Making Recovery my #1 Priority

[PF58]

I'm feeling tentatively optimistic. On Day 24 now and I'm aware just how quickly I can lose my sobriety. I thought I'd try this tool I came across recently. I think I saw it on NoFap. I took the liberty of downloading the image I found online and then deleting all of the numbers in Photoshop so that I could personalize it using my own handwriting. In the process I created a PDF which I am happy to share with anyone who is interested in doing the same thing.

 

[J01]

How has it been going lately?  Looks like you put out some good stuff in the past postings.  Take care!   

 

[PF58]

In the almost 30 years I've been struggling with Internet Porn, I can't remember having 90 days! With the start of this new year and this new decade, I feel that I am on my way. As always, I remind myself that I have NOT reached that goal yet and, therefore, need to remind myself to remain ever vigilant. I am past the halfway mark now at Day 48. With each passing day my recovery becomes more precious to me! To reach 90 days would be a milestone but I see it as the start of my long-term recovery and not a reason to break out the champagne! While I will notify certain people when I reach that date, I'm not going to have a big celebration. I'll reserve that for the 1 Year mark, a milestone which has seemed beyond my reach for decades! And now, while the goal of 1 Year still seems unbelievably far away, it seems achievable.

I have a new mindset. I no longer hang out in my my middle circle—looking at bikini-clad models for just a hit, justifying this behavior because they are not naked. Whatever stokes the flames of lust and desire is likely to lead to a lapse and then a relapse. I've played out that very scenario time and time again. I want to do it differently! It is time to grow up! To that end, I have to say NO multiple times a day to the thoughts and urges which would take me back to square one. This is what it means to be grown up?to delay our gratification, to do the things we don't feel like doing while keeping in mind our long-term goal!

To help keep me on the path of recovery, I started a 90 Day Recovery Journal. Each day, I focus on encouraging myself with the all of the strategies, tools and techniques I've known to be effective while trying to come up with new ones. In looking for a journal I found a slim brown volume titled Personal Journey. In the center is a portal and through the portal you can see a backlit mountain bathed in a bluish light. After I started writing in it, it dawned on me that it was from the popular 90s computer game, Myst. I never got very far in the game so, in that way, it's a fitting metaphor for my recovery. There are other parallels as well: it was a lonely journey, filled with inscrutable puzzles, demanding focus and perseverance. Even the name of the game: Myst?an alternative spelling of the word "mist" is relevant. For almost three decades I've been enshrouded in the fog of my porn addiction, rarely finding the clarity and motivation to find my way out of the mist and into the clear light of day.

It has been a long time since I've posted because, frankly, I've been lost in my addiction. While I've had a week here and there and have gotten up to a few weeks on several occasions, I've only had over a month once or twice in the last 7 months. I got up to two months once which is a good reminder that I cannot relax my vigilance, even for a day, much less an hour! So, I continue fighting the good fight, knowing that one day I will be victorious, but that day is not here yet!

 

[PF58]

I recently watched this free documentary. If you're still struggling and need some motivation, I recommend checking it out. It's put out by the folks that created the Fortify program which is also worth checking out if you need some help finding your way along the path of recovery.

Check out the film here: https://brainheartworld.org
You can find out more about Fortify here: https://www.joinfortify.com

I went through Fortify's program a few times and found it very helpful! I'm not affiliated with them in any way but I know of no other program like it. I did the online Candeo program years ago, but while that has some religious undertones, Fortify is a science-based program.

 

[fastfreddy]

PF58 -

This is an amazing, insightful series of posts, full of help and really great advice. Thank you for taking the time and effort to share what you've learned and what's helped you during your journey.

I am so grateful that you're sharing your wisdom. It's making a huge difference for me and many others.

Rock on, brother!

 

[PF58]

• 
  
  
  After acting out this pattern for 30 years now, I recognize the true insanity of this addiction. I didn't just come to this conclusion! I've known for much of this time that that this pattern was insane but I felt powerless to stop for any length of time. Now, on reflecting that half of my life has been spent battling this addiction, I would like to change the script. Neither the recognition of the insanity nor the desire to change is new. I've been stuck in this side addiction of recovery, thinking that something "more, better or different" will allow me to break free from this. I recognize the same pattern of thinking in recovery that led me to keep acting out!
  
  So, what is the solution? Well, firsts of all, it is to recognize that there is no ultimate solution! There is not one approach that will work best. There is no silver bullet. It simply starts with the recognition of where I am and the intention of where I want to go. I want to be free of porn?to be free from the compulsive behavior as well as to be free from the addictive desire for it. The reality is that, over the decades of indulging in porn, I've created some deep grooves in my brain, which, in turn, have created some very deep conditioning. From one perspective this is no different from a deeply ingrained habit.
  
  Recently, I started reading Atomic Habits by James Clear. He has an interesting schema for how to create a new habit and, if you flip the script, you have a way to extinguish a bad habit. Creating a new habit involves 4 Steps: (1) Make it obvious, (2) Make it attractive, (3) Make it easy, (4) Make it satisfying. So to Break a Bad Habit, you must:
  
  (1) Make it Invisible
  (2) Make it Unattractive
  (3) Make it Difficult
  (4) Make it Unsatisfying
  
  So, applying this to my porn addiction, I've come up with the following strategies to do just this:
  
  Make it Invisible
  • Stay Out of my Middle Circle (see my earlier post about this)
  • Avoid provocative media, especially triggering movies, TV shows or websites
  • Focus on what I Want (short and long-term goals)
  
  Make it Unattractive
  • Re-Read my 10 Great Reasons to Refrain Every Day (which I've posted about)
  • Think about the inevitable outcome AS SOON AS I get an urge to indulge: disappointment, dissatisfaction, wasted time, etc.
  • Remind myself of what I REALLY WANT and how porn is an obstacle to getting that! (ie. a good relationship)
  
