Free At Last

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thank you, Faptain! :)

Day 39:

Just a little reminder to myself, that I will have to stay on my current way whatever it takes. Getting rid of this terrible addiction still remains my absolute priority and I know I can do it. If there are any doubts arising, they are made up by the addicted part of my brain and I will not listen to them. No doubts, no exceptions, no substitutes, no more porn! Never again!
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 40: Catharsis

Reaching 40 days without porn is somewhat historic, as it's only the third time since starting to fight this addiction in 2013 that I made it this long. But I also keep in mind that I made it past that twice and relapsed. The question is: What's different this time? At this point I want to reflect on my journey so far and why I failed a hundred times during the last three years. My failed intents may be defined by a supposed Einstein quote:

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

At the beginning I barely made it 2 or 3 days without relapsing, I told myself I needed more discipline and started counting days without porn. I still had defined porn only as hardcore porn with all its extreme forms I escalated to. Every relapse caused more desperation and self-hatred, I tried to answer with even more discipline and yet relapsed over and over again. One year ago I suffered from a mental breakdown after a relapse resulted in an over 10 hour lasting binge session. I had skipped sports, meeting friends and almost all of my sleep finishing three hours before I had to go to work and ended up laying on the floor desperately promising myself to never go back to porn.

Well, I managed my longest streak of 75 days, but still returned to porn and fell back into a relapse-recover-relapse-circle that finally brought me here. Time to ask myself, why it's going to be different this time.

First of all I never made staying clean the center of my life. Maybe I did so for the initial two weeks, but after already feeling better I just stopped caring about it. I didn't want to change anything about my life but those painful relapses. This time it's my absolute priority to understand and overcome my addiction. I visit RebootNation on a daily basis and try to write at my journal as often as possible. I changed my nutrition and still leave out alcohol completely.

But this might just add some extra days to my streak. How do I assure to change forever? The key is the definition of porn. There is a very interesting and helpful journal of user William everybody should read. The most important part is the one about porn substitutes.

William said:
Porn is not just porn, for the guy quitting, it is anything that triggers a dopamine rush.  And when quitting, a lot of things will.  Be on your guard. 

Porn is seeing porn, it is watching it, it is thinking about it, it is imagining it, it is remembering it, it is thinking about it while MOing even if you are not actually watching it, it is PMOing, it is fantasizing, it is edging while watching or thinking about it, it is having actual sex while thinking of porn, it is porn substitutes, any hypersexualized imagery or thought of that. Porn can be strictly in the brain, or it can be in hard copy, it can be on computers, televisions, and on smart phones, as in apps. Porn is phone sex. Porn is engaging any thought of unreal sex. Porn is chat rooms. Porn is sex toys. For one guy in this forum, porn is a cock ring. Porn does not have to be visual, it can be strictly audio. Why do you think "screaming" is a common porn category?  Recent studies indicate "sex sounds" can cause arousal, i.e., a dopamine release.  Porn can be literature about sex. Porn can be cartoons, drawings, hentai.  Porn does not have to be on porn sites, it can be found on Facebook, Craigslist, Youtube, etc. It can be found on commercial retail sites; Sears, Target, Walmart. For me, when I first started quitting, I told myself I was making progress because I moved from very hardcore stuff to Google images, where I searched vanilla nudes. Bikini pics triggered me. Lingerie models triggered me. Hooters girls triggered me. Just girls on the street triggered me if I let them. I consciously have decided not to let hypersexualized images linger in my head. Before, I was not making progress, I was still feeding my dopamine fix. You have to avoid your triggers, not flirt with them. Let me say this again--you have to avoid your triggers, not flirt with them. Your triggers are not going to be merely the hardcore stuff you are trying to quit watching, they will be much softer stuff than can pop out on you from benign sites like Yahoo, Craigslist, Google. You have know that in advance and plan on avoiding them. You have to get your dopamine levels back down. That will take time.  Plan on 90 days, it may not take that long, but plan on that.  Better to plan too long than too short.  Rebooting requires a total absence of porn in your head. If you are walking down the street in the middle of the day thinking about porn, you are using porn, so find something else to pop in your head if that situation occurs.  As in now.  What are you planning on thinking to distract yourself when the inevitable "visions" pop in there?  I think "no no no no no no no", and I keep thinking that until it goes away.  Sometimes I click my tongue on the roof of my mouth.  It does not take a lot and the purpose of this exercise it to stop a vision of 1/2 second from becoming an indulgence, a fantasy, of minutes, which will spike your dopamine level.  You want to avoid that. 

