Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 2
I've decided to start this new journal because I have so many negative emotions about the other one and it can even be deleted as far as I'm concerned. It reminds me of a version of myself that I'm trying to leave behind. I've embarrassed myself enough in that thread and I desperately need to stop embarrassing myself, stop hating myself and stop living in that sort of drama, mentally-wise. And I know it's not going to be easy.
Today is Day 2 and I'm trying to save myself.
So what the fuck happened? It was going so well, right? Nothing is really going well with me because I lack the proper mentality and I'm addicted to this kind of defective self-hating mentality. This needs to change. I had been coming from a perfectly achieved almost 3 weeks streak of abstinence from alcohol and PMO. Things were going pretty well but I was too depressed and felt deprived of pleasure and self-medication. I felt I could continue anyway. I had been denying myself the "invitation" to get drunk. Until day 19 of alcohol abstinence when I finally gave in. I listened to the addicted me saying "drink a little bit because you can handle it." I know I can't handle porn and alcohol. Once I start, I don't stop. I got a little drunk, not out cold, and then I binged PMO. And I proceeded to PMO every day from then on until 2 days ago. Alcohol has been involved too in some days.
I know it sounds like a cliche but nobody comes to save myself. In order to escape this stupid empty life of a guy addicted to drama, self-hate and addictive behaviors and substances I need to go through the suffering that it implies. Those days when I feel so depressed and deprived of "pleasure", when I feel so empty and low, those are the price I need to pay for living for pleasure.
There is no miracle cure that is waiting for me somewhere, this is just the mentality when you postpone the suck that needs to be lived in order to escape. Nobody escapes pleasure easily. Pleasure and pain are the two faces of the same coin, after pleasure there comes pain and after pain you use pleasure.
It's not difficult to describe my situation: Trying to fix my shattered inner world with "drugs". Somewhere very early in my life I got this self-medicating programming, I don't know how but my default mentality became self-medication, instant relief, running away from my life, "rewarding" myself from enduring the pain of being me every day. And obviously, at the age of 31, it's clear that it doesn't work. It's been clear for longer but denial is one of the phases, usually the initial phase, you deny the problem until you can't run away from it anymore, it's right there in front of you and you recognize the problem.
Can someone transform himself from complete loser to hero? Of course. But will this someone do the hard work and suffering necessary for that? That's up to him. You can reinvent yourself in 3 years if you really invest the work.
Where am I now? Day 2, feeling like a complete wreck: No motivation, high anxiety, brain fog, high neuroticism basically. The typical PMO binge aftermath. But I'm trying to escape.
I've decided to start this new journal because I have so many negative emotions about the other one and it can even be deleted as far as I'm concerned. It reminds me of a version of myself that I'm trying to leave behind. I've embarrassed myself enough in that thread and I desperately need to stop embarrassing myself, stop hating myself and stop living in that sort of drama, mentally-wise. And I know it's not going to be easy.
Today is Day 2 and I'm trying to save myself.
So what the fuck happened? It was going so well, right? Nothing is really going well with me because I lack the proper mentality and I'm addicted to this kind of defective self-hating mentality. This needs to change. I had been coming from a perfectly achieved almost 3 weeks streak of abstinence from alcohol and PMO. Things were going pretty well but I was too depressed and felt deprived of pleasure and self-medication. I felt I could continue anyway. I had been denying myself the "invitation" to get drunk. Until day 19 of alcohol abstinence when I finally gave in. I listened to the addicted me saying "drink a little bit because you can handle it." I know I can't handle porn and alcohol. Once I start, I don't stop. I got a little drunk, not out cold, and then I binged PMO. And I proceeded to PMO every day from then on until 2 days ago. Alcohol has been involved too in some days.
I know it sounds like a cliche but nobody comes to save myself. In order to escape this stupid empty life of a guy addicted to drama, self-hate and addictive behaviors and substances I need to go through the suffering that it implies. Those days when I feel so depressed and deprived of "pleasure", when I feel so empty and low, those are the price I need to pay for living for pleasure.
There is no miracle cure that is waiting for me somewhere, this is just the mentality when you postpone the suck that needs to be lived in order to escape. Nobody escapes pleasure easily. Pleasure and pain are the two faces of the same coin, after pleasure there comes pain and after pain you use pleasure.
It's not difficult to describe my situation: Trying to fix my shattered inner world with "drugs". Somewhere very early in my life I got this self-medicating programming, I don't know how but my default mentality became self-medication, instant relief, running away from my life, "rewarding" myself from enduring the pain of being me every day. And obviously, at the age of 31, it's clear that it doesn't work. It's been clear for longer but denial is one of the phases, usually the initial phase, you deny the problem until you can't run away from it anymore, it's right there in front of you and you recognize the problem.
Can someone transform himself from complete loser to hero? Of course. But will this someone do the hard work and suffering necessary for that? That's up to him. You can reinvent yourself in 3 years if you really invest the work.
Where am I now? Day 2, feeling like a complete wreck: No motivation, high anxiety, brain fog, high neuroticism basically. The typical PMO binge aftermath. But I'm trying to escape.
Last edited: