Making Recovery my #1 Priority

[PF58]

Last night I watched and downloaded porn. I'm a guest in someone's home and that may be part of the reason that I didn't masturbate. This morning I decided that I didn't need to masturbate to orgasm before getting rid of it. I broke the addictive cycle by not following through with my usual ritual! I'm still reeling from that decision but it feels good on some level. The emotions I'm feeling now are sadness, confusion and despair. But there is also a glimmer of hope which I hope to keep nurturing until it is a blaze of glory. I KNOW that one day I will overcome but it has been a long time coming.

Today I begin to re-focus my energy and attention towards music. There are two things which I think can really aid my recovery and music is one of them. Connection is the other. I'm committing to playing the guitar, playing the piano or singing for a minimum of a half an hour a day. I also commit to speaking to at least 5 people a day. I want and need to break the pattern of isolation which has keep me on the not-so-merry-go-round of addiction!

Recently I started getting into Pinterest after I figured out that there was more to it than pics of purses and shoes! I started collecting quotes related to recovery and am thinking that you might find some inspiration here. https://www.pinterest.com/dahveed7/recovery

 

[Anothertry]

Inspiring quote.  And we'll done for breaking the addiction cycle.  That really is significant.  It's so hard not to MO when the P is right there!  (No pun intended, lol).  Throwing it away will sure burn some powerful neural pathways!  Well done!

 

[fyg]

Try to figure out how the slips are happening and take steps to have a stategy in place to deal with that behaviour. For me I have had to be honest about what is included in "porn subs". I'm still working on that. My most recent stumble was caused, in part, by an oversexualized conversation with a friend.  We have to realize that anything that is causing an unnatural dopamine rush is the start back down the familiar road to relapse.

Great advice. I've recognised "oversexualised conversation" as a trigger for me too Yep, we have to be aware of our triggers.

edited

 

[Anothertry]

I just had another thought.  May be helpful may be not - you can obviously only get so much of a sense of someone through a journal.  I notice you set a lot of goals - so much music practice a day, talk to at least 5 people etc. I find myself wondering how much those goals, and how much other aspects of your daily life have a sense of 'must' and 'should behind them?


Now we all need goals, but if  someone is living too much from must and should, that person becomes very tense, because obviously they feel like a failure if they don't achieve something they 'must' achieve. Every moment becomes filled with a sense of urgency: will I succeed or fail?

When life becomes fraught with stress and anxiety like that we want to escape.  And obviously, PMO addicts have their addiction to turn to whenever things get intense.

So -given you like goals so much, I wonder how it would be to set yourself the goal of 30 minuted unstructured time every day, to do whatever feels good in that moment - follow your bliss!  If you can't think of what just feels right, instead of what you 'should' do, just wait for an idea.  Worst case scenario: you'll sit still for 30 minutes.  And if you try this and it makes you feel frustrated or anxious - well maybe you will have learned something about what is driving your addiction?


As I say just a thought - use it if it seems helpful!

 

[fyg]

Perhaps this is an area of recovery to focus on?  Think about all the reasons that occur to you to use.  There are some good reasons after all.  its enjoyable - very enjoyable, even.  It's stress-relieving (temporarily).  Think about the counter arguments to these things - it creates more stress long term, for example, and causes more pain in life than pleasure.  Make sure you really understand what the siren voices that call you to use are saying.  What exact words do they use to persuade you to use?  It is essential to understand these voices, because it is only when we can hear them and still say no that we stay quit.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I think you - we - need to cultivate a mindset that can hold Jekyll and Hyde together.  Only then can we stay quit.  Otherwise when Hyde pops up we just become him. If we've spent time understanding him, planning what to do when he crops up, and even thinking what to do if he wins for a moment, then we can win.

Great advice here man. All of this really resonates for me too...

 

[TK-421]

Kudos for finding your way back here. I encourage you to continue to post in your journal and staying clean.

 

[PF58]

This is a compelling question! On my Top 10 Reasons to Refrain from Indulging in Porn, this is the number one reason. I don't know who I am without this addiction and I want to find out! My indulgence in porn AND my attempts to get away from it have become such an integral part of my personality. I've been mired in this struggle for so long?it's been probably a quarter of a century now. It was in the early 90s that I started finding porn on the Internet, even before the Web went mainstream around '93. Back then it was just pictures since there was little bandwidth on my dial-up modem! Of course, that soon changed, especially once I got a broadband connection. Hard to believe how far we've come where nowadays I can download a hi-res video on my phone.

Because I've spent so long doing this, I know it will not be easy to find recovery and, as I mentioned when I first started posting on RN, I know it has to be My #1 Priority if I'm going to finally make a change. I'm also well aware that I have to Do Something Different. I know if I keep doing the same things I've done, I'm going to get the same results. So, every day must be an inquiry into how I can be more creative and persistent in my recovery.

I'm going through Fortify (fortifyprogram.org) for the second time and that's been helpful to keep me on track. Today the question which as posed to me was:

What tools and resources are you going to lean on during emergencies?

This is how I answered that question:

? I can look at the inspiring recovery quotes I've collected on Pinterest (http://tinyurl.com/hsb5rzh)
? I can look at my 10 Great Reasons to Refrain from Indulging in Porn (http://tinyurl.com/jrlymp8)
? I can get away from electronic media and the Web and get outside
? I can write in one of my journals
? I can choose some other visual stimulus such as a book or a TV program
? I can pause for a few minutes and just be with my feelings

 

[PF58]

It would be convenient to say that I don't choose to indulge in porn, that I am powerless over it, that I can't help myself. This is what they will tell you if you go to a 12-Step meeting like SAA or SLAA but I don't believe it. In fact, I think that this is a dangerous belief as it absolves you of any responsibility. AA and other 12-Step programs would have you believe that only with the help of a Higher Power can you find sobriety. But there are plenty of people who recovery without a 12-Step program or any program at all. Take, for example, veterans that were abusing drugs during the war who have no trouble letting it go when they get home. We're not talking marijuana but hardcore drugs like heroin. How is that possible?

It has to do with context. When some drug abusing veterans returned home, welcomed back into loving families, and away from the everyday stresses of battle, the impetus or drive to use was gone. Of course, there are those unfortunates, suffering from PTSD, that came home to broken families. It's not surprising that they continued abusing drugs but my point is that a change of context or a new frame of reference can be a powerful tool in the fight against porn addiction. I think what we need to do is something similar?to create a new context or frame-of-reference.

Perhaps a first step in this process is to imagine who we would be without our porn addiction! So, as an exercise, I'm going to take a stab at it right here and now...

Who I Would Be Without Porn in My Life

I would be living on purpose! Drifting through life, not sure what I want to do or who I want to be hasn't served me. Having goals that I'm excited about and working towards would increase my self-esteem and day-to-day enthusiasm for life!

My sexual satisfaction would come primarily from healthy relationships! This doesn't mean that I wouldn't every masturbate to take care of my sexual needs but if I do it without porn then that is a healthy relationship with myself! Getting my sexual needs met in a healthy way means doing it in a relationship where honest, openness and respect are the defining factors of the relationship. Whether the relationship is short-term or long-term is inconsequential. Even a one-night-stand can conform to those standards of behavior.

My day-to-day experience would be guided by mindfulness and compassion. Indulging in porn is a mindless activity, which is why we often turn to it when we're stressed out and our minds are overloaded. Mindfulness and compassion, in this context, suggest a proactive outlook, an awareness of when I'm at more risk to indulge in porn. Self compassion?another term for unconditional self acceptance?is so very important. It's the opposite of the judging, critical mind which is so insidious and which undermines our recovery in so many ways!

These are just a few of the ways which I can deliberately choose recovery and take care of myself. This is a topic worth exploring further!

 

[Gabriel1960]

I'm also attending SMART.  It helps me a lot with this.

 

[Anothertry]

Keep on fighting the good fight PF56!

Like the paolo Coehlo quote.  I also really relate to your question 'who would I be without this?'.  Scary, isn't it?  But, also exciting - I really want to know who I will be!

