Cosmo's Journal

[LetItGoAlready]

Day #8. This has been my first new post since my reboot a little more than a week ago. I guess I've waited this long because I wanted to take in more wisdom than I was supposedly dispensing.

What does it feel like to be rebooting for a second time after 2+ months of towing the line? Well, there is the inevitable shame of having failed of course. But, at the same time, I'm struck by just how easy it was to get back on track. Things are going so smoothly, in fact, that it almost doesn't feel like I hit a rough patch at all.  My memories of having looked at P have all but faded and whatever hold they had over me at the time has been broken. I can only conclude from this that some of the skills I was putting into practice during my first reboot have helped weaken the blow this time around.

This was all brought into focus with LTE's recent re-post of his bicycle analogy, which I'll share here for those who missed it:

When you first learn to ride you struggle to balance, fall, have lots of close calls etc, but you build skill with time. By the time you've ridden for a few months you are still putting forth effort to balance, but it's unconscious effort and seems like no effort at all. It's not that it's any easier, the challenge of balancing has not changed, but you've become so skilled at balancing that you don't even realize that you are doing it. The main difference is that you become faster at correcting imbalances and you stay closer to the point of perfect balance.

It's exactly the same with learning not to use porn or masturbation for self-pleasuring. At first even a slight breeze could become a challenge, but after a while you learn to correct yourself more quickly and the rough spots go from lasting days to only lasting milliseconds.

As I explained to LTE, it feels like this reboot is a balance correction rather than a recovery from a wipeout, which I think must be a sign of progress. Although I hope this is the final reboot I will have to endure during my lifetime, there is at least some comfort in knowing that, as long as I continue to invest in my recovery while I'm PMO-free, it will be easier to recover from a relapse when and if I ever fall off the wagon again.

That's all I have to say for the moment. It's Easter and I should really be spending time with my family. Have a good day, all!

 

[fcjl8]

Dear Cosmo,

Your post is a great example of picking yourself up and dusting yourself off and emerging stronger and wiser! I think we have to go through some of these experiences to grow and really develop that "not an option" mindset that seems to serve many of the long term guys like LTE so well.

I only think by having a few relapses that many of us will get so sick of this that we just dig our heels in deep!

You are a great man Cosmo, I wish I could shake your hand in real life.

 

[Viper]

That's a brilliant analogy about the bicycle.
It's so true.
And in terms of your development, we're human and you'll know so much more during this new reboot, you'll
be better equipped to deal with the challenges.

 

[sonofJack]

Balance corrections can feel devastating to us, until that moment you realize that we're not falling anymore. You've got this Cosmo.

 

[CyrusG]

Hey Cosmo,

In my humble opinion I do think that each relationship is unique in how you handle admitting embarrassing revelations such as this. From my own personal experience, saying nothing and continuing this behavior is death it'self. I've personally put so much doubt in my ex wife's head over the years she basically at one point just did not want to risk having sex with me for her own mental health. I let her down so many times she already had it in her head I was going to fail as well as I did. When we betray our partner sexually it really hits hard and if we are lucky and sincere the storm can be weathered. But your choice Cosmo was still brave one and regardless of the outcome, this is a character builder and good for you spiritually. I've been in the military close to 18 years and braved a lot of situations, however admitting I had a problem with P was the bravest thing I've ever done.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Paul, Viper, SoJ: Thanks, all of you, for your kind words and encouragement. I suppose I do have a better sense now of what I need to avoid in order to succeed at this. Not saying it's easy. Every day brings a new challenge. But I do have hope that with enough distance from P, that "not an option" mindset will take hold for good, and I won't have to deal with this miserable crap anymore.

Not falling anymore, just correcting, is the goal. Well put, SoJ!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hey Cosmo,

In my humble opinion I do think that each relationship is unique in how you handle admitting embarrassing revelations such as this. From my own personal experience, saying nothing and continuing this behavior is death it'self. I've personally put so much doubt in my ex wife's head over the years she basically at one point just did not want to risk having sex with me for her own mental health. I let her down so many times she already had it in her head I was going to fail as well as I did. When we betray our partner sexually it really hits hard and if we are lucky and sincere the storm can be weathered. But your choice Cosmo was still brave one and regardless of the outcome, this is a character builder and good for you spiritually. I've been in the military close to 18 years and braved a lot of situations, however admitting I had a problem with P was the bravest thing I've ever done.

