Malando - getting started.

[blinker12]

Sounds like you're doing great overall, Malando. I do think it's really helpful to have a partner during this, don't you?

Watching sex with my partner improve -- even by baby steps -- helps keep me motivated and on course. It also gives me a chance for release without needing to PMO.

 

[Chip]

Feeling super horny today, but not to watch porn or M. I'm really craving my partner's body and to be close to her. I think that's a good sign. I'm hoping we get a chance to have some fun tonight. I resolve not to think about any other girl or image while we are together. I want to be totally hers.

Hang in the Mal.  We can beat this.

 

[malando]

Feeling super horny today, but not to watch porn or M. I'm really craving my partner's body and to be close to her. I think that's a good sign. I'm hoping we get a chance to have some fun tonight. I resolve not to think about any other girl or image while we are together. I want to be totally hers.

Hang in the Mal.  We can beat this.

Hi Chip, yes I can already see the benefits of this reboot thing. I have decided not to go full hardmode because my partner and I want to keep enjoying our sex life. We had sex tonight for the first time since I swore off P. It was really different and interesting. I felt much more present in the experience than I have since we were in our early stages together. I felt close to her, bonded, attracted, in love. It was really great actually. It felt physically different. I was more sensitive, maybe not quite as hard as before. I think the fantasies I was using to stay "charged up" were stronger than normal sensations, so I guess that makes sense. But the increased sensitivity and increased personal connection more than made up for it. I'm definitely convinced that I am doing the right thing by swearing off P. I was 99% in the moment with her the whole time. There were a couple of instances where I could feel some external thoughts trying to intrude but I squashed them down and brought myself back into the present moment. I'm glad I was able to do that without too much effort because I have decided that it's terribly disrespectful for me to use my partner as a physical body to pleasure myself with while I imagine other girls.

Thanks for the support!

 

[malando]

Sounds like you're doing great overall, Malando. I do think it's really helpful to have a partner during this, don't you?

Watching sex with my partner improve -- even by baby steps -- helps keep me motivated and on course. It also gives me a chance for release without needing to PMO.

Hey blinker - it's funny I just replied in your thread just before I saw that you had posted in mine. Synchronicity!

Yes, I actually agree that having a partner is a good thing during this reboot. It gives me something to strive for - a better relationship and experience with my partner. I don't want to become a non-sexual being - even for 90 days. What I want is to be a better sexual being. I think the things I've learned here on the forum are guiding me towards this. And I am very driven to respect her more by not fantasising about every girl I can imagine while I use her like a piece of meat. I won't do that anymore. I want to get my kicks from being with her and enjoying what we have together. Seems to be working so far. Had a really nice night with her tonight. Felt very different - almost strangely different to what I'm used to. But definitely good.

I think rewiring by focussing on my partner will be the best way for me to get through this. I'm glad you are finding the same thing with your BF.

Cheers.

 

[Chip]

Hi Chip, yes I can already see the benefits of this reboot thing. I have decided not to go full hardmode because my partner and I want to keep enjoying our sex life. We had sex tonight for the first time since I swore off P. It was really different and interesting. I felt much more present in the experience than I have since we were in our early stages together. I felt close to her, bonded, attracted, in love. It was really great actually. It felt physically different. I was more sensitive, maybe not quite as hard as before. I think the fantasies I was using to stay "charged up" were stronger than normal sensations, so I guess that makes sense. But the increased sensitivity and increased personal connection more than made up for it. I'm definitely convinced that I am doing the right thing by swearing off P. I was 99% in the moment with her the whole time. There were a couple of instances where I could feel some external thoughts trying to intrude but I squashed them down and brought myself back into the present moment. I'm glad I was able to do that without too much effort because I have decided that it's terribly disrespectful for me to use my partner as a physical body to pleasure myself with while I imagine other girls.

Thanks for the support!

Very commendable.  I know what you mean about thoughts trying to sneak in, its not cool.  I try and imagine how I would feel if my spouse told me she was imagining someone else during our most intimate times, that hurts...  Stay strong and focused, I got your back.

 

[tiredofthe struggle]

I am secretely working on recovery also and in a relationship with a view to protecting that elationship and stopping hurt and i will win. Personally i have chose not to masturbate as it involves fantasy, however i cant see how stopping sex with your partner can have any adverse effect! The problem is after all addiction to fantasy, electronic, easily accesible stimulation which numbs you to real life sex and intamacy! Its the real life stimulation that is normal and healthy so surely its a good thing to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with your partner if possible?

Keep it real but avoid artificial stimulation i beleive is the way forward

good luck

 

[malando]

I am secretely working on recovery also and in a relationship with a view to protecting that elationship and stopping hurt and i will win. Personally i have chose not to masturbate as it involves fantasy, however i cant see how stopping sex with your partner can have any adverse effect! The problem is after all addiction to fantasy, electronic, easily accesible stimulation which numbs you to real life sex and intamacy! Its the real life stimulation that is normal and healthy so surely its a good thing to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with your partner if possible?

