No PMO Day 269; no MO Day 75; no SUB Day 6
I had a nice day with my family yesterday. Urges are low at the moment, although internet use hasn't been healthy. I've had to admit that although I was bingeing on YT because I was tired and stressed, actually it has been making me more tired and stressed. And there were a few times that I wasn't patient with my partner and son and it wasn't because of life happening to me, it was because I wasn't taking care of myself and couldn't regulate my emotions. "Sorry I was a dick to you and our son; I was watching videos about the Kendrick and Drake beef and Tik Tok shorts copied to YouTube way past my bedtime even though I knew I had to be up early to give him his milk and take him to kindergarten." It's a weird sentence to say, especially as an over 40-year-old. But there it is. Made a gratitude list with my partner yesterday which was nice. Her father is quite ill and it's quite possible he is on his way out so we have agreed to take care of ourselves better so we can be ready for whatever situations arise.
I've continued the no-fantasy rule with intimacies. It's working well to an extent, although I do have strong urges to supplement and top up my pleasure with extras. I will just continue to work with this until it becomes more natural. It's quite something how porn had made me so focused on my own pleasure for so long, and how selfish I've become about that over the years. The amazing thing is though that I spend so much less time thinking about and needing (wanting) sex than I used to. I guess it's logical because I don't spend hours of each day watching people do it and simulating it with my hand, but experientially it's not something I thought would or could ever happen. Another small effect of this has been that I do feel a bit more present. The pull of pining over exes etc. does seem to be a little less strong than before and I think my partner can feel it.
Have a great week!