New Beginnings

[Delerium]

Hi all,

I'm 47 years old.  I started watching porn in my teens when I found my dad's stash of VHS porn tapes at home.  Back then I did not have the guts to go into a video store, so I ended up watching the same ones repeatedly unless a friend showed me stuff he found.  I also was into whatever magazines I could find. 

I was never confident with girls and even when one I found attractive showed interest in me, I was too paralyzed to do anything and would regret it later. 

I never masturbated because I was raised Catholic and thought masturbation was dirty. My parents told me masturbation was healthy and I started masturbating in my mid 20's. 

In the early years of the internet it was not easy getting pictures and so I was into the sex newsgroups where people made up sex stories and that got the imagination going and turned me on that way. 

Eventually it was too difficult being a virgin, being turned on so often so I discovered prostitution in my mid 20's.  It was an outlet for me but an expensive one.  I didn't do it too often.  I went to strip clubs from time to time and for awhile I was addicted to going because this one club I went to there was a lot of contact and this was not even a VIP room either.  Some girls allowed more touching than others (even kissing and more). 

I ended up being in a few long distance relationships.  It was difficult because you had the emotional connection but not the physical one, well not for months.  I started collecting pictures and later videos off the internet. 

In the longest-lasting LDR she was fine with me looking at porn and getting off so that was not a good thing.  We had a lot of phone sex too.  I got into the habit of getting off with my gf at the time or on porn whenever I got stressed. 

There have been times in the last few years where I have been so stressed I would masturbate up to 3 times a day.  Several years ago I noticed I had ED and I thought it was due to stress.  Before that I had PE.  I always had PE for as long as I can remember.  So several years ago I started taking different things like Viagra and Cialis to get it up.

In the last several months, I found that Cialis can no longer make me rock hard like it used to.  I was already going through some depression on and off because I feel my life has not turned out the way I envisioned it would be at this age.  I thought I would have been wealthy and at least had a partner if not a wife by this time.  So can you imagine when things are so shitty and then you can't even get it up anymore even with medication?  What else can go wrong? 

I heard about rebooting a year ago but did not join.  I believe this latest issue is PIED. 

It's been 18 days since my last PMO.  There have been times where the urge came up.  A week in I was at an airport waiting to take a flight home and this pretty young lady wearing revealing clothing sat across from me.  I did my best to look away and I did not give in to temptation once I got on the plane.  Just now a lady I have been crazy about for the last 3 years came online in skype and I felt my heart beating a little bit faster and the urge came back, but did not give in.  I noticed that each of these times I did not get hard at all.  It would have been a different story in the past. 

Anyways I hate porn now because of how it got me to look at women (ie. sex objects) instead of real beings with souls and also it ruined me sexually.  I'm already self-conscious as it is and the last thing I need is PIED as well as PE.  I realize I have to just focus on bettering myself spiritually, mentally and physically because no amount of fapping will help solve the issues in my life, it's only a distraction, an escape. 

I've been going to this meditation group twice a week now for almost 5 years now and it has helped me a lot so I don't always act out what i feel, I have a bit more self-control.  Unfortunately the woman I love goes there too.  I told her how I felt and she does not feel the same way but still wants my friendship.  Whenever I have any positive interaction with her I get turned on afterwards.  I've made good friends there but seeing her avoid me or not treat me the same was as in the past (we used to hang out and talk alot about different things) only upsets me and I feel frustrated from that.  Sometimes I end up fapping afterwards due to the frustration other times I went and saw a prostitute.  I don't like doing this.  Paying for sex makes me feel horrible.  I have not done this in a few months because of the PIED and also because it causes financial stress.  I'm not sure if I want to date either because of the PIED.

So anyways thinking about leaving the meditation group but I don't know if that would send me into depression because they are like family to me.  They have been a big emotional support for me as well as the lady I really like, she has been very kind to me. 

Right now I'm ok and I realize I need to make a game plan as to how to turn my life around.  I realize the porn was just an escape.

Thanks for listening.


Take care,
Ed

 

[BlueSun]

Hey buddy.

Many of us have a seriously tied up twisted knotted relationship that has porn stuck in at many of the pressure points.  A few of us went to dating apps, prostitution, OCD over sexual orientation, secret keeping... So many ways we get tangled up in order to get off. And in the beginning the cravings can ramp up the crazies of some of our other unhealthy stuff. 

For me, I keep/kept changing what was ok/not ok to do, what was a relapse and what wasn't, and beat myself up a helluva lot.  Sometimes we just have to do that maybe. What helped was being honest, brutally fricking honest, painfully honest in what I really need and then ask for support. There are a lot of guys here who have this beat and have hung around to get chronic relapsers like me to suck it up and face the facts. 

It ain't easy, it ain't pretty.  But I wouldn't do a single thing different. You can do this.

 

[bob]

Welcome Delerium,

We are glad you are here.

For my two cents worth, I wouldn't quite the meditation group. I might talk to the woman you that are interested in to let her know you understand that she doesn't feel the same way you do and that's OK. It may not feel OK to you but tell her that and then don't pursue her. Give her some space, but don't just run away from the group. I bet that the group is a very positive outlet that many of us would love to have.