Keep it real but avoid artificial stimulation i beleive is the way forward

good luck

Hi TOS, yes i agree that keeping life as normal as possible is good if it can be done. I don't have any real trouble functioning with my partner - but I have had troubles with DE, which I put down to using P. I would use porn fantasies to get to O with my partner. I'm now trying to replace these porn fantasies with being present and enjoying my partner's body and her reactions. We've only had sex twice since I started my reboot, and I did relapse one time in between. It actually went very well those two times and I did notice a big change in the experience in terms of being connected and happy.

I think what's unnerving is not having that reaction that I get to P - effortless rock hard erections. I have MO'd a few times over the past 3 weeks, and I did only think of my partner in realistic situations, and I didn't experience a desire to relapse or chaser effect etc. I just wasn't as hard as I used to be with P. I miss that feeling in my body, but at the same time, I know they were the product of something unhealthy and unsustainable. If I stayed on that path, eventually I won't get hard to anything.

Even right now, I crave that feeling of arousal from P. Part of me really wants to click on it and feel that surge of excitement, but I know I'll regret it if I do. I've got to dig deep and stay strong. The counter is really important for me right now. I know I would be so upset with myself if I had to reset my counter to 0 after nearly getting to 3 weeks.

 

[Leon]

Hi, malando. Thanks for visiting my journal.

Stay focused on this thought: you are naturally healthy and at peace, porn or porn-addiction is not who you are. Ignore the urges, no need to fight and struggle (white knuckling), simply let the urge pass, as it will naturally if we don't engage it for good or bad.

You got this.

 

[TK-421]

Keep up the good work Malando. I can relate to a lot of what you've said in your journal.  You seem to be doing a great job in commenting on the progress of other people too.

 

[malando]

Keep up the good work Malando. I can relate to a lot of what you've said in your journal.  You seem to be doing a great job in commenting on the progress of other people too.

Thanks mate! I do take an interest in what others are up to because I'm still learning about this beast and I figure anyone we can help is helping us too. We're like a hidden minority in the world - this is the only kind of place we can talk about something that would pour shame on us anywhere else. This place keeps me clean (or at least much cleaner!).

We are at a similar stage, I think. It's inspiring to see the guys who are keeping their counters ticking over. Makes me want to keep mine ticking over too - though I do get tempted on a regular basis.

Cheers.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

We're like a hidden minority in the world - this is the only kind of place we can talk about something that would pour shame on us anywhere else.

I just heard a good comment from Terry Crews about shame and guilt:  Guilt lets us know that we did something bad.  Shame tells us that we are bad.  Guilt is good; shame is not.

But, you are right.  People around us try to bring us shame.  We have to acknowledge the guilt and determine a way to not repeat it again.  In here we can admit our guilt and, with the support of other guilty persons, we can determine a means to not do that action again.

 

[malando]

We're like a hidden minority in the world - this is the only kind of place we can talk about something that would pour shame on us anywhere else.

I just heard a good comment from Terry Crews about shame and guilt:  Guilt lets us know that we did something bad.  Shame tells us that we are bad.  Guilt is good; shame is not.

But, you are right.  People around us try to bring us shame.  We have to acknowledge the guilt and determine a way to not repeat it again.  In here we can admit our guilt and, with the support of other guilty persons, we can determine a means to not do that action again.

Thank-you Erasmus, very well said.

I don't particularly need to talk to anyone in the real world because we have this place. There is more than enough support and advice here, the rest is up ro me. And I'm very motivated to quit. The weakest I get now is fantasising about my partner. But she always knew i did that. I feel tempted to go porn surfing sometimes - there's no doubt my brain misses the effortless stimulation. But that withdrawal feeling is what i have to go through to pay back my brain for what I took from it.

 

[Boo]

But that withdrawal feeling is what i have to go through to pay back my brain for what I took from it.

This is good. Honest and true to what we simply must go through to get better.

I've been edified by a lot of what you've had to say around the journals.

 

[malando]

But that withdrawal feeling is what i have to go through to pay back my brain for what I took from it.

This is good. Honest and true to what we simply must go through to get better.

I've been edified by a lot of what you've had to say around the journals.

Thank-you Boo. The feeling is mutual. There is a lot of support and knowledge here - people just have to come and use it. 

 

[malando]

I'm realising that there's a lot of anxiety component in PMO behaviour. Sometimes the urge is strong even when there is no physical urge at all. It's a desire to have an urge - as perverse as that sounds. I'm used to medicating my day with the pleasurable feeling of PMO. It was pretty much a nightly treat after a long stressful day. The only time I wouldn't do it was when I thought I might get lucky the next day with my gf. I would try to resist to make that experience better - but sometimes not even then, since I've never really had a full blown ED problem, I could take that risk. Little did I realise that it wasn't all about erections - it was about the quality of the experience itself that I was missing out on. I was putting an invisible wall up that stopped me from really appreciating the woman that was wanting to be intimate with me. It really is very disrespectful now that I look back at it. This behaviour wasn't present the whole time in our relationship - the first year, like most couples, it's so new and electric, you don't need fantasies. Then as things become more familiar, a porn addict will need the additional stimulation to get the job done.

