Happiness = No Porn, No PMO, and Enjoying Life to the Fullest

PHI415

Member
Hey Reboot Nation,


I am a 24 year olds and have been addicted to pornography since the age of 12.  It all started with nude photos of celebrities, then porno DVD's from my dad's collections, and lastly high speed internet porn.  Day in and day out I would masterbate to porn about 2-5 times daily.  I remember I had a competition with myself to see how many times I could masterbate in a day (which is around 8 times) ::).  I, myself knew it was unhealthy, but I began to become hooked.  I got into my first relationship when I was 15 years old, and the furthest I went with my first girlfriend was oral.  We never had sexual intercourse because there were no condoms available and the pain was too unbearable for her.  In that relationship I was more of the giver then the receiver; I basically never got pleasured, rarely even a stroke :-\.  After our "hangouts", she would leave and I would masterbate away my "blue balls". We lasted for about a year, I told myself I would not get into a relationship for a while and live the rest of my high school life carefree and single.  To this day, I masterbated at least once a day since I was 12, most of which was to porn. 

My fapping days would peak in college.  Not having a girlfriend, and not really trying to pursue girls led to me masterbating more and more.  I did hook up with girls here and there but no intercourse.  The reason being is I could not get a hard on when we would hook up.  I would get a girl in bed with me and we would make out, feel on each other, and other foreplay stuff, but when it got down to business, I could not get a hard on.  In the beginning I brushed it off thinking I have to become intimate with the girl before I can get an erection.  This led to girls thinking I was weird or me ending it then and there.  Keep in mind I am still a virgin from the age of 18-23.  In college, I began to download or torrent a lot of porn. To this day I had about 300+GB of porn, but I just deleted all of it.  Another thing that led to me brushing off the idea of that I had an erectile dysfunction issue was that I had a foot fetish.  About 50/50 percent of the time whenever I jerk off to material on the internet, it would be either foot fetish or just standard porn; sometimes I preferred foot fetish porn over regular porn.
 
  About a year and a half ago, I finished college and started a career in education. During this time, I had a lot of confidence in myself.  I worked out 4-5 times a week, ate a strict diet, and dressed fairly nice.  Working in education there are a lot of females, most of which are later 20's or early 30's.  Being the only male there that is in his 20's, a few teachers would flirt or give me the eye.  I decided to pursue something with a coworker who was a teacher.  She invited me over a few times and we fooled around a bit but no intercourse.  The problem arised again, I could not get a hard on.  I visited her place a few times and each time I could not get a hard on.  I decided to cut off fapping for a week, and I still could not get a hard on with her.  Eventually she blew me off, and that was that.  I went back to my fapping because it caused me less emotional distressed.

About 7 months ago, I met my current girlfriend.  The first few times she stayed over and we would have foreplay and kiss on each other.  Sadly, I could not get an erection with her.  After the 5th or 6th time with her intimately, I achieved my first boner! I was super excited that I achieved this feat, and I felt my sex life is heading towards the right direction.  Keep in mind I am still a virgin at the age of 23 (no shame).  The first time I received oral from her, I thought it was going to be the best thing ever.  To my surprise, it didn't feel as good as I had perceived.  She would go down on me for 20 minutes for so and I could not orgasm, that was the first moment I realized my cock has been desensitized.  As our relationship furthered and she became my girlfriend, 2 months or so, we tried to have vaginal sex.  The first few times of trying to have sex with her my penis would get a hard on from the foreplay and kissing, but when it came to the insertion, my erection died down quickly.  Reason being, I was trying to jam my cock right into her pussy which caused a painful friction on my cock, thus causing it to become flaccid.  After about the 5th time trying, I learned to slowly insert the cock in.  My first time having sex, it didn't have the pleasurable feeling I had expected.  After 4-5 minutes of having sex with my girlfriend, my penis would turn flaccid or ED.  After practicing more, I was able to maintain a decent erection and make my girlfriend cum, but I have yet to cum during intercourse.  We would have sex for 30-40 minutes but I would not be able to cum.  During a few sessions after we would have sex, I would ask her for her feet and make myself cum (basically I jerked off with her feet).  A few months ago, I then start to experience something very bizarre.  In the middle of having sex with my girlfriend, my cock would become flaccid.  This basically would leave her "blue balled" and feeling frustrated with me.  I realized it was my porn addiction (just my assumption, no research yet).  So I gave her my hard drive of porn and went no fap for about 3-4 days.  After the 3-4 days, I was able to maintain erection throughout intercourse and make her orgasm, but I have yet to cum.  This situation would carry on till now.  Except now, we would have sex and after about 4-5 minutes, my erection dies leading to more frustration and irritability within our relationship.  This also caused a lot of stressed on myself, I feel like I am kind of going through depression, being highly irritable, increase of acne, sleeping 9-10 hours a day with naps, and mid afternoon tiredness.

