Malando - getting started.

[malando]

Hey you guys,

I know I've been AWOL for a while. For some reason I felt I couldn't visit my journal for a while. I think it's because i haven't been feeling quite as strong lately, and because I was feeling disappointed that some key people were not visiting my journal anymore.

But that has to stop now. A lot of you guys have graciously stopped in to wish me well and give me support. That is what I should be focussed on. What I should be grateful for.

So thank-you to all of you who have thought of me and offered your support. It means a lot to me.

I'll address you all separately:

Stede: You're quite right, it's never a waste of time if it keeps you on the straight and narrow. I've felt weakened of late, so I need to make sure I don't fall into a relapse. At some stage I will move on, but I still have a long way to go. Thanks for your thoughts.

Recovery Junkie: Hi mate, hope you are doing well! Yes, my partner and I are back on track again. We are communicating better and not overreacting to each other's less stellar moments. It feels good to have our stability back. I'm pleased that our trouble patch didn't make me go searching for any "outside" stimulation. We've had some brilliant intimate moments recently. More passionate than ever.

Branch: Yes, I think I did feel like visiting my journal was a chore for a while. I felt I was offering little and not helping anyone. But a journal is only as good as the effort you put into it. I was probably getting lazy.

TK: Yeah, I did go through some heavy stuff with my partner - nothing to do with sexual things or P. Just some things came up that we both didn't handle too well. We were right out of our groove and tension was high. It took us a while to settle and miss what we usually have. Eventually the freeze thawed and we started talking and relating again. Slowly the intimacy came back - and it's been very nice since then. For me, relationship struggles make me feel worse than anything else. I hate the tension and lack of warmth. It feels very threatening to me - some baggage caused by a childhood with a mother who regularly threatened to walk out. My security can feel easily threatened at times. I need to learn to separate that experience from my adult experience better.

Balanced: Thank-you for your kind words on what I wrote. It was one of those lightbulb moments that happen once in a while. I think if you string enough lightbulbs together, you eventually get a much brighter view of the world and what's important.

FYG: Thank-you, man! You know, I actually read your journal and your comments a lot. Even though we haven't interacted a lot directly, you are one of the guys I feel like I know because of your contributions. You're like a friend who doesn't know it! 

Branch: Yes, I don't actually plan on leaving for a while yet. I still have a lot to learn, and I want to offer what I can to others who are just starting out, or still struggling. I have my struggles too, at times. I recently almost reset my counter. Even though I didn't technically PMO. I did view some arousing P-subs and later still felt aroused which led to an unscheduled MO. I have never tried to ban MO, but to only do it under strict conditions and not too often. But this incident was a bit too close to the line. I haven't reset my counter, but I thought about it. It did feel like I had polluted my clean mind somewhat. It was a wake-up call: don't get complacent.


I hope I didn't miss anybody. Thanks again for sticking around and giving me a boost. I'll try to return the favour where I can.

Cheers,
M.

 

[TK-421]

Keep going, Malando. You are doing great after a few false starts. If I'm not mistaken, you are at a record with your current streak, no?  There will always be ups and downs, but if we can learn from the guys who have completed there reboot, the pull gets to be less after the 90 days. Give your brain a chance to reset before you read too much into the "down" or "weak" feeling.

TK-421

 

[Stede Bonnet]

During my Reboot, towards the end of it, I noticed I had less to say.  I'm not sure what causes this, maybe its progress, a feeling of less urgency perhaps.  Maybe its the mark that you've gained the edge over porn and your struggling less...  I remember I just no longer felt burdened and it became harder to relate in some ways to the guys still struggling.  Its like you've wrestled this thing so long, resisting with all your mite and suddenly you realize its lighter than it was before, the size has decreased and its hard to summon the enthusiasm you once had because the fight feels won.  Maybe I'm just rambling or being non-sensical, but I can relate to how you feel.  Stay vigilant though, distractions and old neural pathways still exist and if you allow yourself to mentally wander you can make a wrong turn in the dark.  The upside is even in those moments now where I may start to go the wrong way, I quickly notice whats happening and correct myself.

 

[Branch]

Malando,

I commend your great progress away from p and into becoming a better man.  Your transformation motivates me.

Branch

 

[balanced]

We're here for you, for each other. But what's more important is that we realize and fully appreciate the power we have within ourselves to create the better person we want to become. To become that better person requires self-examination accompanied by self-love. Our support for you is helpful, your support of yourself is essential. Rely on your own abilities to examine, understand, and change, and we will be there to encourage you along the way.

 

[fyg]

Even though we haven't interacted a lot directly, you are one of the guys I feel like I know because of your contributions. You're like a friend who doesn't know it! 

Hey friend, now we know! You're doing tremendously, as everybody is telling you. Keep going man! It's really good and helpful for me to be seeing you DO THIS! I'll be with you soon!

I'll quickly add that any negative thoughts (not saying you'll have them ) about your process... bring them here, to be annihilated by the RN Lazer Cannons! - which you know, of course. What you said the other day (just read) of whether to post or not, is a fine line. I understand what you were saying. Anyways... That's done and dusted now, by the looks of things

PS. Today had an urge... action = *shut laptop, chill in sun in garden, return 10 mins later, sweet*

 

[Georgos]

Hi Malando, hope you are still on target. My psychosis has come to an end. Look forward to hearing from you.

 

[Nineveh40]

Hey you guys,

I know I've been AWOL for a while. For some reason I felt I couldn't visit my journal for a while. I think it's because i haven't been feeling quite as strong lately, and because I was feeling disappointed that some key people were not visiting my journal anymore.

