My rebooting journal

[iampf]

Hi and thanks for reading.

04/25/2024. I want this to be the last (and first) day of my new life.

Have been fighting porn for years. Probably like a lot of you here. I actually had a thread in the 20-29 group, but as it does, porn has stuck around, and I've got older. So time to join the next decade and throw myself back into the fight.

I realized today, after my PMO, that I really. do. not. want. to. live. this. life. (of porn use that is). I'll be honest, I PMOd today for roughly 4-6hrs. Just got lost in it. As I am want to do.

And after it's over, the common feelings come - regret, angst. And an iron determination (that seems to last a week/month/ few months if I'm lucky).

So I've decided to start a new journal of rebooting. I'll try to post here regularly, at least a couple of times a week. And I'll try to be involved more in supporting the rest of you brave souls fighting P on your own journey. I'm determined - today - to put at least a 20 minutes or so a day into recovery work. I'll look at reading, programs: all that I am involved in I'll post here. And I also want to make a promise to myself, to be involved in this forum/community - to read and support the others here on the same journey as me - which I have know I've slacked at doing in the past.

So day 1 tomorrow. And then, god willing, a long number of days in succession.

 

[iampf]

May 2024

I've had a couple of relapses since my last post. Two I think, to be exact. Naturally, my absence from posting here coincided with some relapses ... who would have thought :/ Last was around two weeks ago so I'm slowly getting into gear.

I've been listened to a podcast by a guy called Eric; or "powerful Eric" as he calls himself. Some interesting food for thought on my drives. I can usually get through around one episode. Some things I've learnt/remembered from this podcast that I want to embrace in my recovery:

a) the need to build an awesome life to replace the life that has P use - I don't think everything in life has to be 'awesome', but I agree that I feel the need to build something to replace my usage or existing habits, to the point where I don't feel the need to fall into a P trap again.

b) using mindfulness: I've slowly started to make small attempts at mindfulness. This podcast recommends it as a sure way to break through the addiction. I am tempted to try a few programs out and learn a few techniques, and see where that takes me.

Finally, one podcast he talks of a fellow he helped. This fellow took a photo of himself acting out - where he sat, in a hunched over position. It served as motivation to quit. I've not taken a photo of myself, but the image of where I sat last is somewhat seared in my mind, and is serving some motivation for me.

Moving forward, my goal is to start and finish The Porn Trap, along with the exercises, which I've tried to start and finish a few times but have usually only got part way before one of giving up, forgetting my progress or relapsing occurs. It seems to be a good program to use to help break through the addition. At this stage I'm definitely feeling some sort of flat-line coming on (or already here) so it might be a good time to get into this book prior to the urges returning. I'll try to post some of my exercises or at least a summary here.

Anyhow thank you and stay strong.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hi Iampf!
First of all welcome to the forum and well done for taking the first step in what is going to be a difficult but rewarding journey. We all want to be free of this addiction but it's going to be tough and there will be relapses. The point is that we have to keep going and help eachother.
I would advise to read some of the other topics on here as well, there is a wealth of knowlegde on here and no journey is the same but ultimately we all have the same end goal.

Second, the first advice obviously is going on hard mode. 30 days no PMO, no sex, no nothing. Not even normal masturbation. 30 days of abstinence. This will help do the first reset. And indeed focus on positive, enforcing behaviours, things that bring you perspective and reflection.
But also don't overdo it. It's a difficult balance and you won't get it right the first time but you will get there eventually.

Just keep posting here (preferably daily) and be kind to yourself.

Good luck!

 

[iampf]

Hi Iampf!
First of all welcome to the forum and well done for taking the first step in what is going to be a difficult but rewarding journey. We all want to be free of this addiction but it's going to be tough and there will be relapses. The point is that we have to keep going and help eachother.
I would advise to read some of the other topics on here as well, there is a wealth of knowlegde on here and no journey is the same but ultimately we all have the same end goal.

Second, the first advice obviously is going on hard mode. 30 days no PMO, no sex, no nothing. Not even normal masturbation. 30 days of abstinence. This will help do the first reset. And indeed focus on positive, enforcing behaviours, things that bring you perspective and reflection.
But also don't overdo it. It's a difficult balance and you won't get it right the first time but you will get there eventually.

Just keep posting here (preferably daily) and be kind to yourself.

Good luck!

Thank you for your advice: I'm going through journals and posts now and I'll keep doing to more often. You're definitely right - there's a wealth of knowledge and experience within this forum - no need to reinvent the wheel!

I'll also have to restart my hard reset - I've been MOing (without P, twice) when the urges get a bit too much. And in the interim focus on those positive behaviours as you suggested.

Not much to add to be honest - tonight I'll try to make some inroads into the porn trap book and do some exercises - perhaps set a goal for 1-2 weeks to finish the book. I also do need to find myself a therapist to help me with this journey. I wonder if it's possible without a therapist - most suggestions I've encountered seem to be that it is not.

 

[CloseToToast]

Hey Iampf! Glad to see you post again! Keep up the momentum!

Dont expect win on the first try. The journey you have begun is the hardest thing i have ever done and am going through in my life. I have beat smoking addiction, video game addiction but still fighting Porn addiction & Food addiction. I have made progress on weight loss before and will again but the Porn i find to be the hardest. I share this because understanding that you may fail from time to time is key. Not allowing yourself to give up is your first win. Accepting that it happened, making small changes to try to make it not happen again and rebuilding the new foundation of who you want to be.
You ask is it necessary to have a therapist, only you can answer that. Does your mental/behavior challenges feel like you are unable to beat them yourself? if you try and then reflect on it and your answer is yes or lets try it, it may be what is right for you.

