave it there. I PMO'd again that day, to hardcore stuff. BAH.

Since then i've been off and on. I had an 8 day streak going then blasted that. It's a mindset. Tonight I feel like i'm ready to get going again, but the last three weeks I just haven't had the motivation. I'm glad that you made it 90 days mostly without incident!

Hang in there buddy,

-The Faptain

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 1 - Relapse, reset

To make it quick: Got drunk this weekend, lost all control, PMO'd twice. I'm unable to drink moderately and have to stop it. I'm not just a porn addict, I do have an addictive mindset. No matter if it's gambling, drinking or porn, I just can't stop. This is very hard to admit, but looking at the almost three months of cutting out my bad habits, I felt absolutely great. This weekend is setting me back in so many ways, but I do have to get up, learn from it and start again. It's time to take some decisions on life and I'm finally ready because I'm tired of feeling shame and regret.

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 0 - Chaser effect setting in

I thought I'd never experience this again, but I'm right back at the beginning and have to struggle to make it 24 hours without relapsing again. I'm reacting with self-hatred and an "Everything's lost, relapsing again doesn't matter!"-attitude, despite knowing better.

First goal: Make it 24 hours without relapsing from now.