The sin is mine, I claim it.

[Penitent]

I am 50 years old. I am on the autism spectrum. I am on my fourth marriage. I have been a consumer of pornography almost as long as there has been free internet distribution--yes, all the way back to encoded GIFs on USEnet news. I indulged in pornographic messaging--writing and reading fantasies and claimed adventures. I played innumerable flash games. My childhood was not filled with trauma and grief. My father was an alcoholic, but he wasn't bad, as alcoholics go. I wasn't beaten, mistreated, or molested. I simply turned to porn as a young man and kept reprogramming myself with it.

Simultaneously, I became a hypocrite, adopting Christianity as I entered my 3rd decade of life. I was easily able to ignore the cognitive dissonance I was committing.

In any case, what has brought me here is that I finally was called out in a serious and severe way on my addiction. Last spring, my fourth wife discovered my active pornographic/fantasy life. At the time, she was very serious about divorcing me, but she relented. I made all kinds of "promises" (we know what those are worth) and really did convince myself that--for HER--I would be able to "be strong" indefinitely. I went to some counseling sessions, as well (about 12 sessions, weekly, overall). About three weeks ago, I backslid. I didn't just look at girly sites, I went straight to the outre material--extreme body types, obesity fetishization, etc. My wife discovered it.

We aren't getting divorced immediately, but she has stated that she will never trust me again, that I am incapable of love, and that I can expect her to walk out the door as soon as her youngest child finishes high school (5 years). Then she will tell me how much she misses me and we are in each other's arms. I find it unpleasant, but I don't feel the least bit bad about myself. I feel bad for her. I'm the one who did it. It's my fault and my cause. It was in my power to do something that would have worked, and I refused. I work in a psychiatry department. I am smart enough to spot addictive behavior. I refused to admit that I am an addict--my free choice.

I now admit that I am an addict. I have used decades of pathological inputs to reprogram my nervous system and it will not just be stopped by making a "decision" or "being strong". I have offered to let my wife install spyware on my phone and our computers, but she refused, which is her right. She shouldn't have to resort to such things. As far as I know, I have no hope with her.

Nevertheless, I do not wish to continue my addiction. I could simply let the marriage fail and indulge myself, by myself, for the remainder of my life. I'm autistic. I am able to live alone with nothing but work and a computer. But I do not wish to go down that path.

I realize that this is focused a great deal on my wife, and that I'm not supposed to.

 

[Penitent]

I did not use pornography today, but I wanted to.
My trigger is feeling that I have been an inadequate husband.
I did not soothe anything. I just wasted my time looking up US Census data instead of doing my job.
I am grateful that my wife responded to my "I love you" with "Love you".

Day 1 free of porn.

 

[bob]

Welcome to RN Pen,

Glad you are here. You have made the first step. This place is proof that it is possible to beat this thing. It isn't easy but it can be done.

Have you ever thought of introducing your wife to the partners of rebooters section? I know you are new to this place so maybe not for a while. Just think about it. It might be nice for her to have someone the vent to.

Just a thought

Peace

 

[DavidRI]

Penitent, welcome to Reboot Nation.  Like you, I am at the very beginning of kicking  the habit of cybersex, phone sex, text sex and porn.  In fact, this is my second day.  You are lucky to have not lost your wife.  I, however, did lose the girl I planned on marrying.  We are separated.

It is great that you know what you have to do to get healthy.  It's only going to get better one day at a time! 

 

[Penitent]

Have you ever thought of introducing your wife to the partners of rebooters section? I know you are new to this place so maybe not for a while. Just think about it. It might be nice for her to have someone the vent to.

She would not do well at that. She is not a forgiving person, and any opportunity she has to "vent" turns into a means whereby she ends up nurturing and nursing her anger. She has admitted as much to me before when discussing her life before me. She came from a subculture where forgiveness is seen as weakness, it makes one a "punk". Instead, ones value is based on how you are able to get your revenge on others. Escalation is a sign of personal strength where she came from. She will admit that such behavior is "ratchet", to use her dialect, but she also hasn't completely left that behind.

 

[Penitent]

I have a few classes of triggers.

Habitual: Anything to occupy a constantly restless mind, and pornography is a way to go straight to the limbic system.

