This is my first post here. I'm in my 50's, with a wife, a kid and a job. I've used porn on and off since college, but with real intensity only in the last 15 years or so. I once went a year or so with no fapping, but that's the best I have to show for myself so far. I'm at six days, I think, right now. I'm hoping this forum will help me because my addiction's strongest defense is the compartment it builds: When I'm not looking at porn, it's like I completely forget that that is something I do. I hope that coming here regularly will make it more difficult for my need for porn to put me on automatic pilot.
Breaking the compartment
- Thread starter Philonous
- Start date
WiP
Member
Welcome Glad you are here. It's an awesome thing we are just a bunch of guys who are sick and tired of living a less than satisfactory life due to an addiction to PMO and the baggage that entails. We are all one bad day away from being where we were when we got here. We draw on the strength of others when we need to and give strength when we can. Together we can do this.
savingmysoul
Active Member
Hello Philonous,
This is a great first step - i too am 45, married to an incredible amazing woman, and have two great kids. There are many of us here who share your struggles, and are fighting to get there lives back. It isn't easy at times, and will definately get better with time. Make sure you have positive activities planned to keep yourself occupied during the times when you would PMO. Diverting all that energy to positive pursuits does help, as I see you are experiencing.
Stay strong my friend, welcome to the nation.
find your strength, and walk with me as we get through this.
This is a great first step - i too am 45, married to an incredible amazing woman, and have two great kids. There are many of us here who share your struggles, and are fighting to get there lives back. It isn't easy at times, and will definately get better with time. Make sure you have positive activities planned to keep yourself occupied during the times when you would PMO. Diverting all that energy to positive pursuits does help, as I see you are experiencing.
Stay strong my friend, welcome to the nation.
find your strength, and walk with me as we get through this.
Thank you, Savingmysoul. I definitely have activities planned to distract me from needing porn. The problem is that porn is on the computer, and so is most of my job. Luckily I do a lot of my work at home, so I'm not tempted to use my work computer for porn, but still, I worry I'll relapse when porn is so close. I installed the K9 blocker that YBOP recommends (and it's messing up my non-porn internet use). I hope that's enough.
savingmysoul
Active Member
You can always stay near your wife when working on your computer at home.
savingmysoul
Active Member
Hey Philonous,
Yes, it is a reset - but you are not starting from scratch. Take what happened, and learn from it. You will be stronger starting again than you were when you first started this journey. You can continue to rebuild and move forward.
You should remember those emotions that led you to your relapse. Feel them. The next time they creep up on you you can be better prepared to deal with them and most importantly get past them. In time, those emotions will wane, and so will the struggle.
Stay strong my friend, keep moving forward.
SMS
Yes, it is a reset - but you are not starting from scratch. Take what happened, and learn from it. You will be stronger starting again than you were when you first started this journey. You can continue to rebuild and move forward.
You should remember those emotions that led you to your relapse. Feel them. The next time they creep up on you you can be better prepared to deal with them and most importantly get past them. In time, those emotions will wane, and so will the struggle.
Stay strong my friend, keep moving forward.
SMS
maledictis
Member
Hi Philo just relapsed too. I pmoed. And im not giving up giving up either. I didnt really feel any desire. I think i was enering that flat time everyone mentions but i chikened out was feeling too bad... Thanks for posting your relapse.
savingmysoul
Active Member
Philonous,
Remember this is a process - a process of healing, but also realigning with activities that are positive and benefit others. Can you find some activities that you and your wife can share? For me i am learning to cook with my wife - we cook together, i make some meals - and all that effort has a positive affect as it is an activity that benefits others.
Can you tell me, does your wife know? did she catch you? If she knows, how does she feel - are you alone in your reboot or is she working to support you?
This process is going to take time, and committment - relapses may happen and you will need to recognize your trigger situations and be prepared to deal with them to successfully navigate your way around them. Once you find that you have conquered the next temptation you will be that much stronger for the next one.
Hang in there,
SMS
Remember this is a process - a process of healing, but also realigning with activities that are positive and benefit others. Can you find some activities that you and your wife can share? For me i am learning to cook with my wife - we cook together, i make some meals - and all that effort has a positive affect as it is an activity that benefits others.
Can you tell me, does your wife know? did she catch you? If she knows, how does she feel - are you alone in your reboot or is she working to support you?
This process is going to take time, and committment - relapses may happen and you will need to recognize your trigger situations and be prepared to deal with them to successfully navigate your way around them. Once you find that you have conquered the next temptation you will be that much stronger for the next one.
Hang in there,
SMS
SMS,
I'm embarrassed to say that my wife does not know. I think, actually, she'd be pretty supportive. But we're having troubles right now in other areas, and I'm frankly just afraid to risk it. She and I (and our daughter) do things together all the time, though I think not as much as my wife would like. She'd also like to be out more without the child.
I'm as committed to this as a person can be. Combined with my other mental health issues (depression) I just get very frustrated when I relapse, as I did a few days ago.
I'm embarrassed to say that my wife does not know. I think, actually, she'd be pretty supportive. But we're having troubles right now in other areas, and I'm frankly just afraid to risk it. She and I (and our daughter) do things together all the time, though I think not as much as my wife would like. She'd also like to be out more without the child.
I'm as committed to this as a person can be. Combined with my other mental health issues (depression) I just get very frustrated when I relapse, as I did a few days ago.
savingmysoul
Active Member
hey Philonous,
My wife caught me. This wasnt the first time. She told me once the bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie. Even after she caught me, it took me several months to be completely honest with her. I would lie to protect myself and my ego. For all the damage and pain i caused my wife by continuing to lie for four months after DDay, she is still there struggling to support me and find a way to save our marriage. Her support, seeing her suffer, and all that has had a very strong influence in my success of being free from P & M since DDay - and continues to fuel my committment. But at the end of the day, i can only be successful if i do this for myself.
