My Journey


Active Member

I want to post my journey here. I have been keeping a hand written journal for the past few months which I plan to edit down here as I progress and reflect to better understand.

My Background

I'm 38 male and live in London. I've been married for 11 years, no children and the relationship has been for 15 years.

I started using porn casually as a teenager (porn mags), before the Internet age. As I got into my late teens though, I started getting access to early Internet porn and used it to regulate my emotions and handle stress in my life. I'd give myself rewards for completing academic work. I had a couple of girlfriends but nothing serious or physical until age 19. Mostly emotional/fantasy relationships for me. At 19, I met a girl on the Internet and we became close within a few months, met in real life and I lost my virginity with her (and her with me) but it was a really bad experience for me, very awkward and I felt humiliated. She was a lot more keen and ready than I was, I think. It felt wrong, I didn't perform well and it was clumsy. This broke up our relationship.

A few years later, I left home and had my own place with totally uncontrolled Internet and no girlfriend. Here, I also had a big problem with cannabis smoking which went on for a few years. I really went to town with porn. I had money, a good job, friends but would spend a lot of free time, many hours in my room wanking off to porn and exploring all kinds of horrible shit for thrills. I didn't check myself. I drank a lot, smoked a lot of weed and OD'd on porn for about 18 months. I was terribly lonely and lacked direction in my life about what I wanted to do. I craved being intimate and close to a woman. I had many male friends but not many women, and those women were not the kind of objects I wanted to have sex with. Already that objectification was starting, how horrible it is. There were good women for sex (none of whom wanted me and I'd act all strange with) and good women for friendship (who some probably wanted me but they weren't the right material in my fucked up head).

I had a good degree though and talent with computers, and a good job, so to the outside world, it didn't seem so bad. Here I started lying to the world seriously - one outward face and another inward life which I only I knew about. I kept completely secret and hidden. Nobody knew. I buried this hard inside myself as it totally shocked and frightened me some of the things I found and watched. I was fucked up and broken and if the real world knew I was like this, society would shun me. I'd be ostracised and truly alone. So, better to lie and keep going right? After all, it's not hurting anyone, is it? Is it? Things were not in a good place and I was out of control. I'd be reckless at work, nearly losing my job a few times and even started to twig coming in stoned or still drunk was not a great idea. But because I was a "high functioning" person, I would still get the work done and smooth things over. Not sustainable though.

Then I met my now-wife. She was the first person I'd ever met outside my family who really seemed to care for me deeply quite early on and act on it. The sex was real and great, she was stunning. We got on really well and the porn usage dipped hugely for me. I quit smoking dope and my drinking went right down. But the porn didn't go away. I didn't make a conscious effort. And - worst of all - I did not disclose it to her. I thought I'd "grow out of it" once we were having regular sex. But I didn't because it was a problem in my head - nothing someone else can fix.

Life continued, we moved in together, then got married and went off both building really good careers for nearly a decade. We had everything and loved each other deeply. We worked hard together and made a great team. We had practically unlimited money from our lucrative careers and paid off the mortgages on 2 London properties. We had no children though, and this was a point of contention that I regret. We had a lot of foreign holidays, meals out, expensive cars etc. etc. most people would think we had a "dream" life, and in many ways it was, but there was a huge dark side lurking and I was burying my head in the sand.

After our courting and my porn usage waning, in about a year it came back and I continued regular usage for all our relationship. Mostly I'd be using once or twice a week for an hour or low. Some months, a bit more, some a bit less. But it was always there in the background. I kept this completely and totally hidden from her. She never suspected a thing. I was so good at lying - lying to her and myself - I even believed my own lies. That it didn't hurt anyone, that it was my reward, that it was her fault. All this total crap and BS I have become extremely ashamed of.

About 3 years ago, we had some bigger escalating disagreements in our marriage. My wife I felt disrespected me and made decisions over my head - we didn't compromise. I started almost having an affair with a woman at my work but stopped and backed off when she started showing (emotional) interest. I was proud that I didn't go further with it, as I found her very attractive. But I totally messed up handling it with my wife and we didn't properly deal with it at all. This was storing up big problems for later. I was a fool and a child.

Now part of me was never happy with the porn. A small part. And so after my nearly-affair, I decide it has to stop. But I am still totally on my own. White-knuckle it. We've all been there. I think I can control this on my own just through willpower. I struggle on and off, maybe staying away for several weeks max before relapsing. This goes on and off for about 8 months but I fail and give in totally. Why bother, I'm doomed.

