My Journey

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I hope you're doing ok, OA. I've stopped posting in your thread because I sensed that my thoughts were not really welcomed anymore. But I wish you well in your future and I'll keep reading to see how you're going. Take care and best wishes, M.
 

offaxis

Active Member
I've not posted for several days, mostly from being too busy, which is probably a good thing. I do appreciate your comments malando, even if I don't agree or do things differently, it's good to know somebody is reading.

Last week I was back at my parents doing more decorating which really helped me switch off and focus on doing something physical. I was out most evenings in the week too until quite late. It was just keeping busy most of all. I feel pretty tired. I've not been taking much time for myself, so am off to see a film tonight to relax. I did act out on Friday looking at escort sites but didn't masturbate. That was after an awkward evening with my wife.

The weekday just gone, I have moved out of my flat where I was living alone can back into our flat. My wife has moved out to another place. So far it's been OK and I feel better about it than I thought I would. A lot of the anxiety and tension seems to have gone. But I worry it is a lot of old patterns. I am working to minimise my acting out opportunities over the next week or so while I settle back in. The place is a mess and needs a lot of tidying up.

My wife and I spent a lot of time over the weekend and were able to actually talk more seriously at points where she stopped pinning so much on me and reflected a bit more. I think the moving out has really been a big wake up call for her there and probably I should have done it sooner. Everything is still far from good but for the first time I felt it is going in the right direction. I need to stick to my recovery though most importantly. I got really sad over the weekend moving back, a lot of mixed memories.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I'm glad you aren't upset with me, OA. It sounds like you're handling it ok. It takes time for things to settle and reveal themselves for what they are. In a month from now you'll be more clear on what you want than you are today. In the meantime, play it by ear. If you feel like spending time with your wife, by all means do so. Just protect yourself against counterproductive emotions. Tidy up your place and prepare for any contingency regarding your wife. Good luck! M.
 

offaxis

Active Member
Thank you again.

I am feeling more able to cope with things. But it is taking a long time and going slowly. Paradoxically, I feel I don't have enough time to myself by a long way to do all the things I want to do but at the same time am fearful having time on my own as that is a trigger. Over time, I am realising more and more there is less wrong with me than I thought. Or rather, it's in a different direction. Before, I used to think I am deeply flawed and broken. Now I realise more I just have some bad habits in how I deal with bits of my relationship. We need to get down to the root issues to fix things though.

Feeling OK today although a bit withdrawn or on edge. I have a group meeting tonight in real life which should be good.

Got some focus at work today but it's slow going and tedious. Realising more and more I really don't like this project and need to get off it one way or the other.

Cycled to work the past couple of days, which has been good but not been swimming for ages. Need to get back into that (see above about not having enough time for me!).
 

offaxis

Active Member
Feeling OK today. Seem to be very tired lately though, sleeping a lot and not wanting to get up in the morning.

Been reasonably productive at work.

Last night I saw my therapist and poured out a lot of the resentment and negativity about my marriage. Strangely, I felt quite a bit better afterwards. Still had some anger but not as bad. Met my wife for dinner which went OK, reasonably good evening. She didn't rant or go off and neither did I.

Still struggling a bit with healthy M. I am still using some fantasy but only been M once every 7-10 days for the past several months which feels OK. I think I am getting better at telling when I have the urge and doing it rather then denying myself in case it leads to relapse. I still often get a chaser urge after M (usually the next day rather than immediately) but this diminishing with time.

The fantasy elements I would like to handle better. I am not fantasising about porn but more real world things with real women. Also given the low frequency, I don't think this is anywhere near as harmful as porn but it isn't great and I feel is a step backwards from where I was earlier this year. Before I realised I was making my goal not to M unless I had to but this makes things harder and the build up greater. I may try M more frequently/regularly but being much more strict about no fantasy.
 

offaxis

Active Member
Feeling pretty tired today and quite withdrawn, in a bubble a hit. Out with friends tonight which should be good.

