Its a process...I guess.

[aquarius25]

EB, Shame is such a funny thing. I can't figure out how to fully wrap my mind around it. All I can think to do is move forward with my life. I am working on just being a person filled with peace and love. When my husband is in a rut I tell him he can choose to come out of it and be with us or go take a break because I feel like I have been unintentionally enabling his shame. The last thing I want to do in be an enabler. He really is a wonderful man with so much to offer but not when he is buried in shame and feeling sorry for himself.

I have had some ok days. Things are mellowing...well emotions are mellowing. Life is crazy, business, homeschool, soccer ballet and the list goes on. Thankfully my husband has been a lot more involved and attentive to helping out around the house. One area that I have noticed he has slowed a bit is in his interest for my recovery. I get it, if I look like I am doing fine then he doesn't think anything is going on and he doesn't think to check in. He is communicating his recovery fairly well and so far he is doing really great. He seems to be starting to come out of this tunnel of shame that he likes to hang out in, lol. I am glad because he is a lot nicer to be around. I talked to him about checking in more and he responded really well. At the moment I am very optimistic about us making it through this. Lets hope we can keep these good days going!

My new art classes are fantastic and it feels great to get out and be creative. It has helped me so much in so many ways. Also my hubby has started going to the gym and help spot me on my powerlifting training. Its nice to have his support and do this with him. I feel like we are finally sharing things together. It feels really good. I am finally enjoying spending time with him. I haven't felt that since D-day.

 

[aquarius25]

Well the weekend was good. We had a great family day with the kids on Friday and my mom took the kids after the soccer game saturday so we had saturday night all to ourselves. My husband wanted to go out to dinner and celebrate all of the progress we have made not just with P but also in our business. We have had some big things come up and he has been really excited about lots of aspects of life. Seemed worth celebrating. He mentioned noticing that I seem different these days. That he is hoping we can get back to "normal". It hit me kind of hard. I finally was very clear with him that we will never be "normal" ever again. Its sad but one thing I have been becoming more and more aware of is the realization that I am mourning the loss of a piece of myself. It died on D-day and it will never come back. He is an amazing man. He is a good father, friends and for the most part a good husband. I have no intention of leaving and I do love him very much but I will never trust him again. The fact that he could deceive for as long as he did and I was played the fool make me realize not only can I not trust him but it has cause me to loose trust in myself and my own judgement. I am realizing that even if I were to leave it wouldn't be better elsewhere. I don't think I could be with anyone and trust them with the level of blind 100% trust that I used to view my husband with. I will always wonder if I am being played a fool again. The young and innocent idea of love and trusting your partner 100% seems naive to me now. I view it more as an unrealistic view on love. I was always transparent with him and he did not reciprocate and now I feel like everyone in this world is probably hiding something....even me now. I go to lots of efforts to keep my husbands reputation good even thought I know his truth. I don't want others to view him poorly. So yeah now I am just one more person in this world with a secret. I feel like in this process of helping him recover I have become some of the things I hated in him. That is really a sad awareness. I don't think it will go away either. I know we can enjoy each other and have a decent marriage but honestly I will always assume that he is hiding something from here on out. He lied to me for well over a decade without any intention of coming clean. He got caught, he did not confession his own. I do plan on staying with him. I am just adjusting to living this new life learning how to accept this new reality that I cannot trust anyone 100%.

I did tell him all of this. It seems like he is realizing more and more just how much things are different and how they can never be the same. There is no going back only moving forward into this unknown. I don't know what things will look like 10+ years but I know that I, and my marriage, are forever changed by this. It really saddens my heart.

 

[aquarius25]

Well I have been staying busy and that really helps life move along without me focusing on negatives too much. I have been trying to keep more of a positive perspective on things. I can see that the awareness of my husbands addiction is really weighing on him. I am trying to appreciate that at least he is finally understanding just how much damage he has cause but I also don't want him to stay there so I have been trying to be a lot more encouraging to him. He has been so supportive to me and I am trying to reciprocate that now that I feel like I am finally in the place emotionally to do so. I have started thinking a lot about us and what our future looks like. What does a good marriage after porn look like? I know that things will never be the same but I really have no idea what a successful marriage after this experience is supposed to be. Are we living it right now? Is this as good as it gets? I have been analyzing what my hopes are for us and trying to figure out if they are realistic or not. Its a huge step that I am seeing and visualizing a future for us at all when I look at just how depressed I was just a few months back! I am proud of that.

