Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me


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Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me

First of all I would like to thank the following people:

Gary Wilson.
Your research and work helped me to find a problem, which has been bothering me for a long time.

Gabe Deem. Your contribution about spreading awareness about porn addiction is amazing. Also Thank you for creating the community of RebootNation.

Last but not least I want to thank members of Reboot Nation, who directly or indirectly helped me in my fight with my addiction. For me the most influential members were Sunborn, zaraki888, Dareius, Lapper, TiramiSu, William, Gracie, Objectified1 and last but not least Emerald Blue. Your contribution helped me drastically and made this article possible.

I need to warn you in advance. English is not my native language and MS Word is not almighty, so there will be mistakes.

I wrote this article in order to sum up my experiences as a rebooter. It will contain a lot of quotes, links and a wall of text. Because of that I did my best to make it as readable as possible. It also contain some triggers. If you have problems to read long articles, just read a chapter every day.

Therefore I have to warn you, this is not the only way how to successfully reboot. There is a chance I got crazy along the way so rather use this approach:

?Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.? ? Bruce Lee

A little about me

You might be wondering why this is the best thing that has ever happened to me?

When I discovered I am porn addicted I was devastated. I never had a clue that something like this even exists and I definitely didn?t want to become addicted. Who would like to? But when I discovered about addiction I knew it was all my doing and it is also my responsibility to beat this addiction as well. Nobody will that for me. I was willing to do anything to beat it, because I couldn't imagine spending my whole life behind computer screen jerking off.

At the beginning of this journey I was whining self-hating, pessimistic and depressive person who always had too many excuses why this and that can't be done and why is it such a problem. Now I am confident, more positive and more friendly person who can talk to other people (and girls as well). I could do this and I have no doubt you can make this change as well.

To be honest I've never intended to live without porn ever again. The way I see it, humans will be bombarded with sex even more because sex is something that sells. And it sells a lot. My intention was to learn how to live with that, because I didn?t want to live in constant fear when I see something sexy I will fall back into addiction.

Also there is one thing that porn taught me. Although it caused me a lot of negative things it also showed me there are numerous ways how partners can pleasure each other sexually. And I would like to explore my sexuality.

If you are still interested in what I have to say, let?s get started:

1. Admit you have a problem
?When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change?- Legend of Korra

There is a big difference between looking at porn once in a time and watching it every day, having multiple tabs in your browser, seeking various forms of kinks for hours in order to get off.

If you don?t believe you have problem with porn, why would you want to get rid of it? Why would you go through that pain, bad feelings, suffering and more? Admitting problem is the most crucial point in your recovery.

I know it?s hard to admit it. I never considered the problem could be me. These days when I want to blame everything else, first I ask myself: Isn?t problem in me? And in most cases it is.

Why would any porn loving guy give up porn? I?ll share my two cents on this question.
Porn won?t touch me back, porn won?t hug me back, porn won?t kiss me back and the most important thing porn won?t love me back.

Still don?t believe me and consider that using porn is ?normal? that everybody does and nobody gets hurt? Well then look how this normal behavior affects your significant other!

Or you know what? Forget it. Enjoy as much porn as you want. But I don't want to be you when you'll have a chance to be with a girl and you won't be capable to perform at all. And that look of dissapointment on her face...

Maybe you already have a girlfriend/wife and children. Are you willing to lose them just for a few pleasurable moments alone? No? Then do something about it, otherwise you will.

If you are not sure, test yourself. Stop using porn for 14 days or just masturbate without porn. If you can do it without problem, good for you. But if you can?t do it at all, you probably have symptoms of porn addiction.

2. Learn about addiction
?Knowing is half the battle.? - G.I. Joe

You will face many uncomfortable situations like flatline, withdrawal symptoms when facing porn addiction (or dopamine addiction to be more precise). But if you know what?s ahead of you, you won?t get scared so easily or misplace these situations for something else. I recommend starting with The Great Porn Experiment. In this short video you will learn about most common symptoms of porn addiction.

The best source of information about porn addiction is This website contains many scientific studies, articles and videos, even a book. All of that gives you understanding of what is happening in your brain and what will you face during your reboot.

There are also other good sources as well. There are Gabe?s videos, Addiction or NoFAP academy. Take your time and study it, it will ease your reboot. Alas I have to warn you. Don't become expert on the addiction.Instead become expert on you life!

3. Make environment work for you
?The things you own end up owning you.? -Tyler Durden

In order to reboot, you need to get rid of everything associated with porn. Magazines, DVDs, videos and so on. Everything has to go. Because if you keep them, you will be tempted to use them. We all have tendency to have some kind of backdoor. But backdoors leads you away from your goal.

When I discovered I am porn addict, I wanted to recover. But I naively though I am strong enough to manage on my own. I was too afraid to delete my porn stash thinking I will lose something precious. For my first run I stayed 14 days before I relapsed.

After that I was relapsing every week mostly during the weekends, sometimes shorter. I decided to delete 1 porn video every day as a reward for staying clean. I deleted everything after a week. But I was still watching porn online.

?You can?t get enough of what won?t satisfy you?

For some reason I thought that if I install web filter I will lose information. I was too afraid for that. It took me a few relapses and I installed K9 software. Funny thing, it wasn?t that bad as I though.

But all this steps took me 4 months, before I really got rid of most available porn. I had to experience it by myself. Here is good post talking about filters:

What worked best for me was registering it to somebody else; create a password containing random numbers and letters and forget it. Then you will have it much harder to find anything.