Physically I've had some back problems the past few days but getting better. Still having trouble getting up in the morning, which I feel is mild depression. Don't seem to have any time for myself. Performance at work poor today.

Last night I went off into fantasy which I don't think helped. I actually think this is something of a substitute for porn in a way but not as intense or severe. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's in the same zone but feels much less acute or triggers different things.

My self care has definitely lapsed this week a lot. Mostly just die to being out all the time. I have not done any meditation this week.

Met my wife for dinner last night which was good. She was quite affectionate and we had a nice time. I told her I appreciated that.

Just feeling mostly likely I could do with a few days off somewhere nice and warm to recharge. Maybe I'll take a day off work next week.
 

offaxis

Active Member
Feeling a lot calmer these past few days since moving back into our flat. Not sure what the future holds but we have at least started to talk a bit more seriously.

Went to some family fireworks on the weekend which was great. Enjoyed the social side and made me feel better. More positive about myself too.

Not really been tempted much back onto the porn but still wary it's lurking there. Fantasy a bit of an issue but less severe than last week.

Been keeping up the cycling which is good but not been swimming which I need to get back into. Been doing quite a lot of domestic bits, clearing the place up and fixing up some bits of disrepair that have happened. Had a serious problem through on Saturday which needs some cosmetic work.

My wife is still quite emotionally withdrawn. I don't know what's going on there but could talk about it to her. I think it was one of the reasons I fled to porn before siey own intimacy issues and that really isn't working now anymore but I feel much less stressed or threatened by it.
 

offaxis

Active Member
Things been quiet. Not really huge progress in my relationship with my wife. We did have a couple of good conversations last week but I think both find it difficult to stay open minded and explore a topic. Instead there is a lot of anger.

We are away for a weekend together but I don't feel it is much reconciliation. Hopefully we'll have a nice enough time but suspect the real problems will be getting glossed over, which frustrates me.

I've had a lot of stress at work too, which hasn't helped. I need to get off onto a different project and have some plans for that.

I've had some small triggers but generally felt much much better moving back into our flat. No strong urges to act out that I haven't been able to cope with. I feel I am healing a bit.
 

offaxis

Active Member
So last night I acted out quite suddenly. This was not good but I've been reflecting hard on how and why.

Again I went down the route of conscious decision and instead of meditation. It was a poor choice. I was feeling tired, lonely and most of all disconnected. I've been feeling ill too the past few days which didn't help. The most remarkable thing though was the realisation how quickly I went from triggered to action and the role fantasy played in that. Before I would feel a strong build up for days and having to resist (or get drawn into iffy behaviour). This time it was much shorter. In the end I was bored of it. So this a good check to recognise I can still choose to make poor choices and not get complacent, as well as realising that entertaining fantasy is a short path to acting out too.

Today strangely, I haven't felt very angry with myself and instead been a lot more sociable and found work a bit more tolerable as I worked on plans for sorting it out longer term.

I realised too from my journal that I am on a 3 week cycle of really struggling now, so have put a future note on around that as I want to break clear free entirely.
 

offaxis

Active Member
It's been a while but I am still doing more or less OK. No real slips so far or serious temptations recently. But I am in the middle of my 3 week cycle, so a quite time.

My wife and I went away over the weekend together which was actually pretty good. We did some talking but no major progress on the relationship. It was a mixed bag with some good times and strong reminders of how things were. A couple of tense moments but overall positive for me.

Meanwhile I've been continuing to work on myself and things I am more interested in, which is good. I still don't have a life goal cracked yet but realise it needs to be independent on my wife as she isn't in a place to do much. I feel very rejected overall and have been able to express this to her but she is very self absorbed in her own problems and blaming me a lot (some of which is justified but she seems to struggle in turning the same level of criticism back onto herself). She feels rejected by me over the porn (very understandable) and does not feel able to come back fully to the relationship.