CyrusG: Thanks for dropping in on my journal. I sense you feel a deep regret for betraying you ex and I'm truly sorry you are going through that right now. As hard as it may be for you to see it this way, disgust and regret are actually positive signs that you are ready for a change. Looking back, it amazes me sometimes how carelessly I went about chasing fantasies, behaving so selfishly at times it's as if I were a man possessed.  At the point that I landed at YBOP, I had taken my habit to a new level and had started looking at P on an Ipad at night while my wife and daughter lay in bed next to me sleeping.  No one in their right mind could see that as healthy or responsible behavior. When I finally pulled away from P for awhile and I was able to see the situation for what it was - an addiction run amok - it provided more motivation to quit. Telling my wife upped the stakes even more, but yes, it was a gamble. Not every relationship can handle that kind of betrayal.  Every step we take to live more honestly and openly humanizes us, I believe, and drives us further away from the unfeeling robots we had become.

I truly wish you well on your journey, CG, and I applaud your decision to go back to school and to better yourself in other ways. Stay well, friend!

 

[fcjl8]

Cosmo, I know it does not help things much but you are not alone. Most of us "chased those fantasies" and went through all kinds of ridiculous actions and thought in pursuit of an addiction we often did not even realize we had.

Now that I am in very solid recovery i just shake my head in disbelief over some of the things I watched or lengths I went to find time and material for watching. just unreal!

This reflection is okay Cosmo, we can use it as a tool... in that we don't want to ever go back to that mess!

Stay well friend,
Paul

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Paul, I agree these can be used as a tool. I will think of all the idiotic things that I've done whenever I need a good dose of "porn repellant!"

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Day #15. I've been reading a book called "Love you, hate the porn," a book aimed at couples for whom porn addiction has become an issue. It's an interesting read because it delves into the emotional underside of P addiction. It explains how addicted males turn to P to avoid feeling certain emotions and how emotional insecurity manifests into relationship disharmony between the addict and his female partner. It's written by two men, by the way.

I have to admit, I'm pretty inept when it comes to handling emotions. It's never more apparent than when the wife and I are arguing. Arguments usually start because of some disappointment I've caused, but instead of feeling remorse for causing my wife disappointment, I usually feel humiliated for being called out for it, which in turn makes me angry and causes me to react defensively or to withdrawal completely. According to the book "Many men were faced with situations as children or teenagers when they failed at something and experienced humiliation. As a result, these men will do anything to avoid appearing weak and vulnerable." When I read this, I felt I had arrived at a-ha moment, something that explains why I often behave the way I do under pressure, avoiding emotions instead of confronting them head on. Indeed, avoidance of painful emotions probably has a lot to do not only with how my wife and I communicate but also with how I got tangled up with P in the first place.

Again, I have to shake my head in bewilderment about how I could be so out of touch with my emotions that I am seemingly unaware of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And forget about commiserating with other men about this lack of emotional awareness because, as men, we're all pretty cagey about what we're feeling inside and have been wired from the start not to cop to any kind of weakness or vulnerability. In a way, it's like the perfect trap. We all clearly have feelings, but because it's some kind of mortal sin to admit to having feelings, we keep them bottled up inside and consequently we do stupid ass things that fuck up our lives.

I'm not sure the answer to this problem is to necessarily become so emotionally transparent that we alienate ourselves from our brothers, but I do think, for those of us who have families, the answer might be to be more transparent to our wives -- to let them in on what we're feeling once in awhile. Having some awareness of how men and women process emotions and how this leads to arguing has also helped me personally to identify some of the patterns that my wife and I fall into sometimes.  Contrary to how it may sound, though, I don't think that I am soley responsible for our arguments and that the burden is all mine to bear. I do think I could be a more patient and loving partner than I am sometimes, and I'm trying to work on that.

As far as how things are going with my wife, I'm happy to say that we're in cease fire mode after a rather heated discussion yesterday. We sat together on the couch this morning, sipping our coffees and cuddling and saying nice things to one another. I think we're both trying to find a way to move forward after I told my wife about my problem a little more than a month ago. It hasn't been easy, but my sense is that we will come out of this eventually, hopefully stronger than we were before.

That's all I have to say for now. Have a good day, everyone.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Glad to see the positive note at the end of your message.