I really want to make a strong effort into committing myself for this Rebooting process because I really care about this girl and want to save our relationship.

P.S.
After getting into my relationship with my girlfriend, my diet and exercising have gone to shit.  I am planning to get back to eating healthy and exercising on a more frequent basis.

Questions:

- Can I have sex during this rebooting process?  What can I do physically with my girlfriend?

- Based on people's knowledge, what would my estimated time of recovery be?  And when can I start having sex?


I am really glad I found this community, and I look forward to updating this post on a frequent basis.

 

willtochange

Active Member
From what i have read from others it's perfectly ok to have sex with your girlfriend, it actually helps rewire your brain to real stimuli. I would abstain from porn for good.
 

PHI415

Member
Appreciate the help!

Day 1

Today I woke up feeling super motivated and able to tackle anything presented to me.  Today at work was super productive even when challenges appeared.  Mid-afternoon I decided to get a mint mojito iced coffee from Phil's Coffee (highly recommend).  However, towards the end of my work day I began to have a build up of anxiety.  I did some research and found out that caffeine induces anxiety.  So I began to feel super anxious and over analysis everything.  I had a real awkward interaction at my work and had a minor anxiety breakdown after.  I talked it out to my girlfriend and it calmed me down a bit.  I did not eat much for dinner, but convinced myself to go to the gym.  I havent worked out in 2 months, I have literally been laying at home after work playing Clash Royale; super unproductive.  Regardless of the events that happened today, I am glad I went to the gym because if not I would have spent another unproductive evening at home, which wouldn't progress my reboot.  I am about to take a cold shower and read some more reboot stories then head onto bed, maybe I'll even read some unfinished books.  Overall, I feel I like it was a good first day and look to tackle many more in the future!  Best of luck to my fellow Rebooters!!!!

P.S.
Last Saturday night, I took half of an ecstasy pill with my girlfriend which would contribute to my low serotonin levels and increased anxiety.  Note to fellow rebooters, stay away from any drugs/alcohol/and even caffeine.  I am planning on going on a fap free, drug/alcohol cleanse.

 

dennis

Member
Hey PHI415! Welcome man!

Your story sounds very similar to mine, and probably many others on this site. What stood out to me in particular was the multiple failures in bed with women leading to just giving up and PMO'ing alone. Another thing we have in common is the foot fetish thing. BUT the strange thing is this. For me personally, I realized that fetishes are born out of times when our minds become too numb or bored with normal porn. I realized this because when I would have long streaks (longest for me was 18 days), feet weren't attractive to me. They were just feet. It was only after I relapsed after watching regular porn, did I suddenly have this thirst for feet. It was like a cherry on top of normal porn. Like adding the bells and whistles to a bicycle. When you start having long streaks of abstinence (and you will, trust me man, you WILL overcome this), maybe you'll realize this too about your fetish. I also have the same experience with you regarding blowjobs. I've been desensitized to the point where BJ's don't feel like anything to me. It feels so dumb trying to convince a girl NOT to go down on you because you're terrified of getting soft and offending her.

I think it's really good that you have a gf and are having regular sex. Honestly, I think the best motivator is knowing that this addiction is hurting someone we care about. Every time you're about to PMO, just think about how disappointed she was the last time it didn't work in bed. It's a strong motivator man. It's great because not only are you cutting your brain off from digital stimulus, you're actively rewiring it to physical touch with your gf. I'd say you're in the best possible position for a reboot man. YOU GOT THIS.

PS- The mint mojito iced coffee at Phils is THE BOMB.
 

PHI415

Member
Dynamo, so thankful for your response.  Definitely provided me more knowledge for my reboot! I love how this community is so supportive for one another and together we can provide positivity and hope that can help us defeat this demon.

On the foot fetish thing, I think I want to keep it because its something unique and something my girlfriend and I appreciate.  Also, its another part of the female body I can appreciate.