I have felt better focussing more on my needs and doing more smaller things for myself, independent of her. I realised that doesn't have to be big things like where to live or having another girlfriend or anything but instead can be smaller. It's more about me taking control of my life.

Probably things are gone between me and my wife. There's been a lot of damage done and I don't know if I want to repair it. Perhaps having more time apart would help. Mostly I need to work out what I want from my life though, this is my main goal. I know part of that needs other people and social interaction.

Work has not changed but I am coping better. I stood up and asked for reassignment onto a different project, which has been heard abs listened to. We'll see what changes and if I need to keep pushing.

Generally things are better when I keep busy and fantasy out. But fantasy is still the main issue. I had a sex dream last night, quite long and protracted but didn't O. Felt OK.

Overall, I still feel quite depressed often with quite low motivation and my mood moves around. Sometimes better, sometimes worse.

Ive been keeping up seeing my group friends, which has been great and very very helpful. Hard to overstate that. Out with an old friend tonight.

Peace to you all.

 

offaxis

Active Member
My posts are getting less frequent. I am not sure if that's a good thing.

Recently I passed a large milestone: 1 year of consciously eradicating porn from my life. Mostly with great success actually.

Generally I've been proud of myself even if there have been slips on the way. My real life support group continues to be the backbone of my recovery. I still have a long way to go but feel much more comfortable with both my feelings and being able to handle whatever life throws at me. Over the past year, I have lived on my own for 9 months, seen much more of friends and family, restarted some old hobbies, done more physical exercise and spent quite a lot of time in counseling. Porn and fantasy continues to hold a draw for me but the longer I stay away, the less that is. Being mindful and wary is key for me.

My marriage is badly broken and I think I was hiding from that for many years. I am still not sure it can be repaired although my wife and I are still working at it. I realised I placed far too much of my happiness onto her and not in my own hands. Also many of the relationship problems were not really to do with my porn use at all, although it obviously made things worse.

Next year I have a lot planned. The hardest thing for me is standing up and doing what I want for me. Turning these ideas and dreams into reality is my challenge.

It still makes me very sad at how withdrawn I have been over the years and afraid of life. Last week and over the weekend, I was in some social interactions that really highlighted that. I met some lovely real life women where sex was completely off the agenda and could see people participating in normal social interactions without fear and having fun. Atmospheres of openness and acceptance. Most of all, I didn't have to do anything for people to like me, which has been the biggest shock of all. It made me realise that for many years, I have been getting just scraps from my marriage and trying to be happy with that. Only when I see other people and more normal healthy relationships do I see how badly my marriage has been broken, long before my wife had her affair. I am becoming less and less sure that we are able to fix it and my wife is still in a bad emotional state.

So next year is one for me to put myself first, get out and do the activities and life I can do. Really I want those things and to have a stable family with someone but that isn't going to happen anytime soon as it requires bigger change in my life than I am prepared to do right now. Maybe also that opportunity is lost forever to me but there are still many other ways I can have a positive life and I know better now what I do and do not need from my relationship. This still preoccupies me greatly and is part of my disfunction I am working on.

My relationship with sex itself is now a much more complex one. What is acceptable sexual behaviour to me I am getting better at and still working on. I haven't been able to shed all of the shame yet though and the idea if being sexual with another person, let alone my wife, is hugely difficult and loaded with guilt and shame. Leaving it be for some considerable time seems the best way forward. There is lots more to life otherwise.

