IMNOBODY's Journal

[IMNOBODY]

OMG! After PMO all morning long (all week for that matter) .........I just decided and got the power to destroy 15 years worth of INTERNET porn collection with over half of it being OC  :'( . Smashed all the flash drives that I had to pieces and flushed it down the toilet. Im freaking out right now. I am beyond scared and think Im going to have a break down. seriously Im starting to have hot flashes.

It will be a long road ahead and very painful one.

 

[imnipper]

BAM!!!!  I'm sure you are freaking out....hang on.  Hold on.....

No regrets.  Know this:  what you are feeling right now WILL change.  It ALWAYS does.  Until the day you die.

This is not going to kill you.  Go for a walk.  Take a cold shower.  Do not go back.

You've got this.

 

[IMNOBODY]

I hear ya imnipper.

So day 1 (yesterday) went smoother then expected as I was concentrating on work all day. I'm self employed and work at home in my shop. I think those who are self employed and spend time on the Internet are more prone to PMO. I'm home all day, alone and no boss to answer to.

Anyhow late in the afternoon a friend called me to complain about his wife. He wants to leave her. Found out she is cheating on him with only 2 1/2 years into the marriage. Told me all about how he was able to recover all her deleted text messages from her phone, including images she took and sent. He went into detail which of course included NSFW material. Described in detail all the nude images he found of her she was sending to multiple guys. Over 600 text messages was recovered and most where sexually graphic. All I kept thinking throughout the whole conversation is this is all I need to hear right now. Oh great just what I need while in recovery. All that came to my mind was trigger, trigger, trigger.

 

[IMNOBODY]

What a rough night I had last night. I think I had a boner the whole night. I dreamed of my love for social media Porn. I miss it so much already. It is depressing knowing I?m never going to be able to check in on my girls.

It is just now dawning on me I will never see again the college girls, moms and grandmothers all who have all been good to me over the years. I will surely miss my 50 year old tax accountant/preparer, the successful real estate agent, the female corrections officer, the part time female school bus driver, the highly educated doctor at a major university, the stay at home mom, all the nurses, the female truck drivers and yes even a pastor?s wife, ALL who supplied me with an endless amount of dopamine  for years. It?s killing me right knowing I destroyed all their files I had on them from years and years of watching and collecting. We are talking over 500 gigs of files. Pixels and videos!

To me this was not fake porn. These were real people I mentally connected to. I had names to faces, hometowns, birthdates, maiden names, etc??. If they were actors and or willing participants and had intentionally uploaded their private life moments my dopamine levels would remain very low, ED would kick in and I would show little interest if any.

I?m ashamed to say; YES I am a recovering hardcore voyeur. You see I?m different from most PMO addicts. I didn?t go to porn sites to get my fix. To me the stuff posted on those sites is fake and non-appealing. Just like Playboy and pay per view XXX is. Of course in the pre internet ages that was where I got my porn from, to M too, just like the rest of you older souls did. But in this day and age there is so much more.

My porn addiction came from unintentional mobile uploads to social media namely photo sharing sites like Photobucket, uploads that weren't meant for me or anybody to see, unsecured live web and security cams in people?s homes and business was also a major contributor that supplied my sick and demented mind with unlimited amounts of dopamine. And yes, the Apple iCloud was yet another bank vault to my style of fetish.

Now all that is gone. I feel alone and lost. One of the worst triggers for me is when I?m standing in line at the checkout counter behind a female, and I see that cell phone in her back pocket or in her hand. After years and years of exploring my fetish, I know what?s on those phones; I know what they do with those phones behind closed doors. It didn?t matter what age or race. I?ve seen it all. I lived for it day in and day out.

God help me for I have sinned??  :'(

 

[imnipper]

Good job, Nobody.  I am right there with you.  I had put all my lovers and friends behind a curtain and tried to pretend that they weren't there (and was successful for a week) but I lost control and PMO'd before actually blocking or deleting them.  Still, two steps forward, one step back.

I'm glad I have this forum and the unlimited resources that it provides.  I have about 6 tabs open on my computer that include NoFap posts, YBOP posts and RN posts.  I'm trying to redirect as much energy into devouring these posts as I have in PMO in the past so you will see me posting and can know that I am watching you.

Keep up the good work.

 

[1qqq1]

You can do it man. Weather your choice is paid actors, candid photos or actual cams.  It all boils down to feeding the fantasy. Change the things you look at and the things you look at change. I felt loss and a panic when I first got rid of my stash. But it was freeing as well. To be able to walk around without carrying that load will eventually give you some peace of mind. I know how scary it is but do whatever you can at this point to not fall to the temptation. It so is to go back, we are not going that direction.