So, what did I do? You guessed it - more porn. My usage started escalating more and more. Rather than once or twice a week, I was getting up to most days. I just thought, "fuck it, I've had enough, eat all the porn you can" and so I did. This was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.

About a year ago, our marriage started getting more serious problems and comms shutting down and being very superficial. But I was so into my porn, I didn't even realise. How messed up is that? Do you want to be that person? This beautiful woman who loves you, and has given you so much in your life, and so much happiness and yet she feels emotionally starved out and you tell her "so what? your problem". This was the mess I was.

Then in Oct 2015 she tells me she cannot go on like this. It's a big conversation, hard and finally hits me. She does not want the person I've become or this empty hollow life we have. We start sleeping apart. Sex stops. Despite all the money and success on the outside, it's just a shell. And inside, there is her and some resentful emotionally void zombie I have become. She does not want to spend the rest of her life with this. And do you know what I think? "So what, I've got my porn" - WHAT?!?!

Then it keeps going. Two months later, I find very graphic and disturbing details. She is having a physical affair with a work colleague. It's horribly shock, photos, details... way too much details. Her behaviour has been erratic but I never thought it would go that far. I was taking her for granted and look where things have gone. She is responsible for herself, yes, sure, but I cannot deny the role I've played in this. This hits me like a hammer. My life is never going to be the same again.

All this twisted up sexual fantasy from porn swirling around and intensifying in my head all the time. How can I get off to escape this??

Then something snaps. Nobody at all in the world knows about my porn problem. No-one. But maybe, just maybe it was part of the problem here. So, I make a decision. Stop using porn. That day is 6th December 2015. No more porn. We're back to white-knuckle but it's the first step. I moved out of our flat together and am now living on my own too. So, it would be really easy to use and still no-one would know. But yes, I would know. And it's me that matters here. I don't want to be that man and I need help, proper help because I can't fight this on my own. I have tried all my life and it will beat me 1-1 everytime.

I disclose to my wife about my porn use after 2 weeks of being apart. A big part of me hopes that my honesty with her here will bring us back together. But a bigger part just wants to stop living the lie and be a real man, just wants help. She is stunned and never guessed. She feels utterly betrayed and lied to (makes two of us) that I have been dishonest the whole time. It drives us further apart but we still keep talking. She is the first person I have ever told about my problem.

I find a CBT-based group course here in London that starts early Jan 2016. This course helps me a lot, to give me the tools to understand but there's still a huge amount of work to do in myself. The course has now ended (April 2016) so I will share some of my personal experiences with it. As part of this, on the 18th Jan I decide to go for total reboot and have not masturbated to orgasm since (to today, 21st April, so about 3 months), although I have got close a few times. I will also elaborate my experiences with this too below. It's very interesting. This is by far the longest period I've gone without masturbation my whole life.

My marriage is descending into break-up, maybe things are stable a little but so much damage has been done. Coping with losing your partner physically and emotionally alongside porn withdrawal has been very tough but I feel I am getting past the darkest days now and can share and write about it. Whether my marriage is alive or dead, I don't know. We still love each other but the damage is immense and will take years to heal, if possible.

I am trying my best to make amends for the damage I've done. I worry it is too little too late, but I am doing my best to stick at it. I have had a few dodgy moments since Jan but no porn/imagery and things are progressing for me and getting better each day. I can start to see and feel the fruits of my efforts and this is encouraging me to keep pushing forward, exploring myself and life itself too.

To have the courage to face life and these problems and become a better person through them. I cannot change the things that have happened, as much as I would dearly love to. I cannot go back to the life I once had, it is gone. But instead of cravings of fantasies of time passed, I instead have realities to face up to, pain to conquer and hurt to work through - these sufferings are horrible but I want to be proud of myself that I have endured them as a real person, alive with feelings - not with a porn anaesthetic - and want this to help define a better person in myself.
Dear offaxis,

Thank you very much for sharing your story.  I can relate to many aspects and have had a flood of "I remember when's". 

I remember when I first shared my habits and infidelities with my wife. 

I remember when I felt like nothing else mattered except the PMO and prostitutes.

I remember when for 18 months I let my self slide into a drunken unfit mess while my wife took care of our 2 young boys.

There are many other and I want to acknowledge your courage to get help and move through to a life without porn. 

I am impressed with your ability to live with the uncertainty in your marriage...that takes a lot of strength.

Keep sharing and thanks for being part of the community here.

All the best,


Active Member
Thank you for your kind words and honesty Adam, much appreciated.

