We're Here to Support Each Other- Right?

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Leon

Guest
I'm not going to call this person out by username (but they're upwards of 40, lol...) but they literally have as their signature:

"I don't trust anyone without a counter."

Seriously? Really? Obviously I don't have a counter as my signature (did that when I went through my 90 days), but I suspect that this person has myself in mind as there was a disagreement over methodology.

I actually do have a counter too, which I have for myself to set or reset as needed.

To me, it's no big deal. I post this only to say, "Hey, man- we're here to support each other!"- it's not about my method's better than your method, or whatever. Not all people are comfortable to have a counter, I know what it's like to be ambivalent about having a counter, especially after a lapse. It's easy to have a counter if you're constantly having great streaks- but given a fall, it's very difficult to reset, and the whole RN world knows about it. I've been there, done that...

But this post isn't about a counter versus no counter, but can we be supportive of others whose methods and approaches may not be traditional, or may not reflect what we're doing? Maybe there's a difference of philosophies about recovery or various models of addiction? Who cares, right???

We're all here for one purpose (hopefully), and that is to recover ourselves from this insidious addiction, and to be supportive of each other in the process. Anything that does not go to strengthening our fellow man (or woman) in their reboot should not be tolerated.


Leon.



 
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William

Guest
Yes, the only reason this place exists is so that people can find support here.  The whole counter thing is a culture inside a culture.  I went clean, and stayed clean, for over a year before I put on a counter.  I did not do it because I was counting.  Back when I was quitting, I did count, but I counted months, not days.  So, back then, when I hit another month I announced it, but had no counter.  Later, I put on the counter, but not for me.  It was to show newbies it could be done.  Recent events here have caused me to remove the counter because it is, for me, irrelevant.  I am never going back.  The counter started as a joke.  It started on Reddit Nofap, where people could say, hey, look at me, I am X days into a X day challenge.  It was before people understood this as an addictive habit, and before they were learning that the only way to beat it, was to quit it, to quit counting, and make the days irrelevant.  If the counter helps anyone, great, but the counter does not help me any longer.  You can't count forever.  I am sorry if there was a disagreement over methodology.  All anyone has to do is look at your stats to know you have had success with your method.

Pax

 

jkkk

Well-Known Member
I guess I saw those words too and thought that I never felt that the counter is so important.

I recently put a big post in my journal on why I decided to reset my counter. So I'm still having mine. I feel it serves a purpose for me still. That said, I think there will come a time, maybe soon, where I will take it down.

There is another thought in your post that I think is the MOST important: yes, we're here to help and support each other. This place is only about this. It a magnificent place. I must honestly say that I cannot point in my mind to a situation in which I would come across someone who would not have that approach. Yes, we are all different, but I feel everyone helps as they can. Sometimes it's not the best way ;) Like in real world, we can find people with whom we have a better rapport, similar situations etc. This is, I believe, great.
 
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Leon

Guest
William said:
Yes, the only reason this place exists is so that people can find support here.  The whole counter thing is a culture inside a culture.  I went clean, and stayed clean, for over a year before I put on a counter.  I did not do it because I was counting.  Back when I was quitting, I did count, but I counted months, not days.  So, back then, when I hit another month I announced it, but had no counter.  Later, I put on the counter, but not for me.  It was to show newbies it could be done.  Recent events here have caused me to remove the counter because it is, for me, irrelevant.  I am never going back.  The counter started as a joke.  It started on Reddit Nofap, where people could say, hey, look at me, I am X days into a X day challenge.  It was before people understood this as an addictive habit, and before they were learning that the only way to beat it, was to quit it, to quit counting, and make the days irrelevant.  If the counter helps anyone, great, but the counter does not help me any longer.  You can't count forever.  I am sorry if there was a disagreement over methodology.  All anyone has to do is look at your stats to know you have had success with your method.

Pax

Excellent, William. That's another good point is that people 'count the days' differently, as you- counting the months away from that crap. Or, there's a not counting days at all. The counter can be a reminder of the whole thing, when we're wanting rather to put it all out of our mind.

After a while, the counter becomes irrelevant. It still serves me as a kind of hard-indicator of whether I'm being true to myself, or not. But, I view them as training wheels of a sort. Also folk aren't always straight with their counter, like, they may barely pull out of a situation, and go ahead and not reset. If that helps them to get back on track, great- but the counter doesn't really keep track of where our heart is toward this thing in a given moment.

