Starting Over ? Ad Nauseum


I've started over so many times I've lost count. I've been on an elusive quest for the past 15 years to find some way to remain sober more than a couple of months! Over the years I've attended countless SAA meetings, been to Rehab for a few months, worked the 12-Steps several times, worked with 4 or 5 different sponsors, pursued individual and group therapy, did men's work in several different groups over the years, attended numerous transformational seminars and workshops, went to Peru and did ayahuasca last year and, most recently, did two supervised intense "medicinal" journeys using MDMA and Psilocybin.

Nothing has kept me sober, and so?I realize?I need to create the path that will work for me! I'm hoping that a combination of working the tools of Smart Recovery (smart, starting a meeting in my new home town (I went through the facilitator training a couple of years ago), reaching out to others, journaling, writing and being accountable might work.

I've spent so much time looking outside of myself for a solution and I need to do some serious soul searching to find my way. My downfall has been my deep ambivalence about addiction and recovery. When I want to pursue recovery?like I do right now?I feel strong and purposeful. But, this strength has always been overshadowed by my strong conditioned responses, no doubt, reinforced by decades of porn use! When I'm drawn towards indulgence in porn, I often wonder what happened to my interest in recovery. It really does feel like I'm two people. The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is an apt metaphor!

I realize that there is no magic bullet but I'm hopeful that some combination of the things that I've listed (as well as other things that I've haven't discovered yet) will help me to find a way to remain sober. If my struggle resonates with you I'd love to here what you did to FINALLY break the chains of porn addiction!


Active Member
Hi PF56,

Welcome to RN. You'll find that there is lots of information here and helpful guys that are struggling with many of the same issues.  You're on the right path by starting a journal. 

Like you I have struggled with porn and unhealthy sex for pretty much all of my adult life. I can relate to your high resolve going out the window when under the compulsion to use porn and get off. It helped me a lot to watch Gary Wilson's video that explained the brain chemistry behind porn use. There is also a great thread on here by William called "Hello Gentlemen". I highly recommend checking them both out. For me it made a lot click and finally explained things in a way that made sense to me. It's not easy, but I have made a commitment to stay away from porn and masturbation for 90 days.

Wishing you success.