I hope you are moving forward with your life and can forgive yourself. I don't have children but can imagine how terrible you must feel over what has happened in the past. I wish you every luck and strength in becoming the better man you want to be.

I have a lot more to share, but so little time it feels. Many reflections from my journal and the past several months. I will post more.




Active Member
Wow, what a story. I think you should look up Jason Martinkus on you tube. Him and his wife have kitchen convo's they call them. They are a good example of just how bad things can be and still recover.  Me and my husband are working at recovery. Almost a year from the start of his staggered disclosure and I do see a glimpse of light now. However, it's not easy. Jason martinkus also writes a book called worthy of her trust. It's good. My husband is also 38.


Staff member
You have made a good decision to make your life better!  The best part of this is that your realize over time that the cumulative actions had a result.  You also have noticed that this changed you and as a result changed your marriage.  It often is subtle.  Then it changes your attitude toward your wife and your marriage.  And as the husbands change, their wife changes.  Both in reality and in the porn brain. 

When a marriage starts out it is Husband + Wife = Happy Marriage  it is two people.  ( I say it this way because porn usually does not have quite the pull when the dopamine comes from a new relationship)  But then we get Husband + Wife + Porn = Three and three is an unbalanced number.  When you take porn away or start to decrease its use, you are working back toward balance.  That is important.


Active Member
Thank you for your support.

I did check out Jason Martinkus. There are some good videos and advice from a couple who have clearly fought through this problem and gained a lot of strength. They are a very religious couple and personally, I am not a religious person so that did not really click with me. But I did really admire Jason's surrender and willingness to change, that was quite inspirational. Particularly he talked about at first not understanding his wife's feelings and trying to argue or counter her - this was also my natural reaction to begin with, and when I started accepting the (horrible and upsetting) things she was saying about me were genuine, this really helped me gain perspective and own my actions to take responsibility. In many ways, I knew my actions were harmful but was then initially quite dismissive of how much and in denial about my wife's feelings. Jason I think articulates this well. So, more watching for me there.

Gracie, you are right that the changes are subtle. I think I have been expecting too much too quickly but am now becoming more realistic about progress and see this as many months and years of work to get back completely on track. I have felt much more alert the past few weeks and becoming more aware and perceptive of the world in general as the fog lifts. This is slow and sometimes I still feel I am going back to my old ways of being withdrawn internally (without going to porn though, thankfully). Honestly, I feel like abstinence has really helped here. Not just no porn, but no masturbation either. Occasionally I have edged (not to porn) a few times in the past 3 months but I find my urges are much more physical, present and self-loving when that happens and the fantasy is very much diminishing as time goes on.

My relationship with my wife is badly damaged and honestly the more I look at it coldly, I worry it is over. We spent some time over the weekend together and positive conversation, good company and fun together. But she is very wary of giving me any commitment or signals. She was hinting at some family events in the next few months and discussing some works to our flat too, yet I don't live here. I think she is frightened it would be a green light for me to go back to my old ways if she let me back and she wants to see more signs of change from me. I do still love her. However, she's very vague on timelines and won't be pinned down. I fear she is still carrying on with other people, probably casually as I believe her affair is over but she won't talk about it much at all (she says until she's ready to commit again, if ever, perhaps she fears if she tells me she's also been sleeping with more people in the interim that will push me over the edge, which it probably would, this is not a good place). It's hard for me because on the one hand, I can appreciate her position and how badly I have hurt her that she cannot just take me back after everything. Yet equally, we have now been separated for 5 months and beyond a few occasional verbal assurances there is no-one else, she is still on the fence. Whereas I have been very clear and consistent I want to make amends. So, I am left thinking that if someone cannot decide they want me, that's not a good sign. Yet the other side of me knows I have lied to her for 15 years so I should give her more than is fair to make up her mind. Still, I find it hard to reconcile her attitude about her affair - that at a level she seems to believe I deserved that for the porn and recent years of emotional starvation. That makes it hard for me to go back to her, even if she wants to now. I find myself following a path again where I am trying to do the right thing but above my own needs. Yet I must make amends for what I have done, at pretty much any cost to myself. This is my quandry.