Filters block a lot of porn, but not all. You may try to bypass them or go around them and there is a chance you will succeed. But if you really want to recover, don?t rely on filters. Think about them as a warning.

I also did a few other adjustments. I have a lot of the used quotes as my wallpaper to remind me to focus on life, not on addiction. And Rise and Shine is my alarm clock.

4. Your real enemy
?I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self.? ? Aristotle

For all of us this is the hardest thing we have ever done. It?s because you will face the most cunning, vicious enemy you can ever face. Yourself! It will be very persuasive voice in your head, promising you sweet things, convincing you that you need porn and you can't live without it.

You used porn as a medicament. It was your place to hide from the world. A method how to instantly deal with problems and emotions, which were bothering you. It became a part of your life for years. Don?t expect it will pass overnight.

?Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.? ? Henry Ford

Your mind is a very powerful tool. Problem is when you are using this tool against yourself. When a homeless guy tells you ?You are no good.? you don?t believe him. But when your mind tells you same thing, you believe it without a word. This is the problem.

Chance is you hate yourself. I was there too. I hated myself so much I let myself live to suffer more rather than kill myself and be free. I was like this for more than 6 years and each year was worse and worse. Believe me when I tell you there is a way out. You can beat not just this addiction, but this mindset as well.

For start you need to change is how you explain situations you get into. For example when you face something you didn?t know don?t say: ?I am stupid.? Because this seems like it?s a permanent thing that you can?t change. This is not true. Instead explain this situation: ?I didn?t know that?, because this is temporary and it's something you can change.

Same works for pursuing a relationship. If you believe you aren't good enough to have a partner, then you you'll have it even harder to find someone.

Know this. Terry Crews beat this addiction (yes THAT Terry Crews), Gabe Deem beat it and you will beat it too. For the start say this loudly: ?I will beat this!? Even better repeat it every day.

[size=16pt]?As you think, so shall you become.? ? Bruce Lee

By the way for me Rocky Balboa?s speech to his son is the best definition of life I have ever heard. Go ahead and look at it, I?ll wait?

You are back? I really liked the last phrase: ?Until you start believing in yourself, you won?t have a life.? Well I can?t give you any universal plan how to do that; I can only share things, which helped me to believe in myself. But before that I?ll bore you with my theory:
Law of attraction
?'The secret of attraction is loving yourself?- Lao Tzu

For me this is the core of success in all aspects of your life. But by that I don?t mean narcissistic self-love like I have a nice car, lot of money, lovely girlfriend/wife and so on. I understand it more likely when I stand in front of mirror I can look myself in the eyes. I like the person in front of me and also the direction I am taking to become a better person.

Success isn?t something you pursue; it?s something you attract by becoming an attractive person. A  question to you: How do you want to really love another person if you can?t love even yourself?

5. Two approaches
?I?m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You?re the one that has to walk through it. ?? Morpheus

Abstinence approach is probably first way you will try. You set a 90 days goal and leave everything as it was before. You will focus on number of days you stayed clean, measure your dick hardness, wet dreams, successful penetration and so on.

There is a chance you will succeed. But at the same time what you will feel after this threshold will be void. Emptiness. You will feel so empty it will be unbearable. In order to fill that void may fall again to porn, alcohol, cigarettes etc... You won?t help yourself much.

[size=16pt]?Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ?- Albert Einstein

But more likely you will relapse several times in the process. You get mad at yourself, punish yourself for that and try it again harder. What will you resolve? Same result as before. In order to get out of this circle you need to start doing things differently, because when you do what you always did, you will get what you always got.

In my starting days as a rebooter I was trying to reach higher and higher number of days. But I wasn?t much successful in that. Something had to change if I really wanted to successfully reboot. I had to change.

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." Jim Rohn

Recovery approach

Recovery approach focuses on different areas than your penis. It focuses on your life and things related to it. Underdog made two valid points in his Thoughs on Rebooting:
[size=16pt]Abstinence is NOT a recovery.
Porn addiction is not cause of your shitty life. Porn is a symptom.

Your problem is you firmly believe that life awaits you after reaching 90 days. Until then you are waiting for an opportunity, magical moment, anything like that and your life will be great afterward! I hate to disappoint you, but this opportunity will never come. Or to be more precise, it won?t come in form you hope for.

Snatch from Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill:
[size=16pt]When the opportunity came, it appeared in a different form, and from a different direction than Barnes had expected. That is one of the tricks of opportunity. It has a sly habit of slipping in by the back door, and often it comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. Perhaps this is why so many fail to recognize opportunity.

So instead seeing porn addiction as something bad, see it as a gift. An opportunity that you were waiting for so long.


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6. Who do you want to become?
?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.? ? Socrates ?

Rather than thinking about porn focus on yourself. Sit down, take a pen and paper and write down, what you want to accomplish in your life. You are the most important person of your life and you are the only one who can change it! Being obssessed with porn addiction and things related to it won't help you either.

Don?t fancy of writing? Take it as a necessary evil to become a better person. Because when you write it down, you will feel more committed to accomplish things. I talk from personal experince.

In these days we have so many opportunities what we can do or who we can become. Yet we are not happier. When you have too many options you have problems to decide. It?s also known as analysis paralysis or decision paralysis.

In order to get somewhere you need to limit yourself and cut some of these option to become happier. But don?t focus just onto one thing. Diversify your identity onto more things.

Write down your life vision. It may take a day, week or a month maybe, but it?s necessary. You need something to focus on, a direction out. Make a plan that will get you out of this mess.

