Cosmo's Journal

[LetItGoAlready]

Cosmo, I think of you as a friend and a brother here. I've said it to others... you don't lose everything overnight. Plus this is how we have to learn sometimes...

You are going to be all good! heck , you are all great!

Peace
Paul

Paul, The feeling is definitely mutual! In some ways I feel like this was a long time coming. I would have preferred to have continued my streak, but, when you get down to it, my so-called streak was anything but consistent; it was more like a series of micro-setbacks and recoveries disguised as solid progress. Personally, I think I would rather have a 3-day streak of not putting up with this crap any longer than a 2-month streak spent dueling with my libido over the terms of my abstinence.

Anyway, I appreciate your kind words and encouragement.  Thank you!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Cosmo,

I hope you are doing well today. I've had a few painful resets and was very hard on myself. You have the advantage of insight into what triggers you. It seems like you saw it coming. The funny thing is that even when we see it coming sometimes we don't manage ourselves properly to get through a challenging time. This has happened to me several times. I could see a relapse coming and I didn't fight hard enough to stop it. It sucks.

Just learn from it and get better. All is not lost. 60 days is better than my longest of 54. I believe you have a real desire to recover and hope for you to have ever longer streaks and renewed confidence in yourself.

Freethinker: Thanks, man. I really do appreciate your input here. I know you have had your own struggles of late and, from what I've read in your journal, you do tend to be pretty hard on yourself, which is something I can relate to. I feel like I need to be hard on myself, too, or else I will continue to fall into the same traps and repeat the same mistakes over and over again. It's a tricky balance between being pissed off and angry at myself and also accepting that I am human and will make mistakes from time to time.  Since there's no chance of my becoming less human, all I can hope for at this point is to learn from my mistakes and make fewer of them in the future.  What more can I ask of myself than that?

 

[Jverhoye]

Just a quick thought, Cos.  I know you said you're not sure if you've been hard enough on yourself.  I get that.  My question is, have you forgiven yourself?  I know for me this took a long time, but it was important.  I've seen too many men not able to stop beating themselves up, and not able to forgive themselves.  At some point the guilt and shame can be, I believe, counterproductive.  Just some food for thought from someone who is really good at being hard on himself!

 

[Tclay]

Jverhoye has a good point here.  If PMO is a disappointment to to... Forgiving self could be a necessary "next step" for you.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Jverhoye, Thanks as always for your insightful comments. I agree that beating oneself up can impede progress. I'm not even sure how I would go about forgiving myself. I know that must sound kind of dumb, like someone admitting they don't know how to ride a bicycle, but I've never sought or granted forgiveness of myself for anything. I am trying to limit the amount of self-abuse I dish out as I go through this process, by being more patient, being more open-minded, etc. And I've gradually come to accept that I have a problem with sexually compulsive behavior and must deal with it, so I guess there's an element of "self-acceptance" to my recovery, if you want to call it that. I'm not sure if that's the same thing as forgiving myself, though. Is it?

 

[somethingelse]

You did a wonderful job to have gone such a long time with no pmo. Regardless of how you feel, I think getting away from the P is a very big deal, honestly don't magnify problems to a degree that they overwhelm you. I don't deny that m is damaging, but we take baby steps, you took a giant leap with the no P and you've every right to be smiling for that. Proud of you Cosmo, no more streaks, just life!

 

[LTE]

You can't change the past, so don't beat yourself up over it. Just learn and move forward.

 

[Tclay]

In issues with addiction, it's often necessary to live in the moment... Especially when in the middle of an attack.  It gets back to what you CAN control.  You can do nothing about the past (or the future for that matter).  Regret is a school master or a ball and chain depending our perspective (don't dismiss this as pop-psych).  A negative opinion about bad performance in the past can be a source of strength to get ME past the triggers.  Trust me, I've had to deal with addictions beyond PMO and the there are two types of battles: One is hand-to-hand combat (in the moment). The other is much more strategic - trying to untie the reasons for your addiction.  Well, wife is up now so I am going upstairs to joint her in our morning time .

 

[LTE]

In issues with addiction, it's often necessary to live in the moment... Especially when in the middle of an attack.  It gets back to what you CAN control.  You can do nothing about the past (or the future for that matter).  Regret is a school master or a ball and chain depending our perspective (don't dismiss this as pop-psych).  A negative opinion about bad performance in the past can be a source of strength to get ME past the triggers.  Trust me, I've had to deal with addictions beyond PMO and the there are two types of battles: One is hand-to-hand combat (in the moment). The other is much more strategic - trying to untie the reasons for your addiction.  Well, wife is up now so I am going upstairs to joint her in our morning time .