You and you alone have to make the decision as to whether you can confide in your wife. One of the issues i continue to deal with is that i couldnt see my own way out. I continued to make choices that would devestate my wife, my family. I would only suggest that you think about talking to her. In the end you will have to decide how to handle.
That being said, you have to believe you can get through this - whatever you decide - yes it is tough, yes it can suck - BUT you can do this. This is a long path to walk - there will be twists and turns that will be difficult, but you can also find success - small ones that will build into larger ones. It truley is one step at a time, day 2 cannot come without a day 1.
We are all here to help, we are all here to be successful.
Hange tough - talk to you soon.
My wife caught me. This wasnt the first time. She told me once the bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie. Even after she caught me, it took me several months to be completely honest with her. I would lie to protect myself and my ego. For all the damage and pain i caused my wife by continuing to lie for four months after DDay, she is still there struggling to support me and find a way to save our marriage. Her support, seeing her suffer, and all that has had a very strong influence in my success of being free from P & M since DDay - and continues to fuel my committment. But at the end of the day, i can only be successful if i do this for myself.
You and you alone have to make the decision as to whether you can confide in your wife. One of the issues i continue to deal with is that i couldnt see my own way out. I continued to make choices that would devestate my wife, my family. I would only suggest that you think about talking to her. In the end you will have to decide how to handle.
That being said, you have to believe you can get through this - whatever you decide - yes it is tough, yes it can suck - BUT you can do this. This is a long path to walk - there will be twists and turns that will be difficult, but you can also find success - small ones that will build into larger ones. It truley is one step at a time, day 2 cannot come without a day 1.
We are all here to help, we are all here to be successful.
Hange tough - talk to you soon.
savingmysoul
Active Member
Hey Philonous,
Just checking in to see where you are with the process.
I hope all is still on track, and you are making progress. I would be interested to hear where you are and how you are feeling -
We are all hear for you, and together we can all succeed.
SMS
Just checking in to see where you are with the process.
I hope all is still on track, and you are making progress. I would be interested to hear where you are and how you are feeling -
We are all hear for you, and together we can all succeed.
SMS
Thanks for the check-in, SMS. I hope you've been well. I've been away for vacation with my family since last weekend. Just got in at 2:30 am this morning! It's pretty easy to stay away from porn when you're not near a computer. Also when you're with your family 24/7.
I don't disagree at all with what you say about honesty. I won't consider myself to be really making progress until I not only stop looking at porn but also can talk about it honestly with my wife, who I love dearly. I'm just not there yet.
But she and I are having problems, and this is weighing on me so much that most of the time I hardly remember that I've also got to deal with the porn addiction.
I don't disagree at all with what you say about honesty. I won't consider myself to be really making progress until I not only stop looking at porn but also can talk about it honestly with my wife, who I love dearly. I'm just not there yet.
But she and I are having problems, and this is weighing on me so much that most of the time I hardly remember that I've also got to deal with the porn addiction.
savingmysoul
Active Member
Glad to hear you are doing well -
Vacations are a great way to get away from a lot of issues. Hope everything went as planned, and perhaps you and your wife were able to reconnect on several levels.
You will know when the time is right to talk to your wife. In the meantime i hope you can find your strength to stay committed to no P & no M. Don't underestimate the addiction - but i am hoping things went well enough on your vacation that by staying present with your family you have moved a little farther from it.
Let me know how things are going.
Stay strong.
Vacations are a great way to get away from a lot of issues. Hope everything went as planned, and perhaps you and your wife were able to reconnect on several levels.
You will know when the time is right to talk to your wife. In the meantime i hope you can find your strength to stay committed to no P & no M. Don't underestimate the addiction - but i am hoping things went well enough on your vacation that by staying present with your family you have moved a little farther from it.
Let me know how things are going.
Stay strong.
I'm hanging in there right now. One positive development is that in the last few days my sex life with my wife has improved. I've never been sure how much my sexual 'performance' is connected to porn, but I know that for a lot of men it is very strongly connected, and I don't think I'm different from everyone else. So it encourages me that things are going pretty well on that front.
OldHornyGuy
Active Member
If you haven't already, check out http://www.reuniting.info/. Lots of great information on ways to use sexuality to connect and bond rather than just have orgasms. Some of the ideas there have been extremely useful to me.
savingmysoul
Active Member
glad to hear things are improving - it is always good to be able to have positive takeaways.
Sounds like you are staying strong in your committment as well -closing in on three weeks!
Please keep in mind that this type of recovery may not be linear, it can vary in its ups and downs over the long haul - it can be tough to stay positive. I have experienced this myself - have good stretches, and then bang! nothing. Have to keep committed and moving forward. Remenber what you want most is not worth what you want today...
OldHornyGuy is right, the reuniting site is very helpful in helping to develop/redevelop the intamacy with your spouse.
Stay strong.
Sounds like you are staying strong in your committment as well -closing in on three weeks!
Please keep in mind that this type of recovery may not be linear, it can vary in its ups and downs over the long haul - it can be tough to stay positive. I have experienced this myself - have good stretches, and then bang! nothing. Have to keep committed and moving forward. Remenber what you want most is not worth what you want today...
OldHornyGuy is right, the reuniting site is very helpful in helping to develop/redevelop the intamacy with your spouse.
Stay strong.