New Beginnings

A

Anothertry

Active Member
Hi Delerium,

Echo Bob - sounds like you're doing good.  It can be tough when the cravings really hit - I had them last night.  Sounds like a bit of dating could be good.  Give you something to stay away from the P for!

As you may know from my journal I have ADD too.  Although I should probably say that is self-diagnosed.  However I am pretty sure I have it.  There are a number of reasons for that - one being that I did an online test that said if you scored 40% you probably did have ADD, and should see your GP.  I scored 90!  Unfortunately, getting that confirmed by a psychiatrist would cost me about ?2000 and I can't seem to get it done on the NHS.....

I've thought quite a bit about the way that affects this addiction.  I think there are two things. 1) My mind is often frantic, and I really need a way to calm down, some sort of release.  PMO is highly effective at that; although it makes things worse in the long term.  The thing that seems to help best is meditation.  But basically anything I can do to stay calm - country walks, comedy films, singing, remembering to take breaks when I'm working if I'm getting too hyper is good....

2)  The flip-side of ADD - that as well as being very distracted, frustrated and antsy, you can become hyperfocused if you are really interested in something - means that I can get ultra absorbed in P.  At my very worst I've managed 30 hour sessions without even stopping to eat!  Only done that a few times, but...Anyway, it's just important for me to remember how easy it is for my mind to get hyperfocused.  It's a good reason to stay away from P, and for me, also computer games.  I also need to set very clear boundaries about other things that can be absorbing - like, as you mention for yourself, facebook.

Anyway keep on going D - seems like you're doing great!

AT
 
H

hope2reboot

Member
Hi D. Your story sounds a lot like mine. I think I also resorted to PMO and even prostitutes due to my lack of mojo with woman. Even though I'm PMO free for 119 days I'm still really struggling with those feelings and thoughts of feeling unwanted, undesirable, loneliness and frustration. I've had some luck with online dating lately but very limited......lots of rejection :( but I am meeting someone face to face in about a week....hopefully it goes well. One thing that someone posted me during one of my down days was that my positive steps regarding PMO will eventually lead to positive things in my life, which makes a lot of sense to me. I think we miss a lot of opportunities in our lives when we are in the joy and life sucking addiction of PMO. If I am free of it I will at least know that I didn't miss an opportunity due to PMO.

Thanks for your posts.
 
D

Delerium

Member
Hope2reboot,

I totally understand those feelings. Every now and then the unwanted and unworthy feelings come back when I think about the past and all the women who rejected me, including the one recently I fell in love with.  However my logical mind realizes it may not even be about me, it may be her thing as she has been single for years after being in a long and emotionally abusive relationship. 

I totally gave up on online dating because my self-esteem took a beating, but I found guys on youtube who talked about it.  One guy created a fake account as a woman and put a picture of an average woman on it.  He got hundreds of replies.  How can any woman expect to reply to so many?  My psychiatrist said the same thing, his female clients said it's so much work trying to go through all the replies.  Also the male to female ratio is really bad on those dating sites.  So that is why I stay away from them now. 

I went to a singles event last Saturday with a friend.  I was feeling down at the time because I kept thinking about the past.  Later on a few women came to talk to me.  I was sitting at the table and not walking around which is what they encouraged.  Even a couple of guys came to talk to me but it was to encourage me, they felt bad for me.  A couple of women encouraged me to walk around too.  A matchmaker actually came to my table and started talking to me.  I didn't know she was a matchmaker.  She said I'd be a good fit for her client and so she asked for my details.  I don't have to shell out any money.  Her client sounds nice on paper but I'm actually a bit anxious about it as well as excited because I'm not in a good situation right now.  I have good education but looking for a job and I for sure don't want to show anyone my place, it's cluttered and messy.  I'm embarrassed to show anyone my place actually.

There were some pretty women at this event including women wearing revealing clothing.  My buddy and mine were out walking in the street after the event and since it was a Saturday night and lots of bars in the area holy moly lots of very attractive women showing off and wearing revealing clothing.  If it were the old me I would have fapped like crazy when I got home but I did not PMO or M to O that night.  All I did was get a little drunk but a friend told me that is a no no when you are taking ADD medication.

Good thing about the medication I am taking is that I got stuff done yesterday.  I finished updating my resume and sent it off to this internet provider so trying to get this job in tech support.  I don't think I could handle something more stressful.  Bad things about this med is that it causes me to sweat more and I am sleeping less since it's a stimulant.  A good friend of mine said I'm more selfish too, I'm not sensitive like before which she loved about me. 

I went to a Buddhist temple on Saturday to meditate and it was great!  We did two hours of walking and sitting meditation. 

Anyways, made it through the singles event and the weekend.  The fact a few women approached me made me think my situation isn't hopeless, that maybe I'm not unworthy.  However I do need to love myself more because basing your self-esteem on how others (such as women) think about you is a recipe for disaster.  This has not worked for me so I gotta try something different.

Thanks so much you guys for all your support!




