offaxis
Active Member
Hello,
I want to post my journey here. I have been keeping a hand written journal for the past few months which I plan to edit down here as I progress and reflect to better understand.
My Background
I'm 38 male and live in London. I've been married for 11 years, no children and the relationship has been for 15 years.
I started using porn casually as a teenager (porn mags), before the Internet age. As I got into my late teens though, I started getting access to early Internet porn and used it to regulate my emotions and handle stress in my life. I'd give myself rewards for completing academic work. I had a couple of girlfriends but nothing serious or physical until age 19. Mostly emotional/fantasy relationships for me. At 19, I met a girl on the Internet and we became close within a few months, met in real life and I lost my virginity with her (and her with me) but it was a really bad experience for me, very awkward and I felt humiliated. She was a lot more keen and ready than I was, I think. It felt wrong, I didn't perform well and it was clumsy. This broke up our relationship.
A few years later, I left home and had my own place with totally uncontrolled Internet and no girlfriend. Here, I also had a big problem with cannabis smoking which went on for a few years. I really went to town with porn. I had money, a good job, friends but would spend a lot of free time, many hours in my room wanking off to porn and exploring all kinds of horrible shit for thrills. I didn't check myself. I drank a lot, smoked a lot of weed and OD'd on porn for about 18 months. I was terribly lonely and lacked direction in my life about what I wanted to do. I craved being intimate and close to a woman. I had many male friends but not many women, and those women were not the kind of objects I wanted to have sex with. Already that objectification was starting, how horrible it is. There were good women for sex (none of whom wanted me and I'd act all strange with) and good women for friendship (who some probably wanted me but they weren't the right material in my fucked up head).
I had a good degree though and talent with computers, and a good job, so to the outside world, it didn't seem so bad. Here I started lying to the world seriously - one outward face and another inward life which I only I knew about. I kept completely secret and hidden. Nobody knew. I buried this hard inside myself as it totally shocked and frightened me some of the things I found and watched. I was fucked up and broken and if the real world knew I was like this, society would shun me. I'd be ostracised and truly alone. So, better to lie and keep going right? After all, it's not hurting anyone, is it? Is it? Things were not in a good place and I was out of control. I'd be reckless at work, nearly losing my job a few times and even started to twig coming in stoned or still drunk was not a great idea. But because I was a "high functioning" person, I would still get the work done and smooth things over. Not sustainable though.
Then I met my now-wife. She was the first person I'd ever met outside my family who really seemed to care for me deeply quite early on and act on it. The sex was real and great, she was stunning. We got on really well and the porn usage dipped hugely for me. I quit smoking dope and my drinking went right down. But the porn didn't go away. I didn't make a conscious effort. And - worst of all - I did not disclose it to her. I thought I'd "grow out of it" once we were having regular sex. But I didn't because it was a problem in my head - nothing someone else can fix.
Life continued, we moved in together, then got married and went off both building really good careers for nearly a decade. We had everything and loved each other deeply. We worked hard together and made a great team. We had practically unlimited money from our lucrative careers and paid off the mortgages on 2 London properties. We had no children though, and this was a point of contention that I regret. We had a lot of foreign holidays, meals out, expensive cars etc. etc. most people would think we had a "dream" life, and in many ways it was, but there was a huge dark side lurking and I was burying my head in the sand.
After our courting and my porn usage waning, in about a year it came back and I continued regular usage for all our relationship. Mostly I'd be using once or twice a week for an hour or low. Some months, a bit more, some a bit less. But it was always there in the background. I kept this completely and totally hidden from her. She never suspected a thing. I was so good at lying - lying to her and myself - I even believed my own lies. That it didn't hurt anyone, that it was my reward, that it was her fault. All this total crap and BS I have become extremely ashamed of.
About 3 years ago, we had some bigger escalating disagreements in our marriage. My wife I felt disrespected me and made decisions over my head - we didn't compromise. I started almost having an affair with a woman at my work but stopped and backed off when she started showing (emotional) interest. I was proud that I didn't go further with it, as I found her very attractive. But I totally messed up handling it with my wife and we didn't properly deal with it at all. This was storing up big problems for later. I was a fool and a child.