Day 2:
Woke up feeling a bit anxious because of my minor anxiety breakdown yesterday, but had the positivity to go through and finish my work day (my reward would be finally getting to relax since it is the weekend and I can see my GF).  In the morning at work, I had some slight anxiety around my coworkers but nothing too drastic, I just felt awkward and they sensed some type of awkwardness.  I came home for lunch, ate a healthy meal, and took a 20-25 minute nap (really helpful to have a break and refresh yourself).  I woke up feel less anxious then I did earlier, and went back to work.  I finished the day strong.  When I met up with my GF, I felt a huge surge of positivity and happiness.  Getting the sensation to touch her really brought my spirit up.  I had dinner with her and went out to a scenic river spot.  My friend later invited me over to his apartment complex to hang out for his mom's birthday.  I had a good time socializing with everyone and maintained positive energy (no anxiety).  Overall a successful 2nd day and looking forward to the weekend. 

When I had physical contact with my GF, I had a couple erections here and there.  And when it died down, I didn't stress too much about it because I know it is caused by PIED.  Before whenever my boner would die down, I would put a mental strain on myself to try to force it back up; and when I couldn't, I felt stressed out.

Again, I really appreciate anyone's input/advice.  I wish everyone the best and WE WILL COME OUT ON TOP!!!!
 

PHI415

Member
Day 3

Spent a beautiful sunny Saturday with my GF.  Tried goulash and beef stroganoff for the first time and that was the BOMB!!! Super down to try more Eastern European food from now on.  My GF and I went paddle boating in the afternoon then we went to get some Hong Kong Egg Cakes or "eggettes" near her place.  She decided we should check out a park near her place, so I brought a basketball from my car.  We later capped off the night by  getting some seafood pasta.  Overall good third day, and from reading fellow rebooters journals, it seems like my positive energy and vibes comes from the idea of me acknowledging my addiction to porn and making an effort to  change myself for the better.  The real challenge for me is when my excitement in doing this reboot dies and have to maintain motivation to not fap to porn.  I am bracing myself to tackle this head on and look to support my fellow brothers as well!


P.S.
I did have some moments of anxiety today, but it was nothing too drastic (i.e. rethinking about the negative moments I had this week at work).

I am also continuing this cold shower streak as well, really beneficial to my well-being and sex life.

I managed to have a intimate sex with my GF, the best I had in months!  Give me hope that we can still have good sex during the early stages of my reboot.  Lastly, I was not able to cum , but I believe the cold shower I took before we had sex helped the blow flow through my penis.  I had an extreme hard-on for about an hour of sex. 
 

dennis

Member
Hey dude!

Your date sounded fantastic! Having full days of plans like that will be super helpful in this reboot.

Also, cold showers are awesome. With time, the shock of cold showers goes away and they just feel like normal showers. But keep doing them, because they will serve as reminders for why you're doing this. I haven't stopped since April (haha even though it's a lot easier now that it's summer lol)
 

PHI415

Member
Thanks Dynamo!

Day 5:
This past weekend I ended up having a lot of sex with my girlfriend, while maintaining a fairly nice erection throughout sex.  I O when she gave me a BJ but still have not O during vaginal. 

My anxiety seemed to lessen the last couple of days, which is a positive sign.  However, I am starting to dream about watching porn and have had quite a few flashbacks of my favorite pornos. I feel guilty when I have these flashbacks but as long as I shut down the thought I am sure I will be fine.  Since I use to be a huge porn addict, I can't help but think about my favorite porn sites and their weekly updates.  I am somewhat yearning to see if the updates are to my liking or not?  I am deferring my temptations to movies and tv shows.

 

PHI415

Member
Day 6:

Sadly, I came across a Youtube prank video where a girl was wearing some tight shorts, which then led me to look some foot fetish pictures.  What does this do to my reboot?  I didn't PMO or MO, I just looked at some pictures for about 10 minutes. 

Stay strong fellas!
 

dennis

Member
You're fine, dude. Honestly, all this reboot stuff comes down to the each individual. You decide when you reset your counter and what counts as messing up.

Personally, I don't reset unless I PMO. My logic is that even if I'm peaking at some P or other stimulus, it's never too late to stop. Say you find yourself 30 minutes into looking at P, if you still haven't PMO'd, you can still decide to walk away. You always have a choice. If you're able to close the P and not PMO, then you are proving to yourself that you are in control. P does not control you or make you do things you don't want to do.