I am a very sad person now from who I was before. Then I was angry and afraid. There is a certain part of my life force that is gone. I don't know how else to explain it. That is the loss of the marriage really. I am left with the reality that I am truly alone, with nothing to hide me from that truth and all its responsibilities.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi OA, nice to hear from you. I think there are a lot of good things in that post. Even though you may still feel quite low right now, all the things you said in your post point to a change in mindset that will see you much happier in a year or two from now, if not sooner. I won't pick apart everything you said, all I want to say is that you shouldn't give up on having a family. You are still young enough to get there. I was literally nowhere in that sense 5 years ago. I was completely without prospects - as hopeless as it gets with regard to finding somebody and having kids. But for some people it just happens later - because they aren't sorted out till later. I left a lot of things later than I wanted to, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen. I had my daughter when I was 41, nearly 42. She's 2 years old now and she brings me great joy. I have a strong relationship with her mum and I feel very lucky. I have friends who had kids in their mid-late 40's. As men, we have a little more time to work it all out and most women don't mind a man who's a little older. So I'd say it's by no means out of your grasp to find somebody to have a family with. The only question for you is how long you let this current situation continue because it keeps you out of the game. If you know your wife will never want kids with you, I believe you must call time on your marriage so that you both will have the chance to find something that gives you what you want. If you still think there's a chance you might have this with your wife, you need to work towards that consciously with her. If it just floats along without getting closer, it will never get there. I think there's nothing sadder than a life lived with regret, so if you need to change something to get the family/life you want, don't feel guilty for that. You'll be doing the right thing by you and your wife if you make a decision that moves you onto the next phase of your life. I really believe you would find somebody to have a family with without too much trouble if you would only let yourself do it.

Take care,
M.
 

offaxis

Active Member
Thank you malando. I really appreciate that you still read my posts here and have continued to give me support since I first started posting here earlier this year. You are a credit to these forums.

As I have come off the porn and am living with more integrity, those same questions about the future of my marriage keep coming up. In many ways, I have been using the porn to hide from my unhappiness with these things. You're right that I need to allow that into my life, instead of maintaining excuses to keep it out. I am able to dwell much more in reality now. Still counterbalanced against that is the guilt I would feel from leaving and my own personal insecurities. It is not simple. This situation cannot go on forever. My wife is in a bad place but then I realised she always has been for a long time and that I wanted her to be a happy and balanced person for ages. But I cannot control that and in trying to, I have only dragged myself down.

I am still learning a lot about myself.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I get it mate, it's not easy to let go or walk away. I was never good at it myself - I tended to let it drag on too long, but there are times when you just have to do it. My partner was stuck in a marriage with somebody who was aloof, disinterested in sex, didn't want kids. She stayed out of obligation for 7 years. She hoped things would change for a lot of that, then the last 3 years she was just disillusioned about everything. Eventually she had the courage to leave. Within 3 years she had a happy relationship and a daughter. That's what she always wanted. No matter how long she had stayed with her ex husband - it was never going to get her where she wanted to be. She now believes leaving was the best thing she could do for both of them. He's happier now too - even though he protested the change at first.

My point here is that both of you are stuck. You might be doing your wife the biggest favour possible by moving on. She's stuck in a rut. She can't get out of it. Do you not think that you have become an enabler for her now? She is able to fall back on you for support, but doesn't have to make the changes she would otherwise have to make if she was on her own and 100% responsible for her own life. I'm putting it this way because I think guilt is stopping you from making the move you want, so maybe you should consider it from the standpoint of helping her out in her life. You are a crutch for her. She can't develop and progress as long as you are together - that's what I believe. Your relationship is stifling you both in equal measure.

The last thing I'll say about guilt is this: your porn use wasn't that reason she cheated. Don't take the responsibility for her choice to do that. She probably doesn't have the moral conviction that it's wrong. Cheaters always blame others and justify their behaviour - but the reality is, they are ok with what they did because they were driven to it or other such nonsense. You shouldn't find what she did any more acceptable just because you had a porn problem. If she hasn't been on her hands and knees saying, "what I did was disgraceful, I can't believe I did that, I'll never do that again, I'm so sorry", then she's ok with it. And that's not the person you want to be with. I don't believe you'll ever be ok with what she did.

So unless you think you can turn these things around:
-get over her affair
-see her get over her issues
-release yourself of guilt
-convince her to have a family
-feel in love again

What chance do you really have here?

