Today I have decided to change my life. I have been addicted to P for 16 years, and it has changed who I am. I am not the same person I once was, and P has cost me many fulfilling personal relationships and happiness. I used to be outgoing and full of life but now I am self loathing and at times hate myself. Alcohol and drugs enhance my addiction and cause me to do things I would never do when I am sober. I have been acting out my P addiction when I am wasted by visiting sex workers. I am extremely ashamed of myself for this. I need to cut all of this out of my life for any chance of a positive recovery. P has rewired my brain to the point of not knowing myself anymore. I have to stop these things that are harmful in my life if there is any chance for me to love myself and be happy again. I have not looked in the mirror and liked what I saw for a very long time. There are things I like doing and feel good about myself when I am doing them. I need to turn to these things when normally I would turn to P. P and MB is the only way I have ever dealt with depression/anxiety/loneliness which have been a part of my life for a long time now. Also the physical/health effects P and MB'ing has caused me are both embarrassing and worrisome. I have come here because I have no one in my life I am comfortable talking to about this. As I write this today I am extremely depressed and embarrassed about the person I have become. Only a positive change will save my life. I would love any interaction/advice anyone would like to offer and help me through this journey. I will do the same in return to help in any way I can. I will continue making entries and hope that this process is the beginning of a happy new life for me.