Yesterday (Saturday), I went to visit a very old friend of mine. A guy I have known most of my life over 25 years. He's been a good friend these past few months and we were talking a lot about relationships and my marriage problems, discussing with him and his wife. I felt comfortable disclosing my porn addiction to them and had already semi-planned to do this anyway, as I wanted his support in keeping me honest and I have trusted him in the past with some very personal things before. He was a superb friend to me and was very supportive and non-judgemental. Initially I was hesitant disclosing in front of his wife, who I didn't know very well. But after several hours of talking, I felt very connected to both of them and safe with her. We could talk openly about the impact porn has had on me and my feelings around it. They were both sympathetic and supportive. I didn't feel any stigma and little shame. This was really positive for me as they are the first of my friends I have disclosed to and I want to tell more of my friends to get out of the secrecy. So now people in the real world who know: my wife, my good life friend (and his wife) and several people from my help group (anonymous really). I have another good life friend I want to tell also, and perhaps another couple I have known about 10 years too who are also good friends.

I found actually this was a great relief again for me that I was no longer hiding and could speak these things out to people who actually know me face-to-face, rather than anonymously. While anonymous has been really good and positive (real people) there is something a bit different about friends you have known for a long time, and always a risk you can jeopardise the relationship. I feel very lucky and grateful to have such a supportive and open-minded friends who are there for me when I really needed them. I already knew they were good people but their response quite took me back and I felt emotional. His wife does not really know me very well much at all, but she was also very understanding. Interestingly, she commented how much different I seemed, being much more open/connected than when I first met her a few years previous. This was really positive for me that I am becoming more open in the world and having the courage being vulnerable around people. My friend had noticed less but then I also said how infrequently I had seen him in recent years, that we had not kept in touch or been as close as earlier days because of my compulsion. It also made me sad at how withdrawn I had been for so many years and highlighted the hurt I've inflicted on my wife again. So, quite bittersweet.




Active Member
My update for today. Quite a lot.

Was going over my wife's affair and details in my mind. Got incredibly angry and raging, only barely in control of myself. Then cried a lot when I got home. Feeling utterly depressed and ruined. I thought I was kind of OK but then relived a lot of shame at how I'd been acting out while her affair was going on. Felt very very angry towards her and hateful. This is really odd for me as I've been trying to empathise with her and re-connect. Calmed down a little now but earlier felt so hateful towards her, like I've never really felt before. I think I've been trying to be too nice and repressing my negative feelings. Really didn't like myself and felt I was weak and pathetic.

Spoke to 2 guys from my group but we didn't get into things in much detail. Still, was good to catch up. Felt I have too much to say, they seem to be coping better on the surface. We have a meet up planned for tomorrow but people bailing out, that depressed and angered me too. I am feeling entitled.

Realising I am not making progress with my recovery. Feel like things are in a holding pattern right now. I know what my vision is from my life but part of that includes intimacy with my wife and feeling that we share our lives and are whole again. I can't reconcile this with her being unsure about our future. So in the meantime, I need to work on other areas of my vision that are about me. Been slacking off swimming over the weekend, so need to make an effort tomorrow morning. Thinking more seriously about leaving her, and feeling less ashamed of myself for doing so than before. Felt I need to make amends but I can't do that alone if she doesn't want it. I suppose I am still angry and entitled. I want things to be on my terms but need to accept they're not.

I forgot to sort out some active parts of my recovery that I meant to do today, so that is top priority for tomorrow. I want to get some photographs of my wife and loved ones in frames by my computer and around the place. Realised I have nothing and how soulless that is. Want to be reminded that real people fill my life.

Been contemplating breaking my abstinence. Crossed 90 days a week ago now. Earlier on, I was begging for the time to pass so I could masturbate. Now it's gone though I'm less sure. I have this Friday off work, so may try to break it then in a positive fashion by having the day to myself, pampering myself at the spa (hopefully male-only day) and then engaging in some mindful masturbation and self love when I get home in a relaxing evening/afternoon. I feel like I am forcing myself too much to avoid physical stimulation. I could go out and find a woman with some effort but feel I would be cheating on my wife still if I did. I can't do that. But equally I am still having some occassional fantasy although mild every few days or so, but doing my best to keep these thoughts aside. So, self-love I think may be positive as a physical and present experience and also as a pre-planned activity, so I am not reacting to triggers or emotion swings. Still feel uneasy though. Not sure.


Well-Known Member
Incredible story. I was also disturbed by the stuff i was watching. Really don't want to go back to that.
Whether to masturbate or not is a tough call. For me it has always lead back to porn. But some people can seperate the two.
  You're doing great. Keep sharing.


Active Member
Thank you Pinkerton.

Went swimming yesterday, did 1km which was my normal and good.