You can't make somebody else happy. People have to sort out their own shit. And if she's blaming you for some of her shit, the best thing you can do for her is leave. The guilt is released, because what must be, must be.
 

offaxis

Active Member
Thank you as always for the thoughts and reflections. It is always interesting to read.

I am feeling a lot calmer in myself. I still have strong thoughts about escalating to see sex workers last night because I feel very lonely and upset. But I am proud I have not acted at all and kept those thoughts out. Instead I started to explore what the consequences would be like for men who've done that, and there are a lot of negative experiences out there and some in ways I hadn't thought of. It was very sobering. I was also able to talk to two of the guys from my group about it which was very helpful and supportive. I feel I am doing quite well and slowly becoming more able to ride out the urges without doing or even thinking much. The urges are getting easier with time.

I did have a wet dream about my wife again the other night. This was really upsetting to me still. I dint know what to make of it or how to avoid it. Masturbation in general is pretty good for me. Maybe once a week or so seems fine and I can be much more present with very little fantasy (if any it tends to be real-world only). That side is coming along better but these wet dreams are like porn dreams still that I cannot block out. It makes me very upset. This is still after one year of no porn with a few slips. It makes me depressed but at the same time more determined to keep going. Mostly actually because I realise from prior mistakes and thoughts of escalation that getting sex/porn is not going to maky life any better - doing that requires a new angle. In fact porn only makes my life much worse. This has become very clear to me over time.

I am still procrastinating a lot and need to do more for myself. Making these plans and taking action is hard. But critical for my fulfillment and well being.

My relationship I have taken the pressure off a bit. My wife and I have actually had some very good conversations the past couple of weeks. Very meaningful without emotional drama. The future direction is less certain for me and I have been able to tell her so very clearly. It is most important that I work on myself and what I want.

 

offaxis

Active Member
The past week or so has been a strange period.

Last week my wife was away and I felt pretty stressed out getting everything ready for Christmas. But I got it all done and had a good time down with my parents and family. I felt much more alive and engaged than in past years. Much more present, which was good.

Before Christmas Eve I felt a strong urge to go out walking in the countryside. Back to places I hadn't been to in at least 20 years. I was inspired by the AllTrails app. So I went and just did it. It was pretty scary to begin with and I didn't feel very confident. But I had a map and my flask of tea, so out I went. I thought it would be good to spend time alone and do something for myself. So I did. But it made me feel very alone and also cheated that I should be out here with my kids and family but I didn't build that. I felt let down by myself in a way.

Also with the Christmas season here last week at work, I ended up out for drinks with work people and generally being more sociable. This was good. Except I ended up talking a lot again with the attractive young woman I used to go out for lunch. I thought it was done and dusted but she was being friendly and bought me a drink (although I said not) and being tactile/in my space. She was talking about really wanting a family and feeling all emotional at the kids people bring into the office over Christmas. I had to leave and made my excuses. Found that really hard as I didn't expect her to be there and just wanted to go out for a few drinks. She is bright and interesting but I also realised some of the reasons I find her attractive are because she has family baggage like my wife and related childhood issues, and the emotional bits around that. Maybe I flatter myself there's some mutuality because of that but I've always found it really hard to believe any woman would find me attractive.

Things with my wife were OK. She was away on holiday all week, so I didn't see her and we only texted. She'd had a nice time away by herself and I found it good to be alone generally.

Then she came back late Boxing Day and found her flat heating and water busted. Being the nice guy I am, I offered her to come round our flat to use the shower. Instead she has come to stay for a few days until the weekend when we can sort the hot water. This has been really hard.

I was feeling good and calm, in control with my family over Christmas. Then on Boxing Day with her coming back, I started to feel stressed again and getting urges to act out.

When she came back, my urges were getting much stronger and I ended up back on chat channels for several hours. This also went on again last night and I felt really out of control with all my recent work going down hill. Although it's not porn, it was all sexual and with real women. Worse, I found one very attractive young local girl and was arranging to meet her. Today I stopped and wiped by phone which I'll leave at work now overnight for a few days at least. It was getting very out of hand and I hadn't felt like that in a very long time (6 months at least). I felt it was a binge out of nowhere. Stopping is really hard. It's been a big step back for me.