I can relate to the issue of hiding my feelings. I never let anyone know what I'm feeling, and I have always taken pride in my self-control and  ability to remain calm and seemingly unaffected by things that actually bother me on the inside. I had a bad day a month or so ago and actually told my wife about how it made me feel. I don't think I had ever done that before. It gave her a chance to care for me and made me feel closer to her as a result. It was a good thing.

But it's definitely hard for me to tell her if she's doing something I don't like, and it's hard for me to respond well when she calls me out on something. 

 

[Gracie]

Love You Hate the Porn was the book that helped my husband and I.  It helped me understand exactly what you have said about him.  It helped him understand how I felt and about wives emotional attachement.  There is a web blog by the same name that has numerous blogs archived that is amazing as well.  My husband and I marked passages that were explanations of how we felt and then read them and talked about them. 

You will be closer to your wife.  It does get better.  There are hiccups on the way.  But the ability to tell each other everything is amazing!

 

[LTE]

Day #15. I've been reading a book called "Love you, hate the porn," a book aimed at couples for whom porn addiction has become an issue. It's an interesting read because it delves into the emotional underside of P addiction. It explains how addicted males turn to P to avoid feeling certain emotions and how emotional insecurity manifests into relationship disharmony between the addict and his female partner. It's written by two men, by the way.

I have to admit, I'm pretty inept when it comes to handling emotions. It's never more apparent than when the wife and I are arguing. Arguments usually start because of some disappointment I've caused, but instead of feeling remorse for causing my wife disappointment, I usually feel humiliated for being called out for it, which in turn makes me angry and causes me to react defensively or to withdrawal completely. According to the book "Many men were faced with situations as children or teenagers when they failed at something and experienced humiliation. As a result, these men will do anything to avoid appearing weak and vulnerable." When I read this, I felt I had arrived at a-ha moment, something that explains why I often behave the way I do under pressure, avoiding emotions instead of confronting them head on. Indeed, avoidance of painful emotions probably has a lot to do not only with how my wife and I communicate but also with how I got tangled up with P in the first place.

Again, I have to shake my head in bewilderment about how I could be so out of touch with my emotions that I am seemingly unaware of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And forget about commiserating with other men about this lack of emotional awareness because, as men, we're all pretty cagey about what we're feeling inside and have been wired from the start not to cop to any kind of weakness or vulnerability. In a way, it's like the perfect trap. We all clearly have feelings, but because it's some kind of mortal sin to admit to having feelings, we keep them bottled up inside and consequently we do stupid ass things that fuck up our lives.

I'm not sure the answer to this problem is to necessarily become so emotionally transparent that we alienate ourselves from our brothers, but I do think, for those of us who have families, the answer might be to be more transparent to our wives -- to let them in on what we're feeling once in awhile. Having some awareness of how men and women process emotions and how this leads to arguing has also helped me personally to identify some of the patterns that my wife and I fall into sometimes.  Contrary to how it may sound, though, I don't think that I am soley responsible for our arguments and that the burden is all mine to bear. I do think I could be a more patient and loving partner than I am sometimes, and I'm trying to work on that.

As far as how things are going with my wife, I'm happy to say that we're in cease fire mode after a rather heated discussion yesterday. We sat together on the couch this morning, sipping our coffees and cuddling and saying nice things to one another. I think we're both trying to find a way to move forward after I told my wife about my problem a little more than a month ago. It hasn't been easy, but my sense is that we will come out of this eventually, hopefully stronger than we were before.

That's all I have to say for now. Have a good day, everyone.

Those are some great insights, Cosmo. Porn is definitely a way of self medicating, which itself, is a way of avoiding feelings. The word "avoid" basically refers to emptying out something and I can't think of a better way to express the results that happen to our inner selves when we use porn to avoid dealing with reality. 

 

[Jverhoye]

Hey Cos, how's it going?

 

[sonofJack]

Hoping that all is well with you Cosmo.

 

[LTE]

Hoping that all is well with you Cosmo.

Ditto.

 

[Viper]

Hey Cos, how's it going?

was wondering the same thing

 

[Tclay]

What's up Cosmo?  8)

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Cosmo

Hope all is well my man. A lot of people here care for you man. Would love to hear from you when you get a chance to stop by

 

[LTE]

Count me in on that too.