Its a process...I guess.

aquarius25

Respected Member
Thank God!!!! My husband did not break his penis, LOL! I know that sounds odd and maybe even slightly offensive but knowing how long he has been doing this there was a small part of me that was worried it would never work again. Well I am happy to report that things are starting to work. He is just under 45 days and he has had a few erections without medication. It feels weird to be this excited about it but ya know what.....I don't care! I am really excited. It gives me hope that we can have a healthy great sex life. I have never received this much hope from an erections before, LOL! Anyway things are going well. We are communication a lot more than we have before and I am feeling very hopeful for what's to come. I understand we still have a long way to go but at least it a "we". Our marriage will last and we are both committed to each other 100%.
 

Objectified1

Active Member
Fantastic news! I understand where your coming from. I tell hubby occasionally now how much I appreciate his erections lol. I now have an appreciation for it I never had before.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Well the last few days have been pretty rough. I had found out that what I thought was a natural erection for my husband was in fact pill induced. Of course I freaked out. I really wish I was better at processing this information without so much emotion, I really think it would help the both of us. It bothered me because I just felt lied to all over again. Trust, I am convinced that is the worst part of this process. I have never been a very patient person and trust requires so much of it. I guess we are both learning new things. I can see how if we can make it through this process that we will both be better people individually and as a couple. Since he came clean about our last sexual experience being pill induced and I was very clear about my boundaries regarding it thing have been going better. He has started getting occasional erections on his own, just now I am left suspicious. I don't want to be that way. I really just want to love and accept him where ever he is at. I just really need complete honesty. I have noticed that when he isn't completely honest with me I find I am hesitant to be honest with him. I end up reminding myself and forcing the honesty out. Its like a little mental battle I play out in my head instead of the way it used to be which was just natural.

He is around day 50 now. I can see how physically things are starting to get back to healthy function. I also think he is starting to fully realize just how damaging the emotional element is. He is realizing just how low my self esteem is as a result of this process. And I share responsibility in that too. It is not just his fault. I am responsible for the way I see myself. Its just this situation makes it very difficult. Another think I have noticed. He is much more attentive to me and has been trying to build me up but his words feel like nothing to me. He calls me beautiful and it just doesn't feel the same. I think that is in part because the trust is broken, it just feels like an empty complement. Also I feel like his complements feel like they are out of obligation. Like he knows he screwed up and he has to fix it. I don't want to feel this way. It bothers me quite a bit. It bothers me that when another man compliments me I find it means more now. That is just so sad. I am seeing just how deep the wounds between us are.
 

Fungia

Member
Thanks for your story. I must confess that my addition cost me my marriage and a long term relationship.  Now that I have made the decision to truly break these chains, I look back at my life and the pain I caused two wonderful woman.  I am so ashamed and wish I had the skill and support when I was younger to deal with these things.  I just realize that I now have the opportunity to make good and hopefully find forgiveness. It is amazing that you can support your husband but I guess he needs to truly want to be free.  I started to exercise too and agree with you it makes dealing with things easier.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Fungai
I am sorry to hear about relationships ruined due to P. I am sorry for you and the partners you lost. I am glad to see you are here and rebuilding yourself. I truly believe that no matter how far or where you are in life you can recover and that there is hope for a better tomorrow than yesterday. My husband is doing everything he can. I see the areas he is weak. I will admit that for some reason I lose respect for him in those moments and I am trying to be a better person. I should not see him in that light but rather see his effort. See him struggling and trying and love the effort. Its just hard when trust is broken. I am slowly realizing that in order for this to work I need the let go of my belief in fair. Nothing is fair about this situation. I didn't have this problem and lie but I am suffering for it. I need to be willing to realize he means more to me than fair and that I need to lay down my self righteous attitude to love him. Love, real love is bigger than one person. Its about putting yourself aside. I thing when we can start to see and demonstrate that we will all improve. P in not love, there is not room for love in P environments. There is not love in shame. If you can start treating people with love first and starting treating yourself with love then I do believe not only will you beat this P shit but you will find peace and be a truly happy person! You have my complete support! I am so happy to support anyone who wants more than this for their life because there is so much more to life than this!
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Things are finally starting to feel normal again between me and the hubby. I am enjoying his company again. I am sad the see all the areas that this break in trust has affected us. Its everywhere. In our business when he says that he is taking care of something and I question weather it is really taken care of all the way to when we go to bed. If he stays up later than me my mind starts to wonder if he is staying up to view P. Here he is over 50 days in and I am still stuck there. I don't want to be the kind of person who has trust issues like this and I don't want to diminish his success. I know and understand it just takes time. Even the unintentional little lies feel so big and that is just silly. Something that has been helping is when I am feeling that way I tell him. I just bring it right up, so sugar coating about it. I know that it is probably hard for him to hear but honestly I feel so much better talking it through with him. He has said he appreciates being part of my rebuilding since he feel so responsible for this situation.

