In January 2009, my wife and I were married. Until then, masturbation and pornography were of constant use. I thought that when I got married, all of this would go away and that married intimacy would solve the problem. However, I was wrong. Throughout our marriage, I continued to use pornography, drugs, alcohol, and masturbation to escape my problems instead of dealing with them. My first emotional AP occurred in 2010, shortly after we were married, through a gaming app where we could communicate. My wife caught me talking to her. I then deleted the app after that. In 2012, we moved to Montana to be closer to family. My use of drugs and alcohol, along with pornography and masturbation, ramped up. Eventually, pornography wasn’t giving me the “high” I needed, so I started cruising dating sites and talking to different women. 2018, I started soliciting myself for oral sex on Craigslist and had my first physical AP. This new rush of adrenaline or momentary high heightened my need for more sexual acting out. It wasn’t until 2019 when my wife went out of town for a couple of days that I solicited myself online again and had AP#2 and AP#3 at our house. 2020 I continued down the rabbit hole of pornography usage. Still looking for opportunities to act out, I waited till my wife had a job outside the house. I was soon soliciting myself online again for oral sex. This is when I met AP#4 and AP#5. Shortly after these affairs, I met up with AP#6 and was intimate twice. While setting up a laptop for my son, I solicited myself yet again. My wife borrowed the laptop and there in front of her was my correspondence email for soliciting. I was caught and didn’t want to deal with the consequences, so I packed my bags and left. I left four children and my wife for my addictions. Moving into a house with another guy, I began drinking and using drugs daily. During this stint, I had 4 more emotional APs. After a short while, my roommate introduced me to physical AP#7. My wife caught me with this woman, too.
In mid-March 2021, I realized what I was doing and how I was damaging my family because of my ignorance. I asked my wife if I could move back in, to which she replied, “No.” I was in complete shock, foolishly thinking she would just let me walk back into her and the kid’s life with no repercussion. Shortly after asking to move back in, my wife and I agreed to attend Heart2Heart counseling in Colorado, where they specialize in sex addiction. After our three-day intensive, we returned home. Since then, our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, our communication is even better and our love life is more fulfilling.
Anytime you want change, embrace discipline.