Wise words. One huge element of the fight is learning to stay in the moment. 

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Regardless of how you feel, I think getting away from the P is a very big deal, honestly don't magnify problems to a degree that they overwhelm you.

SE, Thanks for bringing this perspective. I probably have been too accomodating to certain thoughts and feelings, when clearly I just need to stay focused on the task at hand: distancing myself from P and M. My goal this time around is to not give in quite so easily to defeastist thinking, and for the moment at least - thanks to the input I've received from you and the other RN brothers here - I seem to be doing that.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

In issues with addiction, it's often necessary to live in the moment... Especially when in the middle of an attack.  It gets back to what you CAN control.  You can do nothing about the past (or the future for that matter).  Regret is a school master or a ball and chain depending our perspective (don't dismiss this as pop-psych).  A negative opinion about bad performance in the past can be a source of strength to get ME past the triggers.  Trust me, I've had to deal with addictions beyond PMO and the there are two types of battles: One is hand-to-hand combat (in the moment). The other is much more strategic - trying to untie the reasons for your addiction.  Well, wife is up now so I am going upstairs to joint her in our morning time .

TClay, Really appreciate your thoughts here. No doubt you've gained a lot of self-knowledge through your struggles with other addictions. I can see your point about needing to stay in the moment and not getting carried away with thoughts of the past (or future). I've started practicing daily meditation as a way of connecting more with the present. Hopefully, as I progress, I will find other novel ways of dealing with counterproductive thinking. It's all pretty new to me at this point. I'm so used to letting my thoughts get the best of me. Learning to fight back and stay in the moment will take time and practice, but I agree with you that it is critical to success.

 

[Jverhoye]

I'm a big fan of daily Meditation.  I feel so much better and calmer during the days when I meditate.  I hope you find it helpful, Cos.!  Stay up!

 

[fcjl8]

Cosmo, hope that meditation helps you stay present. Focusing on the present can be so difficult but is really essential in this battle, and for general happiness in life!

Stay well brother.

 

[Freethinker]

Hey Cosmo,

I can really relate to the "over-thinking" stuff. It really makes it hard to stay in the moment.
I need to try some daily meditation myself to cultivate that mindful self control that supposedly results from regular practice. I hope you get some positive results.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Jverhoye, fcjl8, Freethinker: Thanks for dropping in on my journal. I started meditating after reading a news article touting all of its benefits, then seeing it mentioned again in the Willpower Instinct, which I'm currently reading. I had tried it before years earlier, but I don't think I ever gave it a fair shake. For one thing, I had taken a mindfulness class and was told that one has to meditate in the lotus position. This presented a problem for me because I'm about as flexible as a steel girder. I settled for sitting cross-legged, but it was never comfortable, plus, it killed my back. This time around, I'm just sitting in a chair. No "ommm" sounds are coming from my mouth and I'm not burning any incense or paying attention to what my chakras are doing. I'm just sitting still for 5 minutes and focusing on my breath.

If I were doing this in a sensory deprivation chamber, it would be a piece of cake, but the fact is, I live on a busy street in a noisy neighborhood where there are innumerable distractions around me at all times. It can make meditating challenging at times, but I'm still determined to give it my best shot.

 

[Jverhoye]

Hey Cos., there is a 21 day meditation that is free that my wife and I are doing.  If you are interested, check out Deepak Chopra's web site.  You might find it helpful.  I do.

Chopracentermeditation.com

 

[WiP]

Hang in there Cos.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hey Cos., there is a 21 day meditation that is free that my wife and I are doing.  If you are interested, check out Deepak Chopra's web site.  You might find it helpful.  I do.

Chopracentermeditation.com

Thanks, Jverhoye. I'll definitely look into that!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hey Cos., there is a 21 day meditation that is free that my wife and I are doing.  If you are interested, check out Deepak Chopra's web site.  You might find it helpful.  I do.

Chopracentermeditation.com

Thanks, Jverhoye. I'll definitely look into that!

 

[CyrusG]

Cosmo,

I had dinner with my soon to be ex last night and I told here that i'm doing this path to recovery. Part of our downfall was in fact due to the use of porn on my part. One can only hide from the truth for so long. I tried to hide for years and eventually caught up to me. I never want again to put myself in a situation where I have to speak of such embarrassing issue as this with the woman I love. We all have baggage, but at some point in life we need to start shedding that weight. Many women view this subject as "cheating" even if it's not physically with someone else. Your woman wants to be treated by your desire for her, not something artificial. It truly is  damaging to her self-esteem and will damage your own confidence when we can't share those intimate moments with each other. Once that ball gets rolling it's very very difficult to recover if at all from the damage in your relationship.