Another thing that has come up lately is my desire to move. I know part of it is running away. We have confided in a few friends and some of those relationships are not the same. It has been unfortunate for both my husband and myself. Things are really awkward now and that has made healing more difficult for sure. I just feel like we are working on becoming a new couple and would like a fresh start. There are financial reasons that for our business it could be good to live in a different state with a more business friendly tax structure but honestly that would just be the excuse we use for our friends. Really I just want a fresh start but then again that feels like running away to some degree. Our family is here and it would probably cause more harm than good. Still I can't seem to shake the feeling of wanting to start over somewhere. Has anyone else ever thought about that?

 

[Gracie]

What my husband insisted on was we got married on our 30th anniversary again.  We did it with just family and grandkids read our vows to us.  It was a good thing.  We also bought a new bedroom set.  He was a tv user and I told him by using in our room while I was away let these women in our private personal space.  That really go to me.  Soooo we did that and it was enormous help.  Also he had a chair in the living room where he would sit after work until I went to bed.  He now sits on the couch with me.  He sits in the recliner occasionally but now sits with me.  Those things made a great difference for me.

 

[aquarius25]

Thanks Gracie! Those are good suggestions. I think for me being as stubborn as I am the biggest thing I need to do is genuinely learn to let go. My husband is working so hard to make me feel better. He would do literally anything. He hasn't relapsed and has been communicating so much more. I am just having a hard time letting go and fully accepting his apology. Its hard. I feel like I have to consciously choose forgiveness almost every hour of every day. I know that by not letting go I am suffering more and so is he. I see it is hindering our progress together and that makes me sad. I am learning that this is a problem I have. He is responsible for the P but this stubborn streak I have isn't helping anyone. That is something I really need to work on. I am understanding just how hard it is to forgive when the hurt is so great and you are in the "right" about it. It is so hard to let go and move on. Sex is getting better and that does help. He is doing so many things and really becoming the man that I have always wanted and believed him to be. Actually he is way more attentive so he is doing even better than before D-day, lol. Its my turn to put in the hard work and learn to be more forgiving. Sometimes in life we are called to forgive even the big offenses and I am realizing the only way I and my marriage can heal is if I do.

 

[aquarius25]

Life is hard. I feel like the longer I am going through his reboot process the more difficult it is getting. He is doing a lot better. I can see he is becoming the person that I have always wanted him to be but I am not. I feel like he is bettering himself and I am getting worse. I don't trust people anymore. I can forgive his porn addiction but I don't trust him and not sure I ever will 100%. Frankly I am not sure I will trust anyone 100% ever again. I feel like he has deceived me for so long I no longer trust my judgment anymore. I assume that everyone is hiding something and they all have a hidden agenda. I am noticing that I am seeing the worst instead of who I was before, an optimistic to the core. I feel like I am in Oz and someone just pulled the curtain on the wizard. I see the truth now and I can't un-see it. I feel like I am realizing that I was ignorant before, foolish really. Now I see the way people really are. Honestly I was happier before and I carry anger at my husband for this experience. I am over the P but the deception has made me a worse person. That I am upset about and I don't really know how to move out of it. I don't know how to get beyond this point. I want our family to be happy again. I just feel like I am living in a chronic state of functioning depression and it just sucks. Any advise? I just can't get over the fact that he is the one who became addicted to P and somehow he comes out a better person and I feel like I just get the shit end of the stick. I am a very "fair" person and its so hard to let go of that because there is nothing fair about this. The partners of a PA just get the shit end of the stick!

Advice and thoughts would be greatly appreciated because I am really needing them right now.

