Cosmo's Journal

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Hi All,

Some of you may know me from YBR. I was there for a short time, just long enough to build some momentum. I hope to keep that momentum going here with your support and also hope that I can return the favor by supporting all of you.

A few days ago, I decided to tell my wife about my recovery. The subject of porn had not come up in conversation since the last incident more than a year ago, when I had accidentally left a browser window with a softcore image open on an Ipad.  My 6-year old daughter, who thankfully remembers nothing of the experience, stumbled on the image by chance, which in turn led to a confrontation with my wife and ended with my feeling ashamed of what a thoughtless and shitty person I was for letting my addiction get so out of hand. Well, you can probably guess what happened next. I tried to stop but couldn't. Promises to myself to stop were broken and then made and broken again, and it continued like that for several months until I finally found the salvation I was looking for on YBOP.

Telling my wife about "my problem" was not easy. There are no scripts to follow. No hard and fast rules. I basically had to admit that I was not able to stop on my own. That I needed help. That I had turned to a community of people struggling with the same problem for answers. I told her that it had nothing to do with her. That it hadn't diminished the love I feel for her or our daughter. That I was tired of sneaking around and didn't want to live with any more secrets.

Things seem more or less normal between us now, but still, I know this can't be easy for her. I know she deserves better, and that is what I'm shooting for.

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out. I'm truly grateful to be here. Be well, everyone!
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Welcome to RN, Cosmo.

It sounds like you did the right thing in telling your wife. You have 44 days free; that's great progress. Just keep on doing what you do. I would recommend reading Breaking the Cycle. It really helped me at this stage in recovery.
 

Viper

Well-Known Member
Telling my wife about "my problem" was not easy.

Never easy for you to tell or for her to accept.
But if there are any women reading this right now who has a man in their life, trust me when I say
it's not you.
I've dated average looking to very desirable women and no matter what, I always turned to my "hobby" when
the time felt right.


That it hadn't diminished the love I feel for her or our daughter. That I was tired of sneaking around and didn't want to live with any more secrets.

Leaving the image on your iPad for young daughter to see was an accident but I'm glad that something was a wake-up
call. You're among peers here who are fighting the same demons.


I've never been married but what you can do is every time you feel the urge to look at some porn, pull out
a pic of your family to remind yourself why you're in this fight. They're worth fighting for.

 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Thanks LTE and Viper. I appreciate your thoughtful responses. Funny how we think something will take the enormous weight off our shoulders but soon discover that the weight is heavier than ever. I do think telling my wife was the right thing to do. What I didn't expect is that I would feel like a complete a-hole afterwards because my wife was, understandably, not pleased with my behavior and lashed out in anger. I guess we rationalize our behavior as harmless when we're in the grips of the disease, but then when we finally admit it to someone else, we are forced to realize just how harmful and twisted it actually is.

I've been in a funk the last couple of days because I'm questioning everything I've ever done. I think about all of the wonderful support I've received from fellow rebooters who are cheering me on and telling me how great I'm doing at this, but inside I do not feel great. I feel like a failure. It doesn't matter how many days I have clean. I have behaved stupidly and immaturely, and I need to allow myself to sit with those feelings because they are real and justified.

Sorry to be such a downer this morning, guys. I'm in a strange place, but maybe this is the place I need to be to truly come to terms with everything I've done.

Have a good day, everyone.
 

Jverhoye

Active Member
Sounds like a tough morning.  I can say that putting yourself out there in a journal will only be helpful.  Know that there are thousands of guys struggling with you, and all of us share the same goal of shedding the grip porn has had on our lives.  My wife has been supportive, and I feel fortunate for that.  It sounds like your wife is too.  Stay strong, Cosmo!
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Whatever happens, Cosmo, keep in mind that you are on the path to recovery, and that's a good thing. PMO never makes things better and you are on the only path that will lead to better times ahead. Your wife will probably get past her anger and appreciate that you are finally dealing with this issue.
 

fcjl8

Active Member
Hi Cosmo,

I , personally am a strong advocate of telling our spouse. I did that early in my first recovery attempt. Is it painless? No, no way. Most things that create character, that bring out the best in us, most tests and challenges have a degree of pain at the beginning. Most men avoid telling their wife for this reason, pain avoidance.

