You're in a really tough place and I can feel your struggle. That conflict and internal battle is something we all share. Even if you're some way down the recovery path.
For me, coping has been fighting things on two fronts.
Firstly, there is the practical side. That means staying away from your computer and opportunities as much as possible, getting more out in the real world and building your life, engaging in non-sex activities. This is critical. Put blockers on your computer, get an accountability buddy, join a real life support group. This might all seem like a big effort and a lot of work but you are up against the Beast here. And the Beast is much bigger than he first appears. Don't fight him alone and you need to use all aspects of your life and strength against it. Most people go wrong here because they underestimate and kid themselves. If you're feeling the pull, then although it may feel like something kind of manageable, really that's an 800 pound gorilla tugging at you. You need to go in armed to the teeth, man. I'm Neo vs The Matrix.
Secondly, this then gives you some breathing space away from porn to really start asking deeper questions and get to the root of this problem. Like what's so special about sex anyway? Why did I get hooked on sex instead of drugs? What do I get from compulsively using porn? What do I really feel (it may not be pleasant at all)?
If you don't have some basic coping strategies in place to start with though (first part) then it's harder to answer the second part. Because you still have a lot of brain fog and for me at least, the answers to deeper questions were very depressing and scary and probably would have driven me hard back into using porn again to cope. It's a vicious cycle. You need the proper life coping mechanisms to move off the porn, and by developing those you will move off the porn. It is self-fulfilling.
A Stone Soup. Look it up.
I can empathise strongly with your feeling of urgency. You want to be free of this now, I know. To wake up tomorrow and have it gone. But we all know life doesn't work like that. It's frustrating. Just like you can't take a pill and wake up tomorrow as a rock star or somebody else, the same is true with this. There isn't a single thing you can just change or go and do.
It's the journey that will get you out. You can't just leap to the end, as much as you want to. That's kind of what the porn does, right? Bam. Rush. Everything is good for a moment. But it's not really because you're going nowhere, you're not on the journey you're just pretending you're at the end. Once you can see that in yourself then you're ready to begin the journey.
Peace brother - you're doing good just even being on here, I want to praise you for that. It's an important step to the self love you deserve and need.