But that has to stop now. A lot of you guys have graciously stopped in to wish me well and give me support. That is what I should be focussed on. What I should be grateful for.

So thank-you to all of you who have thought of me and offered your support. It means a lot to me.

I'll address you all separately:

Stede: You're quite right, it's never a waste of time if it keeps you on the straight and narrow. I've felt weakened of late, so I need to make sure I don't fall into a relapse. At some stage I will move on, but I still have a long way to go. Thanks for your thoughts.

Recovery Junkie: Hi mate, hope you are doing well! Yes, my partner and I are back on track again. We are communicating better and not overreacting to each other's less stellar moments. It feels good to have our stability back. I'm pleased that our trouble patch didn't make me go searching for any "outside" stimulation. We've had some brilliant intimate moments recently. More passionate than ever.

Branch: Yes, I think I did feel like visiting my journal was a chore for a while. I felt I was offering little and not helping anyone. But a journal is only as good as the effort you put into it. I was probably getting lazy.

TK: Yeah, I did go through some heavy stuff with my partner - nothing to do with sexual things or P. Just some things came up that we both didn't handle too well. We were right out of our groove and tension was high. It took us a while to settle and miss what we usually have. Eventually the freeze thawed and we started talking and relating again. Slowly the intimacy came back - and it's been very nice since then. For me, relationship struggles make me feel worse than anything else. I hate the tension and lack of warmth. It feels very threatening to me - some baggage caused by a childhood with a mother who regularly threatened to walk out. My security can feel easily threatened at times. I need to learn to separate that experience from my adult experience better.

Balanced: Thank-you for your kind words on what I wrote. It was one of those lightbulb moments that happen once in a while. I think if you string enough lightbulbs together, you eventually get a much brighter view of the world and what's important.

FYG: Thank-you, man! You know, I actually read your journal and your comments a lot. Even though we haven't interacted a lot directly, you are one of the guys I feel like I know because of your contributions. You're like a friend who doesn't know it! 

Branch: Yes, I don't actually plan on leaving for a while yet. I still have a lot to learn, and I want to offer what I can to others who are just starting out, or still struggling. I have my struggles too, at times. I recently almost reset my counter. Even though I didn't technically PMO. I did view some arousing P-subs and later still felt aroused which led to an unscheduled MO. I have never tried to ban MO, but to only do it under strict conditions and not too often. But this incident was a bit too close to the line. I haven't reset my counter, but I thought about it. It did feel like I had polluted my clean mind somewhat. It was a wake-up call: don't get complacent.


I hope I didn't miss anybody. Thanks again for sticking around and giving me a boost. I'll try to return the favour where I can.

Cheers,
M.

This was always one of my favorite journals and a good friend, I hope he's doing ok.

 

[malando]

This was always one of my favorite journals and a good friend, I hope he's doing ok.

Hi Chip, old pal! I'm doing ok. Porn is not part of my life anymore - although that's not to say I don't still have issues with having a past that was totally over-sexualised. You might recall that when I went to China in their summer, I was heavily plagued by sexualised thoughts with all the slim beautiful women dressed in revealing clothing. This lead to a crisis for me in terms of my clarity and purpose with my reboot and resulted in me restarting my counter.

Now it's summer in my country and of course the scantily clad women are out in force again. It's hard still. I wish we didn't live in a world that was so sex focussed. I wish me were all more modest in our attire and focussed on deeper values. When I look around at how people dress, the mass media, the social media, the advertising - it's hardly much different to the porn I have given up. We live in a hyper sexualised world. I wonder if porn being so available and losing its taboo has infiltrated our wider world now. Are we incapable as a society of getting out of this tailspin. It's frustrating because it means so many more young people are being lured in with no understanding of what this will do to their futures. And for the people who managed to quit - they face constant temptations and reminders of something that they just want to leave behind. It feels like the world is still saying, "this is ok, everybody's doing it". It clouds the issue for addicts. I guess it's comparable to how much alcohol is around and many people alcoholics have to learn to filter that out. The difference being that porn addicts still have relationships to maintain and they will still have sex lives so sex is not something that can be eliminated from one's life equation - it just has to be reframed and repurposed and linked with a steely discipline that it's not to be messed with by the cheap temptations of porn.

I saw that you've had some new challenges, N40. I'll pop over to your thread some time today and visit you there.

 

[Nineveh40]

Very well put.  I wasn't sure you'd respond since your journal went quiet in September. I confess I dropped the ball and recognized I was starting to fall back into old habits so I came back to get refreshed and refocused. I've n trying to setup a counter but the app is having technical difficulties making "new" counters. Be well look forward to touching base again. It's funny you picked me right out, but I thought you might. Lol.

 

[metal22]

Malando,  I totally agree about things being over sexualized.  I have noticed something recently in the off and on times I work as an electrician.  I know the "trades" have a reputation for being dirty minded,  but I definitely feel like the younger the guy,  the more sex talk he has.  Whether it be sort of "gay slams" ( kinda like high-school locker room crap) or talking about hitting up strip clubs or whatever.  At first (pre reboot) I felt like it was just younger dudes think about it more,  but I'm coming to wonder if it's a result of society's push towards over-sexualization.  I mean the over 50 crowd electricians joke and talk about it way less.
I feel like I give the impression of "prude" or "religious" when I don't engage in that behavior.  I don't really care,  but it does feel like people just don't understand that being a normal human that doesn't engage in constant sex chatter is actually normal.