Romantic: Wishing to re-live experiences I had with my wife, especially at those times when she makes herself sexually unavailable.

Emotional: General feeling of inadequacy brought on by being told that it was a mistake for her to come marry me, that the best part of her died three years ago (when her last husband died), that she, herself, died three years ago, that she is just putting in time until her kids' high school is over, then she will be gone. Likewise, when she tells me that she will never trust me again, that I am unable to change, that I am incapable of giving love to anyone. Worst of all, when she obsesses on finding a cause for what I have done. It is her opinion that changing behavior is meaningless--if one doesn't root out some dark, deep, traumatic secret, then it must be just part of my innate nature and a defining (and eternal and immutable) trait of who I am.

 

[Karzam]

Hi Penitent,

I agree with a lot of what Leon said - you need to want this change. What the reason might be is your concern, but if you personally don't value the change (any change) enough, it's unlikely you'll stop permanently. I have learned over the years that people only change when it's important to them, they might temporarily change if someone else wants them to, but they'll very likely revert back.

So - why do you want to change? And, if you don't mind a caveat, doing it to please someone else probably won't cut it. That's laudable, but in my experience these motivations have to be intrinsic to you.

On a related note, I'm sorry about some of the stuff your wife has been doing (i.e. not forgiving) or saying (shouldn't have married you, etc.) - that must be tough, and I commend you for not relapsing. I can't see how any of that could help you in this situation. Do you think she would be willing to change as well?

Karzam

Karzam

 

[Penitent]

I do want to change for me. I started on my path of finally ridding myself of my thorn when I was completely convinced that there was no hope at all for my marriage. I am keeping to this path under the total surprise that my wife has decided, at least for the moment, to not leave me.

That being said, it is unrealistic and contrafactual to pretend that nothing we do has any relationship to the world outside our minds, and a very large part of my world outside my mind is my wife. This is where the pop-psych bullshit really grinds my gears. It all sounds well and good to pontificate about "do it for you", but the reality is that nobody lives entirely on his own. I'm autistic. I'm probably better wired to live without any social connection to any other person than nearly anyone here, and even I recognize that our connections to other people are extremely important.

I am not working on myself in order to engineer a specific outcome in another person, but that other person is a big part of my life, and I will feel things from what she does. It would be dishonest to myself in the extreme for me to pretend otherwise. Were I entirely by myself, I'd still do the work, but I would have a great deal less emotional turmoil over it. That was certainly how it was a few years ago, when I was living alone and working on severe social interaction problems that I had. It was easier when by myself. I didn't have to worry about taking care of anyone but me. As I am married, I do have to worry about taking care of someone else, and that is a particular stressor for someone on the autism spectrum.

I would like to see a DIRECT QUOTE from me to prove that I refuse to see what I do as intrinsically bad. I do not beat around the bush. I speak literally. I have a great deal of trouble not speaking literally.

I now expect to be dismissed, as usual. It's only been professional counselors who bother to learn enough about me to understand that their presumptions, formed by dealing with neurotypicals, do not automatically apply to me.

I want to see a direct quote to PROVE that I do not want this change. Prove the accusation made against me. Go ahead, cite the evidence to back up this vile accusation.

I want to change because I want to run ME. I want to come home and not have an "itch". I want to, when I'm bored or down, turn to the things I really adore, like history, philosophy, my kids. I am sick of being ridden.

As for the self-appointed "expert" who blathers on about "hype", are you REALLY unaware that what you describe is ONE OF THE DISEASE-BASED MODELS? It is a VERY psychiatric, disease-based model. Indeed, it is one of the most hardcore disease-based models out there: Neurobehavioral conditions are a matter of a maladjustment to the nervous system brought on by environmental conditions. What could be more disease-based than a biochemical/anatomical explanation?

That's like claiming a change of diet and exercise habits to treat a cardiovascular condition isn't based on a "disease-based model".

Psychiatry is not psychology. Learn the difference before you pontificate.

 

[jjacks]

The fact that you are here and writing what is on your mind shows you clearly grasp that there is a problem within and that you want to find a solution to it. We all share that, so whatever differences we have are not at issue here. 