I was interested in what you said about the veterans too.  I was wondering if you have seen Johann Hari's TED talk about addiction?  He talks about that, and also we pump people with broken legs full of high grade opiates without them becoming addicted.

He argues addiction isn't about 'chemical hooks' but about disconnected people looking for something to connect to.

And that is what the people returning from Vietnam who stayed off heroin had wasn't it - families, workplaces, communities to connect to.

Perhaps a good question for those of us really struggling to break free of this addiction then is - how deeply and warmly are we connected to the community around us?  And is there anything we can do to increase those connections?

Here's a link to the TED talk, if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ99YUPkMrg

All the best on this journey!

AT.

 

[PF58]

I'm getting close to finishing Fortify (fortifyprogram.org) which has been a big help in keeping me motivated. It just prompted me to refine my Battle Plan and this is what I came up with:

Everyday
Meditate for a half an hour
Read something related to recovery (i.e., spiritual book(s), recovery literature, YBOP, RN posts, my recovery journal)
Review Goals and refine as necessary

Everyweek
Write in journals, refine goals, post online
Exercise at gym, walk, hike, bike, swim, etc.
Connect with friends or family and make an effort to make new friends
Watch something on TV that uplifts me (e.g., TED Talks, Documentaries, inspiring interviews)
Work towards my goals, recovery related as well as other short and long-term goals
Accountabilty with accountability partner and close friends who are aware of this issue

 

[PF58]

In my last post I mentioned Accountability and this is an important part of my recovery program that is missing! So, I thought I'd reach out here to anyone who my posts might have resonated with. One caveat?I have more of an affinity for Buddhism than Christianity so if you're into Jesus or the 12-Steps it probably wouldn't be a good match.

You needn't be into Buddhism, however. The approach that I'm most interested in is one that's evidence and science based where the focus is on self-empowerment rather than powerlessness. I envision checking in at least once a week by phone and possibly texting over the course of the week. And, of course, if it doesn't work out after a few weeks, no hard feelings!

 

[PF58]

Hey PF,
I'm sorry to hear about your recent struggles. What you are describing is the insanity of addiction. When thinking rationally, recovery seems like the only rational option. When under the compulsion of addiction, everything else goes out the window - it just doesn't matter. After using, the addict is left confused and wondering what the hell happened to him. Where was the resolve? It doesn't really matter what the addition is - porn, alcohol, cocaine, gambling - the cycle of addiction is the same.

My advice would be to focus solely on getting ahead of the addictive cycle. Recognize that you are an addict and commit to whatever you need to do to break out of using. Recognize that your only priority is to NOT USE. Having a great journal on here or setting up a recovery group are admirable, but maybe ask yourself if they are distracting from your primary purpose (maybe they aren't, I just ask the question). Try to figure out how the slips are happening and take steps to have a stategy in place to deal with that behaviour.

I think you have a good point here! It's a rational approach to recovery and that appeals to me. I particularly like that phrase, "getting ahead of the addictive cycle." That suggests being proactive and taking preventive action. This is why I think the Three Circles exercise I mentioned in another post can be so helpful. Thanks for your support!!

 

[PF58]

There are two things which bring me joy which I have been totally neglecting lately and I notice that I have a lot of resistance around both of them. Playing music and singing has brought me a lot of joy but I haven't picketed up my guitar or sung for months. I want to start doing that today. One way that I've motivated myself has been to create a 100 Day Challenge. This entails doing something musical for a half an hour everyday, either playing the piano or guitar, possibly accompanied by singing.

Hey man, I think we are kindred spirits. I haven't been playing guitar/piano or singing either - and it's my no 1 passion! 

Heck - I studied at a prestigious musical university in Europe and actually teach music for a living and I haven't found time for my own musical life for years. It's been swallowed up in all my responsibilities at home. I lost my music room to the 2 new people who now live with me. I really want to reclaim it. I think there's been a midlife crisis element to it too. I'm 43 now, not sure what I do with my music at this age. I used to do gigs all the time and write/record my own stuff. I used to live overseas and music was everything. Now I'm back home, family man, always busy. I wonder how I get that back. My partner doesn't stop me, but she also loves my constant presence, and ultimately I feel guilty when I take time for myself - like I'm making life harder for her or neglecting my little daughter if I take so many hours for myself. But music needs time. I wonder how I get it back without upsetting things on the homefront.