 
M

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
You really should clean up your place, man! I know what I'm talking about because I can be very untidy myself. But I think when your house isn't in order, it leads to a more cluttered mind, and it leads to keeping people away from you. If you get your house in order you'll be proud of it and if you really hit it off with somebody you can actually react properly to the situation instead of having to distance yourself from it because your home is off-limits to them. I'd even go a step further and get rid of some old furniture and put some new pieces in. People who have been living in their own cave for a long time forget that a change of scenery is possible. It can really lift your mood. And you might become a more inviting person because you've got a nice place to entertain people.
 
D

Delerium

Member
I stopped taking the ADD medication because the other night I noticed it causing insomnia.  Also a good friend said I was not the same person she came to love, so she noticed a change in my personality.  Last night I had a good sleep so I think my body is getting used to the dosage already.  The last thing I want is another addiction.

Funny thing, I had a really long and strange dream with Charlie Sheen in it (nothing sexual in the dream).  I shared it with my friend and she pointed out he's a serious addict.  I totally forgot about that.  I think he had a sex addiction as well as a drug addiction.

I was feeling down on and off today.  I know I don't fit the standard of what women find attractive. I did not give in but I gave in to food.  Last few days i have not been eating that healthy.  I'm sure I put on weight. 

I wish I didn't care so much about what others think.  I've been this way from when I was young, starting with my parents.  They were strict on me and it seemed to me that they didn't love me if I didn't do well in school.  So their opinion meant a lot to me.  Later on that opinion extended to others, how I thought others thought of me.  It was only in my 40's that I came to realize this was a recipe for disaster.  It's just really, really hard to get rid of this kind of thinking. 

 
 
C

Chip

Guest
You know what women find attractive?  Confidence, how you carry yourself and being able to make them laugh.  Everybody is nervous about meeting new people, what they might think of them.  Thats the key, once you realize all those women are nervous too, you have the advantage.  Don't go in thinking the rest of your life is riding on you getting it right, right now.  Thats too much pressure, just relax and cruise.  Make eye contact, smile and just let it flow.  Be warm, but not needy.  Don't try to make friends or you'll end up in the, "friend-zone" and that sucks.  You'll go from weird guy sitting by himself, too, I wonder who that guy is?  Its a matter of perception, you play the alpha, not an asshole, just realize they are as nervous as you and are 100 times more concerned about how they look.  The good women don't know how beautiful they are. 

Anyway, just thought I'd drop by and say congrats on passing 30 days, 40 was a big turning point for me.  I'm ADD as well, learning that was pivotal on my being able to successfully reboot after many falls.  Keep it up, your trading the fantasy world for the real world, which is way better.  Its more work having real relationships, but it is worth it.  Be open to women who may not be exactly your perceived physical type.  For me, what I thought was my ideal woman was, short, no more than 5-3, dark skin, dark hair and very buxom.  When I let that go is when I met my wife, who is 5-10, fair skinned, blonde and average curves.  We've been married 21 years and I am VERY happy ::) ...

Chip
 
D

Delerium

Member
Hi Chip,

Chip said:
You know what women find attractive?  Confidence, how you carry yourself and being able to make them laugh.  Everybody is nervous about meeting new people, what they might think of them.  Thats the key, once you realize all those women are nervous too, you have the advantage.  Don't go in thinking the rest of your life is riding on you getting it right, right now.  Thats too much pressure, just relax and cruise.  Make eye contact, smile and just let it flow.  Be warm, but not needy.  Don't try to make friends or you'll end up in the, "friend-zone" and that sucks.  You'll go from weird guy sitting by himself, too, I wonder who that guy is?  Its a matter of perception, you play the alpha, not an asshole, just realize they are as nervous as you and are 100 times more concerned about how they look.  The good women don't know how beautiful they are. 
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I've had a few people tell me the same including a few women, that confidence and humor are really important.  I know I've been putting too much pressure on myself all these years and making myself look desperate, which turns women off.  Learning to love myself and not feeling that i'm unworthy because I'm single is a big one comes up.  Thanks for the tip about being friends, I'm usually too nice and generous to people I've just met and this ends up as friends like you said or worse, people take advantage of me. 


Anyway, just thought I'd drop by and say congrats on passing 30 days, 40 was a big turning point for me.  I'm ADD as well, learning that was pivotal on my being able to successfully reboot after many falls.  Keep it up, your trading the fantasy world for the real world, which is way better.  Its more work having real relationships, but it is worth it.  Be open to women who may not be exactly your perceived physical type.  For me, what I thought was my ideal woman was, short, no more than 5-3, dark skin, dark hair and very buxom.  When I let that go is when I met my wife, who is 5-10, fair skinned, blonde and average curves.  We've been married 21 years and I am VERY happy ::) ...

Chip
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That is so great to hear.  I'm finding the temptation coming back a bit stronger now and then.  Every second day or so I feel a bit of depression coming on and I'm tempted to PMO.  I almost picked up a prostitute the other day but changed my mind and drove back home.  I don't need to do that shit.  I don't need a woman to validate me.  I do miss companionship though.