 

[IMNOBODY]

Thanks guys! Glad you read my post.

Coming up on day 3 and I?m freaking out. Again I woke up with a woody while dreaming of sex and porn. I am literally sitting her and my leg is shaking a million miles an hour. Usually at this time of day (YES @ 5AM EST) I?m checking my feed reader for the latest updates of accidental uploaded oops from my ?list? of contacts, all the while edging. But right now I?m on RN fighting the urges. I have to go into that account (Feedreader) and delete it so all of my resources are destroyed and lost forever. I can do it easily without viewing any of the content so I?m not concerned. It will be done in less than 30 seconds. It?s been over 3 days since I last checked it and I know for a fact I?ll have over 3000 newly updated thumbs sitting there to scanned through. All of my porn is gone forever as previously mentioned so it?s time to kill the Feedreader list. It?s time to let them go. They never knew I was there watching them day after day, month after month, year after year. Edging to their entire life, anticipating that the next mobile upload from her (them) would be that nude selfie and or sex act. More than often it was.

It?s OK; you can label me the creeper, the Internet stalker, because that?s what I was. No denying it. And here?s the shocker, there was absolutely no hacking, password stealing and or illegal entry into these accounts. Most of it was due to people not knowing how to operate and manage their security settings on their phone. I exploited that to feed my addiction. I will bet $$ that over half of my unsuspecting uploaders didn't even have a clue they were uploading their mobile pics to their photo sharing account. Damn that bundled software on that new smartphone!

I?m already becoming moody and pissed off that I won?t be edging and PMO?ing.  My mind is starting to flash memories of my past edging sessions. This really sucks.

 

[imnipper]

Yes, it does suck.  Stay focused.  Remember why you are here and know that I am suffering and on the same trajectory, too.  Remove whatever temptation you can (I installed K-9 software on my computer for free and it is not letting anything that could tempt me slip through...and it is free).

Whenever you are tempted, come back here and type.  Even if it is a ramble, just distract yourself.  The temptation will pass.

We can do this.

 

[IMNOBODY]

Porn has been on my mind all day. I keep thinking of what I am going to give up. I had a major trigger alert this morning. a young girl I know personally told me about some guy who posted her facebook pics along with nudes on a revenge porn site this past week. She assured me it was not her in the nudes and that she was calling the police on this guy. I was so tempted to look her up on the site in question as I am very familiar with it. Ive never seen this girl nude and have known her, her sister and mom for over 20 years. But I backed down. I know damn well the pics are of her that this guys posted and she is just trying to maintain her conservative image by denying it is her on that site. Why couldn't this of happened a week or two ago! 

In other news, I did mow the lawn today (2 acres), got some work done in the office and went for a bike ride. Took a shower and now am relaxing cruising RN with a seltzer.

 

[imnipper]

Good for you for getting out and keeping moving and surfing RN and other positive stuff.  You might want to add the K9 blocker.  It seems to work.  That way, if you try to go look at the pic, you won't be able to.

For what it is worth, I am discovering that the "cravings" and the thoughts ebb and flow.  Yesterday was almost unbearable and the night before last was horrible.  Today is better. 

Nights are much more difficult.  During the day, I am able to keep my mind focused on work and other activity but it is when I am done with the day that I am most challenged.

Keep up the good work!

 

[IMNOBODY]

Thank you imnipper

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hi IMNOBODY

Good on you brother.  Smashing your stash is a great step toward freedom. 
Yes, there will be hardship in your future.  The fact is that we can't get the reboot without standing against a painful temptation, riding it out until it passes.  We have told ourselves that "It is just too hard."  and given in.  (I don't have to do a research project to know this!  HA HA!) 
But the fact that you did destroy your collection shows a step that will be hard to go back on.  that is why you are having such a strong reaction.  It is the addiction telling you that you "need it."  Which you don't so try to be asking yourself what is the real truth in any given thought that comes to your brain right not.  Fact is, for us addicts, we have a lot of cherished lies, in our heads.  But you are on the way out.  With every "NO" to temptation you really are giving your brain a rest and a chance to rewire.]
If you read the scripture I encourage you to do that.  Don't make this a big assignment that is just another something to beat yoruself up on, but see it as feeding your mind the things of life.

Work your way through a Gospel -- Perhaps Mark, or John,
and so a few of the Psalms every day.  the Pslams were the prayer book of the Bible Characters and they reflect all the emotions that we suffer through.  IF this counsel doesn't help you, no sweat, but find other things to read.  (like "your brain on porn" articles and of course these forums.