Also purchased photo frames for my home and selected what pictures I want to get printed out today. Reading quite a bit of Brian Alger on death and mortality. Today I might die. That motivated me!

Still quite a lot of thoughts about (exotic physical forms of) masturbation but not fantasy of porn. Some objectification, trying consciously to focus off. Good eye contact with a few women today (one I clocked looking at me and smiled and she blushed and turned away which made me feel good, maybe I like controlling people too much). Reading up more mindful masturbation. Zoned out on the Internet a bit last night - no porn urges but a waste of time. Went out for dinner with a guy from my group last night, which was really good company and enjoyed - had a few chats about things, some just casual. He's an interesting guy and we have quite a bit in common outside sex addiction problems.

Feeling quite tired and generally a bit low. Not really mood swings or aggression anymore, just despondent. Unsure I can go back to my wife but I think I feel like this because I am still very hurt and so angry deep down under the surface, I cannot really forgive yet despite wanting to.

There is a long weekend here in the UK coming up (Bank Holiday Monday) and I also have some time off work but haven't planned anything, which is bad. So, I need to make some arrangements ASAP. I can maybe do 1 day alone with a lot to work and reflect on about myself, but I don't want much more than that. Looking around a bit for some activity groups, need to be with some people.


Active Member
Things not good.

Serious relationship problems and breakdown. Lots of anger and bad communications. Difficult, being threatened that marriage is over unless I do specific actions (which I would have agreed to anyway without threats). Insults, anger, I am liar and not a man etc. Find it hard to cope with, don't want to talk to her. Just getting angry at me all the time, ambush and cannot manage herself. Does not want to listen, and I feel things are very one-sided. Feel I am trying by best to stay clean, listen to her, discuss and fix myself but not good enough. Perhaps it isn't.

Yesterday otherwise I had quite a good day to myself, on my own but did some things. Reviewed some aspects of my course, spoke to a guy from group. Have a few deeper questions trying to understand the roots of my addition and positive sexuality which I plan to talk to my therapist about next week to explore. A bit of odd masturbation fantasy going on again. Had a couple of sexually-inclined dreams. Not acted out on any of it. Really worried and stressed over our relationship. Didn't sleep much last night, physically exhausted.


Well-Known Member
That's so hard to go through. The outbursts and the insults are very hard to take. With my wife it seems to have been more about her pain than about me. Even though she truly seemed to hate me a lot of the time. I found that to be true of other women in the partners section here. I know that doesn't really excuse it, but as far as i know there isn't a lot we can do but accept it, try to understand and sympathize, and you can continue to be forthright with her. Hope for the best and know that you can carry on with life whatever the outcome. It will pass eventually.
Good luck, and good work staying clean through trying times.


Active Member
It's hard to understand what a wife goes through when her husband is using other women for his sexual gratification. It's very hurtful and we feel betrayed, deceived, devalued. If your interested in what a wife goes through you can read the spouses section. I also try to describe how I'm feeling
In my journal in the women's section. Every situation is unique as well. It's not to say that your in the wrong by being angry and hurt either. You've also been hurt by her cheating. As women when you view porn in my experience it feels as if you have cheated. Her pain in relation to your porn viewing, whether you agree or not, is, I can almost guarantee as bad as yours is in relation to her cheating. I could be wrong as all people don't experience things the same. In my experience this is the case for most women, myself included.


Active Member
Read page one of my post in the partners section, wow do I feel stupid is the title. Even I forget what I wrote. I just went back and red the first page. It's long but it tells a lot of what we go through and I think you will see that your wife is very "normal" on her reaction/actions.


Active Member
Thank you for the words of support to try and make me see the other side more.

I think she is in a hard place and I can sympathise a lot. The thing that gets me most is that she feels so unsure about our marriage, but I do not. I feel like instead of comparing crimes and who has done what, we should try and move on and deal more with the now. She is pushing my buttons and boundaries a lot and said yesterday she feels relationship cannot be saved. But she won't walk away either. I have been clear 100% I want to fix things and that I love her. When the other person is only 50% (and getting worse as time goes on), it feels hard to keep going. Maybe I should just accept it is over (that doesn't mean being angry or anything, just moving on with my life). She will not talk about her affair and openly feels no remorse when asked, but expects me to grovel all the time and just gets angry/abusive towards me and is very one-sided. We are 5 months living apart here. So, yes, I can accept and explore I have messed things up but I don't think that justifies her frankly being an a$%hole to me about it and threatening me. She expects me to be a Saint towards tolerating/ignoring her behaviour and patience while she sits on the fence, yet wants to kick me all the time back. I am willing to make amends, but I don't think that's a fair way to treat someone. She is openly "I love you but not in love etc." and not showing much love to make amends on her side. So, part of me just thinks, "well, f**k it, if you're not sure, I am."