However, it is a major move towards building that true you. That person your wife will come to respect. Most women sense or know something is off with a man who is using PMO or cheating on them. They may not know the details but they don't like that part of their man. You are working to change that flaw... she will love you more for that in the long run. The farther you go on your recovery path the more positive changes will uncover and that will be very strong for your marriage.

I bet you two will have a closer bond than ever with time. Hugs , hand holding, gentle touch that will be an essential part of rebuilding now!

This that I write is all my experience in my relationship with my wife, but should apply to most.
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Day #46. I owe many of you responses, and I aim to get to that later today. In the meantime, I just wanted to check in and say that all is well this morning. I've got a busy day ahead with my family so getting ready for that has to take priority.

I decided to add an MO counter this morning because I relapsed to M recently and wanted to hold myself accountable on that front, not just on the PMO front. While my agenda when I joined YBR and this forum was to distance myself from porn, and I have successfully done that up to now, I've found that the urge to M comes and goes. Giving into it does seem to make the journey harder, so, beginning today, I'm recommitting to a path that includes no P and no M.

Have a good day, everyone.
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Cosmo said:
Day #46. I owe many of you responses, and I aim to get to that later today. In the meantime, I just wanted to check in and say that all is well this morning. I've got a busy day ahead with my family so getting ready for that has to take priority.

I decided to add an MO counter this morning because I relapsed to M recently and wanted to hold myself accountable on that front, not just on the PMO front. While my agenda when I joined this YBR and this forum was to distance myself from porn, and I have successfully done that up to now, I've found that the urge to M comes and goes. Giving into it does seem to make the journey harder, so, beginning today, I'm recommitting to a path that includes no P and no M.

Have a good day, everyone.
I think that is the best, easiest course in the long run.
 

Viper

Well-Known Member
Cosmo said:
Day #46. I owe many of you responses, and I aim to get to that later today. In the meantime, I just wanted to check in and say that all is well this morning. I've got a busy day ahead with my family so getting ready for that has to take priority.

Yup, because recovery is all about recognizing, prioritizing, and discipline

I decided to add an MO counter this morning because I relapsed to M recently and wanted to hold myself accountable on that front, not just on the PMO front.
Keep in mind, that you really don't need a source material to over do the jerkin- Yes, giving up porn is a big step in the right direction but you still need your mind to be in the right place. So that also means that the volume of meat beating has to be diminished as well

Just my opinion, I know the flesh is weak.
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Jverhoye said:
Sounds like a tough morning.  I can say that putting yourself out there in a journal will only be helpful.  Know that there are thousands of guys struggling with you, and all of us share the same goal of shedding the grip porn has had on our lives.  My wife has been supportive, and I feel fortunate for that.  It sounds like your wife is too.  Stay strong, Cosmo!
Thanks for the encouragement, Jverhoye. I can only imagine how many lives have been upended by porn. I do count my blessings that my path has led me here because it truly does feel like a step in the right direction. Indeed, if I hadn't found this community, with so many men committed to this journey with the support of their friends, girlfriends, wives, families, etc., I may never have had the courage to tell my wife!
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
LTE said:
Whatever happens, Cosmo, keep in mind that you are on the path to recovery, and that's a good thing. PMO never makes things better and you are on the only path that will lead to better times ahead. Your wife will probably get past her anger and appreciate that you are finally dealing with this issue.
LTE, I can always count on you to steer my focus back to the straight and narrow path of recovery. And it's always appreciated, my friend.
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
You are working to change that flaw... she will love you more for that in the long run. The farther you go on your recovery path the more positive changes will uncover and that will be very strong for your marriage.