 

[aquarius25]

Well more times passes. We decided to take the kids on a work trip with us. We had a good time as a family and it felt good to be a family. I was glad to notice that the kids are good. I feel like so far they have weathered this storm pretty well. That makes me so glad because as a mother I worry about them so much! On our marriage recovery note its just the same. Nothing better or worse but stagnate. I am learning to just live with this feeling of un-trusting. I am learning to live with this as my new normal and I am realizing that it is making me depressed. So much so that I spoke yesterday with my husband about getting on some depression medication. I just feel unhappy all the time and frankly I don't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am tired of feeling sad and feeling like a worse person while watching my husband become an amazing man. I feel like less of a person all the time. Not really sure how to turn it around.

 

[aquarius25]

Another day. My hubby has been working out of town most of today and I have been getting the house stuff done. I was doing laundry and came upon the panties I found him masturbating to, the ones that weren't mine. He wanted to get rid of them after D-day but for some weird reason I kept them. I can't seem to let go of them. Its like they are a reminder for me of everything. Anyway it wasn't great and I ended up going through all the computers to make sure nothing has been viewed recently. For some illogical reason I feel like he has been M'ing. We haven't has sex in a while and he hasn't seemed in the mood. He says its a flatline but I have this nagging feeling that its something else. I feel like I am going crazy. I really hate this lack of trust I have for him Its hard to be married to someone you don't trust. How is this going to work?

 

[cuppatea]

Hey, I've read through your whole journal. So much of it rings true for me. Even the part about wanting sex with someone that finds you desirable. I would love nothing more right now than to be taken by a man who is just totally into me. Sex with hubby feels contrived and awkward. Plus all the memories of our past sex life feel like a sham as well. Oh well, I did think about cheating, I even threatened it at one of my low points (told him I know where sex addicts go for hooks ups and that I could likely find someone by tomorrow to shag), but I won't and don't really want to, it would make me feel worse and my reason was for revenge as he has no issue with me watching porn I needed to ramp it up something he does feel is cheating.

The rest rings true as well though at the start I had shock but also hopefulness. Then I spiraled into a pit of depression and extreme anxiety. I've gone on meds for that and feel more stable but now it's like the reality of everything is really setting in and it feels like this heavy weight dragging me down and I just see no end to the unhappiness and uncertainty.

 

[aquarius25]

Cupatea, I completely understand that heavy feeling. My husband is well over 100 days. I have stopped counting. I trust him to not look at porn anymore. He feel so terrible about the entire thing that I think the thought of it just makes him sick. I don't want to be upset anymore. I wish I could just let it go but every time I go even just to the grocery store I run into another person that my husband used to PMO to. It brings everything up all over again. I feel like I just want some space from this tiny town to heal our marriage.

 

[aquarius25]

Well the kids went to my moms house for the night after a soccer game this morning. We have been working on some construction projects around the house. I had went to HomeDepot to get some things and the ever so helpful man working there was such a jerk!!! He kept saying things like "I'm sure if you show your husband he can figure it out" and crap like that. Also anything that was over 10lbs he wanted to find someone to carry for me. I finally had to tell him that I can probably lift more than him and that I will be doing the work. I know what I need and he doesn't need to give me instructions! My project is non is his damn business I just needed to find a few items! That I taught my husband to weld and have an entire fabrication shop in our garage so I think I can handle a few power tools! I have no idea why this bothered me so much but it really pissed me off to be treated like some dumb woman. He kept looking at my ass and boobs the entire time like I wasn't even a person. I think men should really evaluate how they look at women. We know when we are being ogled!!! (note I know its not all men, but this guy really had a problem)
Sorry to vent it just really pissed me off, lol!

 

[cuppatea]

Urgh sounds like a disgusting encounter on many fronts, can understand why it annoyed you so much.

 

[Gracie]

Stereotypes abound.  I remember when I was in early 20s and weighed 110, I worked at a very physical job.  I would arm wrestle men and beat them.  Gave me great pleasure!