Even though it's been very hard, I feel a lot better about myself since I gave up P. It's liberating. Now the challenge is to stay away from MO. The good thing is I have a hot date planned with my partner this Saturday, so I just have to hold out till then. Yes, I know it sounds strange having to plan a "date", but we have a 2 year old daughter and busy schedules! It's a relief to plan it, actually. Takes away some of the uncertainty and anxiety which can cause MO.

 

[BlueSun]

Sometimes the urge is strong even when there is no physical urge at all. It's a desire to have an urge - as perverse as that sounds. I'm used to medicating my day with the pleasurable feeling of PMO. It was pretty much a nightly treat after a long stressful day.

Malando, I just finished telling my accountability buddy about exactly this.  On the way home today I felt a craving, but it was like I was craving to feel horny so that I could have a reason to fap. Or something screwed up like that. I was doing mostly good all day then this empty feeling deep in my groin.  And then I found myself wanting it to get stirred up.  So messed up.

It passed after I kept myself focused on this coming weekends fun plans. Maybe lasted around 10 minutes. Now I'm just sore like blueballs, but things are pretty offline down there so it's not even that. Every day is an adventure in rebootsville!!!

So that feeling was I think the "heading home need to destress" ritual I used to do. Tonight I'm posting instead. The craving has passed, the soreness is just plain weird, but the strange feeling in my stomach is anxiety. I used to think that's what horny felt like.  But you called it.  Anxiety true and true.  Feeling it even now, for sometimes admitting these things that used to be secrets leaves me feeling raw, soul achey, tired.  And I used to drown it out with a fap.

 

[malando]

Sometimes the urge is strong even when there is no physical urge at all. It's a desire to have an urge - as perverse as that sounds. I'm used to medicating my day with the pleasurable feeling of PMO. It was pretty much a nightly treat after a long stressful day.

Malando, I just finished telling my accountability buddy about exactly this.  On the way home today I felt a craving, but it was like I was craving to feel horny so that I could have a reason to fap. Or something screwed up like that. I was doing mostly good all day then this empty feeling deep in my groin.  And then I found myself wanting it to get stirred up.  So messed up.

It passed after I kept myself focused on this coming weekends fun plans. Maybe lasted around 10 minutes. Now I'm just sore like blueballs, but things are pretty offline down there so it's not even that. Every day is an adventure in rebootsville!!!

So that feeling was I think the "heading home need to destress" ritual I used to do. Tonight I'm posting instead. The craving has passed, the soreness is just plain weird, but the strange feeling in my stomach is anxiety. I used to think that's what horny felt like.  But you called it.  Anxiety true and true.  Feeling it even now, for sometimes admitting these things that used to be secrets leaves me feeling raw, soul achey, tired.  And I used to drown it out with a fap.

Yeah BSun, now that I look back at my behaviour I feel like a total idiot. I was so unaware of what I was doing because I had done it so long and never questioned it. In fact, I think having started at a very immature age, it becomes a built in behaviour that escapes questioning, whereas a habit you pick up when you are older and wiser is more on your radar. I've had a long history with anxiety and it's caused me to do a few addictive and destructive things. I'm trying to let go of all of them along with P. It's unpleasant at times, but necessary. I'm really starting to perceive the discomfort as payback from my brain for years of taking it for granted.

 

[Chip]

Malando, Bluesun;

I think I know this feeling you mentioned of, "Wanting a feeling".  Could this be whats referred to as, "Flat-line" or at least a component of it?  I've experienced this in the past and on occasion it led to a lapse/relapse as I became fearful things had ceased to work, so I tested...  Do not be tricked into testing, like I did a while back.  I believe our brains deprived of their Dopamine swimming party will eventually get use to normal levels and these cravings for a craving will diminish.  I tell you what the further I get from the porn the more laser like focus I have for my spouse, Woo-Hoo!

 

[Boo]

Malando, Bluesun;

I think I know this feeling you mentioned of, "Wanting a feeling".  Could this be whats referred to as, "Flat-line" or at least a component of it?  I've experienced this in the past and on occasion it led to a lapse/relapse as I became fearful things had ceased to work, so I tested...  Do not be tricked into testing, like I did a while back.  I believe our brains deprived of their Dopamine swimming party will eventually get use to normal levels and these cravings for a craving will diminish.  I tell you what the further I get from the porn the more laser like focus I have for my spouse, Woo-Hoo!

[size=24pt]THIS   [/size]

 

[malando]

I tell you what the further I get from the porn the more laser like focus I have for my spouse, Woo-Hoo!

Oh yeah, I've noticed that already! I'm often salivating at the thought of touching her now. I always desired to touch her, but I'm not sure it was always her as a person because my mind was full of fantasies. Now that I'm staying right away from fantasies, I'm finding her much more exciting than I used to. It's great, and a sign that I'm doing the right thing. There was definitely an expiry date on my old lifestyle. I'm glad I'm changing it before I became impotent.