For addicts, especially when we first quit, and we have not brought our dopamine levels back down, our brains look for any trigger it can find, even things society does not define as porn.

Be aware of this, and avoid those triggers.

I wish I could just print this out, travel back in time and show it to myself shouting "This is the key!". Before the last 40 days I never really tried to quit porn, but tried to find a way to avoid the definition of porn as far as possible. Even by avoiding anything on a screen I still had those fantasies in my head. The key is to not allow any dopamine high due to hypersexual thoughts, whatever may cause them. That's what I'm going through this time: A complete catharsis, not allowing myself any backdoor, any substitute or any excuse.

I'm still at the very beginning of my journey, but I finally got the key to freedom in my hands. The most important lesson I have to follow is to not let my brain negotiate about the definition of porn. The above definition might sound extreme at first, but that's why we're all here struggling with this addiction: Because it's extreme! Because it's everywhere! Yet we do have a choice to say "No!" and I'm still as convinced as by day one to keep saying "No!" to porn.
 
Great post. That excerpt from William's journal is profound. This addiction certainly is extreme, it spreads its roots into so many different areas of our lives. Seemingly innocent things slowly weaken our ability to resist the urge to indulge. William is right about how "rebooting requires the total absence of porn from the mind."

There have been moments in the last 7 days where P has surfaced in my thoughts, for no apparent reason. Why is P invading my mind during completely normal situations? The other day it was while I was at the gym. I wasn?t looking at anyone, I was just resting between sets, staring at the floor. I quickly became frustrated that I had brought such negative thoughts into a place where I usually seek refuge.

Of course, anger did not help the situation. I was fooling myself by thinking that the more emotional I became, the more I would resist these thoughts in the future. In hindsight, I should have forgiven myself, focused on my breathing (or literally anything else), and let the thoughts pass.

The key is to not allow any dopamine high due to hyper-sexual thoughts, whatever may cause them. That's what I'm going through this time: A complete catharsis, not allowing myself any backdoor, any substitute or any excuse.

Well said. Thank you for reminding me to observe my thoughts more closely. In the end, even if we don?t actively seek out P or P-subs, our minds will still wander, searching for ways to reestablish the connection. I suppose the real struggle is learning to recognize these thoughts and to let them pass without entertaining them.

-Blue
 
There have been moments in the last 7 days where P has surfaced in my thoughts, for no apparent reason. Why is P invading my mind during completely normal situations? The other day it was while I was at the gym. I wasn?t looking at anyone, I was just resting between sets, staring at the floor. I quickly became frustrated that I had brought such negative thoughts into a place where I usually seek refuge.

This happens to me all the time. I think it's from the denial. If you deny yourself something, you usually want it more. Of course in order to reboot we have to deny ourselves but it is what it is.

Congrats to Achilles on 40 days!

-The Faptain
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 41: Unexpected turbulence

Okay, when I wrote on here yesterday, everything was fine. Now, let's have a look at four days ago.

achilles heel said:
Day 37:

I'm halfway through my longest streak, still doing well and will be very busy for a week. While this normally helps keeping me away from possible relapse situations, I have to take care of my personal stress level. I know that stress and cravings are a dangerous combination. I will not browse mindlessly during the next week to avoid triggers as much as possible.

I'm sitting at home, working on a paper. Stress level was already high enough. Add some relationship problems and I'm completely unable to concentrate on my tasks. I'm procrastinating and browsing mindlessly. Although I told myself I wouldn't. Have been on Facebook all day. Images turned on. Went to that sportspage I relapsed to during my 75-day-streak. I caught myself wanting to get just a peek at the thumbnails of one of those related articles with bikini athletes. This battle is far from won. The addicted part of my brain is craving for the smallest possible high it could get at this moment. I had to interfere and need to write on here or otherwise I'll relapse this very day. At this moment I realize how much I depend on that ?Turn off reality?-button called porn.

