Cosmo's Journal

[LetItGoAlready]

One way to look at recovery is to see it as a matter of taking control of our lives and retaining that control, no matter what. There are things you cannot control such as meteors crashing through the ceiling and killing you instantly. But many things are under your control, porn and masturbation being a couple of examples. Control belongs to you in many things; don't allow someone or something to take control away from you.

Well said, LTE. Good or bad, we live in a world where racy images can pop up anywhere and at any time. I no longer intentionally seek these images out, but sometimes the images will find me even when I'm not looking for them. They may be buried in a random collection of images searched online or they may come in the form of an advertisement in a magaine or on the side of a bus.  I can either stay in control in these situations or I can just crumble at the sight of them and turn to PMO.

One thing that George Collins says that always stuck with me is the idea that "you are not your mind." When we act out, each of us is repeating stories in our minds about what makes us feel good and how we should react when we are exposed to certain stimuli. But those are just stories. And they're stories that many of us have been repeating to ourselves for decades! Collins suggests that when we are struggling with compulsive thoughts, we should come back to the one thing that is always true - that we are the ones that are in control, not our minds.  Highly recommend this book, Tclay, if you're looking for ways to outfox your brain. It has helped me tremendously.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Congrats on 60 day Cosmo! man, you were tested on day 59. I think it often works like that a big dose of temptation just before a milestone. Maybe just so we appreciate it more?

LOL! Isn't that the way it always goes? It's as if you your brain is saying "not so quick, buddy" and throws you a curve ball! I suppose life does seem a little sweeter knowing that I passed the test...this time. Thanks for the congrats, FC!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Way to go Cosmo ! ! 60 days Awesome

Thanks WIP! It's further than I ever imagined myself getting. If I can do it, anyone can.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Could it be 60 days already? Real well done to you Cosmo, I think you've moved through the motions and proved a lot to yourself and to others whose questions you've answered in your journey. Enduring it all makes it all the more manageable, to think tomorrow you'll wake up and it'll be 90, thereafter it will be as easy as waking up to the life that awaits you in a new day. The ball is always in our court.

congratulations for this milestone friend and may we continue to see you succeed

I sincerely hope that it will become "easy" at some point. At 60 days in, it has become easier to resist P. Keeping on top of M hasn't been quite as easy, but I'm working on it. Thanks for the nice message, SE!

 

[sonofJack]

60 is a good number. 61 is even better!

I'm with you about how we deal with this habit. I am not convinced that restricting myself from every seeing another triggering image again, would get me any closer to controlling this. It is about control; self control. Easy to want. Difficult to attain.

 

[LTE]

Could it be 60 days already? Real well done to you Cosmo, I think you've moved through the motions and proved a lot to yourself and to others whose questions you've answered in your journey. Enduring it all makes it all the more manageable, to think tomorrow you'll wake up and it'll be 90, thereafter it will be as easy as waking up to the life that awaits you in a new day. The ball is always in our court.

congratulations for this milestone friend and may we continue to see you succeed

I sincerely hope that it will become "easy" at some point. At 60 days in, it has become easier to resist P. Keeping on top of M hasn't been quite as easy, but I'm working on it. Thanks for the nice message, SE!

I betcha that it's a lot easier now than it was 50 days ago.

 

[Viper]

Definitely tip my hat out to 60 days.
Keep up the good work.

 

[Jverhoye]

Hey Cos, congratulations on 60!  Keep up the good work!

 

[Tclay]

Way to Cosmo!  And I'll check out the book - advise appreciated.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

SoJ, LTE, Viper, Jverhoye, Tclay. Thanks to all of you for your congrats on reaching the 60-day milestone. I know that these numbers are fairly arbitrary and don't really paint the whole picture of a person's recovery, as they merely indicate days abstinent from P. I am still dealing with other other issues that are within the spectrum of sexually compulsive behavior, and they are equally puzzling and even more tenacious in some cases than the urge to look at P. Dealing with the whole spectrum of issues continues to be a challenge, but I guess I can at least say that I have better awareness of them now.

Besides abstaining from M, one of the biggest challenges seems to be resisting the urge to ogle. In other words, resisting the compulsion to look at women other than my wife in a way that instantly objectifies them. Try as I might, the urge is always there. It is fundamental. Biological. It is part of healthy male sexuality but, at the same time, it's a reliable trigger, so to continue accomodating this urge is obviously not going to help my cause in the long run.

My other challenge is a bit stranger and perhaps more shameful, but I feel I must get it out on the page so that I can weaken its power over me. Frequently, when naked and standing in front of a mirror, I am struck with the urge to M.  Usually right after a shower or when I'm changing. I've read that this kind of behavior affects people who do not have an available sexual partner and who, in essence, turn to themselves for gratification by fantasizing that the person in the mirror that is staring back at them is someone other than themselves. It's just another way of chasing fantasies for me, but it goes way back, back to a time before I met my wife and is just as deeply rooted as the urge to ogle or look at P.

The only way to combat these behaviors, I've decided, is to cut myself off cold turkey. By not look at women other than my wife AT ALL. By not looking at myself in the mirror, other than when I'm fully clothed, AT ALL. The fact that I've been unable to overcome these compulsions after 60+ days clean from P tells me just how deep these issues run. For this reason, it's important that I not get complacent just because I've tackled a single problem. There are many problems to tackle, and there is still work to be done.

Have a good day, everyone.

 

[fcjl8]

Hi Cosmo,

You are doing so well on your path. you are now digging deeper and seeking to deal with all lust. That seems to be a natural progression. One that I have certainly gone through.

I truly think that the farther you go away from the PMO the easier these other challenges will be. The ogle or lusting after other women , that has been a hard one for me, but I am truly getting over this now!