I've managed to reach out to my real life friends but it's only helped so far and not completely. Clearly my wife coming back has triggered all this and it makes me really upset again and sad. Once more I am having strong suicidal thoughts which had died off before. I realise I will never be free of this now no matter what I do. I am not using that as an excuse to go back because I definitely cannot do that either. But just to acknowledge that I have a very messed up life and particularly my relationship with sex. I realise now that I am happier in my life alone and don't want to be with my wife. That's the only way I can stay clean and it breaks what is left of my heart.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi OA, sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Especially concerning that you have been having suicidal thoughts. That requires swift action. From what you've described, you are both happier when you're apart. It seems like a no-brainer that you have to let your marriage go. Holding on is damaging you severely. When you start thinking your life should end, that's an emergency and not a state to sit in or mess around with.

I think it's more than your porn addiction that is making you feel this way. It's your general "stuckness". You're not allowed to leave your current relationship, you're not allowed to meet somebody else. You're hyper-vigilent about anyone you meet being similar to your wife (another way of not allowing things to move forward?), when actually most people have some baggage. You're hanging onto ideas that nobody virtuous would ever choose you - so that creates a dichotomy for you: either that person is no good for you, or you believe have deluded yourself that she likes you. The reality is, both are false. Many of these women like you - that's why they are talking to you. It's only you and your limitations that are putting the brakes on these potential relationships.

I suspect you don't even have a big problem with porn anymore - I think that's another thing you use to feel stuck. Your behaviour suggests that you are just lonely, and wanting to be happy. Getting on a chat site is not necessarily about wanting to abuse porn - it's about wanting to chat to somebody. And if you want to chat to an attractive woman, that's not necessarily about porn either - you just want to meet a nice exciting woman. When did that become a crime?! It's not. It's ok to start again. It's ok to find a new partner and start a family. It's ok to want sex too - sex isn't porn. You don't need to feel guilty about moving on and making a life for yourself. Maybe this other woman you had lunch with is a perfect fit for you? But you'd never know it because you forbid yourself the chance to find out. All you have to remember is that in future relationships, porn is out. Focus on your lady. It's that simple. But I think you know that already - if you had such a big problem with porn now, you'd be relapsing. I mean, you are totally miserable and you are still not using porn! Imagine if you were actually happy with a lovely new lady - there's no way you'd want porn. Don't hold yourself back by dwelling on your porn-addiction history. Leave it in the past and go get your future.

I think you want to move on but you just can't let yourself. You're controlled by guilt and regret. If you aren't in active therapy right now, you really should be. Not couple counselling - therapy just for yourself. You need to discuss your feelings and needs with an objective professional and get some perspective on this - especially now that suicidal ideations are part of the mix. You've given your current approach a red hot go - might be time to make some changes, right?
 

offaxis

Active Member
Hey man. Thanks as always for taking the time to read and post your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

It's weird, I see signs of slipping back to the old ways. I haven't been craving porn but human contact, which ironically now I have a lot more of than before. At times I see how it's my subconscious attitude that shapes so much. I feel down or not getting what I want, fail to see the good things I do get and then that ramps up my anxiety and wanting to leap back to my old habits.

Incidentally I ended up looking not for porn but just hook up postings and get the same seeking/searching behaviour and dopamine rush. This time it made me feel really empty and odd. Like what is wrong with me and I managed to stop. It's strange that consciously now I realised I don't want it. I was getting very stressed out with my wife coming back and so ran off to my old habits. I wasn't even masturbating. Last night, I just did some meditation and gave myself a hug instead. I really enjoyed that and it made me smile within.

I think before I was thinking somehow I can "go without" and still that leads to more deprivation thinking which doesn't help. I'm starting to see instead what a great freedom I have given myself.