Hey, this is the first time I've even discussed this. I wonder why it took me so long - it took your post to even make me write it. Things out of balance - that's what messes us up...

Thanks for sharing! I'm still struggling to make music a regular part of my life and, unlike you, I don't have the excuse of being too busy. At the moment I'm not working full-time, nor do I have family obligations, so it's hard for me to figure out why I don't play more. I think that it has to do with a certain despondency I feel, especially in early recovery. I've also been neglecting other things which bring me joy such as biking and connecting with people. So, this is an attempt to break that cycle by reaching out to you."

Given your situation, I think there a couple of different strategies that may help. First of all, a conversation with your wife and kids about what you shared here?how important music used to be to you and your desire to get back to it?might really help to carve out that time. The second thought I has is to find creative ways to include your wife and/or kids in making music. You may also want to take some solo time to focus on improving your skills but it doesn't have to be a lot of time. Even 15 minutes a day can help to stay connected to your love of music!

 

[PF58]

You only fail when you stop trying!

Inspiring quote.  And we'll done for breaking the addiction cycle.  That really is significant.  It's so hard not to MO when the P is right there!  (No pun intended, lol).  Throwing it away will sure burn some powerful neural pathways!  Well done!

Thanks for that vote of confidence! Yes, rewiring or breaking those circuits and neural pathways is the way to recovery!!

 

[PF58]

Even though I have only a few days of sobriety, I'm feeling good. I just got off the phone with my accountability partner?a guy I met through Reboot Nation! We've talked a couple of times and I think that it's going to make a difference for both of us!

I also finished the Fortify Program (fortifyprogram.org) which I went through for a second time, filling in all the gaps I missed the first time through. I think it's a great program which I've mentioned several times. One of the cool things about it is that it's free for men between 13-20. Although I didn't qualify to do it for free, I love that the fee I paid is supporting younger men!

After I finished the program today, I made a pledge that I'd like to share. The things that jump out for me are: I Am a True Lover and I Am Real. http://bit.ly/fighterpledge

If you're interested in finding out more about this campaign to fight porn addiction, check out these excellent short videos: http://tinyurl.com/jmtgmo3

 

[PF58]

You've heard  of free will, right?  Well, I bet you haven't heard of "free won't!" I just came across this concept in an excellent book titled: The Little Book of Big Changes. It turns ideas like self-discipline and self-control on their head! Here's a little excerpt from the book explaining the idea of "free won't."

Your higher brain is completely responsible for all of your voluntary movements. Just as the backseat driver can?t apply your foot to the gas, your lower brain can?t make you act on your habit. Even when your habit is a mental one you can hear the [lower brain's] screams and see them for what they are: all talk. You come to see them as loud but powerless, empty threats. They are your imagination run wild.

While we don?t necessarily have any input into the thoughts or commands that appear in our awareness, we do have a say in whether we obey them. Neuroscientists refer to the ability to veto any thought that occurs to us as free won?t. The presence of urges (or any thoughts, for that matter) is not our business?our free will cannot determine what shows up. But the choice to respect or act on those urges is where we do have some say. We have free won?t.

No matter how loud and powerful your urges are, you (via wisdom and your higher brain) make the behavioral choice. It may not feel like you have a choice at times, especially if you haven?t yet fully seen that you are in charge. But the choice is always possible.

I'm off to a good start in 2017. It's a new year and a new beginning. I recognize that there is no inherent magic in the beginning of a new year but it seems like it! I think that there is a cultural zeitgeist around transformation at the start of the year with everyone attempting to make changes. There seems to be a lot of optimism at the beginning of the year which, sadly, wanes by February. But there are always a few outliers who use that initial momentum (along with everyone else) but continue to focus on their transformation long past February and well into the year. And a few of these people even realize their goals and dreams before the year closes out.