Now part of me was never happy with the porn. A small part. And so after my nearly-affair, I decide it has to stop. But I am still totally on my own. White-knuckle it. We've all been there. I think I can control this on my own just through willpower. I struggle on and off, maybe staying away for several weeks max before relapsing. This goes on and off for about 8 months but I fail and give in totally. Why bother, I'm doomed.
So, what did I do? You guessed it - more porn. My usage started escalating more and more. Rather than once or twice a week, I was getting up to most days. I just thought, "fuck it, I've had enough, eat all the porn you can" and so I did. This was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.
About a year ago, our marriage started getting more serious problems and comms shutting down and being very superficial. But I was so into my porn, I didn't even realise. How messed up is that? Do you want to be that person? This beautiful woman who loves you, and has given you so much in your life, and so much happiness and yet she feels emotionally starved out and you tell her "so what? your problem". This was the mess I was.
Then in Oct 2015 she tells me she cannot go on like this. It's a big conversation, hard and finally hits me. She does not want the person I've become or this empty hollow life we have. We start sleeping apart. Sex stops. Despite all the money and success on the outside, it's just a shell. And inside, there is her and some resentful emotionally void zombie I have become. She does not want to spend the rest of her life with this. And do you know what I think? "So what, I've got my porn" - WHAT?!?!
Then it keeps going. Two months later, I find very graphic and disturbing details. She is having a physical affair with a work colleague. It's horribly shock, photos, details... way too much details. Her behaviour has been erratic but I never thought it would go that far. I was taking her for granted and look where things have gone. She is responsible for herself, yes, sure, but I cannot deny the role I've played in this. This hits me like a hammer. My life is never going to be the same again.
All this twisted up sexual fantasy from porn swirling around and intensifying in my head all the time. How can I get off to escape this??
Then something snaps. Nobody at all in the world knows about my porn problem. No-one. But maybe, just maybe it was part of the problem here. So, I make a decision. Stop using porn. That day is 6th December 2015. No more porn. We're back to white-knuckle but it's the first step. I moved out of our flat together and am now living on my own too. So, it would be really easy to use and still no-one would know. But yes, I would know. And it's me that matters here. I don't want to be that man and I need help, proper help because I can't fight this on my own. I have tried all my life and it will beat me 1-1 everytime.
I disclose to my wife about my porn use after 2 weeks of being apart. A big part of me hopes that my honesty with her here will bring us back together. But a bigger part just wants to stop living the lie and be a real man, just wants help. She is stunned and never guessed. She feels utterly betrayed and lied to (makes two of us) that I have been dishonest the whole time. It drives us further apart but we still keep talking. She is the first person I have ever told about my problem.
I find a CBT-based group course here in London that starts early Jan 2016. This course helps me a lot, to give me the tools to understand but there's still a huge amount of work to do in myself. The course has now ended (April 2016) so I will share some of my personal experiences with it. As part of this, on the 18th Jan I decide to go for total reboot and have not masturbated to orgasm since (to today, 21st April, so about 3 months), although I have got close a few times. I will also elaborate my experiences with this too below. It's very interesting. This is by far the longest period I've gone without masturbation my whole life.
My marriage is descending into break-up, maybe things are stable a little but so much damage has been done. Coping with losing your partner physically and emotionally alongside porn withdrawal has been very tough but I feel I am getting past the darkest days now and can share and write about it. Whether my marriage is alive or dead, I don't know. We still love each other but the damage is immense and will take years to heal, if possible.
I am trying my best to make amends for the damage I've done. I worry it is too little too late, but I am doing my best to stick at it. I have had a few dodgy moments since Jan but no porn/imagery and things are progressing for me and getting better each day. I can start to see and feel the fruits of my efforts and this is encouraging me to keep pushing forward, exploring myself and life itself too.
To have the courage to face life and these problems and become a better person through them. I cannot change the things that have happened, as much as I would dearly love to. I cannot go back to the life I once had, it is gone. But instead of cravings of fantasies of time passed, I instead have realities to face up to, pain to conquer and hurt to work through - these sufferings are horrible but I want to be proud of myself that I have endured them as a real person, alive with feelings - not with a porn anaesthetic - and want this to help define a better person in myself.
I want to post my journey here. I have been keeping a hand written journal for the past few months which I plan to edit down here as I progress and reflect to better understand.
My Background
I'm 38 male and live in London. I've been married for 11 years, no children and the relationship has been for 15 years.