I wonder if I get that depressed feeling because I'm no longer doing PMO, so feeling the downs more often.  Yesterday when I was feeling down I decided to drive downtown and walk around for awhile and glad I did.  It was sunny out and lots of people out and many beautiful women.  I used to feel bad seeing couples but it doesn't bother me anymore.  I guess that is progress.  It's also nice not to see a beautiful woman and not automatically think about having sex with her.  I used to think about sex way too often. 




 
C

Chip

Guest
Have you studied the withdrawals of PMO?  Depression is common.  Check out YBOP. As your brain heals and adjusts to lower levels of dopamine you'll gain confidence and the women will notice.
 
D

Delerium

Member
To try to feel better the other week I turned to junk food for awhile.  It was an illusion.  While it tasted good at the time it led to some weight gain which made me feel worse about myself.  I stopped and did more exercise as well as intermittent fasting.  I'm doing better now.
 
R

RuntoSpirit

Active Member
You are in tune with your body and the effects of junk food on it.  SO too you are becoming wiser of the effects of PMO on your being.  Keep going.  You can do this.
 
C

Chip

Guest
Delerium said:
To try to feel better the other week I turned to junk food for awhile.  It was an illusion.  While it tasted good at the time it led to some weight gain which made me feel worse about myself.  I stopped and did more exercise as well as intermittent fasting.  I'm doing better now.
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There is a long list of withdrawals and mind tricks your brain will play, to get you to give it what it wants, dopamine.
 
bob

bob

Respected Member
Delerium,

You are doing great! Keep up the good work and continue to post as your thoughts are a help to all who read them.

Peace
 
D

Delerium

Member
I looked at the list of withdrawals and the other thing I was doing was that I didn't want to socialize.  I went to my meditation group but what I'd do is arrive late and leave early so I didn't have to talk to anyone.  Oh yeah also last week finally texted the lady I really like and care about and told her I'm good with friendship and that I want to be her friend.  She said she's so glad, she wants to be my friend too. 

This morning I'm feeling irritable and want to M to O really bad, either with or without P.  I'm not feeling so great, kind of restless and weak, feel like I want to go back to bed.  I thought I had no libido for awhile but maybe it's the anxiety making me feel horny. 

I think I better hit the gym later to take away this craving. 


 
bob

bob

Respected Member
Delerium,

Delerium said:
This morning I'm feeling irritable and want to M to O really bad, either with or without P.

I think I better hit the gym later to take away this craving.
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I know the feeling so well. It seems to always be in the front of my mind.

I applaud your decision to hit the gym. Think I am going to do it myself.

Peace
 
D

Delerium

Member
Thanks Bob. 

Well doing intense cardio at the gym helped get rid of the craving. 

I'm also exploring where the anxiety came from and I know if I deal with the cause of it I will be less anxious and won't feel the need to PMO. 

 
C

Chip

Guest
Delerium said:
I looked at the list of withdrawals and the other thing I was doing was that I didn't want to socialize.  I went to my meditation group but what I'd do is arrive late and leave early so I didn't have to talk to anyone.  Oh yeah also last week finally texted the lady I really like and care about and told her I'm good with friendship and that I want to be her friend.  She said she's so glad, she wants to be my friend too. 

This morning I'm feeling irritable and want to M to O really bad, either with or without P.  I'm not feeling so great, kind of restless and weak, feel like I want to go back to bed.  I thought I had no libido for awhile but maybe it's the anxiety making me feel horny. 

I think I better hit the gym later to take away this craving.
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Your hurting...  And your brain wants to make you feel pleasure thru PMO, because we've trained our reward circuit to work that way.  Is friendship really what you wanted?
 
D

Delerium

Member
Chip said:
Your hurting...  And your brain wants to make you feel pleasure thru PMO, because we've trained our reward circuit to work that way.  Is friendship really what you wanted?
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Well of course I wanted more (and I told her how I felt) but we have such a good connection it would be hard to not have her in my life.  The thing is she is a regular part of that group I go to.  If I cannot accept her as just a friend I can't see how I can stay with the group, I'd have to leave.  They have been a big support for me, especially her.  I don't know if I can be friends with her though, we tried that before and I ended up falling for her again. 

I'm worried that if I left I would become depressed again and then there would be a very good chance I'd relapse.

 
 
C

Chip

Guest
Delerium said:
Well of course I wanted more (and I told her how I felt) but we have such a good connection it would be hard to not have her in my life.  The thing is she is a regular part of that group I go to.  If I cannot accept her as just a friend I can't see how I can stay with the group, I'd have to leave.  They have been a big support for me, especially her.  I don't know if I can be friends with her though, we tried that before and I ended up falling for her again. 

I'm worried that if I left I would become depressed again and then there would be a very good chance I'd relapse.
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It's probably for the best to find someone outside the group anyway.  How are you doing with all this?  Are solidly on your feet or wobbly?
 
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