Day 1
4 years and 4 months after starting this topic and having some major streaks, now I feel like I am back at the bottom and this feels more like a confession than an update:
I now realize what success I already had when doing streaks of various weeks rather easy and spending more days without porn than with porn. Although my relapses after some weeks or even months felt like a complete setback, I managed to start again and to keep porn out of my life most of the time.
Now the whole coronavirus situation completely changed my life for the worse. There are no big social events, no big meetings at work, no public speaking, no personal client contact. I struggled with severe social anxiety due to which in 2013 I discovered I had a problem with porn addiction. I found the key to my misery and seven years later I am right back at it, because lately I can hide myself after long porn binges.
I currently watch porn most days on a daily basis, sometimes even twice and making it three days has been a huge struggle already. My last serious intent here was in april, then I wrote in june but relapsed right afterwards.
I feel ashamed because to get a bigger high during my binges I always felt sexting was even more exciting and I also MO'd on webcam on a page dedicated to that. I feel so empty and ashamed afterwards, this MUST stop.
While my other struggle, cocaine, hasn't gone out of hand in terms of frecuency as my porn use did, I still crossed some lines I wish I could undo. While I always tried to hide doing cocaine and only did it at certain parties or with certain people, I lately did it at random social events with close friends and even family members around. Furthermore I am driving under influence and don't care. This is dangerous to myself, to others and at some point I even felt like: If I finally get caught, I will have a motivation to change my life, because I hit rock bottom.
I had to deal with severe personal issues lately and while this isn't the cause of my addiction, it's the cause of not gaining motivation to fight my way out. But I can't wait to hit whatever rock bottom, because this is not about avoiding the negative, but building a positive life. I love my life too much to let this downward spiral continue.
This is a new beginning, my first goal is to complete my first day and to be able to write "Day 2" again.