Recognizing and admitting to an addiction is tough, committing to a path of healing is tougher, and sticking to that even more so. We all seem to have discovered these things even if none of us here is an expert. Keep writing and we will all beat this together.

 

[bob]

Penitent,

One  thing we are us supporting and forgiving. It you have other things to deal with in your life, that's OK. Our goal; at least mine, is to be as supportive and understanding of any and everything you are experiencing. I want you to be comfortable in saying and doing what you think is necessary to carry yourself forward in moving away from this "itch."

We just want to be caring and supportive.

Peace

 

[Penitent]

Having a very tempted morning. I keep wanting to go find pictures of naked women to ogle, particularly dark black women (my wife is black and dark-skinned). Haven't done it, but I want to.

 

[DavidRI]

Pen, try this:  If you look at those pictures, you are further damaging your neuro-pathways.  Not logical.  Not rational.  Objectively harmful.  More specifically, if you look, you will experience yet another dopamine release, thereby, making it harder to resist next time.  Try to just picture that physiology going on in your brain, and it might help you to just let it pass. 

It works for me. 

 

[Penitent]

Funny, but openly complaining about having the damned urge worked for me. After I made the post, the urge subsided.

 

[jjacks]

Then complain away, buddy. If typing those words works for you, reinforcing the silliness of all those activities, then do it.

 

[Penitent]

My wife told me last night that she is worried about having sex with me because she thinks that, if she doesn't, it means that I will backslide. I had no idea how to respond to that. I have a very bad habit. When I cannot think of anything to say, I say nothing instead of just filling the air with words. Over the years, I have come to realize that this is an extremely wrong. People require and mandate that the air must be filled with words and that silence is bad, but when I cannot figure out a good way to answer something, I still respond with silence, or what is even worse, I admit that I do not know what to say. I have also learned that this is a very bad thing to do. We are required to always have something to say.

In any case, it is worrisome.

 

[jjacks]

You can smile, you can hug her.

Not having words is not necessarily a bad thing and she must surely know you well enough to understand that.

 

[Penitent]

She doesn't. She comes from a culture where everyone has something to say and says it, emphatically. She is not at all used to someone who has silence.

 

[Penitent]

I wish she wouldn't look for attacks or hostility from me. She's had many unpleasant experiences in her life. Innocuous things I do get misinterpreted as hostile or dismissive. I know my relationship isn't why I'm on this board--it's to rewire myself, but I think that any stress I have contributes to backsliding. The porn/fantasy habit is a maladjustment to life, after all. I spent decades turning to it for anything.

Sad? Porn and fantasies.
Bored? Porn and fantasies.
Rejection? Porn and fantasies.
Lonely? Porn and fantasies.
Bad day at work? Porn and fantasies.

It was an all-purpose anaesthetic, analgesic, tranquilizer, and euphoric.

Always available, always easy to get, always ready to follow down any convoluted alley of my mind.

I'm afraid to talk about that aspect with my wife, because she will probably interpret that as me blaming her for what I do. The thought process is that since I wouldn't get "enough" from her, I go elsewhere, but it's not a matter of "enough". She hasn't accepted the possibility that an addiction is a brain miswiring that doesn't require external chemicals. If repeated enough, any behavior will rewire the brain. Then it becomes its own "cause" and "purpose".

At the end of the day, though, she's the victim of this.

 

[jjacks]

I'm afraid to talk about that aspect with my wife, because she will probably interpret that as me blaming her for what I do. The thought process is that since I wouldn't get "enough" from her, I go elsewhere, but it's not a matter of "enough". She hasn't accepted the possibility that an addiction is a brain miswiring that doesn't require external chemicals. If repeated enough, any behavior will rewire the brain. Then it becomes its own "cause" and "purpose".

Reading this is like looking in a mirror. It could be me and my wife. I know she would think it is her fault - I have already tested the waters. In a way, we are all victims.

The healing is going to be a very personal thing, requiring us to summon up a lot of inner strength. Thankfully, we have members of this group to give us support along the way. I choose to do it this way, to be the man I once was because of her.

 

[Penitent]

I reject that "we are all victims" in any sort of way. If there is any victim to this, it is my wife. Beyond that, the children upon whom collateral damage may rain if the marriage fails.

I am not a victim. I am an addict.