I won't give in. Won't touch the liquor either. I realize how I never learned how to manage anger, stress and concern. I'm angry, stressed and concerned at this moment and have to allow myself to be angry, stressed and concerned. This will pass.
 

CrowMagnum

Active Member
Before the last 40 days I never really tried to quit porn, but tried to find a way to avoid the definition of porn as far as possible. Even by avoiding anything on a screen I still had those fantasies in my head. The key is to not allow any dopamine high due to hypersexual thoughts, whatever may cause them. That's what I'm going through this time: A complete catharsis, not allowing myself any backdoor, any substitute or any excuse.

Great to hear, this is a big step in the right direction.  Looking forward to reading about your continued progress.  And as Faptain said, denying yourself something tends to make you want it more. Perhaps reframing it as a positive, "Embracing life" as opposed to a denial of something might help in the long run.  It's good to see you're making recovery the center of your life and taking it seriously.  You're giving yourself the right tools for improved and continued success here.  It is important to keep in mind this is a constantly changing battle, the nature of the beast changes as you continue through your reboot.  As planet earth is blue said, as soon as you let your guard down it opens a dialogue.  That dialogue changes in different stages of reboot but ultimately leads to the same result if entertained.  Keep doing your best and improving.  We're rooting for you!

Best,
CM
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 42: Pain is temporary

This journey is an emotional rollercoaster and I'm happy I didn't give in yesterday. I still have to learn step by step how to deal with unwanted feelings as the option to just numb them is gone. And it's rewarding to actually face problems, because one is more likely to find a solution. Porn never solved a problem, it was still there the next day.

Big thanks to Crow, Faptain and planet for your support. This community makes me feel I'm no longer alone with my problem which was a big deal while I tried to quit alone.
 
I can always count on your entries to be honest and relatable.

I still have to learn step by step how to deal with unwanted feelings as the option to just numb them is gone.

I chose the latter today, and I can confirm that my problems did not resolve themselves. I would say I wished I read this sooner, but the truth is that I probably still would have caved. Something's just not right...

Anyways, please know that the feeling of support is mutual! I'm sure others read your entries even though they don't all respond. You are helping more people than you know.
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
planet_earth_is_blue said:
I can always count on your entries to be honest and relatable.

I still have to learn step by step how to deal with unwanted feelings as the option to just numb them is gone.

I chose the latter today, and I can confirm that my problems did not resolve themselves. I would say I wished I read this sooner, but the truth is that I probably still would have caved. Something's just not right...

Anyways, please know that the feeling of support is mutual! I'm sure others read your entries even though they don't all respond. You are helping more people than you know.

Great to read that :)

Day 44: Relax

Due to lots of stress during last week I allowed myself some chocolate, sweets and video gaming. Just until today. Stress is gone for now and tomorrow I'll return to my healthy lifestyle. No withdrawals at the moment, but they will return and I'm still aware. With every passing day I feel more distant to the idea of porn and to leave it behind as a part of my past. It's hard not to feel regret on 15 years of lots of wasted time, but I try to look at it the other way round and try to be glad for having the opportunity of identifying and overcoming my addiction.
 
Hey! Thank you for reaching out to me today.

I've come to respect you a lot for the way you are approaching this. I've noticed that you are quick to recognize any "turbulence", embracing it as such. Additionally, with your latest entry, it's clear to me that you understand the importance of deliberate relaxation. Keep it up!

It's hard not to feel regret on 15 years of lots of wasted time, but I try to look at it the other way round and try to be glad for having the opportunity of identifying and overcoming my addiction.

You have made me realize the importance of perspective and how it can aid me in reframing my recent struggles. It's nice to see that you are taking your own advice by acknowledging your own self-awareness at this time instead of condemning yourself for "wasted time." This is an important lesson in forgiveness and understanding that a lot of good can come from failure.  :)

-Blue
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 46:

Nothing special for today, but as usual I will remind myself on how important it is to remain at the current path. No porn, no subs, no fantasies, no "little peeks", nothing. The benefits after 1 1/2 months are great already, I won't go back to that damaging life I lived before!
 
