Brand new to this site - starting a journal.
35 yrs old, married for almost 2 yrs, addicted between age 16 and 33, when my wife (girlfriend at this time) saw my internet history. She was devastated. She saw things that freaked her out and disgusted her. I since learned that these "unusual" things that I was looking at e.g. Anal, we're because my brain craved bigger and nastier things for the dopamine to be released, rather than me being into lots of crazy shit.
It was an AWFUL time for us. My wife felt all the things one would expect, and I've never felt guilt like it in my life. To know I'd hurt the most important person in my life so badly was something indescribable.
My wife is amazing..... She went straight into problem solving mode, and before I knew it, she was showing me stuff on yourbrainonporn.com, the Ted talk, etc. She even found a psychologist for me to talk to and we both went to the first meeting together.
That was two years ago and I went cold turkey. No porn and no sex for 3 (I think) months. Proper reboot. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I was so proud of myself. When we finally started having sex again, it was incredible. So sensitive, amazing orgasms.
I lasted about two years. I was masturbating without porn etc (only using imagination and memory) at a normal rate of a couple of times a week.
Then I had a non porn slip up. I met a girl in a bar and ended up sexting her (we didn't kiss or anything). It was exciting and not what I was getting at home. My wife works VERY long hours and has her company on her brain 24/7. I knew this going into the marriage but it didn't worry me as i could see light at the end of the tunnel and a life in the future where she worked less and earned more. Bottom line is she is less available sexually than most other women. However, her original porn discovery obviously made her feel less inclined to open up to me sexually. So, when this sexting was discovered, that brought the porn thing back and then her trust of me was obviously ruined. That was strike number 2.
I quit ALL contact with women that wasn't 100% friendly or professional. I've never cheated and never will, but I definitely had an overly friendly problem..... Genuinely less than flirty... I just enjoy engaging with vivacious women. My wife is vivacious! Of course, with that initial porn discovery and her busy work brain, other random women were "easier" to engage with.
So..... Then a really good period for quite a while. Everything was great, still no porn all this time.... But sex still not what it was like when we were initially dating, pre initial porn discovery. After several months, I cracked. I started using porn again about 2 months ago. I restricted myself to once per day, every two days. Incredibly, I managed to stick to it. Almost as hard as giving up entirely the first time round. Kept this up for 2 months, until my wife discovered it on our iPad Internet history (I'm not very good at hiding this stuff). She called me (I was out) and told me what she'd found. WORST CONVERSATION AND FEELING OF MY LIFE. I'd lied to her, saying only a few days previously that I wasn't using.... I truly believed that I had my every-2nd-day technique under control, and that it would serve as an effective stop gap until we became closer sexually, had more time, etc.
So now my situation is utterly desperate. My marriage is on the line. I've spent most of today on yourbrainonporn.com, have called my old psychologist for an appointment and have left my phone number for a callback from my local SAA group. I've just found this forum and decided to start a journal.
I'm fully aware I'm completely to blame for this situation. My wife went to see her shrink yesterday and I've agreed to go back to her shrink with her this week. Her shrink is female and knows about the original porn discovery and my "recovery". To go in there this week will be excruciating, but I HAVE to do it.
I'm fucking petrified as my wife has already mentioned divorce and that she doesn't think we'll ever recover. After less than two years of marriage to my dream woman, the thought of that makes me almost physically sick. I'm totally to blame and need to fix this ASAP. I'll see my psychologist soon I'm sure and hopefully start a SAA group shortly.
What a fucking mess! Thank you for reading. Any thoughts highly appreciated.
35 yrs old, married for almost 2 yrs, addicted between age 16 and 33, when my wife (girlfriend at this time) saw my internet history. She was devastated. She saw things that freaked her out and disgusted her. I since learned that these "unusual" things that I was looking at e.g. Anal, we're because my brain craved bigger and nastier things for the dopamine to be released, rather than me being into lots of crazy shit.
It was an AWFUL time for us. My wife felt all the things one would expect, and I've never felt guilt like it in my life. To know I'd hurt the most important person in my life so badly was something indescribable.
My wife is amazing..... She went straight into problem solving mode, and before I knew it, she was showing me stuff on yourbrainonporn.com, the Ted talk, etc. She even found a psychologist for me to talk to and we both went to the first meeting together.
That was two years ago and I went cold turkey. No porn and no sex for 3 (I think) months. Proper reboot. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I was so proud of myself. When we finally started having sex again, it was incredible. So sensitive, amazing orgasms.
I lasted about two years. I was masturbating without porn etc (only using imagination and memory) at a normal rate of a couple of times a week.
Then I had a non porn slip up. I met a girl in a bar and ended up sexting her (we didn't kiss or anything). It was exciting and not what I was getting at home. My wife works VERY long hours and has her company on her brain 24/7. I knew this going into the marriage but it didn't worry me as i could see light at the end of the tunnel and a life in the future where she worked less and earned more. Bottom line is she is less available sexually than most other women. However, her original porn discovery obviously made her feel less inclined to open up to me sexually. So, when this sexting was discovered, that brought the porn thing back and then her trust of me was obviously ruined. That was strike number 2.
I quit ALL contact with women that wasn't 100% friendly or professional. I've never cheated and never will, but I definitely had an overly friendly problem..... Genuinely less than flirty... I just enjoy engaging with vivacious women. My wife is vivacious! Of course, with that initial porn discovery and her busy work brain, other random women were "easier" to engage with.
So..... Then a really good period for quite a while. Everything was great, still no porn all this time.... But sex still not what it was like when we were initially dating, pre initial porn discovery. After several months, I cracked. I started using porn again about 2 months ago. I restricted myself to once per day, every two days. Incredibly, I managed to stick to it. Almost as hard as giving up entirely the first time round. Kept this up for 2 months, until my wife discovered it on our iPad Internet history (I'm not very good at hiding this stuff). She called me (I was out) and told me what she'd found. WORST CONVERSATION AND FEELING OF MY LIFE. I'd lied to her, saying only a few days previously that I wasn't using.... I truly believed that I had my every-2nd-day technique under control, and that it would serve as an effective stop gap until we became closer sexually, had more time, etc.
So now my situation is utterly desperate. My marriage is on the line. I've spent most of today on yourbrainonporn.com, have called my old psychologist for an appointment and have left my phone number for a callback from my local SAA group. I've just found this forum and decided to start a journal.
I'm fully aware I'm completely to blame for this situation. My wife went to see her shrink yesterday and I've agreed to go back to her shrink with her this week. Her shrink is female and knows about the original porn discovery and my "recovery". To go in there this week will be excruciating, but I HAVE to do it.
I'm fucking petrified as my wife has already mentioned divorce and that she doesn't think we'll ever recover. After less than two years of marriage to my dream woman, the thought of that makes me almost physically sick. I'm totally to blame and need to fix this ASAP. I'll see my psychologist soon I'm sure and hopefully start a SAA group shortly.
What a fucking mess! Thank you for reading. Any thoughts highly appreciated.