I have also been thinking a lot about that. I understand that he is the one who chose this addiction and chose not to tell me but I do feel responsible too. I don't have any logical reason for why I feel that way but I do. My heart breaks for him. The few friends we have told I have noticed have started treating him differently. Not all but a good part of them. It kills me to see them treat him the exact way he thought they would. I have also noticed how it has an effect on their relationships. All of a sudden any  of our friends that are pro porn feel this desire to defend it. Frankly I could care less. I just want to move past this. I want my husband to be healthy and I want to enjoy time with friends without this in the air. I regret telling any of them. O well the most important part is that my family is still together! That to me is a win! Everyday that we stay together P doesn't win.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Well more time has passed. He is still doing well as far as no P is going and I can see how this rebooting process is working for him. He is physically working a lot better and I can see now how much of his confidence was attached to his sexual performance. I can't decide weather that is sad or not. We have sorta fell back into some routines as far as our day to day things go and I have had an interesting realization....this makes me scared. I am terrified of things going back to "normal". See I was lied to when things were "normal". I had no idea but during all of our best years of marriage in our routine he was lying to me. SO now anything that things settle down I get scared. It brings up all of my feelings of insecurities all over again. I feel like, "what else is he hiding right now?". If a healthy normal life terrifies me how can we have a good relationship? I am trying to trust him again. He is doing everything he can and he is quick to respond to anything I mention as being helpful but for some reason I still can't seem to get there. There is always this little voice in the back of my mind that feel like he is hiding something from me. Then there is the resentment. I don't want to be a person filled with resentment but I can't help but realize that he has spent a minimum of just under 3000 hrs with his dick in his hands! I have never spent that much time on something just for myself ever!!! Especially something that was at the expense of my family.  What was I doing during this masturbation and porn fest???? Raising kids, cleaning the house, working and basically serving everyone else. Its hard to not be upset about that. I'm wondering how long I am going to feel this way? How long can I live carrying this with me and at what point do these things rot away at my soul. I don't know how to let go of it as I so very much want to. I feel like he is the one with the addiction but it's the partners that pay the real cost.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I really hate porn but I hate lying more. There is no love in lying. When one person lies they are robbing the relationship of authenticity. Two people can't fully and authentically love each other when one person withholds truth. Its just the way it is. I can see how much his heart is breaking with the realization of just how much hurt he has created in this relationship by being completely self centered. I know that we can weather this storm but man this is a shitty storm to weather!!! I also understand that it won't happen over night. I was coaching at a gym I work at and a lady had said she was trying to loose her baby weight. She was frustrated it was taking so long (3 months). I told her that it took 9 months to put it on don't expect to loose it in 9 days, that's not healthy. Well the same goes for this. He took 14+ years of us being together for him to create this wedge one can't expect it to be healed in 90 days. Just because his dick can work again in 90  days doesn't mean my heart will. That is going to be a longer recovery road for sure. I really hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction and has a partner can understand that. The reboot isn't just about PIED and the porn its about your family and how you have been associating or disassociating with them. You loose relationships when you turn to porn. You have to put in the work to rebuild them or you will loose them forever. It sucks to apologize all the time but when you add up all the times you PMO'ed well you can't expect it to be wrapped into one big I'm sorry and have it be all better. Hearts just don't work that way. Or at the very least mine doesn't. For that I am sorry. I really with it did. I love my husband so much but I am so incredibly hurt. I know it will get better, I just wish it didn't have to take so long.
 

stillme

Active Member
aquarius,
My husband and I am finding very good advice, support, and a plan with the books:

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner has been Unfaithful by Janis Spring and

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To also by Janis Spring

Both books have done a couple things for me recently - validated my feelings (and frustrations) and provided a realistic template for my husband and I to get back where we need to be (or not). It is helping us move on porn recovery to the things we need to put in place for marriage recovery. The biggest thing is that the books have allowed me to see I have a right to require restitution for my hurt and pain - he must prove his love and commitment with actions. Not just any actions, but ones I will feel are validated. The books are not one sided, they also address things I need to do to help rebuild. However, the scaled are fairly balanced, with the larger requirement being on his end. It continues with my thoughts - the person who broke it is responsible for fixing it.

