Its a process...I guess.

aquarius25

Respected Member
Thank you Malando, I agree. I am very proud of how far we have come but mostly of where we are going. I am more in love with him today than I was the day I said "I do". I feel we both know each other more and we have a much more sure footing with each other. I feel comfortable with him, I feel safe with him, and I feel like what ever comes up we can handle it. 

Life has been good but busy as usual.  Just trying to get everything done.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Enjoyed a great weekend with the family. We got a lot accomplished around our house and in the evening we all sat around the living room reading one evening and the other evening we plays some board games. I love that we spend the entire weekend together and the screen wasn't the center of entertainment. The kids didn't even care. We just enjoyed helping and spending time  together. These moments will be my favorite moments that I will hold in my memory forever.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I have been connecting slowly with a few more ladies and of course porn addiction seems to be a prevalent thing. Ladies don't just come out and say it but it is the little things they don't say. I can almost feel the insecurity oozing off of them. In those moments I usually tend to mention my experience first and inevitably they always say how they are going through the same thing. The awareness of how common this is just hurts my heart. Seeing beautiful and amazing ladies, mothers, doing their best but hurting so much and trying to hold it all together and pretend that everything is just fine. I feel sad for them, for their marriage, their kids. I am thankful that I am no longer there. I don't want to live like that. If everything isn't fine, I want to say that. I want to live transparently. I have so much more happiness, joy, and peace now. So glad to be free from continuing to live in what I think is the expectation of other and just start living for me!
 

bob

Respected Member
It is such a pain isn't it.

I confessed to a dear friend and his response back was that he too is dealing with this and has for a long time. Somehow it has to come out in the open or it will continue to fester. I think many believe they are the only ones with this problem, PA and significant others.

So sad.

Peace
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
What is most puzzling to me is that sex is everywhere, tv, movies, ads, internet, social media, yet no one talks about it.  No one talks about the fallout from being sex centered.  Sex addiction, porn addiction, sexual abuse, sexual assault, significants others of addicts and victims.  It all seems to be taboo.  So all suffer in silence thinking "only me". 

How sad that this seems to be the case.  We must all talk.  We need to shine a light. 
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Gracie & Bob, I completely agree! I find it very freeing to be able to talk about it, my husband does as well. I don't understand why sex is something we don't talk openly about it. I think there would be so much shame removed and isolation would ease as well. I find that as I am more open and approachable and I step out and just live transparently about my life others seem to meet me there. I am realizing that it helps me build friendship based on real honestly and connection. That to me is the type of friendship that I want and really value. The more I delve into learning to love myself and (as a christian) love this creation that God designed the more I realize that I no longer seek the approval of others. I am ok if people don't like me. I understand we are all different and I might not be everyone's cup o tea, that is ok! I don't have time to be everyone friend, lol. I do have time to create real connection and lasting friendships with a few. These relationships are built on trust, honesty, integrity, and transparency, grace, and love. Allowing each other to be themselves and encouraging each other, isn't that what it is all about? In a culture where sex is everywhere, shouldn't that be part of the conversation? It is impacting our lives, shouldn't we talk about it?

Over the weekend (and if I am going to be honest off and on for a while now) my 8 yr old daughter has asked to shave her legs. I have very thick hair and my husband is pretty hairy as well. I have to shave my legs regular and yes I can see my daughter has leg hair. It is pretty dark since she has dark hair and she is very tan. I think she is beautiful and she completely has my heart. She feels insecure about her leg hair. She says other kids comment on it a lot. It makes her feel shame and she says she doesn't want to feel gross about herself. The fact that this is a problem is sad. It is the byproduct of an extremely over sexualized culture for sure! Why do kids at 8 even care?!? Much less take it upon themselves to shame others?!? I explained that once you start shaving you have to keep it up. We talked about loving our bodies just as they are. Then the kids were playing outside with some neighbor kids and I heard it. Kids can be so mean. She is strong and beautiful. Not fat at all and honestly this is probably the only things that might be obvious to tease her about. She is small for her age, thick dark brown hair, beautiful eyebrows and eyes, she is 45 lbs and can carry a 55# weight up stairs! She is amazing! Sure enough I hear neighbor kids tell her she has hairier legs then them (they are 12). They say she has man legs. I watched as she just said, "So it's none of your business, that is the way God made me". As she walked away I could see here face, it hurt her. She is strong and didn't let that boy see her pain, but it hurt all the same. My heart broke for her. It shouldn't even be an issue, she is 8!
 

bob

Respected Member
I am so sorry. You are right, it shouldn't be an issue when you are eight. But, you have one gutsy little girl there. She will grow up with a confidence beyond her years.