I bet you two will have a closer bond than ever with time. Hugs , hand holding, gentle touch that will be an essential part of rebuilding now!
Fc, I truly do hope that you've bet correctly here. Judging by your relationship with your wife, it's clearly possible to come back from something like this stronger than ever. Thanks for the kind words and support!
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Yup, because recovery is all about recognizing, prioritizing, and discipline
So true, Viper. Now that the fog is lifting, I can see that I prioritized my "hobby" over my family far too many times. Never again.

Keep in mind, that you really don't need a source material to over do the jerkin- Yes, giving up porn is a big step in the right direction but you still need your mind to be in the right place. So that also means that the volume of meat beating has to be diminished as well

Just my opinion, I know the flesh is weak.
Agreed. In my case, M is to be avoided at all costs. It seems to cause more problems than it solves.
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
It's been 49 days since my reboot and only a few days since I came clean to my wife about my P addiction. How do I feel? Well, to be honest, I'm struggling a bit here, folks.  Not with PMO or even MO, thankfully, but with guilt.  I hate myself putting my wife through this. I don't know what I expected, but it flies in the face of many of the accounts I've read that making such an admission would somehow lead to a deeper bond. Does it? Because it doesn't feel that way now. As I see it, by admitting to my wife that I've been fantasizing about other women sexually since we've been married, I've done a pretty bang up job of pushing her away. And I don't blame her for wanting to keep her distance. I did a sucky thing. As she said, extramarital affairs, looking at porn...they're all on the same spectrum. In other words, she equates this with me being unfaithful to her. And, yes, when I look at it from her perspective, I have to admit that it really does seem that way.

The worst part of it is, she doesn't want any part in my recovery. She said she doesn't want to give it any more weight than she has to and refuses to think about, read about, or interact with others about porn addiction. And again, how can I blame her? It's an ugly thing. Why should she? She just wants me to take care of this on my own. Women like SO Reboot Partner and Gracie are truly exceptional women in that they are involved in their partners' recovery, and I really admire what they are doing. But not all women are like that. Perhaps I read too much into other people's stories and thought that everything would go according to a formula. That if one person told their wife about their addiction and all went well, then, hey, maybe that would be my fate, too. Unfortunately, things are never that simple.

On the bright side, I don't think we're headed for divorce. Not yet. But my fear is that I will continue to bring my wife sadness merely by being in her life. That seeing me each day will remind her of my unfaithfulness, and that she will never truly be able to find happiness with me again. At the same time, I worry that being with her each day will fill me with guilt and that I will never truly be free of my past.  I guess I just have to have faith that, if I do my part and stay clean, time will eventually heal all wounds. We'll see.

Thanks for hearing me out. Have a good day, everyone.

 

Jverhoye

Active Member
Heavy stuff, Cosmo.  Just for the record, I ended up living with a friend for 2 mons after my wife "caught me" looking at P.  Everyone definitely has a unique story to tell.  I am not surprised by your wife's reaction.  She's hurting, angry, and probably not sure of how she wants to proceed.  All I can say from experience is, one day at a time.
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Cosmo said:
It's been 49 days since my reboot and only a few days since I came clean to my wife about my P addiction. How do I feel? Well, to be honest, I'm struggling a bit here, folks.  Not with PMO or even MO, thankfully, but with guilt.  I hate myself putting my wife through this. I don't know what I expected, but it flies in the face of many of the accounts I've read that making such an admission would somehow lead to a deeper bond. Does it? Because it doesn't feel that way now. As I see it, by admitting to my wife that I've been fantasizing about other women sexually since we've been married, I've done a pretty bang up job of pushing her away. And I don't blame her for wanting to keep her distance. I did a sucky thing. As she said, extramarital affairs, looking at porn...they're all on the same spectrum. In other words, she equates this with me being unfaithful to her. And, yes, when I look at it from her perspective, I have to admit that it really does seem that way.

