Its a process...I guess.

[aquarius25]

Well another year ends and a new one begins. I don't have big goals or anything for the new year just a continuation of the progress that I hope to continue. My prayer for 2019 is to learn to love more and grow my capacity of love for others. I just want to keep the momentum going. I am continually amazed by how much this journal and the people here have help and made a big impact on my life. I am so grateful for all of you. 5 years ago my perspective on porn addiction and addiction in general was a lot different. I can see how I was viewing though a much different lens. After seeing the changes in my husband and in myself I have so much more compassion for those who are hurting though this addiction. My heart breaks for the addict as well as his family. I have experienced first hand just how much this can ripple though a family in more way than I ever knew. I can see how my heart has grown to love a group of people I had never considered before and for that I am so grateful. I have gotten to know a deeper part of myself and wrestled with so many judgments and attitudes that I never knew I carried. Even those that I have disagreed with or those that have frankly flat out attacked me have helped me understand myself and how I respond in the situations and I feel like I am stronger for it. I welcome hearing different perspectives and have come to realize I have an increase desire to encourage people where they are at. They don't need to see it my way for me to still be encouraging to them. The more I learn through these tough conversations the more I realize I still have so much to learn. So I am ending this year in gratitude. Thank you to all the people here who I have met. Thank you for being apart of my process, my life wouldn't be the same without you.

 

[aquarius25]

Not a lot new going on. We got a bunch of snow and decided to make the weekend a family time weekend. My husband and I had planned to work but decided to just spend time sledding and throwing snowballs with the kids. In the evening we were planning on watching a family movie but the kids asked if we could just start a new book together instead. We started a new series and we all take turns reading a few pages. It is funny listening to each of us make different voices for the characters! We had a neighbor kids join in for most of the weekend. He is an only child and just wanted to be around friends while his dad is on the mend (recovering from shoulder surgery). He had so much fun and he kept says "my house isn't like this at all" or "My parents do really play with me they just take me to go play by myself". It never occurred to me that actually playing with my kids would be something unique. As I reflect on the years before my husbands reboot he would usually stay home and work (aka look at porn and do some work too, lol). Now he is so much more present and I am so glad we get to enjoy him being with us instead of looking for an escape from us. It feels good to be a family.

 

[PE30]

That's really lovely whilst I was using porn and chat rooms I'd use excuses to get out of going out with the family on a Sunday afternoon - a bit of a cold, or a headache, or just tiredness. I do often feel tired on a Sunday especially if the Saturday has been busy or I've been busy at church, but we have a better system: I might have a brief low-down on the sofa for 20-30 minutes and then I'll get up and go out with the girls. I'm in the main living area, everyone knows what I'm doing and the girls get plenty of time with me.

Glad to hear how well things are going for you and your family.

 

[aquarius25]

Well I haven't posted on here in a bit so I thought I would just on and post real quite. February is always busy for us. It is when we try to squeeze in a work trip/ family getaway for a week or so and my daughter and I share a birthday as well! Turned 36 on the 9th and my daughter turned 9. It is fun to share a birthday with her because she gets so excited. I probably  wouldn't celebrate my birthday at all but she is so insistent on making sure I am honored as well as her. It is really sweet.

  Valentines day rolled around. I am not big on hallmark holidays so it isn't really a bit deal for us. I didn't get anything for my husband and he usually never gets me anything either but this year he surprised me....sorta, lol. He got me a new chainsaw and wood splitting axe. I feel like this present was for the both of us, lol. We tried them both out over the weekend and cut and split a few cords of wood. It was fun just hanging out and working together. We have been working together more lately as we have added a small contracting business to our other business and we have a few restoration projects (in addition to the house we are still finishing). It is fun to be side by side again. Our other business keeps me more at home running the office and helping homeschool and he ends up doing all the shop work. I have been taking 1-2 days a week and doing some construction and I love it. Feels good to get dirty, work hard, and come home exhausted. I feel accomplished oddly. Plus the added bonus of spending more time with my husband. One of the things he loves about me is the fact that I can work power tools and am not afraid of a big project and helping with it. I feel like we havne't worked side by side in a while so this has been almost like a second honeymoon of sorts for us.

Hope all is well with all of you!

 

[aquarius25]

Life keeps moving. Recently someone my husband had received a lot of encouragement from in his early days of recovery had reached out to him again. My husband didn't give me details but just said that if felt good to encourage someone who he received so much encouragement from. He also said that it was a good wake up call to never take things for granted and get too comfortable. Even years down the road he still tried to hold the perspective of one day at a time. We both have tried to appreciate each other and our family so much more than we used to. I look back over this journey and especially in the early days there were many times I felt so hurt and wanted to call it quits but he was doing everything he could. He never gave up and seeing that and know how much I love him, well, I could give up either. I am so glad we stuck it out. I know he still gets urges and every now and then he will notice something and tell me, I can see this becoming a P-sub and I need to not go there or do that. I know that even years later he still can fall into a relapse and it isn't over but I am glad he is mindful and I am trying to be as well. Whatever happens I know I trust him to be honest with me. That feels good.