Celebrate 1 day because if you usually didnt go more than 1 day you have already won.
Then Celebrate 2 days, and on and on.
You made it a week? that is absolutely crushing it.
You relapse? ok you just made it a week, it doesnt ruin that. just gives you another chance to make another change.

Just Keep Pushing Forward and Dont Give Up

 

[iampf]

Thanks Wink for the positive message. I agree gotta keep on the positive mindset with this process. Keep pushing.

Today’s been fine. Somewhat productive. A bit of nerves and sadness. Mostly just thinking bout how long I’ve been working to get it outta my life and how many slip ups I’ve had.

I’m ok though. Pushing on.

What have I learnt today. Listened to some more podcasts. A takeaway from that: when counting days, be positive. Your subconscious mind doesn’t hear the “not” in “I’ve not looked at P for x days”. Turn it into “I’ve been clean /self controlled/whatever for x days.” Focus on the positive.

I’m gonna implement that from today.

Second thing: been reading “Always Turned On” book. Just under half way thru. Probably gonna work thru this prior to The Porn Trap. Less exercises in this one so far.

Stay strong all. x

 

[CloseToToast]

A takeaway from that: when counting days, be positive

This is so important! Take a step back and ask yourself if you were to celebrate how much time you have had away from Porn and how much time you have spent placing effort on change, if that answer is even 1 full day... or 30 separate 1 full day's you should seriously be proud of yourself. That time is not wasted or doesnt count for nothing because you restarted. Its change slowly building and eating away at all of the negative and any time away from Porn is healing time and just a little bit more motivation and discipline to do better next time.

If it doesnt challenge you it wont change you

 

[iampf]

This is so important! Take a step back and ask yourself if you were to celebrate how much time you have had away from Porn and how much time you have spent placing effort on change, if that answer is even 1 full day... or 30 separate 1 full day's you should seriously be proud of yourself. That time is not wasted or doesnt count for nothing because you restarted. Its change slowly building and eating away at all of the negative and any time away from Porn is healing time and just a little bit more motivation and discipline to do better next time.

If it doesnt challenge you it wont change you

Thanks toast! Agree.
And 100%, what agood line - if it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you. So true.

Makes me more enthusiastic about this undertaking.

Not much to mention today. Adding another day clean. Reaching 18 days clean I think? Looking forward to hitting 21 and onwards.

Still reading this book I’m just over half way. Would be nice to get thru it by the end of the week.

Also listening to podcasts - went for a run and listened to more Powerful Eric. More on mindfulness today. Another thing to read about and trial in my efforts.

From the podcast I took the advice of a reduction in social media and phone use so I’ve made a limit for the browser in my phone, and logged out of social media for now. Let’s see how that goes. It would be nice to see a reduction over the next few weeks.

I’ll still be on here though, for sure.

 

[iampf]

Day 19 clean living: quick update, last few days have been busy. Have really only had time to browse other journals on this site when I have a spare moment, in between reading my current book. Always turned on. Bout 65% thru. I’ll probably tackle porn trap after this and maybe a more motivational one too.

Been happy to see the journals I follow on here pushing ahead with their progress too

Been thinking on what Toast said above re a therapist. The book I am reading suggests it’s an essential. I’ve tried many times prior to quit. Though felt I’ve kinda given up earlier previously in my self building and activity in something like this forum, so I’m hopeful continuing to post here will keep me focused. I’m determined to get thru my books that I have lined up.

On a negative point I am feeling quite nervous at times. Lots of ruminating and quite a bit of self blame which I’m trying to work through, though it’s hard. Logically I know don’t blame yourself, more forward, but emotionally, it’s hard.

Amother positive has been screen time - my time on my phone for the last week is like a ski slope - from 6hrs to around 3.5. Some of this is maps / podcasts when I drive. But it’s good to be making progress there (even if I currently have the time filter for my browser have an option to give me 15 more minutes! ).

Keeping active too which is helping.

I should start to set some goals - very short term at least - so I can get through these books and things I want to do.

keep calm and carry on all.

 

[CloseToToast]

I should start to set some goals - very short term at least - so I can get through these books and things I want to do.

Hey iampf! Hope Sunday and Monday treated you well! Appreciate your post and update. I personally find that my cornerstone for progress against P/M/O is these sort of goals. Just something to positively measure against to cut through what can be overwhelmingly negative feelings.

Clean the house
Lose 5 lbs
Eat Healthy for 7 days straight
Read a book
Do something new
Finish a project around the house

Anything that can be a small goal that helps build a better habit

 

[iampf]

Thanks Toast! You too.

I agree - need to make a list of goals so that, at the very least, I'm moving forwards, by doing the things I think are important. Things like, finish that book and work on reducing body fat below a certain percentage. I might look into a body fat scale as you guys have!

Day 25 clean lifestyle.

Not much to add from me. Been quite busy last few days so haven't had a chance to post (or do much in the way of reboot/recovery work - haven't actually had a moment to read). Hopeful over the next few days to get through my book I'm reading and make some more posts on here.

Urges haven't been that significant with how busy I've been - but I am aware, once it slows down the urges may return. Need to keep focused!

Keep strong guys.