The worst part of it is, she doesn't want any part in my recovery. She said she doesn't want to give it any more weight than she has to and refuses to think about, read about, or interact with others about porn addiction. And again, how can I blame her? It's an ugly thing. Why should she? She just wants me to take care of this on my own. Women like SO Reboot Partner and Gracie are truly exceptional women in that they are involved in their partners' recovery, and I really admire what they are doing. But not all women are like that. Perhaps I read too much into other people's stories and thought that everything would go according to a formula. That if one person told their wife about their addiction and all went well, then, hey, maybe that would be my fate, too. Unfortunately, things are never that simple.

On the bright side, I don't think we're headed for divorce. Not yet. But my fear is that I will continue to bring my wife sadness merely by being in her life. That seeing me each day will remind her of my unfaithfulness, and that she will never truly be able to find happiness with me again. At the same time, I worry that being with her each day will fill me with guilt and that I will never truly be free of my past.  I guess I just have to have faith that, if I do my part and stay clean, time will eventually heal all wounds. We'll see.

Thanks for hearing me out. Have a good day, everyone.
Stay on the path to recovery, it will only help. no matter what. If you continue to make progress your wife may come to appreciate the fact and may come around.
 
Hey, Cosmo reading your story and recent post your grievances are not unjustified. A hard time has unfortunately befallen you, but use it to continuing drawing the conclusion that p is a clear enemy to you and us all. The addiction is a tribulation of a new degree, that has no bearing on how good a man you are, so don't take it personally and remain vigilant of it's seditious whispers.

On the wife front, from my view, the problem is only that she loves you too much, that she cares so deeply and alas her feelings were compromised. Even Gracie and SO, I read anyway did feel hurt early on, it's understandable and to some degree very necessary. Your reciprocity in feeling hurt, shows your humanity, and there's nothing wrong with what your feeling. You are no longer emotionally numb and to me have illustrated your regret and it's empowering to read and I pray that she will come to see your pain, as folks like us.

Use it to guide you, not to lead you astray.

Be Well My Friend
 
F

Freethinker

Guest
Hi Cosmo,

I'm going to go against the grain here by saying that I think it was a mistake telling your wife. I gave the same opinion when the subject was mentioned at YBR by a few members. I was definitely not the only one who felt this way. I believe Midge himself said he thought it served no great purpose. ( I hope I remember that correctly, Midge).

You can't "unopen" that Pandora's box now. I really don't know why some guys risk the hurt by telling their wives. I guess it's some sort of guilt that they can't live with. I don't know. I think this PMO addiction is very personal and we, as men, have to fight the good fight against it without involving our spouses.

We all have our "little secrets", even in marriage. If anyone here, including the nice ladies like Gracie or SO Reboot Partner think that marriages should have nothing"unknown", to me that's unrealistic thinking. I'm not trying to offend anyone's sensibilities here. Please, this is just my opinion as someone with a lot of life experience and a successful marriage of over 20 yrs. I KNOW how much my wife and I love each other, whether I struggle with PMO or not. I'm sure my wife has some secrets and mysteries that I don't want to know about. I only care about how she treats me, which is very well.

I don't equate PMO use with a true physical act of being unfaithful. I think people are just so insecure, both users and their SO's, that the equation is made. These admissions by users are rooted in guilt. Some guilt may be necessary to someone to maintain their sanity. I'm no expert. But I know this: I don't live in guilt. I don't let my personal defects and character flaws blind me to the fact that I'm a good husband and prove it to my wife on a daily basis. Cosmo, despite having told her, I suggest you follow the same line of thinking. What else can you do?

I would not involve her in your efforts to overcome PMO addiction. Don't label yourself as someone who needs her help. You don't and you shouldn't need it. I don't know how long you've been married but you probably should know how to be a good husband by now, right? I'm trying to be honest with you here.

Getting tough with this PMO stuff will give you strength and your wife will sense it and be drawn to it. I'm 53 and I know what I'm talking about in this regard. Bottom line for anyone reading this: DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE. In most cases it will do more harm than good.
 
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