I started using porn casually as a teenager (porn mags), before the Internet age. As I got into my late teens though, I started getting access to early Internet porn and used it to regulate my emotions and handle stress in my life. I'd give myself rewards for completing academic work. I had a couple of girlfriends but nothing serious or physical until age 19. Mostly emotional/fantasy relationships for me. At 19, I met a girl on the Internet and we became close within a few months, met in real life and I lost my virginity with her (and her with me) but it was a really bad experience for me, very awkward and I felt humiliated. She was a lot more keen and ready than I was, I think. It felt wrong, I didn't perform well and it was clumsy. This broke up our relationship.
A few years later, I left home and had my own place with totally uncontrolled Internet and no girlfriend. Here, I also had a big problem with cannabis smoking which went on for a few years. I really went to town with porn. I had money, a good job, friends but would spend a lot of free time, many hours in my room wanking off to porn and exploring all kinds of horrible shit for thrills. I didn't check myself. I drank a lot, smoked a lot of weed and OD'd on porn for about 18 months. I was terribly lonely and lacked direction in my life about what I wanted to do. I craved being intimate and close to a woman. I had many male friends but not many women, and those women were not the kind of objects I wanted to have sex with. Already that objectification was starting, how horrible it is. There were good women for sex (none of whom wanted me and I'd act all strange with) and good women for friendship (who some probably wanted me but they weren't the right material in my fucked up head).
I had a good degree though and talent with computers, and a good job, so to the outside world, it didn't seem so bad. Here I started lying to the world seriously - one outward face and another inward life which I only I knew about. I kept completely secret and hidden. Nobody knew. I buried this hard inside myself as it totally shocked and frightened me some of the things I found and watched. I was fucked up and broken and if the real world knew I was like this, society would shun me. I'd be ostracised and truly alone. So, better to lie and keep going right? After all, it's not hurting anyone, is it? Is it? Things were not in a good place and I was out of control. I'd be reckless at work, nearly losing my job a few times and even started to twig coming in stoned or still drunk was not a great idea. But because I was a "high functioning" person, I would still get the work done and smooth things over. Not sustainable though.
Then I met my now-wife. She was the first person I'd ever met outside my family who really seemed to care for me deeply quite early on and act on it. The sex was real and great, she was stunning. We got on really well and the porn usage dipped hugely for me. I quit smoking dope and my drinking went right down. But the porn didn't go away. I didn't make a conscious effort. And - worst of all - I did not disclose it to her. I thought I'd "grow out of it" once we were having regular sex. But I didn't because it was a problem in my head - nothing someone else can fix.
Life continued, we moved in together, then got married and went off both building really good careers for nearly a decade. We had everything and loved each other deeply. We worked hard together and made a great team. We had practically unlimited money from our lucrative careers and paid off the mortgages on 2 London properties. We had no children though, and this was a point of contention that I regret. We had a lot of foreign holidays, meals out, expensive cars etc. etc. most people would think we had a "dream" life, and in many ways it was, but there was a huge dark side lurking and I was burying my head in the sand.
After our courting and my porn usage waning, in about a year it came back and I continued regular usage for all our relationship. Mostly I'd be using once or twice a week for an hour or low. Some months, a bit more, some a bit less. But it was always there in the background. I kept this completely and totally hidden from her. She never suspected a thing. I was so good at lying - lying to her and myself - I even believed my own lies. That it didn't hurt anyone, that it was my reward, that it was her fault. All this total crap and BS I have become extremely ashamed of.
About 3 years ago, we had some bigger escalating disagreements in our marriage. My wife I felt disrespected me and made decisions over my head - we didn't compromise. I started almost having an affair with a woman at my work but stopped and backed off when she started showing (emotional) interest. I was proud that I didn't go further with it, as I found her very attractive. But I totally messed up handling it with my wife and we didn't properly deal with it at all. This was storing up big problems for later. I was a fool and a child.
Now part of me was never happy with the porn. A small part. And so after my nearly-affair, I decide it has to stop. But I am still totally on my own. White-knuckle it. We've all been there. I think I can control this on my own just through willpower. I struggle on and off, maybe staying away for several weeks max before relapsing. This goes on and off for about 8 months but I fail and give in totally. Why bother, I'm doomed.
So, what did I do? You guessed it - more porn. My usage started escalating more and more. Rather than once or twice a week, I was getting up to most days. I just thought, "fuck it, I've had enough, eat all the porn you can" and so I did. This was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.