 

[aquarius25]

Well my husband and I talk quite a bit the last few days. We talked about not just his actions but how they have impacted me, our kids and our entire family dynamic. I told him I am committed to figuring this out. He said he is absoutly committed too and will do whatever it takes. As much as he will probably never know the pain this experience has cause in me I think I will probably never understand the amount of remorse that he is experiencing knowing, seeing and experience the aftermath of his actions. I feel like this addiction has but us at odds with each other and we are trying to hard to be on the same side and support each other but there is this big line between us. Physically things are better. We are communicating more and learning different things about each other. I am trying to be more patient with him as he still continues to off and on struggle with PIED. I think part of it is just the anxiety of preforming. I can see that he so wants to make me happy and he just feels terrible.

We talked about moving and both agreed that it would be nice but in the end he said with our business it just wouldn't be doable right now. Maybe in a few years we could but not at this time. I appreciated that he considered but in the end it probably is the right choice. I am just going to have to learn how to deal with these emotions as they come up. Its hard when I am out and about and constantly seeing friends that I know he PMO'd to several times a day. I just continue to hope that time will help. Its been almost 6 months since D-day. In someways it feel like a while ago and in other ways it feels like just last week. Seeing reminders daily doesn't help. In the positive ways I am more committed to my marriage. At first I really wanted to leave, then I decided I wanted to stay but I just wasn't sure if it could ever work. Now I am resolved to stay. I am committed to this marriage and family and I don't want to see porn tear us apart. I am hopeful that years from now we will have better ways to communicate as a result of this experience.  I just need to take it one day at a time.

 

[cuppatea]

Sounds like you are making progress. Have you read Paula Halls partner book? I was rereading it on Monday as she has a section on how to deal with triggers. I got triggered yesterday as I found a mag in the garage, it was old and covered in dust so hadn't been looked at for a while but still i got all the feelings from d-day triggered back up and also was annoyed because I had asked him if he had any mags and he had said no. Yesterday he said he forgot he had it and hasn't looked at it for years, probably true as it was dated 2007 and was at the bottom of a stack of mags the others being gardening etc ones. I asked him to go through all the rest though and chuck anything out, so he found an FHM and a tattoo mag that had a few semi nude women in it (also had semi nude men). I managed to use the stuff that Paula Hall talks in her book about though to stop it hijacking me totally, she talks about a trigger cycle and interrupting it. It's hard, but I feel it's the first time I've been triggered and dealt with it in a healthy way. I also saw his morale drop when I confronted him with the mag and could see he was thinking "of fucking shit here we go again", especially as we had only just come out of another low point. He's taking these sorts of things more seriously now and not just trying to tell me it's nothing, meant nothing, isn't that bad, every bloke does it, yadda yadda yadda.

Kinda had to laugh and despair though, the mag had written under the title "the true gentlemen's magazine" and inside it was like everything was pitched at 15 year olds, all boobs and dickheads doing stupid shit and then a bunch of porno/cam girl ads at the back(was not a hardcore porno mag, more a stupid lads mag), but I'm like there is nothing gentlemen like about any of it. "The true nobheads magazine" might have been more on point. I despair that I'm with a bloke that would look at a piece of shit magazine like that, it's so goddamn juvenile.

 

[aquarius25]

Cupatea, I hear you! Magazines are the worst. Even the ones for girls are almost preparing them for P. Its pretty bad. I am trying to practice slowing my breather when I start to feel something trigger my emotions and they start to feel overwhelming. I have been try to just focus on my breathing and then try to find a reasonable excuse for me to leave where I am at and take some time. I try to tell myself that this is only a trigger to my pain and that the emotion I am experiencing isn't a real representation of the current situation but just a trigger response to pain that is now here now. I have been mentally practicing this most of the morning because I was at the gym. One of the girls there (who is a friends, although i have been distancing quite a bit these days) was a big deal when I looked at the history on my husbands facebook PMO material. Every time I see her all I can picture if him with his pants at his feel and his dick in his hands. Today my husband came to the gym with me and it was a partner workout so we were doing it together. I tried really hard to not be consumed with worrying about him staring at her or wanting to. Even when he isn't staring I just feel like he wants to. Like he wants to take in her experience to MO later. So finally I just took a break and went to the bathroom and focused on my breath and calmed myself down. The hurt didn't leave but it felt manageable and I didn't end up crying in front of everyone or anything.