As I frequently tell new rebooters; Post, Read, and Respond to other here at RN. We are all in this together and are here to be helpful and supportive.

Peace

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

I would definately agree with Bob. Meditation is so calming and as you said it helps with self control. A few years back I was meditating with a group and found this so helpful. It was a real source of strength and I found that group meds were more powerful spiritually. What ever you believe in, something in yourself or a higher power. Connect with that. It is real and it will give you strength when the addiction tells you otherwise. Good luck my friend,  our stories are similar. Only difference is I have been in a few longer relationships in my mid 30s to now (43). Women seem to like me until the frustration of PIED and PE and other sexual issues makes me act like an ass. This acting like an ass and blaming women for my issues is the worst thing for me. I know it starts with quitting P and M for me and possibly remaing single for awhile until I stop beating myself up. If I don't stop beating myself up, it will eventually spill over into my relationships and that damage is serious. Hang in there brother, use the resources at your disposal and trust in your higher power, whatever or however you choose to define it. Fell free to PM me anytime if you have any questions or just want to get something off your mind.

 

[Delerium]

Hey buddy.

Many of us have a seriously tied up twisted knotted relationship that has porn stuck in at many of the pressure points.  A few of us went to dating apps, prostitution, OCD over sexual orientation, secret keeping... So many ways we get tangled up in order to get off. And in the beginning the cravings can ramp up the crazies of some of our other unhealthy stuff. 

It ain't easy, it ain't pretty.  But I wouldn't do a single thing different. You can do this.

Thanks.  During times when I am feeling down, not feeling good about myself are the times it gets tempting to go back to it because it's the only thing that seems to gives pleasure in life.  However I know it's no fix, it's just an escape.  I think the biggest relationship I have to work on is the one with myself.  I have to learn to love myself no matter what happens to me, letting outside forces/events dictate my happiness just hasn't worked and led to a lot of despair. I have to get off that merry-go-round.

 

[Delerium]

Welcome Delerium,

For my two cents worth, I wouldn't quite the meditation group. I might talk to the woman you that are interested in to let her know you understand that she doesn't feel the same way you do and that's OK. It may not feel OK to you but tell her that and then don't pursue her. Give her some space, but don't just run away from the group. I bet that the group is a very positive outlet that many of us would love to have.

Thanks Bob.  We both care about each other and she does check in once in awhile to see how I'm doing.  I care about her as well and I know that if I gave in to the urge to run away it would hurt her a lot and I would probably regret not having her in my life anymore.  She has already made me a better man because she has helped me see women differently because of the time we spent together.  She showed me there is more to women than just whether you have sex with them or not, you are there for each other, you build them each other up and you teach each other things.  She mentioned we have a special connection and I feel it too.  I wouldn't want to lose that. 

I'm trying to look at the bigger picture, the long game and not just think with the other head which has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion.

I believe I am in the flatline mode now.  I have no interest in sex or porn at the moment.  When I see a pretty woman on tv or out on the street I don't get turned on in the mind like I used to. 

 

[Delerium]

I would definately agree with Bob. Meditation is so calming and as you said it helps with self control. A few years back I was meditating with a group and found this so helpful. It was a real source of strength and I found that group meds were more powerful spiritually. What ever you believe in, something in yourself or a higher power. Connect with that. It is real and it will give you strength when the addiction tells you otherwise. Good luck my friend,  our stories are similar. Only difference is I have been in a few longer relationships in my mid 30s to now (43). Women seem to like me until the frustration of PIED and PE and other sexual issues makes me act like an ass. This acting like an ass and blaming women for my issues is the worst thing for me. I know it starts with quitting P and M for me and possibly remaing single for awhile until I stop beating myself up. If I don't stop beating myself up, it will eventually spill over into my relationships and that damage is serious. Hang in there brother, use the resources at your disposal and trust in your higher power, whatever or however you choose to define it. Fell free to PM me anytime if you have any questions or just want to get something off your mind.

Thanks RJ, will keep that in mind. 

I am learning how to love myself so I stop beating myself up. 

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD as well as depression and generalized anxiety disorder. It helps explain some of my lack of impulse control in a few areas of my life.  I'm not saying it's an excuse, I still take responsibility for everything I've done.  It's just another piece of the puzzle.  I read some of the side effects of the ADD-drugs is stuff like sexual dysfunction and insomnia.  I'm willing to give it a try though, see how it goes.  If the meds can help me take better care f myself and my life, then great.  I want to get my life in order before I date again.

I will keep meditating because it stops me from beating myself up and also helps me not act on emotions that come up such as anger, lust etc. 

 

[Delerium]

I have to say since abstaining I feel it has improved my sleep and energy levels.  I hated the "washed out" feeling I'd feel after fapping so much, or waking up tired.  Having good sleep is so important to me because I've had poor sleep for several years. I've tried everything out there but when it comes down to it, I think anxiety is at the root of it. 