 

[aquarius25]

Haven't posted in a while just busy with life. I did a power lifting competition and set a state record. I can honestly say I never thought I would be capable of anything like that. I love working out and lifting but I am not one of those fit looking ladies either. I am just a regular person. It was so empowering to try something, focus, train hard, and see what I am capable of. Knowing my kids are watching me, seeing me not give up and work hard, seeing me try something new even at 36! My husband was really encouraging and proud of me. It was nice to see the look in his eyes and realize that he has seen this capacity in me for years but I never saw it in myself. He has made comments from time to time just saying that he is sorry for his actions and how they have impacted me and my self confidence. It feels good to learn more of who I am and who God has designed me to be. Learning more about myself and having my husband walk along side me in this process.
Setting new goals and looking for the next adventure. Getting our passport and foreseeing some travel in our future. Overall life is good.

 

[malando]

Wow, state record! Congratulations! How much did you lift?

 

[aquarius25]

Bench was 80kg, Back Squat was 120kg, Deadlift was 171kg and that was what I get the state record in for my weight category. It was really cool! Even my hubby was shocked I could pick up that much weight, lol. I am hoping to have a 400lb (181kg's ish) by the end of this year. I'm so close!

 

[Kozakcecil]

Thank you for the story that was told to share with us. May I be encouraged to continue

Note: sorry about cancer

 

[aquarius25]

Well I am feeling supper triggered. I feel like I am having a mental battle with my mind and my emotions. This morning my husband and I had a conversation about social media. He doesn't have Facebook or instagram or anything because they were a big part of his addiction. He was viewing friends and masturbating to them while viewing porn at the same time. Ugg it was awful. Well here we are years down the road and we constantly run into issues with our business because he is missing events and things that are happening because there was  a facebook event made and that is what they are using to get the word out. So dumb because Facebook is so old and not a current platform but alas we are in the heartland now and everything is years behind, lol. Anyway, I am usually the one who has to tell him what is happening and I miss stuff. Well now there are some closed groups that he has been asked to lead and would be really beneficial for our business but they require him to have facebook. This has brought up so many emotions. He hasn't made an acc or anything yet we just had a short conversation about it this morning about how it might be needed. He said he actually likes life without it because in a lot of ways it is easier but our business needs him to be more up on what is going on.

Mentally I know he isn't viewing porn. I know he actually doesn't like social media. Heck he doesn't even come on here because he just wants to connect more on an individual basis with people. I know he texts a few men he met on here and that is more his speed. I know he has changed and would hope he wouldn't make the same mistakes as last time. We moved across the country and started over in big part due to his Facebook usage and the impact it had on relationships. I know and believe that he is not the same person and I do trust him....but.... why am I so emotional? Why is this a big deal. Why does even the thought of him having a facebook page make me want to cry and make my heart beast faster? I feel ridiculous and yet I know that these emotions are valid and telling me something. This probably sounds like a rambling rant but hey its honest.

Advise would be appreciated. I may repost this in the partners forum too so that I might get more feedback on this pickle. I hate that after all this time it all still hurts. ugg

 

[aquarius25]

Feeling a bit better. My husband and I talked for a while, first we said we would think about it a bit longer. He didn't want to take any action unless we were both on board. Now he says he just really doesn't want a Facebook page at all. If there is a group that needs it for him to be a part of then he just said that is probably not a good group for him. He doesn't want to deal with social media and likes his life without it. I have to say i am really relieved.

Other than that life is pretty much the same. I have been doing some yard clean up and have managed to get poison ivy in my eye! It is all swollen up and itchy, so I am learning self control too LOL!!!! I have never wanted to itch something so much in my life! Hopefully this too will pass!

 

[PE30]

Sounds like a wise decision. I was reading something by Tim Keller (not sure if you've encountered him) and he was talking about how sometimes we need to make small sacrifices of freedom for greater gains. In my case, that means that I choose not to put myself in certain social situations - that might be permissible for some - for the sake of my relationship with my wife. And if his business is thriving in spite of those limitations then I see no reason to remove them!

Your family's story is a real encouragement to me.

 

[aquarius25]

Yes, PE30! I have heard of him and he is great. I think you are spot on and I completely agree. Also Thanks for the kid words. I find your sincerity in a desire for a life change to be very inspiring as well. My heart really wants to see more men in this world who want to live healthy lives and raise healthy families! We need those examples for future generations.

On the life front things are going better. The poison ivy in my eye swelled it shut and pushed on my optic nerves creating a very sever headache when I tried to open it so I had to wear an eye patch. When you start your week as a pirate you know its gonna be rough, lol. Thankfully the antibiotics are helping and I am patch free now! Everything else seems to be good. Just working on our house and trying to rebuild our porch. Its a lot of work. We have decided to divide our time, so he is working at our shop and I am working on the house. We have always been hard workers and it made me realize just how much more he works now. It seems like he get so much more done. I asked him about this and he said that the difference is porn. Before not only did he spend time watching porn, time that he now spends working, but it also ins't taking up brain space either. He has a more clear head. I am continuing to be amazed by the impact porn has on a life in so many countless ways.

