Free At Last

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thank you so much for your overwhelming support, guys, it really means a lot to me and helped me in an incredible way!  :) - this weekend I will take my time to read through your stories, because - and that's good news - I am very busy!

It's already:

Day 8

First week complete, now heading towards the second weekend. Have been very, very productive so far and force myself to work out at home every night before going to bed now. Skipped my entry here yesterday, but I guess it was okay as I avoided any kind of trouble keeping myself busy.

Have to go back to the daily success: Next goal is another day without porn!
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Daily successes are the way to go! It's awesome to hear that you're staying busy in a good way and moving along.

Here's to Day 9!
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 1

Just completed a new day 1. Not much success lately, no positive perspective, no motivation to go it alone. I need to take this problem serious again and work on recovery, this is a serious restart once again and I feel motivated to leave my addiction behind.

At least some good news: Over 2 months without drugs aside from alcohol.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 1

4 years and 4 months after starting this topic and having some major streaks, now I feel like I am back at the bottom and this feels more like a confession than an update:

I now realize what success I already had when doing streaks of various weeks rather easy and spending more days without porn than with porn. Although my relapses after some weeks or even months felt like a complete setback, I managed to start again and to keep porn out of my life most of the time.

Now the whole coronavirus situation completely changed my life for the worse. There are no big social events, no big meetings at work, no public speaking, no personal client contact. I struggled with severe social anxiety due to which in 2013 I discovered I had a problem with porn addiction. I found the key to my misery and seven years later I am right back at it, because lately I can hide myself after long porn binges.

I currently watch porn most days on a daily basis, sometimes even twice and making it three days has been a huge struggle already. My last serious intent here was in april, then I wrote in june but relapsed right afterwards.

I feel ashamed because to get a bigger high during my binges I always felt sexting was even more exciting and I also MO'd on webcam on a page dedicated to that. I feel so empty and ashamed afterwards, this MUST stop.

While my other struggle, cocaine, hasn't gone out of hand in terms of frecuency as my porn use did, I still crossed some lines I wish I could undo. While I always tried to hide doing cocaine and only did it at certain parties or with certain people, I lately did it at random social events with close friends and even family members around. Furthermore I am driving under influence and don't care. This is dangerous to myself, to others and at some point I even felt like: If I finally get caught, I will have a motivation to change my life, because I hit rock bottom.

I had to deal with severe personal issues lately and while this isn't the cause of my addiction, it's the cause of not gaining motivation to fight my way out. But I can't wait to hit whatever rock bottom, because this is not about avoiding the negative, but building a positive life. I love my life too much to let this downward spiral continue.

This is a new beginning, my first goal is to complete my first day and to be able to write "Day 2" again.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 2

Kept myself very busy and had a very productive weekend, proud to announce I completed the second day and now focus on the next day to build my way out of this step by step.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 4

Completing 4 days is a huge success already and I stick to my method of just being too busy to relapse. There is a long road and lots of suffering ahead, but I am willing to go through all this again. I can do it!
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 5

Still going step by step, this finally feels like a restart. I have to focus on advancing on a daily basis before defining any long term goals. This is just about leaving porn behind.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 6

And another day complete, tomorrow will be really important as I will finish the first week and enter a difficult weekend. So far I believe in myself and really feel the change!
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 7

First week complete, now the difficult weekend is ahead and I have to focus on going through step by step. This is a huge success already, but the toughest time is about to come.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 9

I'm still doing great, have been around people yesterday and today and made it impossible to relapse despite some cravings. This is the second porn-free weekend after various long binges on every weekend before in the last months. I once again see how beautiful life can be if I take steps to fill it with actual rewarding activities and not giving in to my addictions.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 10

Reaching a two digit number of days porn free is a little milestone already, really feels great! Now I have to work hard to get through the second week. My focus is today as I will not relapse today!
 
J

J01

Guest
Good job making it thru the weekend and pushing ahead into the new week!
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot guys, I'm looking forward to checking out your journals this weekend and hope you're doing well too!  :)

Day 11

Another busy day complete, it's getting tougher and I have to be very aware! Still going step by step.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 13

Close to completing the second week, I definitely made major improvements and changes yet, but there is a long road ahead. Still very busy, more at the weekend!
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 14

Two weeks complete: No P, no subs, no M! Now the difficult weekend is ahead and I have to be very careful... this is a huge success already, but I know that most of my failures occur in the third or fourth week.
 
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