Tonight I also have a birthday party that I have to go to. I have been canceling on a lot of things and my friends are starting to notice. So I promised I would be there. There are going to be 5 friends and 4 of them are on his PMO list. So I am just trying to get myself in a good head space and I will try to only have 1 drink. Getting buzzed doesn't help the situation at all! We have told a few friends about his PA but we have never mentioned the FB part. That just doesn't seem like a good idea.

 

[cuppatea]

We haven't told anyone and I don't plan to, can't cope with that idea. I've also cancelled heaps of plans and people were noticing so I told them about my anxiety and depression so they know that's going on but not really why. I've also told a few close friends about my abuse from the past so I can get help with that. But pretty much totally alone with the porn stuff, except on here and with my counselor.
Dealing with knowing he was looking at friends must be so hard.

 

[aquarius25]

Cupatea, Yes it is the hardest part of this entire process. Knowing that my husbands wasn't just looking at Porn to MO but also looking at images of my closest friends is absoutly the hardest part. I have talked with him about it quite a bit. He is beyond sorry and I also know that somehow in his mind he felt that by looking at FB and not hard core P it was better but personally I just feel like it has made the situations so much worse. It took the PMO from "porn stars" which feels far away and brought it home to my own personal friends. Not only do I feel all the feeling of rejection but they are pitted against my friends. Like he prefers them to me. Also I can't seek support from them because well can you just imagine if some of your friends told you their husband liked to masturbate to images of you that you posted on FB? I just don't see that going over well, lol.

One thing I have come to realize. My husband is sorry, beyond sorry. I know that I am pretty sure he is being honest when he says he doesn't do it anymore and doesn't even want to. He tell me every day how much he loves me, how he thinks I am beautiful, and just about anything else that he can think of to reassure me that I am the center of his attention. I just am not yet able to fully believe it. I want to so much. I just feel so small every time I see my friends. I don't want to continue hurting. I would love to be able to just move on and be over this but I'm not. I know time will help.

I believe in God and I believe that when you marry you truly become one. So I am suffering for his actions, it doesn't make it fair but we are one person in the eyes of God and the suffering is for both of us. This part I get to experience. His suffering seems to come with the realization that he has to watch me suffer and he can't fix it. He caused this pain and it can't just fix it overnight. I do see in him that he is suffering with that too. So we get to experience hurt together. I am  hoping as the years progress it will get less and less and we can be stronger and stronger but for today it just hurts.

 

[aquarius25]

Well work have been getting even more busy than normal. I think it has been good for me to be staying busy. We have decided after exhausting conversation that we are going to move after all. I am excited about it. We will be moving out of state so its a pretty big deal. Fortunately this will not only be beneficial to our marriage (hopefully) but also a huge step for our business as we will be moving to an area where we will be able to reduce out overhead expense quite a bit. I am thankful that my husband is standing by me and supporting me through this. I am nervous about a moving to a new place and meeting new people but a fresh start is going to be very helpful. There is so much to do as far as planning, we have to sell our house and everything, but I am finally getting excited about the future!

 

[malando]

Well work have been getting even more busy than normal. I think it has been good for me to be staying busy. We have decided after exhausting conversation that we are going to move after all. I am excited about it. We will be moving out of state so its a pretty big deal. Fortunately this will not only be beneficial to our marriage (hopefully) but also a huge step for our business as we will be moving to an area where we will be able to reduce out overhead expense quite a bit. I am thankful that my husband is standing by me and supporting me through this. I am nervous about a moving to a new place and meeting new people but a fresh start is going to be very helpful. There is so much to do as far as planning, we have to sell our house and everything, but I am finally getting excited about the future!

Excellent! Sounds very promising! I'm very excited for you.