I posted this on GBS thread in men’s section. Putting this here. My purpose is to be helpful. Ten years ago, there was no opportunity to talk to others. Most info out then was, Well ladies it is a guy thing! My hurt as a partner was too great for that dismissive comment. So I talked to guys on chat boards about how it felt. They helped me and I helped them. Then Gabe started this site. I have been here since the beginning. If one marriage succeeds or just one person understands or I help lessen a modicum of pain then I have succeeded. Taking this walk has been the hardest thing I have done in my life.
For those that feel I think I speak for all women, I do not feel that. If you read through the women’s section, most have these feelings. My goal is to help men understand that we get strong visceral feelings about porn use by our partners/husbands. I was not a porn hater, my husband and I had watched together. Him watching and pulling away from our marriage and sex life was the problem. This is also something that can be verified through reading from the women and some men here in their writing. I personally never had boundaries that excluded sex during our time working through this, nor did he. I knew I loved him and giving up on our marriage was not going to happen. So we worked on it together. I felt he cheated. I had to have a way to get past that. I had to know he wanted us to last. Our comfort phrase was “I’m not going anywhere.” It was not easy. It took a year before I thought we might make it through. A year. I try to share so men know we do not know because we never thought we would feel this pain. We are flying blind too and we have no idea what to do. Geoff Steurer says it best, “You are our band aid for our pain.” And also the cause. We need you to be that bandaid. We want you there with us understanding, but we want all of you. If anyone wants to know the boundaries we mutually set, let me know. They are contained in Hello Gentleman now we Begin. They are mutually participatory. But just know at this time we need you more than ever.
*This is not speaking for all women everywhere in the world. Just a compilation from my 10 year journey both going through and working with others.
For those that feel I think I speak for all women, I do not feel that. If you read through the women’s section, most have these feelings. My goal is to help men understand that we get strong visceral feelings about porn use by our partners/husbands. I was not a porn hater, my husband and I had watched together. Him watching and pulling away from our marriage and sex life was the problem. This is also something that can be verified through reading from the women and some men here in their writing. I personally never had boundaries that excluded sex during our time working through this, nor did he. I knew I loved him and giving up on our marriage was not going to happen. So we worked on it together. I felt he cheated. I had to have a way to get past that. I had to know he wanted us to last. Our comfort phrase was “I’m not going anywhere.” It was not easy. It took a year before I thought we might make it through. A year. I try to share so men know we do not know because we never thought we would feel this pain. We are flying blind too and we have no idea what to do. Geoff Steurer says it best, “You are our band aid for our pain.” And also the cause. We need you to be that bandaid. We want you there with us understanding, but we want all of you. If anyone wants to know the boundaries we mutually set, let me know. They are contained in Hello Gentleman now we Begin. They are mutually participatory. But just know at this time we need you more than ever.
*This is not speaking for all women everywhere in the world. Just a compilation from my 10 year journey both going through and working with others.