It's like if you're a bank burglar, and you break into the bank at night with all your stuff and sneak into the vault. Then you suddenly realize you don't want to steal the money anymore. You can walk away. You don't have to do it just because you're "already in the process."
 

dennis

Member
No problem, man. Im really happy that I can be of help to you. We are all victims. We should act like brothers in this.

One thing I realized after I joined this forum, is that it only works if you get involved. At first, I was just writing in my own journal, expecting other people to care. Or expecting that reading my own journal would get me places. After a week or two, I grew sad because no one was reading or caring about my journal and I felt betrayed. Then i realized that I was wrong. People only invest in you if you also show that you can invest in them. I wasnt reading other people's stories and contributing and helping them. So why did I expect to receive anything in return?

Once I started reading and writing in other people's journals, things picked up. Hearing other people's stories is heartbreaking. It really opens your eyes to the fact that THIS is a real thing. And it's happening to ALL OF US. And the only way we can get through and beat this thing is if we help each other. So I encourage you to read and write in other people's journals in addition to your own. It will be hugely beneficial.

 

PHI415

Member
Shit....I PMO'd.  I was feeling sick today and ended up not going to work.  Which led me to start looking at P on my phone....  :-\
 

PHI415

Member
Hi all,

I have decided to come back to the forum for support and motivate others in their process for reboot. 

Update:
I have been going on and off with PMO the last year and a half.  I realized an increase in anxiety and depression during this time.  I am still with my loving and caring girlfriend.  The brain fog has caused me to become a zombie just going through the motions with little to none self-awareness.  I relapsed about an hour ago and feel like shit but writing these journals has been therapeutic.  Today is Day Zero.

I have started a physical, personal journal and will do my best to consistently contribute to this forum. 


 

PHI415

Member
Day 1

Having slept at 3am, I woke up lacking motivation to go to work.  But I pulled myself out of bed and went to work.  I felt really sluggish this morning with heavy eye bags and I also had some minor anxiety.  After work, I went straight home and took a nap.  I woke up feeling a little refreshed, had dinner and set goals of finishing up some homework.  I was watching the NCAA championship game while doing my papers.  I finished my papers and had a small work out to raise my heart levels.  Overall, I felt productive towards the end of the day but I do fear I will continue to have some day fog these next couple of days.
 
Keep it up (no pun intended). I've also been struggling with no PMO over the past year or so. Some days are good, some days are hell.
 

PHI415

Member
thanks justsomeguy  :D trying to stay positive


Day 2
Went to sleep last night on time.  I have had a good 7 hours of sleep in a while.  Ever since I relapsed from my 90 day streak, I went back to having a terrible sleeping schedule by only sleeping 5-6 hours every night.

I went to work today, felt pretty good and well rested.  Had very little anxiety, most of my interactions with people went well.  I had some thoughts about porn that I typically enjoyed watching, but blocked it when I had the urge of fapping to it on my computer. 


I watched this video today, which fueled my motivation and positivity to continue no porn/no fap:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZCZ1VM-z5I
 

PHI415

Member
Day 6

Last night, I went drinking with some buddies and had a pretty good time out.  I was pretty social and felt energetic.  When I woke up this morning, I had an after glow from drinking as I usually do and I am typically content/mellow.  I decided to go out with my girlfriend to the park since it was a nice day out.

As the day progressed, I notice my mood began to change.  I was as energetic and happy as I was a couple of days ago.  I felt some anxiety by not want to be out in public and around people.  I still have not watched porn or PMO, but I have been having urges here and there.  I am wondering if I'm in the flatline part of my reboot? 

Also, the last couple of times when I have been having sex with my girlfriend, I started fantasizing about porn just to try to climax.  What should I do in this situation?  I am quite worried about this issue. :-\

 

misc person 86

Active Member
Whenever i have to start fantasizing to get finished, or even maintain my erection... It's game over. My gf sees the difference in my face and behaviour... She says it's like I'm not connected with her and I'm just focusing on her body rather than her. Porn taught us that sex is all visual and for the guy and sometimes throughout recovery we dip back onto this way of thinking accidentally... Sex for most people (definitely me) doesn't work like that. If you feel you're starting to lose focus on the 2 of you being as one and in a shared moment, just stop. For me, this type of thinking is usually the beginning of a flat line, and an orgasm at this point makes me feel like shit and libidoless for a good 5 days. Just my experience. Sounds like your acknowledgement of this is a really positive step though!!
 
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