Another thing I have gotten is a validation of my fluctuating feelings. This is normal - to go between hopefulness and despair, being all in to having apathy - those are all normal parts of the healing process.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Stillme, Thank you for the book recommendations! I will defiantly be getting those.

I'm getting ready to head out of town again for a work trip. I am going alone! No husband, no kids, just me!!! I am so looking forward to a break from all of this, from life. I have 1 work meeting but I'm taking 5 days. There is a beach nearby and I plan on being on it!!! This is the first time I have completely done something just for myself in years. Usually when we do trips its for the entire family or with friends or something. This is just for me!!! I am so excited. I am no longer going to feel guilty (or at least I am going to try) about investing in myself. If he can spend all that time, all those years masturbating then I can start spending my own sort of me time. I am hoping to start investing in things that I have always wanted to do and figure out who I am on a deeper level. Thankfully my husband is supportive but honestly this wasn't a questions. I kinda just told him this is what I am doing, lol. I will admit that guilt feelings have arisen, like OMG I am spending money on myself. I feel bad, maybe I should try  to take the kids? Then I stop myself and realize I deserve this. Investing in myself will help me be more present to my kids. I am excited for this part of my recovery! And for margaritas on the beach!!!
 

stillme

Active Member
aquarius25 said:
Stillme, Thank you for the book recommendations! I will defiantly be getting those.

I'm getting ready to head out of town again for a work trip. I am going alone! No husband, no kids, just me!!! I am so looking forward to a break from all of this, from life. I have 1 work meeting but I'm taking 5 days. There is a beach nearby and I plan on being on it!!! This is the first time I have completely done something just for myself in years. Usually when we do trips its for the entire family or with friends or something. This is just for me!!! I am so excited. I am no longer going to feel guilty (or at least I am going to try) about investing in myself. If he can spend all that time, all those years masturbating then I can start spending my own sort of me time. I am hoping to start investing in things that I have always wanted to do and figure out who I am on a deeper level. Thankfully my husband is supportive but honestly this wasn't a questions. I kinda just told him this is what I am doing, lol. I will admit that guilt feelings have arisen, like OMG I am spending money on myself. I feel bad, maybe I should try  to take the kids? Then I stop myself and realize I deserve this. Investing in myself will help me be more present to my kids. I am excited for this part of my recovery! And for margaritas on the beach!!!

