New Beginnings

[Anothertry]

Glad to hear you've found something that works.  For me, the thing that really helps is contacting the unconditional love that flows through everything...some people call that God.  You are already forgiven and blessed, and your only job is to bless all things yourself....

The only difficult thing is to stay in touch with that - so many internal barriers, but if I make the effort to contact it, I am more likely to be PMO free.  And - what I also need to remember - is that if I stay PMO free I'm more likely to be able to contact it....

 

[balanced]

Delirium, thanks for sharing your idea about using prayer, and the benefit is has had for you. Like you, I decided to use prayer to help me recognize the urge when it arose, and acknowledging that the compulsion I was fighting was bigger than I could fight alone. I chose to create a short prayer to St. Michael, my protector, to help me fend off the lie that PMO/MO was not that bad. It worked for me, with some other tools that I used at other times.

Keep up your resolve, count on the strength and love of your God, you can do this with his help.

 

[Delerium]

Glad to hear you've found something that works.  For me, the thing that really helps is contacting the unconditional love that flows through everything...some people call that God.  You are already forgiven and blessed, and your only job is to bless all things yourself....

The only difficult thing is to stay in touch with that - so many internal barriers, but if I make the effort to contact it, I am more likely to be PMO free.  And - what I also need to remember - is that if I stay PMO free I'm more likely to be able to contact it....

That is so cool that you can connect to things like that.  I've been meditating for at least 5 years but mostly with a group and not as much on my own but have not felt this connection yet.  I'd like to though.  I'm going to meditate more on my own because it is still good at calming the mind and taking it away from dark places. 

That is cool that the longer you stay PMO-free the more one is able to connect to that.  That's more motivation to not PMO.

I'm learning to love myself.  I went to the open house yesterday and made it to the interview stage and was asked how I would handle different situations.  I don't know how I did but glad at least I took the chance.  I'm ok if I don't get the job.  It's more of a sales job than I realized so not sure if it's for me.  I don't have a type A personality.  Life goes on. 

Sleep was better last night.  Even with poor sleep two nights in a row the exercise I did on both days helped me a great deal.

 

[Delerium]

Delirium, thanks for sharing your idea about using prayer, and the benefit is has had for you. Like you, I decided to use prayer to help me recognize the urge when it arose, and acknowledging that the compulsion I was fighting was bigger than I could fight alone. I chose to create a short prayer to St. Michael, my protector, to help me fend off the lie that PMO/MO was not that bad. It worked for me, with some other tools that I used at other times.

Keep up your resolve, count on the strength and love of your God, you can do this with his help.

Balanced you're welcome.  I just discovered it's another tool I can use in this journey.  So cool you created your own prayer for it. 

I'm glad it worked for you and I wish you well on your journey too.

 

[Delerium]

So I went to the spiritual group last night for meditation.  The woman I am trying to be friends with was warm and friendly with other men (ie. hugging them and sometimes kissing them on the shirt) there but not with me.  I was lucky to get a hi and smile from her until I was about to leave when I called to her.  As you can imagine I did not sleep well last night and had to resort to taking a sleeping pill last night to help me sleep.

I was getting really angry when I thought about it today.  I decided to hit the gym and do intense exercise to burn it off. It helped. 

I think I have to take a break from the group unfortunately.  I cannot handle being treated differently from others.  I thought she wanted to be my friend. 

I'm feeling better now, but not happy about it.  It's warm in my place (we don't have central air) so going to hit a library to get some work done.

Did not hear back from that company so I know I didn't get the job either. 

Not a great day for me.

 

[Anothertry]

I wonder if it's possible, given all that's happened between you, that she might feel more awkward doing that to you than to others?  That it might have more meaning?

Really sorry to hear about the job too.

Anyway, seems like you've got a good approach.  Understandable that you're angry, being treated differently - particularly by someone you care for  - can sting.  But she is only one person. Working out sounds good.  Do other stuff that makes you feel good. Perhaps go out, meet other people.  Don't let one insensitve person get you down!  There's lots of good people out there!

All the best,

AT.

 

[balanced]

When it comes down to it, we're engaged in helping/improving/changing ourselves for ourselves first and foremost. That means that we're gonna learn our way through this, and we will have to be able to change as needed...walking away from things we have known and been comfortable with, beginning to do other things that are new, challenging and different. And as long as we understand change as being continuous and dynamic we can decide to do what we need to do today. Walking away from the meditation group because the feelings it brings with it are negative is OK...it need not be a lifetime decision, but instead a therapeutic one - "This is what I need to do now to get better". I believe that negative feelings are part of what we go through to get away from this compulsion, so any external sources of negative feelings should be avoided, at least while we are rebuilding ourselves. Give yourself permission to walk away from the meditation group because it's what you need to do today, you can always return later, but don't put yourself into the situation where you build up your hopes only to have them unfulfilled. And I agree with anothertry, there are lots of great people out there...if you are looking for friends, there are lots of people out there who will welcome you as you are.

Stay strong, avoid negativity when you can, invest in yourself...

 

[Delerium]

I wonder if it's possible, given all that's happened between you, that she might feel more awkward doing that to you than to others?  That it might have more meaning?

Really sorry to hear about the job too.

Anyway, seems like you've got a good approach.  Understandable that you're angry, being treated differently - particularly by someone you care for  - can sting.  But she is only one person. Working out sounds good.  Do other stuff that makes you feel good. Perhaps go out, meet other people.  Don't let one insensitve person get you down!  There's lots of good people out there!

All the best,

AT.

Thanks. 

When I think about it and put myself in her shoes, I definitely can relate to what you are saying, maybe she is afraid of getting my hopes up again. 

I know that letting external things dictate my happiness always led me into trouble and I can't let this happen again.  That would definitely lead me down the path to PMO and other addictions as an escape.

I'm going to learn to sit with negative feelings and I'm still working on loving myself too. 

 

[Delerium]

I believe that negative feelings are part of what we go through to get away from this compulsion, so any external sources of negative feelings should be avoided, at least while we are rebuilding ourselves. Give yourself permission to walk away from the meditation group because it's what you need to do today, you can always return later, but don't put yourself into the situation where you build up your hopes only to have them unfulfilled. And I agree with anothertry, there are lots of great people out there...if you are looking for friends, there are lots of people out there who will welcome you as you are.

Stay strong, avoid negativity when you can, invest in yourself...

Thank you Balanced, really appreciate your wisdom and input in this. 

I'm coming to realize that change is one thing that consistently happens in life whether we like it or not and if I become more flexible in how I react then life will become easier.  I do feel I am becoming stronger because I decided to take this non-PMO path.  I feel I've been more honest with myself than I have been in years.  I'm just doing my best to be present and to not give in to worry, fear, anxiety etc.  The depression has not come back in awhile.