She is a strong, with the emphasis on IS!
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Thanks Bob, you are right, she is very strong indeed.

Well life goes on.

Had a weird experience at the grocery store. I was in the produce section and it was a bit crowded, I was getting some things and someone brushed against my back. I didn't really think much about it as there were a few people around but when I turned I noticed it was a man. It surprised me but at the same time I told myself that it probably was an accident. Then as I rounded to the next isle to the fruit I felt it again. He was reaching for something and grazed my butt reaching for something. The same guy! Me a few years ago wouldn't have said anything but would have just tried to hide from him all over the grocery store. I probably wouldn't have even gotten everything I needed. Today was a very different story. I just looked at him and said "I believe the correct response is excuse me when you are trying to discreetly touch a woman's ass! I noticed on the last isle but gave you the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately for you this isle is less crowded so you don't have that excuse. Instead you just look like a pervert! My ass in not for sale and available for touching!"

He just stood there. I think he was in shock. I finished my shopping and got a few glances from other people. When I was speaking to him other people heard and everyone looked at me like I was a crazy woman. When I got in the car I started reflecting on it and realized how upset I was. Firstly, I wonder how many other times he has done this? Is this a regular thing for him? I am not something available for his enjoyment, I am a person! Secondly, why is it when a woman speaks up people treat her like she is the one with the problem? If I walked through a grocery store doing the same thing would it be ok? NO!!! There were other women there and they all just stood there. No support from anyone! I just feel like that is not ok. It was really upsetting. Just like when a kid is being bullied we encourage other kids to stick up for the kids being bullied. Say something! Why as adults do we not? This is a form of bullying, is it not? So why doesn't other adults (male for female) support each other? I felt so alone and on display for the rest of my shopping. I wanted to leave but Iwasn't going to give that man the satisfaction. This is just ridiculous.
 

bob

Respected Member
To the first part; You go girl! To the second part, I bet there were others that knew he deserved it. They just didn?t know how to respond.

I?m proud of you.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Well its been a bit and life just keeps going. I have been on here less due to some health issues. These things really put life in focus and for that I am thankful. Life is good. I feel so blessed to have kids that are my world, a husband that is my best friend, and a God that loves me unconditionally. I am counting my blessings for sure!
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Just saw your post.  Sorry you are having illness.  That is the worst.  Hope your husband and kids are giving you well deserved TLC.  Ihave found that when I have health issues especially when pain is involved, the triggers abound in my weary head.  My husband and I figured it out.  I let him know when I have physical pain.  If it overwhelms me, he holds me while I cry.  It is like the pain just opens the door.  Don't know if that happens to you or any of the others on here.  But it sucks.

Take care of yourself.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Been a while and wanted to pop on. Things are alright. Still working though some health issues and figuring out a plan. Overall I think it will be alright.

My husband and I are continuing to work on our communication. The topic have been coming up off and on quite a bit about FaceBook. People always asking why he doesn't have a face book account. Then he brought up about getting one again. He said he doesn't really want one except to see all the events because apparently that is where everyone advertises what's going on. We share an instagram acc and I would be lying if I didn't admit that it does occasionally make my heart skip a beat in fear when I pick up his phone to hand it to him and instagram is up. We both have an open policy that either of us can look at each others phones anytime because we have nothing to hide. There are times when he is upstairs and ask me to bring him is phone cause he left it down stairs and I will see instagram up. I always look to see what's been searched and what is in his feed. It always brings up those anxious feelings. There has never been an issue. Once there was a steampunk girl but I could see how that was just in the feed because of the old Victorian house photos that he searched and the architecture related searches. It was clearly not sought out and there are always spammers trying to fish. He seemed genuinely surprised that it was even there. It wasn't in any of his saved pictures just something that they used the hashtag Victorian to come up.  Anyway, facebook I just feel isn't a good idea. I told him it was his decision. I don't want to be his parent monitoring him forever. He asked me how I felt about him having a facebook account and I told him it made me uncomfortable. He used facebook a lot to masturbate to my friends and it was really damaging to me and my relationships with a lot of my friends. Thinking of him going back on there is really triggering. I feel like I should be over this by now. He really is a different person and I really don't want to hold him to who he was a disregard all the progress and effort he has made but at the same time I just feel anxiety in my gut. I guess I am not ready. Does that make me unforgiving? I am not sure. Well this post has basically been my thought process just spilled out, lol. I think I sound nuts, lol.