Congrats for the almost 50 days . You've got one of those inspiring journals I'll keep reading from the beginning, again and again, throughout my Journey.

Just as you said in one of your early posts, porn used to take as much time of my life as a part time job. When I realised this, I couldn't believe I ever told people "No, I don't cook, I don't have time for that".

And if I also count all the time I'm still spending in front of my computer (on Facebook, of watching movies), well it adds up to a full 9-5 job. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME. Cutting on this will be my next be.

Anyway, i look forward to reading your next posts !

 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Conquistador said:
Congrats for the almost 50 days . You've got one of those inspiring journals I'll keep reading from the beginning, again and again, throughout my Journey.

Just as you said in one of your early posts, porn used to take as much time of my life as a part time job. When I realised this, I couldn't believe I ever told people "No, I don't cook, I don't have time for that".

And if I also count all the time I'm still spending in front of my computer (on Facebook, of watching movies), well it adds up to a full 9-5 job. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME. Cutting on this will be my next be.

Anyway, i look forward to reading your next posts !

Thanks a lot, Conquistador! You are right about the overall wasted time, I keep failing on reducing Facebook, but it's on my list too.

Day 50: Anger management

50 days is an important achievement and I'm still doing well in terms of avoiding porn and its substitutes completely. But I don't feel like celebrating. I'm having terrible mood swings and got very angry yesterday for no real reason on several occasions. My stress resistance and patience are down to 0.

Unfortunately I'm not doing well concerning my side goals. While I still don't drink alcohol, I allowed myself some food exceptions and stopped working out lately. My random internet use increased again. Today I will return to exercise and keep it on a daily basis. This might be a key to reduce stress and anger. My recovery depends on active behavioral change and I note getting lazy lately. 50 days porn free might sound good, but it's no reason to lower my effort. In fact, I need to work even harder and be more aware. For the next 10 days I will work out on a daily basis and plan/prepare food for every day in advance. Hitting the 60 days I will make a detailed plan for the third month that includes finally reducing my random internet use drastically and monitoring myself. I guess there's no way around the stop watch I got recommended on here earlier.
 
There is a logic behind, as this forum is meant to be a support during hard times. And every day has its significance! It's in your hands to make any single day a good day, no matter how many days you have been clear before. No matter how many times you fall, you have to get up once more. So get up, forget about the counter and make this day a good one!

Hey Achilles,

I just wanted to thank you for the kind words yesterday. I've noticed how much you are posting on other people's journals recently. Thanks for making this community a better place.

Yesterday was a good day. I'm starting to develop a cold but I still went to the gym. I spent the rest of the day eating well, resting, and reading The Power of Habit.

I hope you're doing well. I look forward to reading about Day 52/Day 53.

- Blue
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thank you, Blue! Same goes for you. The excerpt from that book you shared today was very helpful for me.

planet_earth_is_blue said:
"The precise mechanisms of belief are still little understood? But we do know that for habits to permanently change, people must believe that change is feasible. The same process that makes AA so effective?the power of a group to teach individuals how to believe?happens whenever people come together to help one another change. Belief is easier when it occurs within a community"

Day 53: Benefits are real

There are many reasons why I didn't already break free from my addiction. More and more it seems like the most important is trying to recover on my own way too long. It is hard to admit being an addict. Even when I realized how I couldn't stop porn and how much it was damaging me, I felt ashamed of admitting my addiction. I'm so glad I finally registered and feel now committed to a group of people who share my problem, my struggles and my hopes.

When I relapsed before, I let myself down, but nobody would find out or control me. This time I would have to write a journal entry about how and why I relapsed. Although I know that the reactions would be supportive and understanding, it would give me a feeling of letting others down. It was always possible for me to let myself down while other people could count on me and while this has been a problem for me in life, it is an advantage while being part of this community. When urges arise, I immediately visit RebootNation and it helps me to stay strong.

The enormous benefit of reading through this journal is reminding myself of how I felt almost two months ago. When I just abstained from porn for some weeks on my former reboot intents, at some point I forgot about how feeling good was a result of not watching porn and told myself it was just a placebo effect anyway. This addiction is so hard to beat because dopamine cravings cause our brain to invent whatever excuse to just get some tits on a screen (and to escalate to whatever is shocking enough afterwards). Sowing doubts and disbelief is one strategy.

I read through many success stories. And I'm reading all those new journal entries of people who feel like shit, just as I did, after every single relapse. These changes are real, this isn't a giant placebo effect. But at some point one might start to believe that porn doesn't make a difference and a little look at some harmless nudes won't be damaging. This won't happen to me, because the benefits I'm experiencing definitely exist. My self-confidence increased, my social anxiety and the load of shame I'm carrying around are getting less. Sex feels more fulfilling with every day I advance and I'm just living healthier doing more useful activities.

I'm still at the very beginning, standing just at the end of the second month of my new life. But if these 50+ days already brought such improvements, I can't wait to experience further advance and further challenges. My life is too valuable to waste it and I learn to self-respect myself enough to not damage me ever again for the short term pleasure of porn. Despite this looking very promising and although I finally do believe in being able to overcome the addiction forever, my three years of relapsing made me aware of how powerful this addiction is. Thus I'm glad to have this community as a safe haven and won't underestimate the danger of relapsing, especially when feeling as good as today. I still have to learn and improve a lot in many areas, but this is the right way.
 
Hey man,

Back in the country again and am glad to see you're kicking my ass, even if I am a little envious :)

I'm having some painful urges this week. As I said in my journal it's like the second I reached the beginning of week 3 out of my 3 week goal I've been wanting porn so bad!!! I really want to make it three weeks at least so I'm definitely going to be mister stubborn/miserable this week hahaha.

Take it easy,

-The Faptain
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot, Peace and Faptain! Good to see you're doing well too!

Day 56: Beware of unrealistic expectations!

Everything I wrote about progress and benefits is true, but if beating this addicting was all about just confirming ourselves how damaging it is and how much better we are without porn, we wouldn't be here writing journals. Withdrawals are real and although I learned I should understand them as a sign of progress and practically love them, they do affect me a lot.

I forced myself to avoid under any circumstances clicking at a newspage's related article with celebrities in bikini at the beach or whatever sex-clickbait they would invent. To scroll down immediately if any slightly sexual content was shared on Facebook. And as I caught myself repeatedly looking at a thumbnail of a barely dressed girl at a sports page, I turned off images at my browser again. Today the addicted part of my brain wanted to negotiate and it was actually scary to observe my inner conflict.

I visited said page and realized how I didn't really care about its content, but wondered about the missing images. Suddenly I started thinking about turning images on just to see the little thumbnail again, without intentions to actually click on the article. Yes, the addicted part of my brain is THAT desperate and started negotiating. "You can't remove simple images of barely dressed girls forever! They are everywhere anyway!", said the little demon in my brain, but I turned off the browser.

This little doubt (which I was talking about three days ago and should have been warned) started growing. The progress after quitting porn isn't linear. Fifteen years of porn consumption left me with severe mental and emotional damage. The shame I carried around made me develop social anxiety. How could I have smalltalk about my weekend when it consisted of nothing but porn? How was I meant to maintain eye-contact, when I felt like everybody could see through me and uncover my dirty secrets?

I advanced a lot, but I'm not nearly at where I feel I could be. Sometimes I still get a little nervous around people, especially strangers, and that's where my negotiating porn addiction comes in. "See! Nothing is changing! You are torturing yourself for no real reason, there is nothing wrong with just looking at a girl in a bikini. It is not porn and won't worsen your social anxiety." - I'm having this internal conflict constantly and I made a decision. Negotiating with an addiction is like negotiating with terrorists: No matter how little you offer, it will be seen as a weakness. And the next demand will be just a little bit bigger. And the next one. And the next one. And therefore there will be no thumbnail.

Over a decade of porn can't be made undone by two months of abstaining and I need to learn patience. If cravings appear, they will pass. If I feel a little step back, I'll take two steps forward the next day. There is still nothing I desire more than breaking free from this addiction and today has been another big step towards reaching my goal.
 
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