You have shown a courageous step in dumping this long term porn collection.  If you are like me you may see porn has having been your friend.  After all we turned to it in times of trouble, and in times of rejoicing.  We were familiar with it and so we thought it was doing us well, but the fact is porn has hurt us.  How tragic it is that the very porn we used to explore sexuality has in fact wounded our ability (in many cases) to perform sexually.  In my case porn has definitely made me passive and insecure. 
The testimony of the REBOOT community is that all of these things get better as we bet our brains rewired. 

Keep going.  You are actually much further than you know.



I remember one of my earlier attempts at recovery.  I was writing about a failure and an accountabily partner told me that I was far too long in the process to be having such relapses.  He asked me if I had a porn filter on my computer.  I didn't.  I had convinced myself that I didn't need one.  Truth was I was only half serious about recovery. 

Do you have a filter on the porn/ social media? sites?

Hope this helps.

 

[IMNOBODY]

Thank you for that post RuntoSpirit.

Coming up on day 4 with no P and no M. The longest ever in many years.

I literally had tears in my eyes a few moments ago while checking in on my facebook feed. A fried had just posted a ton of pics of his deep sea diving trip. The tears were for that I could not go through and look at his pics. Because I knew he would have some of his hot wife posted while she wore her bikini. That would have been a trigger knowing she is real and not a model posing for the shot.

I am literally on the edge right, thinking of PMO'ing  but first will edge for hours on end. I'm so close to a relapse its tearing at me.

But there are two things that have me holding the brake.

The first is that I destroyed everyones categorized files and I know I cant go back and just get the destroyed pics and vids because they don't exits any more. For starters the over 500 gigs I had, I never shared with anybody and never uploaded them to a back up. The thousands of unintentional mobile uploads I ripped to my harddrives's had a life span of about 24 to 36 hours of live net time before they were deleted either by software, the actual uploader or admin of the site they were uploaded to.  So Im screwed in a big way on that deal.

The second stopper right now is me reminding myself how I felt after every 8 hour edging session followed by full blown PMO, day in and day out. Outrage, out of control anger, and yes suicidal thoughts.

I really hate myself right now. One for getting so deep into this addiction, and second, for giving it up.

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hello there IMNOBODY,

I am taking in the depth of your struggle.  Yes you are regretting that you can't look at your friend's pictures because you know there will be a picture of his hot wife in there.  BUT you did follow your plan of recoveryin this.  YOu did resist opening the pictures.  There will come a time when you can look at those pictures and not get pulled into this kind of deep longing.  You will have more freedom.  You went for 4 days without PMO which as you say is "the longest ever in many years."
You may not see it, but there is a real sign of hope in this.
It sounds like you are facilating over your having destroyed your stash.  On one hand you are glad you did, but on the other you are sorry as you would like to have it handy.  THis facilation will change, but you can speed that process by expressing thanks that you dumped it.
Tell youself that though you may not feel it  you belive that you are going in the right direction.  If you are not making any progress then at least you are facing the right direction.  Your brain is heading into a big rewire, but it is going there.  It sounds like you are having withdrawl symptoms.
Are you exercising?
I read today on a pornrecovery site that we need to eat well, sleep well, and drink lots of water.  THese sound simplistic, but it makes sense that it would be important to do them while we are under the stress of a detox (which is what you are)

Lastly I want you to be good to yourself.  The fact is that you are important.  You are much more than an addiction.  Know that, belifver that and speak that truth.  Make yourself do it, even if it feels false.  It is true whether you belive it or not so speak good things.  Personally I think it is amazing that you have kept on as you have.  I congratulate you on that.  Also, when tempted you are able to put yourself in the future and see how you would feel if you succomb to the temptation.  This is a skill/ presence of mind that many on addction acting out do not have. Cherish this skill.  Nuture it. 
The day will come when you will only be thankful thatyou lost and destroyed all the images/vids that you may have used to fuel your addiction.
I know the self-hatred that I have felt when I gave into addition (for me it was porn and masturbation).  SOmehow in this process of walking out we have to simply refust to do the self-hatred.  WE think that we will be stronger if we hate ourselves, but we aren't.  The self hate only drives us to seek the false relief of the addiction. I will be thinking of you.

 

[imnipper]

You are awesome.  It is helpful reading this and knowing that you are out there.  Our reboots are different and the way we articulate them is different but the struggle is the same......I have shed some tears over the last couple of days, too.  I'm not done with Facebook yet but I am inspired by you and am increasingly aware of how I am using it now that I do have the blocker on and don't have access to all the other images.

Today is okay but I think this might be "flatlining" and is the calm before the storm.

Stay strong!