  Make it Difficult
  • Go on a spiritual retreat where I don't have access to the Internet or to my phone or tablet, etc.
  • Get an accountability partner!
  • Fill my time up with positive, life-affirming activities
  
  Make it Unsatisfying
  • Find a goal (or relationship) that is so satisfying that indulging in porn feels like a major distraction
  • Remind myself OFTEN how indulging in porn keeps me from having what I really want
  • Come up with a very unappealing consequence
  
  This is certainly no panacea and I suspect I can improve on all of these ideas. This is just my first take on it. In fact, if you're reading this and you have some other ideas, I'd love to hear them. In the past, I've gotten excited about some new approach to recovery, thinking that this new approach will do the trick. I no longer believe that but, looking at the habitual nature of addiction, I think this could be part of the solution.
  
  The other things I'm doing to make 2021 a Porn Free Year is to meditate every day (which I've been doing for some time now), focusing on spiritual awakening (which, from my point-of-view, goes hand-in-hand with recovery) and doing something everyday to move my recovery forward. I really believe that there is no standing still (at least not for long)! If I'm not moving forward, I will inevitable start sliding backwards! Other things I'm doing include writing in my recovery journal regularly, getting into nature a lot, getting plenty of exercise and reminding myself frequently that all good things come from within!

 

[Phineas 808]

PF58, nice to meet you!

Started reading your journal, and I like the Smart Recovery approach right out of the gate!

Great post here, too, about insanity. I appreciate the saying,

Doing the same thing, but expecting a different result is a form of insanity.

Something like that, lol...

Hope to see more of your posts soon, and will continue reading your journal.

 

[PF58]

Thanks for the feedback Phineas! Congrats on the 64+ days! I used the new year to reboot (a longstanding pattern of using special dates) and so far, so good! I look forward to checking out your posts! What part of the world are you from?

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, PF58!

I'm from the Southwest, U.S.!

Great idea using special dates to launch a fresh recovery effort, recognizing of course that past efforts are by no means 'failures'. But you must know this. I'm very big on symbolism myself, and it's part of my alchemical approach like dates, numbers, colors, etc...(no, I'm not OCD, I promise!),

Look forward to our interaction and mutual support.

 

[workinprogressUK]

I really like those processes you're implementing, PF58. You have a clear and well-defined plan, which can only help makes habit change easier and more likely to last. Lots I could learn from that! More power to you. Wishing you every success.

 

[PF58]

It's been over 6 ½ years since I first posted here! I am not giving up and I will NEVER give up until I am "recovered." What does that look like to me. Well, certainly, it is a factor of time, but that's just part of it. I figure if I can go for a year without indulging in porn, I can claim that I'm—at least—well on my way to full recovery! I've barely been able to go a month since I started using porn in earnest in 1992 (with the popularization of the Internet)! I think I may have hit the 2 month mark on a few occasions but I can't remember ever hitting 3 months. Even 3 months in rehab didn't get me there! After 2 months in a primary care facility (in Cape Town, South Africa), I was moved to their secondary facility and allowed to use my laptop. I relapsed about halfway into my last month.

So, what does full recovery look like? To me it means that I rarely, if ever, have the urge to use and, if I do have the urge, I can easily shrug it off. It also suggests that I am getting my sexual needs met in a healthy way, most likely in the context of a loving, conscious relationship. I've had a few of those in my life but it's been over a decade since I've had one. Whether porn is the main culprit, or I have some other issues I need to look at, I'm not sure. What I am sure about is that a conscious, loving relationship is something that I still want, and moving beyond porn can help me get it!

I finally updated my ticker which has been wildly inaccurate for over a couple of years because I haven't visited this site. I think it will be useful for my recovery to keep posting here and I'm looking forward to connecting with a few of you guys. Currently, I don't have an accountability partner and I think that would be useful. If my posts resonate with you and you'd like an accountability partner, please reach out to me!

 

[PF58]

Thank you, PF58!

I'm from the Southwest, U.S.!

Great idea using special dates to launch a fresh recovery effort, recognizing of course that past efforts are by no means 'failures'. But you must know this. I'm very big on symbolism myself, and it's part of my alchemical approach like dates, numbers, colors, etc...(no, I'm not OCD, I promise!),

Look forward to our interaction and mutual support.

Hi Phineas. Thanks for your response. Sorry it's taken my so long to respond to it! How is your recovery going? Or are you recovered?

 

[PF58]

I really like those processes you're implementing, PF58. You have a clear and well-defined plan, which can only help makes habit change easier and more likely to last. Lots I could learn from that! More power to you. Wishing you every success.

Thanks for the vote of confidence! Your name says it all!

 

[PF58]

Very good journal and you seem to be doing really well. I think your post on making the bedm doing the dishes etc is important. At least that is how I work. Perhaps that is also why I am such a fan of cold showers. When I can take the cold water, it is a proof that I can take other discomfort and also start turning them into something I quite like.

Two things that helped me a lot that might work for you, and these two things came as a bit of a surprise to me when i started.

Planning the day is important, but also creating a list I can check. I think that the tiny dopamine kick when I can check a task is good in combating the urge for another kind of D-hit.

Meditation. Heaps of different styles but I find it very, very powerful. Find whatever works for you and start doing it. I am only doing something like 15 - 40 minutes a day, with the longest session 15 minutes, but getting better every day.

Dancing. Good, social fun.

Good luck with all

I'm going through my posts again and wanted to check in and see how things are going for you! Thanks again for your comment. I just read your very first post and liked what I read! I'll be back to read more. Be well!