Its a process...I guess.


Respected Member
Well, I haven't been on in a while. We have been doing distance learning and all the other things and never carved out the time. Also if I am going to be perfectly honest, I am a bit burnt out. I get messaged a decent amount. I love good conversation! I don't care if end up agreeing or not I just truly like to understand people and want to do my part to encourage people to be their best self. Sometimes I might say something that upsets someone and I try to be quick to apologies because that is never my intention. I have connected with so many great men and women on here! Even recently an addict on here and i had a great discussion, some miscommunication on my part and maybe some on his, but in the end I felt we  were able to communicate and appreciate a different perspective. Unfortunately I also get some not so great messages and I just really needed space from those. I just want to make this clear in my journal so there is not misunderstand or miscommunication, it is never ok to send a partner porn triggering messages. In fact don't send them to addicts either! It is not ok to send messages that are just mean period. Behaving like a two yr old is not ok. I have been on here enough to know that there will always be someone who is frankly just an ass hat for no reason other than they just like to pester people. That is not kind and frankly it will not help anyone's healing. So I am not interested in conversation with anyone who isn't interested in actual conversing like adults. 

aquarius25 said:
I have read a few of these journals and I can see how making them helps process everything so I thought I would give it a try. I want to do everything I can.

My husband has been watching P apparently since before we met. I also think he has been experiencing PIED off and on since before we met as well. We were best friends. I knew he battled ED but had no idea why. I loved him completely so I figured we can work on the sex thing, no biggy, he is worth it. Fast forward 13 years, 2 kids, 5 houses and me recovering from cancer. We have dealt with a lot in our marriage. I think I took that for granted, I took him for granted. For that I am so sorry. I thought we had not a perfect marriage but about as close as you can possibly come. Then it all came crumbling down. After thinking about the entire scenario its actually a little comical, lol.

I saw our cat under the desk in the office portion of our bedroom sitting on some clothes. I was collecting all the dirty laundry anyway so I reached in to pet him and get the clothes. Then it hit me....I was holding another womans underwear! I had the kids around and was getting ready to take them to my parents as my hubby and I were leaving later that evening on work/ romantic weekend. I was trying not to freak out. I thought there must have been some reasonable explanation but none came to mind. It didn't seem real. I thought maybe it was a joke, but I couldn't see how. So I texted my husband and told him I found something under the desk. No response. Then I said he had better say something cause I was kinda freaking out. His only response was Panties.  I asked him WTF?! He said, "you caught me, I was masturbating". I said I didn't care about the masturbating I wanted to know who's fucking panties they were?

Long story short he had found them at our house in the back of a drawer as the desk used to be a friends and she used it as a dresser for a bit. I do find it funny that his story, that was actually true, made him look like a huge cheater. He was really scared. A week earlier is ED had gotten really bad when we were trying to have sex and it wouldn't work at all. He had went online and found out about PIED and was already starting and hoping to fix it without me ever knowing. The panties were bad timing. I am glad though. They brought the longest weekend of our marriage, 16 hr car ride from hell, lol. The two of us stuck in the car with nothing but panties to discuss, lol. But we are now closer. We are openly talking. That is good.

I have always known that he looked at porn. I didn't know just how much he was doing it. I have always know he struggled with self image and issues with his self worth. He feels bad that he isn't a sex god or something. At one point in our marriage I heard him say that M and P he thought might actually help us. Clearly that is not the case. I think he was doing it to feel good about himself. Like see, it actually does work! But in doing that he was making it worse. I didn't care about him MO, I didn't even care about the P. I hated the lying. So much I hate the lying.

Now I feel like our entire marriage was a lie. All of the sex and the progress we made over the years was about his porn. The new things we tried was reliving his porn. I feel so ugly, rejected, confused and frankly heartbroken. It consumes my mind every moment of every day for the last 7 days. I need to get this out of my head.  This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing, lol. If you do thank you. Its nice to know I am not alone. I feel so lonely. I have no one here that I can talk too. I love my husband. He is committed to getting better. He really does love me. I have so many fears. I guess this will be one way for me to work them out.
Cheers and tears.

Many can super relate to this, good luck to you! We are just so happy to get forums like this.


Respected Member
Gambitchco, Yes, while i am not on here often it is a really good place to seek support.

Happy New Year everyone. This year is hopefully going to be better than last year. Last year was a big one for us and I think it was a good wake up call my my hubby as he had his first relapse last year. He is a lot more focused now and I am hoping that he can keep that momentum up. Seems like when days turn into months and become years you let your guard down. I think that was what happened for him, add in a pandemic and I think it was just a recipe for disaster. We both check in more often and try to communicate whenever things come up for us. This year is sure to be full of lots of new things. Adding to our growing business, hopefully traveling to some new countries with the kids, and continuing to grow.. Learning from the past but not dwelling there, just trying to keep my focus forward.