Well to anyone who made it this far I hope you are doing well! Thanks.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Just wanted to pop back in while I am on the mend. Overall I am getting better and that progress feels good. Nothing on the porn front. My husband and I continue to communicate and grow together. This process was and still remains one of the hardest things for myself and my marriage but I am glad we stuck it out. We are an entirely new couple today than we were before this. I like this new us so much more! On the 17th we will have been married for 15 years and together for just over 16. I look back and realize just how much life we have managed to squeezing into these last 15. There have been lots of ups and downs and plenty times I wanted to give up but I am so glad that we are still here and standing together.
 

Braved118

Member
Hello, I never experience your shoes but I believe that marriage is a couple who their love is strong forever because you can take care of the world together. Sorry if this sounds hurtful but you guys are blinded. I guess you think is a process because you find it hard to accept that you need a break to be alone to get you confidence up.
 

bob

Respected Member
As soon as I read something that is negative I check to see how long this individual has been a part of RN. Odd that someone who has only been a member 1 day feels the need to point out where they disagree. Particularly when the individual posting appears to be a younger person.

Seems particularly strange. Just saying...
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Bob, I appreciate your support! Braved118 is allowed his opinion but  it doesn't make we wonder how long this individual has been married for to offer such words of advise. Before I had kids I had all kinds of ideas on how to raise them, now I have kids and I realize how little I know. This could be a similar example.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Well Christmas was good. Learning how to do the holidays in a new town away from family always feels different. Last year we flew home for Christmas so this was the first Christmas in my entire life that I wasn't with my family. So weird. It was just my husband and kids and I. I thought it would feel lonely and sad but it didn't at all. It was quite and did feel a little different. We usually go to my moms and there ends up being about 30 people with all the cousins and grandparents and all, so 4 was very different. It was actually really nice. I didn't have to spend half the day cooking a meal for 30, then doing dishes, and then pulling out dessert, and then doing more dishes. My mom and I usually do all the cooking. Instead I got to spend the entire day with my husband and kids relaxing. I got to see them enjoy their presents and help them build things. We cooked a fancy candle lit dinner together and we all helps clean it up too. I think it was actually my favorite Christmas. We took a walk through the neighborhood with cups of hot chocolate and just spent time together. We facetimed the family back home to say hi, but seeing all the chaos in the background made me appreciate the gift of enjoying quiet time with just our immediate family. I am so thankful that we have managed to work through things and continue to do so. I am glad that my husband and I have been committed to making this marriage a priority and that we are still together enjoying our kids and this life together. Looking forward to another year full of life, lessons to learn, and laughs to share.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
aquarius25 said:
Well Christmas was good. Learning how to do the holidays in a new town away from family always feels different. Last year we flew home for Christmas so this was the first Christmas in my entire life that I wasn't with my family. So weird. It was just my husband and kids and I. I thought it would feel lonely and sad but it didn't at all. It was quite and did feel a little different. We usually go to my moms and there ends up being about 30 people with all the cousins and grandparents and all, so 4 was very different. It was actually really nice. I didn't have to spend half the day cooking a meal for 30, then doing dishes, and then pulling out dessert, and then doing more dishes. My mom and I usually do all the cooking. Instead I got to spend the entire day with my husband and kids relaxing. I got to see them enjoy their presents and help them build things. We cooked a fancy candle lit dinner together and we all helps clean it up too. I think it was actually my favorite Christmas. We took a walk through the neighborhood with cups of hot chocolate and just spent time together. We facetimed the family back home to say hi, but seeing all the chaos in the background made me appreciate the gift of enjoying quiet time with just our immediate family. I am so thankful that we have managed to work through things and continue to do so. I am glad that my husband and I have been committed to making this marriage a priority and that we are still together enjoying our kids and this life together. Looking forward to another year full of life, lessons to learn, and laughs to share.
That's exactly how my family experienced Christmas this year! It was actually really nice - very cosy and intimate, just enjoying each other's company and joy. We cooked everything together and ate together. It was probably the nicest Christmas dinner I've ever had. We missed family to an extent, but we appreciated what we had so much more. Congrats to you and your family on a great accomplishment!
 
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