 

[Gracie]

Aquarius, just my brief input.  First, I needed a break to get perspective.  But will be back.  I was a member of a Navy group that pertained to my dad's squadron.  Great group enjoyed reading their stuff and then one day truly inappropriate jokes (misogynistic) came up with pictures of women's breasts talking about the view.  I wrote my post teloing why I was leaving and that there were sons and daughter and grandchildren on.  They got pissed that I did not understand that men need to see this stuff.  So I left.  It was on Facebook.

 

[aquarius25]

Gracie, I am not surprised at all. Facebook makes me crazy. My husband has basically said he is happier not being on there. In addition to the huge trigger it is for us he is also very opinionated politically and social media will defiantly make him insane, lol.  He said that they can email him if they really want him to go to those groups and if they can't email then he probably doesn't need to go. I am really impressed with his determination on this. I continue to appreciate and respect how hard he works to turn his life around after all of this. On the other hand the sad truth I try not to dwell on is this.....what if all of it is for show and he is secretly still looking at porn? I know that is my hurt and the fact that thoughts like that still cross my mind every now and then shows me that I still have some healing to do. That there is still a small part of me that doesn't trust him and on really bad days I wonder if I  will trust him fully again ever? Even with all of those thoughts I still choose to be here in this marriage and still love him very much. It just breaks my heart how much damage was done and makes me even more determined to help others and encourage families to heal and do whatever I can to prevent our kids from falling into this crap. I really hope and pray that the next generation has more awareness.

 

[bob]

Good morning friends,

As a male working with these challenges wanted to say how sorry I am that any spouse has to go through this. It just isn't fair. I only hope that I, as well as other's caught up in this dilemma, make the commitment to work through the  triggers, and build the trust we once took for granted. We may never reach that level of innocence, but it is in our best interest to continue to do what we can to prove otherwise.

For all who have to deal with this, I am truly sorry.

Peace

 

[aquarius25]

So this might be a weird journal entry but I feel like I am in a bit of shock and this is a safe place for me to get this all out. I really value the support from any of you who comment so thoughts and encouragement is welcome...

My heart is just so broken right now and I feel very overwhelmed. My son (age 11, going into 6th grade) was attending a science camp at a state college. He was really excited because they were building robots, and coding, and doing all these things he really loves. On the very last night of the camp one of the kids attending (all kids are grade 6-8) was assaulted by a few of the other kids. Yes, authorities were call and police notified. I am just horrified at this situation. Apparently 4 or 5 kids cornered a smaller kid in a bathroom on the last night and they whipped him with belts, kicked him repeatedly, and pulled down his pants and grabbed at him. My son had been playing during free time with this boy and one of the kids who attacked him was a kid on my son's science team. I asked my son about this and he said he was just so shocked and confused. He said that he felt so bad for this kid who was attacked. He said he was scared because it could have been him (he is smaller too), and he said he was confused because he had known all the kids who did this and they didn't seem like the kind to do that. I can see how this experience has really shaken him quite a bit. Frankly it has shaken me too. These are middle-schoolers!!!! The oldest kids were 13! It was a science camp at a state college. One of the administrators had told my son that attacks like these have been becoming more and more common in schools sadly. I am not sure what to think about that.

This program is a year long program. They are supposed to return for 2 Saturdays per month from September till April. They won't have any overnights anymore and obviously the kids that were involved in this are removed. I still just don't feel ok about any of this. This is such a broken world.

 

[MosesY]

I am a male, I do not feel it is my place to respond here, but this really hits home with me. I was born Amish and taught to be non-resistant. One time in elementary school when it was snowy outside some kids beat up on me too, pushing me down in the snow punching me and kicking me. I was taught that resisting is wrong and if my dad found out I was in a fight at school (no matter the blame) I would have gotten a whipping at home. This is the first time I ever told anyone about it.

This place is where school shootings come from. People are bullied and feel helpless and it's the only way to get revenge.

 

[aquarius25]

Well it seems like when life gets hard it doesn't let up right away. Our cat died today. He was only a yr old, the kids were very attached. He seemed off the other day and we watched him. He just wasn't himself. He seemed lifeless, almost depressed. So I took him in and they ran all the tests and said everything came back normal. That was yesterday. Woke this morning to find him dead. It was very disturbing. The kids are having a really hard time. What has surprised me so much is my husband. He cried. He is not an emotional person and it is very unusual to seem him express so much emotion and he did. We talked about it at lunch and he mentioned that before he would have used porn to help numb the emotion. Now he chooses to experience it. We dug a hole and buried our cat. The kids painted rocks and wood burned him a marker. I am so glad my kids get to witness their father being strong and emotional and sensitive. To me this is healthy. It is ok to cry when you are sad, doesn't matter who you are. I want my son to know that. I want him to know it's ok to cry and that we don't need to use other things to mask or numb emotion. We just need to go through it sometimes.

 

[malando]

Thanks for sharing that, Aquarius. Very touching. I think it's healthy too. I am very open with my emotions with my daughter too. Sometimes I well up when I just tell my daughter I love her. She does the same. It's not sad though - it's just appreciation for each other. I'm sorry about your pet. I know I'll be a blubbering mess when my dog finally leaves us. I try to appreciate him every day too.