 

[Delerium]

So there were a couple of things just now on Facebook that really triggered me.  It brought up the old story, that I'm unwanted, undesirable, so loneliness and frustration came back.  I was so tempted to M to O or even PMO.  I went and did a guided meditation I downloaded from yogaglo.com.  It was about Neti Neti, letting go of identification.  Basically you identify with various things such as your job, how much money you have, what others think of you, what you think others think of you, etc.  It goes on and on.  Main thing for me was not identifying with that old story of not feeling I am enough, that I am unworthy.

This takes constant work, it is so easy to relapse if I'm not careful.  I just have to remember what my triggers are.

 

[Anothertry]

I can relate Delirium, I used to think no-one would want me, and although I'm much more secure than I was, I can still feel bad sometimes.  As a teenager I felt I was so ugly that when I saw the film the Elephant Man, I found myself wondering if I was more ugly than him!  Glad I've moved o from that....

You deserve to be happy, Delirium.  It's great that you're not settling for the satisfaction the internet provides anymore.  You deserve more than that.

Peace.

 

[Delerium]

Thanks Anothertry.

I'm going through a phase of feeling down once in awhile and also feeling horny.  I am so tempted to PMO right now, 21 days into this.  I don't think I have hit the flatline phase yet because it's like some libido is coming back. 

Will stay strong and let it pass. I know if I give in I will regret it. 

 

[bob]

Be strong Delerium,

Your success brings encouragement to others who are working on this process.

So many of the folks I knew who provided such great wisdom are gone; mostly because of successful reboots. One stated, "once you are well, you don't need to stay in the hospital." I am proud of all those folks have accomplish but miss their thoughts and comments. However, those of us are still here need to take up the reigns.

Peace.

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hi Delerium,

I have been reading your posts.  It seems like you are really using your journal in a great way to help you stay strong.
I find your resolve encouraging.  Press on!

 

[Delerium]

I actually woke up fairly hard this morning and it surprised me.  Part of me was tempted to PMO but I didn't.

Sleep hasn't been too bad either.  Almost every day I go through a down period and during those times I'm so tempted to relapse.  I guess that has been a big trigger for me, feeling down then fapping to get the dopamine high and feel good.  The thing is it doesn't treat the underlying cause of why I'm down. 

Getting an action plan in place to improve my life circumstances because I am the only one who can do anything about it.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, you guys are helping me a lot!! 

 

[Gabriel1960]

Welcome D.

We're glad you're here.  Some of us need to stop using porn more than others do. 

 

[Anothertry]

So great to recognise your triggers D - it may be that you need to change something to get out of the down periods - that might work.  It's also worth remembering that feeling up sometimes and down sometimes is normal.  Sounds like the down periods come to an end naturally enough.  I think I can get so used to changing my feelings with PMO I forget that it's natural to feel down sometimes...

 

[Delerium]

So true Anothertry, I need to get used to the down periods.  It's ok to have down periods. 

Anyways, I was diagnosed with ADD about a week ago and I started on my medication today, a low dose of Concerta.  It is stimulating and I think it is helping me focus and I'm able to sit still and do something for awhile.  I don't even think I need coffee to wake me up anymore.

The bad news is that it brought back my libido.  For awhile because I was feeling depressed I had no libido but I'm so tempted to M to O or PMO right now.  I was hypersexual a few years ago and had a bad addiction to porn and prostitutes and don't want to go back to that place again.

I also noticed yesterday I was replacing one addiction with another.  Sure I'm not looking at porn anymore but I've been on Facebook way too much.  I wasted a few hours looking at stuff.  I'm going to make a daily schedule for myself so I can account for every hour and waste less time.

 

[Delerium]

Anyways I burned off the energy I had by doing some HIIT (high intensity interval training) cardio at the gym.  I was no longer horny after that.  Sure there were some good looking women wearing tight clothing there but it did nothing to me and I did not stare. 

Tonight I'm debating whether to go to the meditation group or not.  The woman I really like is there but things got weird between us because I fell hard for her and then she realized that and started avoiding me, even on FB.  I'm gradually letting go of the idea of her as a romantic prospect and coming to accept her as only a friend.  We have a really good connection and still care about each other.  We have been each other's cheerleaders during difficult times. 

One of these days I have to tell her I'm good with being just friends.  I'm going to a singles event tomorrow night that a friend invited me to.  I also texted this one woman who has been talking about doing stuff together but I held off because I was interested in this other lady from the same meditation group. 

The group actually had an event on Tuesday night that I went to. I arrived late while everyone was seated and left early so I didn't have to socialize with anyone and so I avoided talking to this lady friend. 

I got more done today and life is looking hopeful again.  I also did some meditation at home too.

 

[BlueSun]

You are untangling the knots  SWEET!!!

 

[bob]

Delerium,

Your doing great!

I'm gradually letting go of the idea of her as a romantic prospect and coming to accept her as only a friend.  We have a really good connection and still care about each other.  We have been each other's cheerleaders during difficult times.

I got more done today and life is looking hopeful again.  I also did some meditation at home too.

You have showing a great deal of growth with these thoughts. Keep going!

Peace