Thanks for your comments, brother. 
 
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Leon

Guest
jkkk said:
I guess I saw those words too and thought that I never felt that the counter is so important.

I recently put a big post in my journal on why I decided to reset my counter. So I'm still having mine. I feel it serves a purpose for me still. That said, I think there will come a time, maybe soon, where I will take it down.

There is another thought in your post that I think is the MOST important: yes, we're here to help and support each other. This place is only about this. It a magnificent place. I must honestly say that I cannot point in my mind to a situation in which I would come across someone who would not have that approach. Yes, we are all different, but I feel everyone helps as they can. Sometimes it's not the best way ;) Like in real world, we can find people with whom we have a better rapport, similar situations etc. This is, I believe, great.

Indeed, jkkk.

You capture the intent of my post, and that its not about counter or no counter, but rather- if someone's approach to recovery from this is different, do we support them anyway? Or, do we make a point out of their differences, and maybe even shame them, kick them when they're down?

No doubt we're each different, and maybe might not like each other in the real world. But we should have all one common denominator here, which the purpose of this website exists for, and that is the desire to heal our brains (and other related equipment) from porn / masturbation addiction.

Be well.
 

TK-421

Active Member
I agree with what's been said, but also think the counters serve a purpose. For those of us that are new here and doing the 90 day reboot I think we need to keep track. The whole idea is to get clean for 90 days. I agree that after that it's not so important and the goal is to be "quit". I also took inspiration from reading the posts of guys that had hundreds of days in and could see them as an example that it is possible to quit porn.  In the early days I think the counter is for the guy who is quitting and after that his counter is more for the newbies that are following in his path.

Also agree that one of the main purposes of the forum is to support one another.
 

offaxis

Active Member
If a counter helps you, great. If not, great.

I keep an MO counter on here to help me regulate alongside my journal. That's a tool for me and noone else.

I did a reboot without an online record or counters. In the real world, I kept a journal but mentally marked off weeks of progress rather than days. Mostly this was about keeping my focus out in the real world doing real things instead if spending my days thinking about not doing something.

The best way to not do one thing is to fill your time doing something else.

Again in my real life support group, it's more about being accountable and honest. Whether you are choosing total abstinence or not. If you go back to looking at P or substitutes then say you did to yourself and others. Also it helps greatly to define exactly and specifically what sexual behaviour is acceptable to you.

It's good and positive to come on here and get support about what to do or how you are feeling. Thst is great and really useful. But keep in mind also that you are the one who needs to make the change in your life and do things differently. Nobody else can do that for you.

For me, unlike TK-421, my goal is to stay clean for life. Not only of porn. I've realised I also have unhealthy mental fantasy too about real women. Frankly, lust is my main problem. So, my attitudes greatly needed to change. When I had my head so deep in porn, I didn't realise how truly warped and out of perspective I had become. Society and the media is also highly sexualised and normalises this.

The reality is you're all doing good just being on here and putting in that effort. I guess for every guy on here wanting to better himself there are a dozen others not even wanting help. I was one of those for so many years.

Peace.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
offaxis said:
The reality is you're all doing good just being on here and putting in that effort. I guess for every guy on here wanting to better himself there are a dozen others not even wanting help. I was one of those for so many years.

Hey, I was one of those who didn't even believe P addiction was even a thing! I thought it was all very harmless and just part of life. It wasn't until I randomly read an article on porn addiction that I got curious and started to look around more. Once I found YBOP and read about 3 pages, it was alarmingly clear that I was one of those addicted/affected people. It didn't take me long to realise I needed to change. That was literally only a month ago. It's amazing what a shift your consciousness can take in a month.

I like my counter - it works for me. I like seeing the number get bigger and bigger (better than thinking about bigger and bigger PMOs!) I find it informative for reading what others are going for too, but mostly it's for myself. I don't want to have to reset, it's a constant reminder of how far I've come and how much further I want to go. But each to their own. The main thing is we should be supportive of each other's efforts - not telling each other in a dogmatic or preaching manner what is right or wrong. This place is super important to a lot of us. Let's all try to make sure it stays that way!
 

dddddd

New Member
That's true, it is community, where we know each other problems.