Here are some tips, which helped me to write down my personal vision:
? Why do you want to beat this addiction? I know it sounds like a silly question, but reason for that is simple. Because your mind will play many tricks upon you, you want your answer as a reminder. If you'll be in situations when you don?t know why to continue, remember these reasons why have you started.
? Personal analysis ? How good do you know yourself? For the start write 10 of your strong sites and 10 of your negative sites.
? Personal achievements ? there must be something in your life that you are proud of. And I don?t believe there is nothing. Things like graduating from college, having a driving license, kissing a girl. No matter if they are big or small, they are yours.
? Who don?t you want to be like? ?There must be somebody around you, who is repelling you. Why so? What does this person do? How does this person behave?
? Is there anybody who you envy? Or do you want to be like somebody? Why so? What does this person have/know/do and you would like to?
? Skills you want to learn ? playing instrument, martial art, speaking two languages (I can recommend that, it saved my life) and so on
? Job or career
? Family life
? Your legacy, contribution to society - what will preserve after your death? What do you want to be remembered for?
? Amount of money you want to have or earn annually. The greatest value is not what you get, but who will you will become. We live in society, where money unfortunately plays a major role in our life. I personally despise money, because they are indirectly responsible for my addiction. But I know they won't just dissapear, so I would like to be financially independent and don?t have to stress out all the time because of money. But for me personally there is a catch: [size=14pt]"Some people are so poor, all they have is money."
I don't want to be poor, but I don't want to be THAT poor. 

Use all these things to write down your personal vision. I have a favor to ask. Don?t try to write a perfect vision! Otherwise you will never be satisfied with it. Perfection is just an abstract form no one knows like it looks like. What is worse, this perfect form in probably not even yours.

I am not perfect, you are not perfect and this article is not perfect as well. That is all right, because you won?t find happiness in a final destination. You'll find happiness in the process of becoming the person you want to be.[/size]

?Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.? - Eleanor Roosevelt

When you have your personal vision written down, ask yourself very important question:

Am I willing to suffer for this vision?

If you are not sure or if it just doesn?t feel right, do something for it. It?s the only way how you can be sure. You can always make adjustments during this process.

There is always a price to pay. You won't get something for nothing. It's actually the pain and struggle which decides what you are worth of.
[size=16pt]?Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.? - Alexis Carrel

It won?t be an easy fight. Not by a long shot. It will get worse before it gets any better, but it will be worth every second.[/size]
?I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.? - Jewish Proverb

7. Habits ? your way out
?We first make our habits, then our habits make us.? ? John Dryden

We all were using porn in our free time. It was the most interesting thing to do because anything else seemed boring. Best way out of the porn addiction is to do other activities, so you won?t think about porn. Because when you are trying not to think about porn, you are still thinking about porn. If you try to suppress these thoughts, they will come back in even worse form.

What really helped me with my rebooting and getting over my depression were habits. I worked every day on myself. This wasn?t an overnight change. It was gradual process from hating myself to don?t like myself and then I started to like myself. When I think about it, it probably took me about 100 days to notice some difference.

How to develop a healthy habit

Let?s say you want to run 3km a day. You will do it once, maybe twice but then you will stop. Why? Because it was too sudden change and you aren?t used to it. Rather start with 100 meters for about 20-30 days before it will become a habit. After that period you can go for more.

Or you want to read books. You can read 10 pages of a book per day. If you read 10 pages per day for a year, you read 3650 pages, which is like 12-13 books. And this will definitely get you somewhere. It?s easy thing to do, right?

Here?s thing. Because it?s so easy to do, it is also easy not to do! And because it's so easy to do, people don't want to believe that. They just have to believe it's something out of their reach, something complex and something hard they aren't able to accomplish. And therefore they can keep it as an excuse for their behavior.

Snatch from Model by Mark Manson:
?When undertaking any emotional shift or change in behavior, there?s going to be an initial ?pain period.? The pain period typically happens in the beginning of forming any new habit. It?s the period of greatest resistance and discomfort and the period in which most people give up.

Whether it?s bodybuilding, learning a new language or starting a new job, there?s going to be an awkward and difficult period where you?re going to struggle, fail at times, and most of all, feel vulnerable. ?

Besides feeling vulnerable you need to know reasons why are you developing these habits. These reasons will be tested during pain period, so make sure you have solid ones. They will decide if you keep going or give up. This is the time when your personal vision is taking its place. It?s the reason why are you doing all of this.

My habits

During my reboot I developed several habits, which really helped me not just with rebooting, but with my life as well. Here they are:
? Plan your day - take a notebook and start planning your next day. Decide what will go first, what will follow. Also write a specific time when you want to start. When you write it down, you will feel more committed to do it. When you finish the activity, check it. By that you will see you completed it. Repeat this process every day, because this one is very crucial!
? Read 10 pages of a book - Books are the best methods how to change. Everything you need for tthis change is already written. How to become wealthy, how to be happy.

Somebody spent 50 years to gather all his knowledge into a book and shared his wisdom with the world. You can learn all that within a month. All you need to do is read the book, thus you don?t have to believe everything. Once again I prefer following approach: 

[size=16pt]?Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.? ? Bruce Lee

For me personally reading 10 pages of a book is a must. Even if I don't do any other activity, I do not dare to leave this one out. Our mind is the most powerful tool we all have. So train it well, because it will decide how good your life will be. Here are books I really can recommend:
1. The Slight Edge by Jeff Olsen - this book explain how small things make all the difference between success and failure. How few simple disciplines repeated every day will drastically help you on your journey and your life as well.