That is awesome news! I am so glad you are doing this for yourself. Like you said, it is your turn. I have also started to do a few things for myself. At first it felt awkward, but realized it felt awkward because I was never doing anything for myself - just my husband and the kids (or work). My husband has also been supportive, and that does feel good. However, the bigger thing I realized is that 'not' looking out for myself put me in a bad situation for his porn use to affect me so deeply. So, we are doing a bit of a dance  he is pulling in towards me and I am pulling back a little bit. At first it felt odd, but it is slowly feeling more right. He was too far one way and I was to far the other way. We are finally finding appropriate balance, and I am finding my own identify.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Well I'm home from a fantastic vacation/ work trip. It was so nice to get away. I feel like I have learned a lot of things. It was nice to get away from the drama. We have two kids (6 & 8) so the break from all of the parenting stuff was nice. My mind could actually focus and relax a bit. It was also nice to be on my own for a few days. I had to go to a few different cities and drive in a new places and as silly as it sounds I had a ton of anxiety about it. I feel like since my confidence has been in the dumps I have felt totally incapable. It was nice to go out on my own and realize I am more than capable of handling this and more. It felt good being on my own. I sounds terrible but it was also nice to see men check me out, lol. It reminded me that I am a completely attractive person who is more than capable of handling life on my own. I choose to stay with my husband, I am not stuck there. Also after a few days it was nice to actually have the feeling of missing him. There are lots of things I take for granted like when he brings me coffee in the morning. There are lots of little things that I noticed he does. It was nice to appreciate those things and actually just miss him. Another terrible thing to admit....it was nice to hear him struggle a little to handle the house and kids, lol. I do the rat race every day and I think that is something he takes for granted too. I think he finally got to realize how much I actually do. We both walked away from the experience realizing a little more about the other person and that was really healing. I so needed to get away and really reflect on everything. We did get into a big argument when I returned but we transitioned out of it much better than before. We have a lot of stress right now in our business and I think that just makes everything so much worse. It was really nice to sit on a beach and enjoy the moment for a few days. A few times there was even a part of me that wished he was there. In those moments I realized how much he means to me, how much I love him, and how glad I am to be choosing him even despite all this crap.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Shame is such a funny thing. I am noticing how there are subtle things I do that my husband perceived as me shaming him, and subconsciously he may be right.  Its in the long breath that I take when I realize that he isn't getting hard when we are making out. It in the lack of interest I show in when he is getting dressed and I can see he is trying to be sexy. All of these things are so subtle that I honestly never even thought he noticed them but I am seeing now he did. I saw that as me loosing interest and respect for him. He is right. Its hard to find yourself super turned on no matter how sexy he is when you have experienced sexual disappointment so many times. Its like I don't even notice myself doing it. It has only been since this reboot has started that I am now noticing all of the ways my husband felt shame. I am so sorry for this. I feel terrible that I may have added to this issue. I know and understand that I didn't get here on my own. That it was a long history of things adding to where I am but still it hurts. I can see it in his eyes. He tries so hard to be something that I can lust after, respect, find attractive, and love madly. Honestly I just want him to be confident with you he is. I want him to be himself. That is the person I fell in love with. I have been trying lately to notice and correct my behavior. The first step is acknowledging and apologizing. I am realizing how I have some responsibility in his addiction and i am owning that. I know its not my fault but in some ways I didn't make it easy. I see how I may have been a difficult person to talk to. That doesn't excuse the behavior but it does help me understand a little more and allow for a higher capacity of grace for him. Hoping that our future can be better than our past!
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Well today is day 90 for my husband. It feels like just another day. Even he said he didn't feel like it was a big thing, lol. I think he has finally realized just how much hurt he has caused this family and he is realizing that it is going to take a lot longer than 90 days to fix that. I see that as progress, big progress! He has started seeing the need to invest in me and rebuild my confidence and self worth. That desire alone means so much to me! We added up the approximate amount of hours that he has M'ed over the past 13 years and it was pretty surprising to him. He couldn't believe just how much of his life he spent away from his family, lying and jerking off. I think see it like that was big for him. He has decided if he can spend that much time destroying his family that for the next 13 years he needs to invest that much time rebuilding it. He has encouraged me to take some art classes as that is something that really means a lot to me. I have always wanted to do it and we have always has some excuses not to spend the $. Well He is showing me that I am worth that.  We are talking more vacations (nothing big just camping and stuff) but mainly spending time as a family. It is actually really amazing.

If there are any PA's with spouses, partners or families out there. I encourage you to invest the time you were spending on yourself and put it back into your family and relationships. That is the first step in rebuilding.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
So far things are settling down. I have had a few things come up but I am managing them fine. One thing I have nocited is I am realizing that I am becoming less and less attracted to my husband. It really makes me sad but the longer this goes on the less I respect him. He hasn't relapsed or anything I just find that I am seeing him as weak a lot more. And for me that is one of the least attractive qualities out there. I am not sure how or what to do about it. I hope this changes. Boy is it difficult. I am trying to be supportive but I have noticed every time I have to give him a pep talk and motivate him I am secretly thinking that he is pathetic and weak. I know that makes me sound like a real bitch but it is the truth. Any ideas on what to do???
 

jjhan12

Member
aquarius25 said:
I am not sure how or what to do about it. I hope this changes. Boy is it difficult. I am trying to be supportive but I have noticed every time I have to give him a pep talk and motivate him I am secretly thinking that he is pathetic and weak. I know that makes me sound like a real bitch but it is the truth. Any ideas on what to do???

What you mean by saying "i am seeing him weak a lot more?" What he does or not do?

edit. oh you mean this http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=10879.0
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Johan,
I am noticing when he does small things that don't meet up to his word. Like when he says he wants to start working out 5 days a week or that he wants to accomplish certain things. When he doesn't follow through I see it as yet another example of him not being his word, lack of integrity. He says he wants to build my trust but him not being his word in these little things hurts any progress he has made. Then when I confront him about it instead of taking ownership for it he just gives excuses. That is the worst part. If you screw up own it, take responsibility and deal with it! Don't sit in stupid excuses, that is just not taking responsibility for your behavior as I see it. That to me is what weak people do when they don't want to dish out the real work. And the fact that I have to sit here and tell him its ok and give him a pep talk because his confidence is down is ridiculous. He has destroyed my self esteem and I don't ask him for a pep talk!