Is that wrong? I can accept that her affair was a "cry for help" because of my acting out. It was a bad/immature way of coping with our relationship problems. She feels she had no choice and there was no other way. BS. I think ultimately, both sides have to accept their share of the blame and problems if things are going to move on. So, of course I can understand that she feels very wrong and deceived. That who she thought I was has something missing and she is questioning that. There is a fundamental honesty gap. The real question is; what are you going to do about it? How are you going to handle it? Hurling threats and insults at me, telling me that she wouldn't have married me if she had known etc. is just downright hurtful. And maybe she's still carrying on with other people, how do I know for sure? I don't. This is not a great way to want your husband to come back and work at things. Perhaps the damage is just too great for her, I don't know. Personally, I think even if you did feel like that, you'd realise it's better to at least try and play along until your feelings settled down and you could think straight instead of refusing to talk, threatening, pushing way and causing more trouble?

So, yes, I feel very angry and frustrated. And perhaps entitled. Certainly, she is very hurt but people have a choice how they react to that. Either they think their feelings are more important than everything and crap all over the world around them - me me me, or they control themselves and act in a goal-oriented way to get a win-win, give and take. We're only human and everyone blows past a certain point, but when that point is not far off zero and goes on for months, well, one-sided doesn't last forever.

I suppose as well, I felt for a long time dissatisfied with our sex life for many years and had talked to my wife a lot about this but she didn't want to do anything differently (and I was so deep in denial about my porn use that I didn't see the link and at a level just wanted to sexualise her further).  I never felt like she owed me sex, so if she didn't want, she didn't want. That was my problem (and hey, I always had porn, right?).

Meanwhile, back at the Bat Cave:

Woke up this morning feeling very horny, aroused. Bit of mild fantasy (non-porn). Wanted a woman, physically. Masturbated to climax, bit elaborate/exotic. No porn at all, some mild non-porn fantasy but mostly a very physical experience. Felt a strong physical urge once started and couldn't stop once I got going, so that is the end of a 104 day abstinence streak for me. My longest ever by a long long way.

Surprisingly, climax was physically pretty weak. In fact felt a bit of an anti-climax vs what I remember from porn. Didn't edge. Lot less powerful than I felt before with porn, and felt quite physically weak afterwards, more of a physical tingling like after real sex. Needed a few minutes after. Felt my emotions didn't change much, which was pretty odd/unusual. Very surprising actually. Before I used to feel a large sense of relief of pressure. Like a weight lifted. But today I did not. I didn't get "a hit" if that makes sense.

Was a bit unhappy that I wasn't entirely in control of my urges but felt strongly it was my body driving it. Don't feel the need for a chaser. Think I will wait a few weeks at least before going again. Did feel strongly withdrawn after for a few hours but back OK now.



Active Member
Horrible dreams last night of my friends dying before me and being powerless to help.

Woke up feeling deep, deep guilt at how I have destroyed my marriage and ruined my life and hurt the woman I love so badly. Feeling very terrible about myself, much more than just acknowledging and owning my actions but very strong feelings dominating me around this. Angry at myself and feeling very worthless. Not sure I can forgive myself. I don't love myself.

Work very stressful. I have made some big mistakes and need to redo a lot of work. Feeling threatened. My life is getting too unbalanced again. Feeling quite panicky at work, which is extremely unusual for me. I am not keeping up. Normally I am very high functioning and in control. Very shaken by feeling the effects of my actions.

Not feeling any real urge for porn. Actually had an odd experience a few days ago where I strongly did not want to look at porn; it quite repulsed me. I did not feel any excitement at the idea. But now I can at least feel there is something there, that it would still be a thrill although I have no urge to act out.

Had a group (real life) meet up today. Was very positive, met a couple of new guys struggling with their compulsions too. Talked through and shared some common issues and themes. Felt it was powerful and felt quite connected. Found some insight into myself and my behaviours. That until I had to face up to the consequences, I had no incentive to change. Also a strong connection about getting a life, feeling like I should fill in the things I have been missing out on by using porn instead. That came back quite a lot - it's not so much getting rid of porn, but instead getting a life. Past week or so, that's been out of balance and tilting back so I need to sort that out. I think my current life (work) is very poor and I need a major lifestyle change. I keep coming back to that, but what exactly?