I think that really one of hardest part (especially for guys who are longer in this) is fact that in general guys feel embarassed with it, they dont feel like everyone would understand or they fear to tell anyone, because it is like a "man thing", they are afraid that will be judged by "this" because thats the way this world works.

Thats why fidning some understanding is, i guess, even more important than in other addictions. Because for example if you've been a drug addict and tell it someone they would support you and say that you're strong you did it. In our case it is like people would think you're weirdo and they don't know the fight every of guys is dealing in themselves. Locked for years in problem, thats why this community can really help dealing with it.

Knowledge that is isnt really nothing to be embarassed, and it has no impact on Your future if you want to reboot is really helpful and thats what you can learn from community.

Wish you all guys good luck
 

gummianka

Active Member
true words, dddddd.

I have been understood the full impact of this addiction. As the poster above, until recently I thought it was all OK. Also, this one affect life just as bad as many other addictions. Hell, sometimes this is a lot worse. As you say, you can be a heroin addict and still have status, get women, be popular etc. Try coming out as a porn addict and see how "cool"  people think that is.

For better or for worse, this is a lone mans game (pun intended) and with the exception of a minority of close people, forums like this is the only place we can freely be active and open about trying to beat this dysfunction.
 

dddddd

New Member
Ye, exactly gummianka

Similar reflections just show that this is really an issue.

I hate the feeling, when you meet some girl, and they like you etc, they are turned on, and later, boom, a problem. Embarassing, dont know how to act, because everything you do will be bad, feeling that she will tell other people, and they make fun of You, trying making excuses that it is not your day or something, but deep inside you know it is your fucking ed.

Other similar thing i guess is like frustration and regret of wasted time You know. Probably most of guys here think, "damn, i could be so cool if not this shit, ill probably be like a cool guy". So here's what i think, what ive learned, you are cool guy. You are the guy you think you could be. That's exactly You. The other thoughts, where You start to think about yourself as you're pathetic or something, are just the consequence not the root.

So noone of us should blame ourselves because of it. I am acting like i would act if it would be normal for me. You can be yourself even with this problem.

So according to topic community is a place where we can have some relief, and of course everyone of us would like to go on and forget that this problem existed. I know it is possible to be 100% cured coz ive been there, the hardest part for me is dealing with past, but on the other hand it will no matter in my future. But hey we need to be cured,to move on to be the guys we supossed to be or rather we already are but have not access to be ourselves yet.

All you guys fighting are fucking legends,

 
L

Leon

Guest
TK-421 said:
I agree with what's been said, but also think the counters serve a purpose. For those of us that are new here and doing the 90 day reboot I think we need to keep track. The whole idea is to get clean for 90 days. I agree that after that it's not so important and the goal is to be "quit". I also took inspiration from reading the posts of guys that had hundreds of days in and could see them as an example that it is possible to quit porn.  In the early days I think the counter is for the guy who is quitting and after that his counter is more for the newbies that are following in his path.

Also agree that one of the main purposes of the forum is to support one another.

Thank you for your words, TK.

To be honest, early on I would be disappointed if someone didn't have a counter, or there's disappeared. I took instruction from a counter that had a long streak on it- like yourself, telling me this was possible. Also, if someone reset their counter, I wanted to know what happened, what was their thinking when they lapsed.

My counter is in my journal, as I have new system where if I lapse, I create a 40 day probationary period, whereby I take extra care to get myself back on track- after that, I leave the counter going, but don't pay as close attention to it. My overall goal (as I suspect is for many others here) is to just go on living my life free from old habits. 
 
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Leon

Guest
offaxis said:
I keep an MO counter on here to help me regulate alongside my journal. That's a tool for me and noone else.

I did a reboot without an online record or counters. In the real world, I kept a journal but mentally marked off weeks of progress rather than days. Mostly this was about keeping my focus out in the real world doing real things instead if spending my days thinking about not doing something.

The best way to not do one thing is to fill your time doing something else.

That's about where I'm at too, offaxis.

Ultimately, this has to be about our own efforts. Yes, we're supporting others where we can, but this isn't FB, lol...

When I joined it was only for the counters, but then the social network had it's positives, which I enjoy. But we all have our journey out of this thing before us, and if we can support others during it, great.
 
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