2. No more Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover - it describes a "Nice guy syndrome", his origin and gives you tools how to become a confident man. I believe this syndrome affects many us and explains why we ended up with porn addiction. Although I found these tools by other means, it still helped me understand what could affect me that much. Here you can find some description so you can compare it with what you know about yourself:

Line from this book:
"Many Nice Guys discovered at an early age that sexual arousal was a good distraction from the isolation, turmoil, unrealistic demands, and abandonment experiences of their childhood. Unfortunately, when Nice Guys bring their sensual security blanket into adulthood, it prevents them from experiencing intimate and fulfilling sex with another individual."

3. Start with Why by Simon Sinek - describes golden circle how we decide pretty much about anything. And tells you why is so important to know your reason WHY. To get the idea you can look at his TED talk as well:

4. Learned Optimism by Martin E. P. Seligman - many people tells us that being an optimist is better. This book explains reason why is that and how being a pessimist or an optimist is affecting us in work, at home. How it affects our immune system. And the best thing, optimism can be learned. Remember when I was talking about mindset? It was from this book.

5. Models by Mark Manson - it is considered as a dating book, but don't look for tips what you should say or do. Mark describes influence of vulnerability, how to develop it and how it affects women toward you. Mark also has a good blog talking about life in general

6. How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie - legendary book about basics of succesfull communication with your partner, friends, coworkers. Gives you tips how to be a person who is liked by others.

7. Five love languages by Gary Chapman - book talks about partnership and marriges and what can you do to make your marriage work. It also warns about being in love and what love is.

8. Rework by Jason Fried ? this book completely changes your view about being an entrepreneur. It shows you that starting or managing your business don?t have to be as hard as you think. That making less than others and keeping things simple is much better solution. Some of the tips are great for life as well.

9. Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki - thus it is financial book, it has a few good tips for life as well. It talks about the worst thing you can say to your kids and therefore ruin their lives. Most of us don't want to live from paycheck to paycheck (I am sure I don't), it is also a good start for your financial education. Book also points out that the only thing most people know about earning money, is to work harder not smarter, have two/three jobs yet they still don't earn much.

10. Richest man in Babylon by George S. Clason ? short book talking about money. It will give you some basic rules about earning and managing your finances, also giving you great financial plan. All of those in simple and easily understandable stories.

11. Four hour body by Tim Ferris - it destroys many workout myths and shows us, that developing a nice body might not be as hard as we are told. I was intrigued by chapter how to heal permanent injuries and prevent them in future. When I consider that I spent most of my life sitting in chair behind computer screen and by doing that I twisted my spine, I was relieved that I can also fix it.

12. Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell - this book looks on a success from a different angle. In tell us about theory of 10 000 hours and how believing in talent is overrated. There are sometimes external factors, which plays important part of being successful as well.

13. Focus by Daniel Goleman - I recommend reading this book after Outliers. It corrects some misunderstanding on the topic of 10 000 hours theory. It's not only the amount, but also the constant work not to fall in automatic process. Also describes why focus is an ability we will definitely need in the upcoming years.

14. End of procrastination by Petr Ludwig - it enhances idea of The Slight Edge and gives you tools how to fight with procrastination more efficiently. Unfortunately it is still not translated into English language. For the info you can watch

Just be aware some of these books talks about sex, so there is a chance that you might relapse. But don't panic or discouraged by that, because in this case it is for a good thing and can help you overcome porn addiction. These books have a lot of references for other books so I think you will have plenty of reading material.

Last thing about reading. I prefer visiting libraries for two reasons:

1. I don't spend much for the books - I spent just a tiny fraction of the total sum I would have to pay in order to read every book I borrowed and still get the knowledge from these books. And if the book isn't good I have no reason to be mad or dissapointed, I just return it back and borrow another one.

2. When I borrow a book, I have it for a limited time. Because of that the book became more valuable to my mind and I will more likely read it. And if I really like it and want it to read some time later I?ll buy it without regret.

? Start working out - it doesn't have to be anything drastic. Just do 10 push up every day. After a month you can go for more. When you will see physical changes, you will feel better as well. If you don?t fancy gyms you can find some workouts here:

? Eat a piece of a fruit - apple, orange doesn't matter. A simple act of doing it helps a lot.

? Take cold showers - this is actually a great shock therapy and it helps with depression as well. I prefer to wash myself under the hot water first and then I turn to cold. By doing that you will learn how to deal with uncomfortable situations more likely.

? Meditate ? There are many techniques when it comes to meditation, so you will have to look for the one which suits you the most. Start with 5 minutes per day.

? Walks in the nature ? walking is our natural movement. Yet most of the time we are sitting behind computer screen. Also when you walk in the nature, you will more likely calm yourself and get some new ideas.[/size]

"Your future is created by what you do today, not tomorrow."

By repeating these activities you are also training your discipline and willpower, which are things that will help you not just with addiction, but through your entire life.

?We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.? Jim Rohn

Do you know what the funniest thing about this article is? You already know all of that. You know what you need to do, so go ahead and do it. What you are actually scared of is being uncomfortable. You need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable!

?Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do.? ? Bruce Lee


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8. Track your progress
?Don't count the days, make the days count.? ? Muhammad Ali

It?s good to have some sort of a counter. You will see your real progress or if you have difficulties. I personally use spreadsheets these days rather than counters, because I am not reminded about porn addiction constantly. When it comes to counters I prefer the type which also shows days before relapse, because it reminds you your progress!

When you go from a watching porn every day to a once a week, that?s progress. When you go from a week to three weeks, that?s progress. From three weeks to three months, that?s progress. Progress is what you should go after all the time. Remember one thing, if you relapse you are not at the beginning!