Thinking quite a bit about positive sexuality. What is acceptable and OK behaviour to me is actually pretty narrow. Really only sex with my wife. Even masturbation is a bit dodgy for me in the wrong context, so I am trying to get more comfortable with this. Realised that what I want really is connection. Sex itself does not really do it for me, or at least my view has radically changed. Why does society hold sex up as something so powerful, mysterious, secretive or even taboo? (Or is that my misguided perception?).


Active Member
I agree that it sounds like your wife is being unreasonable. Maybe she needs time to come around, or maybe you just need to let go. I think our Sex drive is much more tied to emotions then yours. So if you were disconnected from her emotionally due to your porn use then yes it's very normal. I find that with men, from what I read, your sex drive is very much driven by physical/hormonal urges. However, in my experience ours is not. More emotional. If you guys see a naked girl, it will make you horny or give you a physical urge for sex. Not I. If I'm not in the right mood, hubby could stand there naked all day and it wouldn't do anything for me. We want to have sex, or I do, when I am feeling loved by him and therefore feel loving towards him. If we are not feeling very significant to you or feeling very loved by you our sex drive is nil. About masturbation and fantasy. Any fantasy is porn from what I've learned. Of course it effects each person differently and you may be able to take part in mild fantasy and masturbation with no obvious side effects. However porn is not just hardcore nor is it videos, it is fantasy and anything that's not "real" with another human being. Porn is one dimensional, while real Sex is 3 or more. I red a blog post about it somewhere and it was good but I can't remember where now. Anyway, anything that is training your brain to get a dopamine release anywhere but with a partner is bad. My husband had Ed so it was easy to tell and with him, even fantasizing about us set him back. Took satisfaction away from the actual act when we did do it, which is one in the same I guess. His Ed would become worse because he was no longer getting or should I say reacting to the amount of dopamine normal sex was giving him.


Well-Known Member
Realizing that I needed to fix the parts of my life that kept me going to porn was a big step for me. I haven't fixed them yet but knowing them for what they are and working toward a remedy is working much better.  I am at the point where i know i also need some lifestyle changes - now i just have to figure out what those are.
It is terrible what has happened between you and your wife. Just remember you can't control what she does or thinks, all you can do is take care of yourself and keep doing the next right thing. Easier said than done.
Good luck. Keep sharing with us.


Active Member
Thank you for your feedback pinkerton and objectified.

Honestly, since rebooting and the decline of my marriage, I realised that I want the emotional connection much more then just a physical one. Perhaps I am not stereotypical anymore. Before, I'd see a physically attractive women and want sex with her. Now, I just feel lonely and empty. Probably I am just not in a great place.

I'm also in a similar place wanting to redefine my life but not knowing quite how. Or perhaps not being bold enough to do it. I realised there are a lot of things I am unhappy with, that I convinced myself were acceptable compromises but I now am wondering if I short changed myself.

Like most people, I want what I can't have, which really means I cannot accept what I do have.

The scale and reality of my dishonesty has started to dawn on me this week. I feel extremely ashamed and worthless over how I mistreated my wife all these years. I had a great gift which I squandered. I am not sure how to deal with all this guilt and how horrible I have been. I am thinking she is better off without me, and perhaps the world is too. I know this is self-pity but the deep feelings of being a defective person I cannot shake off. There are people who support and accept me but I cannot accept myself. I broke my own rules for all these years and have lost the woman I love. She is gone and part of me with her. I feel I have failed at life and let down the most important person in my life and myself. I want to run but there is nowhere to run to.

I see the way my wife looks at me now. Like she does not know me and is afraid of me. I did that. I do not love myself, not see how I could change that. What's done is done.


Active Member
That can change. Me and and my husband are almost a year in now and things are finally improving. It takes a while but the way she looks at you can change. She got to know you in the first place she can get to know you again. It takes time and even if she's not willing at the moment you can inspire her to be willing :). I am genuinely surprised and thrilled at the change that is happening with my husband. There have been times that I felt like giving up on it all and I felt emotionally cold for long periods of  Time. But then he would do something to surprise me. Something unusually thoughtful after I had just been incredibly nasty to him, For example, and suddenly all those loving nice feelings I had for him before would just reemerge.... And each time it gets just a bit stronger. So it's still there. It's like it's Buried and you need to coax it out. Dont give up. It's worth it. Listen to some positive motivational audios on you tube like zig ziglar, Jim Rohn, Andy Andrews etc. It will encourage you. Stay positive. Keep your chin up.
Do nice thoughtful things when she doesn't deserve it or is mean and when she isn't. Show her your in it because you love her, not for what she can do for


Active Member
Thank you for your words of support, Objectified. You're right that I should persevere. You seem to have love and willing. I really do hope your husband appreciates how special that is.

