Journey to a New Happy Me

lost1634

Member
    Today I have decided to change my life.  I have been addicted to P for 16 years, and it has changed who I am.  I am not the same person I once was, and P has cost me many fulfilling personal relationships and happiness.  I used to be outgoing and full of life but now I am self loathing and at times hate myself.  Alcohol and drugs enhance my addiction and cause me to do things I would never do when I am sober.  I have been acting out my P addiction when I am wasted by visiting sex workers.  I am extremely ashamed of myself for this. I need to cut all of this out of my life for any chance of a positive recovery.  P has rewired my brain to the point of not knowing myself anymore.  I have to stop these things that are harmful in my life if there is any chance for me to love myself and be happy again.  I have not looked in the mirror and liked what I saw for a very long time.  There are things I like doing and feel good about myself when I am doing them.  I need to turn to these things when normally I would turn to P.  P and MB is the only way I have ever dealt with depression/anxiety/loneliness which have been a part of my life for a long time now.  Also the physical/health effects P and MB'ing has caused me are both embarrassing and worrisome.  I have come here because I have no one in my life I am comfortable talking to about this.  As I write this today I am extremely depressed and embarrassed about the person I have become.  Only a positive change will save my life.  I would love any interaction/advice anyone would like to offer and help me through this journey.  I will do the same in return to help in any way I can.  I will continue making entries and hope that this process is the beginning of a happy new life for me. 
 

Marco

Member
Hey Buddy,

good to hear you found the right way and you did the first step.
This journey ist not an easy one and it will have its' ups and downs but it is worth every second. Focus on the positives and stay strong in the bad times.
Doing other activites is very helpful during this time, also starting new hobbies will help you. In my opinion is changing you lifestyle necessary to a successful reboot.

Keep on reading and writing you are not alone.
I wish you strength to overcome this.  ;D
Marco
 

BAIRFU

Member
Hi Lost
I know what you are going through as I have sunk that deep as well.  Miraculously I managed to find a wonderful women and marry her but now I'm afraid of losing her.  I believe all of us can so this.

Try and make lists of things you want to do per day or per week.  Do them,  dont find excuses.  There will be a lot moments  when  you will really not want to do them but do PMO.  these are the moments you need to step back and ask yourself  why you want to PMO.  The  make a choice.  Hopefully  you will always choose to say no but we can't all be perfect.  As long as you start training your brain to saying no to your urges  or the fake comfort PMO offers you are on the right track.

What helps for me is reading up on this matter.  Sports and visualising my career path.  And how not having PMO in my life gives me so much time to build on it.

Hope this helps.  If you want to understand why I can relate to you check my journal here as well.

Cheers,
B
 

lost1634

Member
Thank you both for the encouragement.  I feel that posting here and being able to talk about these issues will certainly help.  I was feeling awful last night before bed and usually in a time when I would PMO, I read a book instead.  I think this will be a strategy I will try and use during the night that may sway my urges.  Also as much as possible during the day when I have down time I am going to try and get out of the house to do some kind of activity, whether it be exercise or just go to the mall to browse around.  One of my worst habits is laying around on the couch and getting on my phone to either look at pics or video of P.  I certainly have to be patient, but I think as more days pass my anxiety will lessen and I will hopefully find better ways to deal with days I have depression and extreme loneliness.  BAIRFU, I will certainly check your journal out and would love to follow the same path as you and find a wonderful girl to share my life with.  I have not been able to admit to myself that I need a partner to make my life happier because I have no confidence someone would be satisfied with me in the state I am in.  PIED is also a huge hindrance for me in this as well.  I have let my fear of not being to perform with a real woman hold me back from entering into what I know would have been wonderful, fulfilling relationships.  I am excited to reform myself and look forward to being active here to help with that process.  I wish you both continued strength and success. 
 

Viffer

Member
Stay strong brother! being more conscious of yourself and more mindful of your thoughts is the way to victory.

Its hard cutting out bad habits from your life, I have recently cut out porn, drinking, drugs from my life and realised I don't have very much to do now! from next week I will be filling my evenings with exercise, reading and writing on here.

I find instead of triggering youtube or facebook posts, I spend my late evenings watching self help videos, anything inspiring to me that motivates me to change, also some of the vids are a bit long winded and boring so they help me get to sleep quicker  :p

Anyone can do this, I haven't felt this strong in years.
 

lost1634

Member
    Just a quick post this evening.  I had a good night at work, even though I am feeling awful with allergies.  I am not feeling anxious and have no desire to PMO tonight.  I am going to watch some TV and head to bed.  I am trying to quickly get over my weekend transgressions.  I got extremely drunk and made some extremely bad choices.  The sad part is right before I made the choices I did, I out loud told myself I am going to regret this tomorrow.  I heard myself say it, knew it was the truth, but ignored my conscience anyways.  That is when I said enough is enough. 
    I also am loving this tracker we can put in our signatures.  I always had the thought to mark days off on a calendar when I would not PMO to see how many days in a row I could accumulate, but I never did.  Seeing this everyday motivates me to not have to reset it.  My worry is after a week, I know I will have a strong desire to relapse, but I am trying to prepare for this already.  I am trying to set mind to be steadfast against making the wrong choice.  I am very good at stopping things cold turkey, drugs/alcohol, but have never had that type of success with P.  I am going to be better at it this time around.
 

lost1634

Member
Nightly entry.  I had another good night at work.  Again no desire to PMO tonight.  It has been a little harder in the morning when I wake up, but I have been able to stay strong so far.  Coming here has provided me great comfort, and it has been such a help to release my thoughts and have no one judge me.  I really feel confident that I am going to turn things around.  Just after a couple days into rebooting I feel that this is going to be the best decision I can make.  Triggers are the hardest thing to avoid.  I have watched some TV shows that have some really attractive girls but I just don't let my mind go there.  I feel if I can get through this process through the end of the year, that will be about the time that I really will see the results of rebooting.  My hope in all of this is to remake myself and hopefully find someone to share my life with.  It has been extremely hard being lonely all these years, but I feel the more positive progress I make rebooting, more positive things will happen in my life.
 

lost1634

Member
Certainly a rough start to the day with many urges to watch P or MO, which I don't want to do at all.  I have made it through and will be out of the house soon.  I am looking forward to my days off to get out of the house and recharge.  Staying indoors all the time really puts me in the situation to PMO.  Also I already have the urge to drink during my days off but I need to stay out of the situation that will make me want to do that.  It will be very difficult but I am trying to fight the urge already now before it happens.  I need to go as long as possible without a relapse to really feel like I can do this.  I know a relapse may be inevitable, but if I do it this soon into rebooting I may set myself up to think I can't do it.  Hopefully work goes good and I can come home, relax and read a book to finish off the night in a positive way.  Almost 50% of the way to my goal on my meter.  That makes me feel really good, and I can't wait to see 100% and take this into double digit days and beyond.
 
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