Appreciate yourself

Use small steps method even for setting your number of days. Rather than 90 days divide it into lesser number. I like 7 days for one week and 8 days for the week after. They are more reachable and those 90 days will come soon enough. Don?t be too hard on yourself and after reaching every threshold appreciate yourself.

Do that for other activities as well. You finished reading a book? Appreciate yourself. Finished working out? Appreciate yourself. Appreciating oneself is sign of maturity. Who else will do that, if not you?

Have a journal

Having a journal is a very helpful tool and great self-therapy. I am writing to my journal many things. How I feel, things that has been bothering me, situation in my past, my observations on myself, opinion on people, anything. And I am writing at least 2 times per week and at the beginning of a new month I am going over my notes so I have some feedback about my decision. Worst thing you can do is to keep everything inside yourself. One day it will all come out and it won?t be a pleasant experience. Not just for you.

[size=20pt]9. Failure is not an option? is it?

?A winner is just a loser who tried one more time.? ? George Moore

We are all afraid of failing. Most of our lives we were told that failing is not an option; it is something bad and should be avoided or we will be punished. This mentality of being punished comes from schools. We are taught that failure is not an option! It?s not true and what is more important you need to unlearn this nonsense in order to have a solid life. Because when you fail at something, it is your best opportunity to learn from it.

Since the day I discovered I am porn addict I relapsed more than 60 times. At the beginning of my journey when I relapsed I was depressed, disappointed and ashamed. After I joined to Reboot Nation and relapsed I took a time to consider why did I relapse.

Was it out of boredom? Something has happened to me a few days earlier? A picture or a comment of somebody? Noticing these small things will help you with the process. Don?t dwell on it. Learn from it and be better, because mistakes are your way to grow up as a person.

?Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.? George Santayana

It?s useful to discover your triggers. If you are aware of them, you will be more careful when facing them. Most common triggers are being alone and have nothing to do, because everything beside porn seems boring. There are lots of things we have in common, but some things are unique just for you.

When the urge comes, there are many methods how you can fight them. Best thing you can do when the urge pass, is to go away from computer. Workout, meditate, go for a walk (preferably in nature) or take a cold shower. What saved me many times was NOFAP emergency:

Compare yourself only to yourself
?The only person you should try to be better, is the person you were yesterday.?

There are hardly two people on the world with the same life experiences. Yet we have this need to compare ourselves with others. I compared myself to other as well. I compared myself to people with partners, families, had earned more money and so on. In return I got even more depressed.

Rather compare yourself to yourself. Things you couldn?t manage last month are not so scary now. Things you couldn?t even imagine a year ago are now part of your daily life. Do you know what it is? Progress.

I know it?s impossible to compare yourself only to yourself all the time. I can?t do it and I don?t expect you to do it either. But when you are focusing on improving yourself and things you can control you will be happier with yourself.

?Anything that I?ve ever attempted I was always willing to fail. You can?t always win, but don?t be afraid of making decisions. You can?t be paralyzed by fear of failure or you will never push yourself. You keep pushing because you believe in yourself and in your vision and you know that it is the right thing to do, success will come.? ? Arnold Schwarzenegger

Fear. That terrible thing which is stopping us in many ways. Fear will be always part of you, but it?s up to you how you will react. You will let it paralyze you or you will learn how to use it to motivate you.
There are two major fears in my life which are forcing me to be better:
1. Fear of who I was before - I was a man who hated himself deeply and who was always full of reasons why this and that cannot be done. I never want to be that person ever again.
2. Fear of wasted life ? For me every single day is an opportunity how to become a better person. I know that I am here for a limited time and one day I will die. I don?t want to spend my last days regretting things I haven?t done, but instead be proud of the things I have accomplished.

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man.... Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

10. Share with others
?Love is not lonely.?

You are not a bad person and you are definitely worthy of happiness and love. Yes, you made a mistake, so did I and many others. This doesn?t make you a terrible person. But I have to warn you ahead. You hardly beat this addiction completely alone! Read that sentence again.

That?s a good reason to find a help from group sessions or a therapist. But be aware, that you might have to educate him first, because he/she might not have a clue about porn addiction. Once again, one of the best sources on this topic is thanks to scientific studies.

[size=18pt]Join a community

Another great method how to successfully reboot is to create an anonymous account. There are many people like you who have similar problems thanks to porn. And they also want to beat their addiction as much as you want to beat yours.

Writing your journal and sharing your story will be uncomfortable. It is a big step out of your comfort zone. I remember I was writing my first post on Reboot Nation for half a day because it was very uncomfortable for me, but I knew it was necessary.

You don't have to write here every day. I know it's a noble goal, but in a way you are still thinking about porn instead of focusing on your life. But it's good to write some updates from time to time. Many times I've witnessed newcomers who were promising to update daily. It didn't take a long and I've never heard of them again. I think writing once in a week is a good period to reflect where are you standing. What do you think?

It may take a time before you get any reply to your journal. Don?t get discouraged by that. In the meantime write to journals of other rebooters. A few words of encouragement will help them a lot. And if you think you can give them advice or pointing out on their situation from different angle that helps as well. It will give them something to think about. In return they will help you and encourage you as well.

Just be aware that some people might not like your suggestions. I have caused a few situations where instead of helping people I scared them off. It?s because I am direct and honest about what I think, and that wasn?t comfortable to them. Also don't try to force them, because they will more likely do opposite of what you wanted. Everybody has some flaws, so keep that in mind.

I also recommend reading stories of other rebooters, not just successful. You?ll find interesting points and ideas, which will help you with your recovery.