 

[RuntoSpirit]

HI back,
I just checked this before I went off to work and so I am glad to catch your note.  Glad to hear you are getting insight about the Facebook.
I confess I don't really know how to use Facebook well (mecahnically) so I tend to check it about every 6 months.  Also I am new to these forums.  I gather that the connection to my profile shows if you (or anyone replies to a post)  At any rate I wanted to say that I would "enjoy" the flatline while you have it.  I know that sounds funny as none of us want ED in any form, but when there is a lull in the storm I say sleep in it!  In the meantime you can read some of the stuff on addiction.  FOr my own use I have ordered a hard copy of "YOUR BRAIN ON PORN"  and Noah Church's book "Whacked -- addicted to internet porn"  (Not quite the right title, but close.

As you can see too, the typing in these posts helps keep my fingers busy from other things.  I think I am doing all right in these areas, but I want to establish some good alternative habits.
Many encouragements to you.

 

[IMNOBODY]

:-[ :-[ :'(

After posting this morning in my journal I felt like I was going to explode. So at sunrise I jumped on the bike and went for a ride.  It did no good. When I got back my brain demanded I get online and hunt for the moms, wives and grandmothers who have been naughty these last few days while using their mobile devices. I convinced myself I was missing out on a lot of hot new stuff that was being uploaded to the net by the hour. From softcore to full hardcore it?s all out there being uploaded every second of the day, every minute of the day via mobile devices, by everyday ordinary people. Who the hell am I to take that all away from me! I lived and fed on that shit day in and day out. I lost it I lost all control. But it felt so good, it felt so right. It has felt light this big heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulder.


I just completed 4 sessions on PMO. That?s right I PMO?d 4 times today. What a relief!  I am sad I have to reset but this has been the longest I have went without any P or M in years.  4 days seemed like a year to me. I just couldn?t hang in there any longer.

 

[johne5]

IMNOBODY,
I've a read a few of your posts and see that you just relapsed today.  I'm a pretty new member here and only fully committed to really quitting porn last week, but i have already found some great insight here that is helping me fight the good fight.  The tone of your posts show that you are struggling and I think you want to beat this.  Here's a link to post by a member who has beaten our problem and has some great words of wisdom for those of us just starting.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

So, if you're reading this now, maybe in between looking at some porn, close out the tabs with porn and take the time to read what William has to say.  Then decide if you REALLY are ready to quit.  If you're ready, you'll be able to do it.  I beat another addiction years ago.  Something changed in me one day and I simply KNEW that I wanted to quit and would be done with it from that day forward, and I was.  I never went back to it.  I can't tell you how to reach that point, for me it was simply a matter of being tired of being a chained to it and tired of being disappointed in myself.  Good luck.

 

[imnipper]

This is new.  I felt terrible after I had to reset (once) and suspect that it is similar to an eating disorder where one binges and purges. 

It is not healthy and I suspect that you know that and are feeling like shit (I was) for failing.  You have to stop PMO forever.  It will get better and it will get easier but you have to REBOOT and there is no way you can do that if you are binging and purging.  I've been warned about the habit that many on here fall into....no PMO for a period then a break and a cycle of one step forward and one step back.  It gets you nowhere.  I don't want to be that guy in 3, 4 or 5 years that has 500 posts and a counter that is at 10, 20 or 30 days.  Do you?

Be strong and don't look back.  Look forward and make sure that this fail is the last one.  No matter what.

 

[IMNOBODY]

OK another reset today,  :'(  but it was different from yesterday. For one I already had planned on PMO?ing all day since last night. I was so furious I gave up P and basically forced myself into it today. But as the morning went on I found myself limp most of the time and the charge to get that dopamine rush was just not materializing. Edging was difficult to maintain. Guilt was playing on my mind. I spent many hours cruising my feed list (yes I still have it) 99% of the overnight mobile uploads were G rated. A few of my girls are pregnant so some belly shots, standing sideways while fully undress with boobs covered was about it. There might have been a few provocative softcore selfies but that was it. So I moved on to one of the underground file sharing sites I often visited. As usual the sicko boards were filled with individual whole life history files of ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, co-workers, and of course house wives still married to their spouses who see it fit to expose them to the world. Over half the crap was repeated stuff I have seen before and it gets old after a while.

By 1Pm I had enough. I wanted it over. I was getting bored. I can?t even remember what image I finished off to or who I was even thinking about. I don?t feel rewarded and I feel drained.

I am really disappointed not getting past 4 days and it is starting to bug me now. At this moment fresh out of the shower, I feel calm, relaxed and P is the last thing on my mind. I think I?m going to have chicken nuggets for dinner, that sounds good.