I also, focus all my sexuality on the relationship I enjoy with my beloved wife. Not that a see her as my means to act out. We  have discussed what we both see as healthy sexuality. I find this is a must for me right now. I sure know what unhealthy was!

You have shown great strength in dealing with P as a priority. That was wise and courageous many could not have faced that!

 

[Jverhoye]

Hey Cos, if it helps to know, these behaviors are very common.  They have both been part of my recovery.  I still struggle with them periodically.  One thing I find helpful with the ogling is to be very, very mindful and self-aware.  So, as I see a figure in the distance and I approach her, I have conditioned myself to ask, "Why will you look?"  I know the answer and I don't like it, so I very purposefully and mindfully don't look.  The more I have done that the easier it has become.  It's about exercising my Mental Discipline and Awareness "Muscle" and it's getting stronger every day.  But, it has taken me nearly 3 years to get to this point.  Be patient with yourself and celebrate the small victories!

 

[sonofJack]

Difficult feeling ashamed around us Cosmo. The mirror can work its way into many an addictive behaviour. Sometimes it's the only friend I have who'll pay attention to me. More often than that, seeing the ageing naked man looking back at me, is the perfect mood killer.

 

[Tclay]

Cos,

You're the man.  It took guts to put that on the page and I truly respect that!  I'm not judging, I'm applauding ( people in glass houses...). For what it's worth, I am finding the commitment to not have any sexual pleasure accept with my wife an overriding commitment that includes looking at other women.  I consider ogling a sexual pleasure.  I certainly am not perfectly operating according to the doctrine yet but I'm finding the the battle-lines have shifted and the enemy is being pushed back at the moment.  Cos, you ARE moving your battle-line... Continue to press!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Fc, Jverhoye, SofJ, and Tclay: Thank you, all of you, for your support these last few days.

As painful as it is to admit this, I relapsed a couple of days ago. The root of the problem was not P necessarily but other - what I'll call for lack of a better term - "gateway behaviors" like those I described in my previous post.  It felt dishonest to me to keep racking up days free when I was still struggling to keep these other compulsions under control. In the end, I made a very bad but conscious decision to look at P and ended my streak right then and there.

Now that I'm back at square one again, I need to set better ground rules for myself during recovery. I'm still working on what these goals are precisely, but for now, I know that I need to stay away from P and M and consciously manage the thoughts and behaviors that lead to acting out.

Will write more later when time permits. Have a good day, everyone!

 

[Jverhoye]

Good for you for putting it out there, Cos.  We've all been there!  Gateways, Triggers, whatever you want to call them, they are key to understanding your Cycle.  It sounds like you know what they are.  I'm curious what was going on with you emotionally leading up to the other day?

 

[fcjl8]

Cosmo, I think of you as a friend and a brother here. I've said it to others... you don't lose everything overnight. Plus this is how we have to learn sometimes...

You are going to be all good! heck , you are all great!

Peace
Paul

 

[Freethinker]

Cosmo,

I hope you are doing well today. I've had a few painful resets and was very hard on myself. You have the advantage of insight into what triggers you. It seems like you saw it coming. The funny thing is that even when we see it coming sometimes we don't manage ourselves properly to get through a challenging time. This has happened to me several times. I could see a relapse coming and I didn't fight hard enough to stop it. It sucks.

Just learn from it and get better. All is not lost. 60 days is better than my longest of 54. I believe you have a real desire to recover and hope for you to have ever longer streaks and renewed confidence in yourself.

 

[Viper]

Way to go Cosmo ! ! 60 days Awesome

Thanks WIP! It's further than I ever imagined myself getting. If I can do it, anyone can.

Yeah, I just passed 60 myself so you and I are on the same cycle.
Congratulations!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Good for you for putting it out there, Cos.  We've all been there!  Gateways, Triggers, whatever you want to call them, they are key to understanding your Cycle.  It sounds like you know what they are.  I'm curious what was going on with you emotionally leading up to the other day?

Thanks, Jverhoye. Wanted to also thank you for the advice on being more mindful and self-aware in public. I have begun incorporating the practice of saying "Why will you look?" when I see an attractive women approaching from the distance. In fact, I had a chance to test out when we went to the mall this weekend. It did help.

The truth is, I feel like my reboot has been shaky from the start. I guess I just realized after about 2 months that I hadn't been hard enough on myself about keeping certain behaviors in check. After about 27 days, I  gave in to M again, which was a major mistake. Then I had to create a separate counter for "M," which my brain, in its usual sneaky way, reminded me was not in perfect balance with my "P" counter. "Do you want to continue carrying around this reminder that you're succeeding at P but failing at M?" it would ask me. "How long are you going to keep this up? Just have one last binge and then get a fresh start. Problem solved." It played this angle for weeks until it finally wore me down.

Until the relapse, I had been using M as a last ditch effort to avoid P.  It had been effective in that regard but it was also creating other problems, namely, more intense physical urges to M. The ogling and other behaviors that are ultimately connected to fantasy also became more intense. My take away from all this is that giving into M provided another pathway for my brain to get its dopamine fix, and that once it felt it had a reliable way to obtain that fix, it pulled whatever stops it could.

I'm not sure where I'm at emotionally, Jverhoye. I have been pretty depressed lately, but I don't know if that's the cause so much as the effect of my poor judgment and bad behavior. Even though my wife and I have more or less reconciled, I continue to feel bad about allowing P addiction to become a "thing" in our lives. The fact that I'm finding it so challenging to overcome it completely piles the guilt on even higher. Still, I am not letting these feelings of defeat stop me from doing what is clearly the right thing to do: stopping this once and for all.

I'm hoping this will be my breakthrough moment to get on top and stay on top of my compulsions. We'll see!