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Tell your partner
?The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.? ? Elisabeth K?bler-Ross

If you have a partner, she deserves to know your struggle as well. But if you have just discovered you are addicted, give it some time before you understand it. When you?ll be explaining this to your partner, you?ll have solid arguments. Just don?t wait too long, you might regret it.

If you have problem to tell her about your problem directly there are many methods. You can write her a letter or an e-mail. Your partner already knows that something is off, but she blames herself for it. If you don?t believe me, read stories in Partners of Rebooters.

Thing is, you are risking your relationship, because when you tell her this, your partner will feel betrayed. If your partner stays with with you after your relevation, it means she still loves you! There is a chance it will strengten your relationship, but you have a lot of work ahead. I don?t know what situation you are in, so decision is up to you. But I believe you should tell her anyway.

How to win her back
I?ll borrow following tips from Trustandnewbeginnings, because women know what to do way better that I ever possibly could:
1) Honesty and Transparency
Give her the truth about everything if you haven't already. Consider formal disclosure with a therapist if there is anything major she doesn't already know about. To move forward after all the lies that PA creates, you have to be an open book and to do that you need to have a clean slate with everything on the table so she knows what she has been dealing with.

There may be moments of your past together that she has been questioning all along, this will finally give her the closure she needs to begin healing. Also, if you slip up from here on out, you have to tell her. Don't leave it for her to find out on her own, trust me, she will and you will be set farther back than you would have if you had just told her in the first place. 90% of the betrayal most spouses feel is from being lied to, no more lies.

2) Work on Yourself
For her to see change you need to actually change! Being active on here is a sign that you are already doing this! Get a therapist, get an accountability partner, and write a journal and keep daily logs of your emotions and notes of your day.

Most of all though, you can't just be doing this for her. If you are "changing to keep her" then you will fail. You need to find reasons to change for yourself. Once you dedicate yourself to being clean for your own personal reasons your behavior will change and she will notice.

In the first few weeks of the reboot I could tell that my husband was simply doing it to keep me. I knew that this "selfless" motivation was actually the most selfish one he could have found and it kept me up at night with worry that he would never come around and we would soon be divorced. A few weeks later he woke up and realized that there were plenty of reasons to do this for himself, and that was the turning point that gave me hope.

It wasn't in his words it was in his actions after he made that decision to change for himself. Once you commit to changing for yourself you will change for the better as a person and she will absolutely pick up on it. I have so much more respect for my husband now, despite now knowing what he did behind my back in the past, than I did before I knew and he was hiding everything.

He has taken charge, is getting things done, is patient, kind, and unselfish. He is far more masculine now than he's ever been before, I don't know how else to describe it. Let?s be honest, putting things off, not taking the lead, being impatient and selfish and beating off to images of women are considered traits of an acne covered teenager that lives under another man's roof, not those of a man. Become a true man and you will find your wife will begin to look at you in a new way, and have a hell of a lot more respect and desire for you!

3) Pursue Her
Think back to your dating days, what was that like? Did you open doors, take her on dates, get dressed up for her, listen, consider what she wants? There's a good chance you did, and if not then now is the time to start. This will come much more naturally after step two above because you will be far less selfish and will pick up on her desires far more readily.

Pursuing her shouldn't be limited to sexual advances though. You need to win her over through friendship as well. Make her laugh again, be her confidant. Be there for her emotionally because almost every women here on the PA partners forum can tell you how draining it has been being with a PA who simply wasn't there for her, cut off emotionally with his head in some porn cloud daze while you self medicated all your emotions with this numbing garbage. Think about things she wants, and if you don't know then ask her![/size]

I think that metal22 summarized a bad attitude of addicted partners very well:
[size=16pt]If you want to recover, and you want your wife to heal, you will have to work very hard. One of the things I've had to dispense was my attitude. I will admit I've been working hard on fixing what I've done.  At first,  I think I was doing it just to please her and make a quick fix on the situation so we could move on.  It wasn't working and frustration built on both our parts.

I have had to remove my pride and any sort of entitlement. In the past, when I've worked really hard I feel like I had an entitled attitude about it. I would feel like I "deserve" to basically have my ass kissed so to speak. It would come down to this attitude "i've been working extra hard, so you have no right to bitch at me." It has taken a bit of time but I've made some progress with that attitude. I don't deserve my wife and every minute of every day should be with the appreciation that she chose to still be with me. I feel like our wives need to actually feel loved before any real healing can occur.

11. To masturbate or not, that?s the question
"Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty." - Frank Herbert

When it comes to masturbation I prefer approach: If you have an urge, then masturbate. But don't use porn for it or a fantasy. Just focus on the pleasure alone. You need to accept you are sexual person and stop being ashamed for it.

I think it is better to masturbate from time to time without porn than risk another serious relapse with porn. I am aware of chaser effect and that is the reason why I am doing it only when the urge is really strong.

I respect if you have a different opinion on this topic and I'm not saying you have to masturbate. But what is more important to you? Reach 90 days or reboot successfully? For me it?s the second option and I am willing to wait a longer period of time even with masturbation.


We all want to have a fulfilling sexual life with our partner, that?s one of the reasons why we do this. But thanks to porn we rewired ourselves to artificial stimulant, so it will take time before your brain return back to original form. Nevertheless it doesn?t mean that you cannot go for the real thing. Quite the opposite, it will faster you recovery.