It's clear that wishful thinking won't get us there so what makes the difference? Another concept I came across recently is contained in the playful acronym WOOP which stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle and Plan. One of the main differences between this and a lot of positive thinking is that, in addition to creating a concrete plan, it involves some deep thinking about what obstacles may arise and a plan to handle them.

According to Gabriele Oettinger, the creator of this approach, WOOPing is effective because it works on our unconscious by forming ?a link between the desired future and present reality? and ?forging powerful, nonconscious associations between the obstacles we perceive and the instrumental behavior we need to take to overcome the obstacle.?

To learn more about WOOP check out this page: http://wholebeinginstitute.com/woop-it-up/. Or, if you prefer to watch instead of reading, check out this excellent short video: https://youtu.be/eaeE7W0IWnk.

 

[PF58]

Almost up to two weeks! Given my pattern of relapse and recovery, this next week or two is a crucial period. My watchwords going forward are: vigilance and mindfulness. After decades in recovery I'm well aware that there is no magic bullet. My strategy is just to keep trying different things until I find something that works. Doing something different may take a lot of different forms. It may mean doing the same thing at a different time of day or doing it in a slightly different way. It might involve changing the context of a behavior or adopting a new belief or attitude. There are myriad ways to make a change as the following excellent book on change points out! I met Bill recently when I was attending a conference in San Diego and he's got the intellectual chops and proven track record to back up his ideas! He co-developed Solution-Oriented Therapy, a form of Solution focused brief therapy, and has authored or co-authored over 30 books.

Another book I'm reading which I'm really enjoying takes a broad perspective on recovery. It's title says it all: To Be a Man. The premise behind this recommendation is that recovery isn't simply about stopping the behavior but about becoming the man that we've always wanted to be?a man of strength, authenticity, clarity and compassion?not some simplified cardboard cutout of the societal stereotype of a man!

Pornography has become one hell of an epidemic, sucking vast numbers of men into its images and ejaculatory dreams, hooking up mind and genitals in dramas that turn relational connection into a no-man?s-land where sexual arousal and discharge reign supreme. The power that so many men give to pornography?and to what it promises?not only cripples their capacity for real intimacy but also keeps their underlying wounding cut off from the healing it needs. Pornography flattens and emasculates men, obstructing their ability to evolve into a deeper manhood. However, merely condemning pornography is not the solution, any more than being overly tolerant of it is (as if any restriction on things sexual were somehow an infringement on our freedom). We need to outgrow our ?need? for pornography, including using it as a ?solution? to our pain and unresolved wounds.

In their unhealthy forms, shame, power, and sex are at the core of male dysfunction, simultaneously possessing and crippling many men. Shame that crushes and shrinks, power (especially in the form of aggression) that inflates and dominates, sex that compensates and distracts?this unholy triumvirate usurps the throne of self in a great number of men, obstructing them from taking the journey that can restore their integrity, dignity, and capacity for real intimacy.

Excerpt From: Robert Augustus Masters. ?To Be a Man.? Sounds True.

 

[workinprogressUK]

thought-provoking stuff. I definitely buy-in to the "To be a Man" sentiment, although the title doesn't appeal to me personally. What I take from your post is the need to build rounded and fulfilling lives for ourselves in all sorts of different facets; career, family, friends, hobbies, contribution, learning, personal growth etc. Finding the energy to be the person we want to be, and to live our true values. Happy reading!

 

[PF58]

thought-provoking stuff. I definitely buy-in to the "To be a Man" sentiment, although the title doesn't appeal to me personally. What I take from your post is the need to build rounded and fulfilling lives for ourselves in all sorts of different facets; career, family, friends, hobbies, contribution, learning, personal growth etc. Finding the energy to be the person we want to be, and to live our true values. Happy reading!

Yes, exactly! I think our self-definitions (as well as those of society) are too limiting. I suppose that in some ways that this book could have been alternatively titled: To be a Human because I think that?in the ways that really matter?men and women are more alike then they are different. Yet, I think there are real differences and I think that this book addresses them. For instance, although there are women who have a porn addiction, it's an undisputed fact that the vast majority of porn addicts are men. This points to some very real differences, both physiologically (obviously) and psychologically (which is sometimes less obvious). Thanks for your comment and your feedback!