His PA has made me feel like crap about myself but I finally got to a place where I had to take responsibility for myself and my self image. I am the only one who should determine how I feel about myself! I am a cross-fit instructor part time and I decided that if I was feeling a but flabby in some areas then I need to work on them! To give myself a bit of motivation I am even entered into a power-lifting competition in a few months. Something I realized along the way is that I don't have a cut set of 6 pack abs. That is a diet issue. I eat pretty healthy but I do like wine and tacos from time to time. Instead of feeling sorry for my lack of awesome six pack I decided I like tacos more. I am going to own that and not complain about no six pack.

Its the same for him! Its all about where your priority is!!! If he really wanted to be his word then he could but he would rather sit is self pity! That is weak and unattractive. If he says he wants to sexually please his wife and when given the opportunity he just focuses on his PIED dick then he is basically choosing to feel sorry for himself over pleasing me. That is not something I can get behind. I truly believe that you accomplish in life whatever you make your priority. He is choosing that self pity is more important than recovery. That is just sad and yes I am loosing attraction to him as a result.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Finally had another good talk with the hubs, lol. He agreed that he is choosing to sit in self pity and that is not a fun place to be. He doesn't know why its so hard for him to move out of it but it seems to be. We worked through some things and he has been working on some phrases that he can say to pull himself out of it. I am trying to help where I can. If he needs to be reminded that he doesn't need to feel sorry for himself but that he is choosing it, I can do that. It is his subconscious that fill his brain with shame so we need to start building healthy routines in his conscious and eventually with practice that will sink into his subconscious. I think it is sad that he is feeling this way but at the same time the first step is taking responsibility and ownership for it. Recognizing when he is being selfish and feeling sorry for himself and then choosing to take a different direction. I also told him the kids and I are not going down that depressing road with him. We are choosing to be healthy. I am no longer going to allow this to effect my self image and self worth and I will certainly not allow this to have a lasting effect on our children. We are choosing to have healthy boundaries, to respect each other, have integrity, see value in ourselves and others, and live life with joy! He can join us or sit in his pity. But if and when he is choosing shame and pity I will point that out to him kindly and if he chooses to stay there then he needs to go on a drive or do something on his own. We aren't going to allow this to have such a big impact on our family anymore. I did say if there is anything we can do to help to please communicate that because we love him and want him to get better but I will not sit and enable this behavior. I love him, I donot plan to leave but one thing I don't think he realizes is when he trashes himself and sees himself as a piece of crap then its insulting to me too. He is basically calling the person I value most in this world a piece of crap and insulting my taste in men. And by choosing to become that very thing is sad and not respectable. It makes staying with him difficult because that is not an attitude I would ever pick in a partner.

I really hope that PA's with SO's can understand when you shame yourself you are unintentionally shaming your partner too. Its important to pull yourself out of it not just for yourself but for them too!
 

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
My SO also gets stuck in the shame mindset. It's tough because it's like he turns even my feelings into his shame, as if how I feel about myself, my negative body image and low self esteem (as it was) is down to his behavior. Well.... yes and no. I would rather that I could say [the addiction behavior] happened and my response to [the loss of intimacy and his lack of interest in real sex] was .... and see it as MY feelings. I may have been reacting to circumstances and how I perceived the situation (bearing in mind it was all hidden from me) but that doesn't mean it's ALL his "fault". Then there's this weird attitude he has about masturbation, like being found out was the worst humiliation, and how undignified to be busted as a porn addict.

I said to him, please let go of this shame but he kept on insisting it was his behavior and his decision and if he hadn't got hooked on porn I wouldn't have been as broken as I eventually became. It's sort of true but how I felt about myself wasn't 100% down to him. Still, he couldn't get past it. The shame around masturbation was a bit strange too. Did he really think I didn't know what men did when they watched porn? I grew a bit impatient. I felt his shame was getting in the way of communicating and making progress, for both of jus. There has been no big turnaround but he seems to feel the shame less intensely. The fact that my self esteem and self image has improved might have helped him, but like you I get a bit impatient with it. I can't see why he is stuck there.
 
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