But if you ejaculate too fast or chaser effect in too strong after sex, consider a pause from sex for some time. There are still several things you can do with your partner. I?ll use tips from Gracie:

We stay in bed together every night, all night.
We sleep naked. (I read somewhere, not associated with PA that couples should do this to stay connected. It helped and worked.)
We sit together on the couch.  No one in a chair.
We kiss hello and goodbye each time we leave the house and come back.  (Not just going to work)
We cuddle.  Full body hugs in bed every morning and every evening while in bed naked.
No getting up if we can't sleep.  We turn light on and read.
We touch when we talk about the porn and relationship.  (feet, hand, arms just touching.  Holding is okay too)


Active Member

12. Look how porn industry works​

"Stop the demand!"

Look on the other side of barricade, just to know what it is like there. In videos, porn stars look like goddesses with all that make up. Look at them without it. You would be surprised, how they look in real life.

For many people porn is just business like any other. There is a supply and demand. A lot of porn stars, though they look so sexy and wanting in the videos, are feeling miserable in the real life. Read confessions of retired porn star or stories of people who had some encouters with porn industry to get the idea:, I also recommend watching
TED Talk Why I stopped watching porn and the document Hot Girls Wanted.


In my introduction I spoke about discovering my sexuality. In book called The Alabaster Girl by Zen Perrion I found something that resonated with me deeply:

"Here's something I've never heard anyone say before: The greatest lovers please only themselves in bed. What? Yes, you heard me right. I will say it again: The greatest lovers please only themselves in bed. Why do I insist on saying such controversial things? Yes well, let me attempt to explain...

There are three stages in the sexual experience of a man. In stage one, he is a little lost in bed. He's not sure what to do, where to touch, where not to touch, or just exactly what works. He tries various things, fiddles with a knob or two, speeds up when she breathes deeply, slows down when she doesn't. Smart women will pretend to enjoy it, giving him little taps of guidance and sounds of encouragement. Smarter ones will talk him gently through it, leaving nothing to chance, telling him exactly what they like best.

Later in life, if he has paid attention and has a desire to learn, he eventually moves on to stage two. He is now considered to be 'good in bed.' He has more experinece now. Perhaps he has even read a book or two: on the basics of female anatomy, on how to touch a woman, on the notion that 'she comes first'. and all that.Women enjoy the experince with him now, for he knows what he's doing, he knows what feels good for her. If you ask women, they will say that, yes, this is exactly the kind of man they want in bed.

Se here's my novel notion: The best lovers are the ones who did their time in stage one, then moved on to stage two, spending years punching that particular time-clock, and now have moved on to stage three. This is a stage very few men will ever attain, but when one does, it is remarkable indeed!

A man in stage three pleases himself, not her. For he has come to the profound realization that by pleasing himself, he is ultimately pleasing her. He does exactly what he wants to do to her and when he wants to do it. He goes down on her because that's what pleases him. He turns her over into a new position, then changes his mind and turns her over again, because that's what pleases him. And he is constantly describing to her, in glorious detail and in a low and vibrating voice, exactly what he is doing to her in that moment and what exactly what he is about to do to her in the next.

In other words, he has his way with her. He uses her. He bends her over. He pleases himself... through her body! And in doing so, he takes a woman to places in her mind where she has never been - soaring anthems of emotion, waves of pleasure, an entire opus of imagination.

Here is an extremely important point: A man can never successfully move to stage three without a thorough understanding and volumes of experience in stages one and two. And he certaily cannot move directly from stage one to stage three. There are absolutely no shortcuts. You can't have one without the other.

A man in stage three is the quintessential lover, he has pleasure embedded in his fingertips. The essence of the lover shines through everything he says and everything he does. He knows how to touch a woman, and he uses that knowledge to enhance his pleasure, thereby enhancing hers."

13. Return after some time

"If someone is going down the wrong road, he doesn't need motivation to speed him up. What he needs is education to turn him around."- Jim Rohn

When you first hear about porn addiction, you learn information (I hope) what to expect and how to beat the addiction. When I was reading Tools for change for the first time, I thought I understood it. That it was clear. Yet I had problems and I was struggling with the process.

I was fighting for 8 months, but I mostly managed to hold on for a week and then relapse. After many failed approaches I returned back to YBOP. On the same site I understood what I did wrong, because this time I have experienced the process myself.

It's a good thing when you return after some time, because you will see things under new circumstances. You will realize new things, which will help with your reboot.

If my way of recovery doesn't help you with your process
you can always try another one. As I said at the beginning this is not the only way how to sucesfully reboot.

Last words

When I started rebooting I hoped for something great after accomplishing 90 days challenge. What I got was a life-changing experience and lesson I will never forget. Thanks to it I am better person than I ever was. I am grateful for discovering this addiction and having a chance to fight it. But I never want it to repeat again.

I wish you good luck on your journey and hope you will have a better life from now. That you will live your life as you always wanted.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." - Oscar Wilde

And if this post helps even to one person, it was worth all the time I was writing it. More so if you think this article can help another person, feel free to do so and share it. That's all I can ask of you.

"Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the each before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said,
'It made a difference for that one.'" - Loren Eiseley
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Active Member
Epic set of posts. One of the most inspirational, concise and  comprehensive articles of advice on porn addiction.

I cannot thank you enough for this. It'll take me many days to process it all. So much to take on and learn. Invaluable.


I put a link to this thread on my post at Nofap.  You are putting in the effort, I want to be successful in this, as in all things.

Will I AM


Well-Known Member
you said some things that were totally true. And it starts with admitting.

Furthermore, I totally liked what you said about refreshing. Reading that stuff once doesnt help. This stuff must be in the blood.