I went to see my therapist individually yesterday as I had some questions about the course I finished a month ago. I feel a lot of shame, regret and guilt over my actions and the lost years. Emotionally I have never felt like this before and it's been very volatile. Learning how to balance and manage that is something I need to do. The past couple of weeks I've not been taking great care of myself and need to stay on top of that so I don't relapse. I've got some plans already in.

In many ways, I feel emotionally I've regressed back to my late teens or early twenties. The time before I started really using porn heavily. Apparently, this is a good thing but it's made me see how stunted my development has been when I look around and realise other people in my peer group aren't like me and have had to face life and already gained a lot of experience that i don't have. I am nearly twenty years behind the curve. I feel there is a different me coming out, more alive and sensitive. I feel very vulnerable and fragile.

I met my wife last night for dinner and we talked a lot. I could better express myself without getting angry and explained a lot of this to her, as well as being able to talk more about us. There are a lot of problems and I'm coming around to accepting my future is not with her. Not in an angry or nasty way but that we want different things and have a different view on life. She needs a lot of time apart and so do I. She told me that she had been emotionally unfaithful several times throughout our marriage with other men and never saw anything wrong with that (and still doesn't). Most shockingly, she said it hadn't got sexual before because she didn't want to impact the other man's life or he was already in a relationship and didn't want that. Not because of the impact to me or us. She felt this was justified because of how withdrawn I've been. This had been going on since before our marriage and continued all after. To me, this explained a lot about her attitude towards me and the trust barrier that's been there for years. It's been both me being unavailable and her going elsewhere since day one really. Although she did say she did not regret our marriage, I realise now things have always been deeply flawed between us. I think I am better off going away on my own and being comfortable with myself and rebuilding my own life. It's very sad for me, that what I thought our past was has turned out to be a lie and she has had to seek so much outside for so long. And neither of us really questioned or challenged that. I feel like I need a lot of time on my own to make sense of everything. There's a strong sense still from her that I am to blame for everything, which I think is unfair. I was definitely using porn in the past to avoid confronting relationship difficulties but those difficulties were a product of us both, not just me. She doesn't see it like that and feels her chronic emotional infidelity is normal and what everyone does. I think I need to stop seeing her so I can preserve  some of the better, happier memories of our marriage before she distorts everything beyond recognition. I know I did some things right over the years and I won't have her twist it all.

She came back to my flat last night as we both wanted to cuddle and be close. We listened to music, didn't have much to say and she fell asleep on the sofa and stayed the night. That's the first time we've been able to do that in 6 months. I think she felt more connected but for me, it has highlighted that I'm alone now. I worry we both have a very different idea of what a good relationship should be.

Strangely, I am starting to feel a bit more OK about everything. Like we are getting to the bottom of things.

Another issue that came up last night is that she wants a friend to move into our flat together with her (she currently lives there alone). This is yet another example of her pushing boundaries and provoking things. I said it felt very rejecting and hurtful, and basically precludes me moving back in (which I now don't really want to do anyway). Unsurprisingly, she doesn't see it like that and it would be temporary, she is helping her friend out, wants some company etc. Apparently she did want me to move back in a couple of weeks ago but didn't actually say so or talk about it with me (!?). I should have known this also, she was genuinely surprised I didn't because it was obvious apparently . But since then, I've been worse and arguing so she doesn't want me to move back. So, it was my fault for not being psychic and I had the chance to read her mind but missed it, so sorry, too late. Seriously? I don't deserve to be treated like that, regardless of what I've done. It's emotionally abusive. She regards that as normal positive behaviour and I am totally at fault.

So, I feel angry at her that she won't end our marriage  cleanly. She is being spineless, adding complications and backing away without being direct or honest about it. I am angry and sick of her attitude. I also predicted her friend moving in would happen in an angry letter to her a few months back, which has been conveniently forgotten. I know where that path ends. There is still some of my personal stuff at the flat which I don't want someone I don't know going through either. So, I'd need to move that out. I suppose it's the last final stage of rejection really. This way she can ask me to leave her life without asking openly. It's cowardly but I at least know where I stand now and what she thinks of me.