I have coped on my own for a year without my wife and without porn, you're right - that's a major achievement and means actually I can cope with life itself really and whatever gets thrown at me. I can handle it.

Things have gotten better with my wife too. I'm still not sure what the future is but I am a lot less anxious about it because I will be OK. I think a lot of the problems were ones I made for myself. I have a lot to be thankful for.

You're right that it's my attitude of clinging on that does the most damage. Letting go of so many things feels great and a huge release. I am still seeing my therapist which is good, I had a couple of weeks off over the Christmas period but now am back at it.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I'm glad to head that you aren't thinking suicidal thoughts anymore! That's a really good sign. And it's great that you've reached the conclusion that you know you will be ok whatever happens. That really takes the pressure off the decision and makes it much more likely that you'll make the right one. I know I come across pretty strong a lot of the time, but it's only because I want you to get some happiness after such a long struggle. Whatever form that takes, if you say you're happy, that'll be fine by me. I just hope you don't spend another year in this limbo mode and you actually get some real shift happening where you can move forward and push towards the things that are going to make your life satisfying. If you know you are going to want a family of your own in order to be happy, you need to make the decisions that get you towards that. It doesn't mean it's going to happen in the next couple of months, but you've got to be making decisions that don't block you from that possibility.

You don't appear to have a porn problem anymore - in fact, you've got less of an issue than most of the population because you've been through it, learned your lessons and you won't do it again. That alone makes you a pretty good catch for a future relationship compared to a lot of men out there! If your wife would wake up and start to get real and work out her stuff, and work with you to get to a common goal, and consider a family, I'd be happy for you. I guess I just don't see that as likely given all you've said about her and your relationship.

You've gotta look at it this way: You're late 30's, probably got another 40-50 years left on this planet - you might as well make a move to setting up your future. It's not going to get any easier in the future, may as well do it now. 40-50 years is a long time! I wasted a crapload of my life getting to where I am now. But at some point, around the time I hit 40, I decided "fuck it, I've got to start taking some chances and try to build something with somebody". I was pissing away my life on stuff, waiting for life to happen. It only happens if you let it, and invite it. I hope you will come to see this soon. You're a good guy, you deserve more than you're getting - regardless of what mistakes you've made in the past.
 

offaxis

Active Member
Thanks again Malando.

I've found it hard to avoid slipping back into anger and depression at points which all fuels this. I think in many ways I want to stay stuck because it helps keep the addiction going. Some days it is clear and positive I will make it. Other days less so. And that's when I end up feeling urges.

The last week or so has generally been good for me. I have been able to open up more with my wife and we are rebuilding intimacy. I don't feel so much that walking away is the best option anymore. In some ways I have failed to recognise the efforts she's made. I need more though but find being kind, patient and direct about it gets me the best results. I still feel very hurt over the affair but that only makes me angry and self-pitying which doesn't move things forward. My wife is talking but I need her to open up more. The past weeks we have still been living together again and talking about a future together. But we sleep on separate rooms. I am not happy for anything more than that with her right now, so it is actually ok. I remind myself that I need to deal with this despite being hurt. To be gentle with myself and take the good and bad days as they come.

I have started planning a few trips this year. One probably by myself. Another with my father (who I have never been away with just the two of us, my idea) and another sailing offshore for a few days with a friend of mine. All these I really quite need actually. I am not just looking forward to them because actually I don't have much else. So I need to build them, enjoy and really make the most of it. That is quite exciting actually.

I still do struggle a lot with sex in general. The past few months I have not been drawn to porn but have an issue with chat channels still and interaction. Although these are mostly crap. I don't feel I have entirely shifted it. Last week I didn't feel sexual at all. But still every couple of weeks something will trigger me and when it does it is still not often I can ride the trigger through without doing something stupid. The best place I had was not really feeling triggered at all. But it's not possible to always avoid. So I need to work on that still. I do not feel fully healed. Maybe it will still take a lot of time.
 
Top