About a year ago, our marriage started getting more serious problems and comms shutting down and being very superficial. But I was so into my porn, I didn't even realise. How messed up is that? Do you want to be that person? This beautiful woman who loves you, and has given you so much in your life, and so much happiness and yet she feels emotionally starved out and you tell her "so what? your problem". This was the mess I was.
Then in Oct 2015 she tells me she cannot go on like this. It's a big conversation, hard and finally hits me. She does not want the person I've become or this empty hollow life we have. We start sleeping apart. Sex stops. Despite all the money and success on the outside, it's just a shell. And inside, there is her and some resentful emotionally void zombie I have become. She does not want to spend the rest of her life with this. And do you know what I think? "So what, I've got my porn" - WHAT?!?!
Then it keeps going. Two months later, I find very graphic and disturbing details. She is having a physical affair with a work colleague. It's horribly shock, photos, details... way too much details. Her behaviour has been erratic but I never thought it would go that far. I was taking her for granted and look where things have gone. She is responsible for herself, yes, sure, but I cannot deny the role I've played in this. This hits me like a hammer. My life is never going to be the same again.
All this twisted up sexual fantasy from porn swirling around and intensifying in my head all the time. How can I get off to escape this??
Then something snaps. Nobody at all in the world knows about my porn problem. No-one. But maybe, just maybe it was part of the problem here. So, I make a decision. Stop using porn. That day is 6th December 2015. No more porn. We're back to white-knuckle but it's the first step. I moved out of our flat together and am now living on my own too. So, it would be really easy to use and still no-one would know. But yes, I would know. And it's me that matters here. I don't want to be that man and I need help, proper help because I can't fight this on my own. I have tried all my life and it will beat me 1-1 everytime.
I disclose to my wife about my porn use after 2 weeks of being apart. A big part of me hopes that my honesty with her here will bring us back together. But a bigger part just wants to stop living the lie and be a real man, just wants help. She is stunned and never guessed. She feels utterly betrayed and lied to (makes two of us) that I have been dishonest the whole time. It drives us further apart but we still keep talking. She is the first person I have ever told about my problem.
I find a CBT-based group course here in London that starts early Jan 2016. This course helps me a lot, to give me the tools to understand but there's still a huge amount of work to do in myself. The course has now ended (April 2016) so I will share some of my personal experiences with it. As part of this, on the 18th Jan I decide to go for total reboot and have not masturbated to orgasm since (to today, 21st April, so about 3 months), although I have got close a few times. I will also elaborate my experiences with this too below. It's very interesting. This is by far the longest period I've gone without masturbation my whole life.
My marriage is descending into break-up, maybe things are stable a little but so much damage has been done. Coping with losing your partner physically and emotionally alongside porn withdrawal has been very tough but I feel I am getting past the darkest days now and can share and write about it. Whether my marriage is alive or dead, I don't know. We still love each other but the damage is immense and will take years to heal, if possible.
I am trying my best to make amends for the damage I've done. I worry it is too little too late, but I am doing my best to stick at it. I have had a few dodgy moments since Jan but no porn/imagery and things are progressing for me and getting better each day. I can start to see and feel the fruits of my efforts and this is encouraging me to keep pushing forward, exploring myself and life itself too.
To have the courage to face life and these problems and become a better person through them. I cannot change the things that have happened, as much as I would dearly love to. I cannot go back to the life I once had, it is gone. But instead of cravings of fantasies of time passed, I instead have realities to face up to, pain to conquer and hurt to work through - these sufferings are horrible but I want to be proud of myself that I have endured them as a real person, alive with feelings - not with a porn anaesthetic - and want this to help define a better person in myself.
. I am genuinely surprised and thrilled at the change that is happening with my husband. There have been times that I felt like giving up on it all and I felt emotionally cold for long periods of Time. But then he would do something to surprise me. Something unusually thoughtful after I had just been incredibly nasty to him, For example, and suddenly all those loving nice feelings I had for him before would just reemerge.... And each time it gets just a bit stronger. So it's still there. It's like it's Buried and you need to coax it out. Dont give up. It's worth it. Listen to some positive motivational audios on you tube like zig ziglar, Jim Rohn, Andy Andrews etc. It will encourage you. Stay positive. Keep your chin up.