Well-Known Member
Good Morning Hablados,
the more I think about your entry, the more I like it. You have some very wise stuff in there: "Your problem is you firmly believe that life awaits you after reaching 90 days. Until then you are waiting for an opportunity, magical moment, anything like that and your life will be great afterward! I hate to disappoint you, but this opportunity will never come. Or to be more precise, it won?t come in form you hope for."

This is totally true. After 90 days, life is not great or better. We are just starting to face life as it is.
TiramiSu said:
Good Morning Hablados,
the more I think about your entry, the more I like it. You have some very wise stuff in there: "Your problem is you firmly believe that life awaits you after reaching 90 days. Until then you are waiting for an opportunity, magical moment, anything like that and your life will be great afterward! I hate to disappoint you, but this opportunity will never come. Or to be more precise, it won?t come in form you hope for."

This is totally true. After 90 days, life is not great or better. We are just starting to face life as it is.

This is kinda what I am afraid of. I am nearing towards the end of my hard mode reboot and I have been out of the flatline since day 60 or so. I have extreme urges to have intimacy, sex, etc. but the fact that I live in a very conservative area with no places to meet with women even for chitchat is making it really difficult. I don't know how I'll start to rewire. I am pretty optimistic about life in general but I am just not sure how I'll go on after day 90.


Active Member
WOW! Thank you guys for the replies.
I don't know how I'll start to rewire. I am pretty optimistic about life in general but I am just not sure how I'll go on after day 90.
For this reason I recommend to take time and write your personal vision. Now you are probably just focusing on reaching 90 days. When you have your vision, you will focus more on your life and when you pass 90 days, you'll still have something you can work on. It's the plan that helps you out of this.

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Wow! Congratulations and just thank you! This is really inspiring in so many ways and just what I needed as I had entered a little motivational crisis.


Well-Known Member
hablados:"For this reason I recommend to take time and write your personal vision. Now you are probably just focusing on reaching 90 days. When you have your vision, you will focus more on your life and when you pass 90 days, you'll still have something you can work on. It's the plan that helps you out of this."

I think it is a combination of both. Before I always had massive goals to be next billionaire, but I always fucked up. So I think untraining bad patterns and learning about positive patterns should go hand in hand.  So I have a lot of goals at the moment. But one of the goal is to get rid of this addiction. And realistically getting rid of an addiction takes more than 90 days. I was addicted for 23 years. So I have a lot of mental cleaning up to do.


Staff member
Just giving this a bump.  It is such a good thread.  All of these things are important whether you are married or not.  And for the unmarried, I want them to know once they kick this, girls will notice you more.  When I was single, nothing was worse than having a guy look at you like he was fantasizing about sex and you were naked.  And yes, it is obvious!  Once you are able to stop that, it makes all the difference in the world when you meet women.


Gracie said:
Just giving this a bump.  It is such a good thread.  All of these things are important whether you are married or not.  And for the unmarried, I want them to know once they kick this, girls will notice you more.  When I was single, nothing was worse than having a guy look at you like he was fantasizing about sex and you were naked.  And yes, it is obvious!  Once you are able to stop that, it makes all the difference in the world when you meet women.

Guess what? I have and always will want to see an attractive woman naked. I think you might be missing the point of porn addiction recovery.

The difference in relations with women springs from a lack of shame about our sexual desires as men, and the boost in confidence that results ;)

Most of the women i've met appreciate when a man finds them physically attractive, all the more if that man has the confidence to voice his appreciation (politely of course).


Active Member
@hablablos  Thanks so much for putting this together. It's informative and inspirational. Some of these things I've done on my own because I've been stumbling in the dark, trying to piece together a reboot. It took me two years before I said enough failure is enough and I found this forum. It's good to learn why some of the things I've done have worked and why others that should have worked failed. It will take me a few days to make my notes, but my first goal is to have a better plan.

Also thanks for the reading list!


Staff member
Read back through this.  It is so true.  After being on YBR and here, I just want to point out something I have noticed in journals. 

It is important to tell your partner.

First reason:  Discovery is the most traumatic way to find out about our husband/boyfriend's porn addiction.  It is also traumatic for you.  You are not ready to talk and we feel heartbroken.

Second reason:  In the journals of those who choose not to tell and attempt to recover, I read more entries about relapses and still feeling disconnected.  There is not much motivation to change if you are still keeping the secret.  Trust me, as a wife, I finally came to the conclusion that he either had someone else or was actively looking.  Sex was once a week if that.  So had he suddenly become attentive and kind and loving and lovemaking not screwing, I would have thought he got rejected by that unknown female.  We know something is wrong, tell us.

Mr. H has done a great job here.  Remember this is not about the penis.  It is about the thoughts in your head that made porn take the place of human interaction.

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
Hey H, you've done some great work.

I agree so much with what Gracie says about informing one's partner because you can't "fix" a relationship when only one person knows what the issue is and the other is kept in the dark. Porn addiction inevitably creates a void in the relationship and the uninformed partner will sense it even when they don't know what it is.

I have to take issue with the "stage 3" of being the great lover. It sounds totally horrendous! Being turned over into one position and then turned over into another whilst "Casanova" is telling me exactly what he's going to do to me..... no!!!!! That just sounds like a totally selfish bastard. The know we're all different in our likes and dislikes but that is a description of a man I would definitely make my excuses and get away from ASAP!

Other than that, you've done a lot of good work and I hope it helps a lot of people who are struggling.


Active Member
Gotta agree with Emerald here. That stage 3 lover guy would never see me again, and I'd warn all my female friends away from him too. Lol