I want to be a better person

[coolfool]

Hi fellows!

First of all, I need to say how much knowledge I gained in less than a week. How much your stories helped me to understand that I wasn't alone and also to discover, for the first time in my life that I HAVE a problem. and because for every problem there's a solution, I have committed myself to do it!.

I'm 23 years old and I study and work hard to achieve my goals. I consider myself an attractive person without problems to have any kind of relationship with anyone. I don't have any confidence problems, I know what I want and I'm always trying to reach it no matters what.

BUT... (You will see that I'm not pretending to be an arrogant bitch)

Four days ago -June 30 Th of 2014- something happened to me. For the first time in my life, I was in bed with a hot foreign girl, I've been looking for that chance for the whole semester (since she's an international exchange student), and I wasn't able to perform! Nothing at all!
I felt so bad, I bit desperate if I have to describe my feelings. My solution was just to blame the wine we took before the failed sexual encounter and also I said I was really tired because I've gotten up really early that morning.
Non of that was a lie, but I knew that it wasn't the real thing. I knew that something was happening there and, since I stayed for good night of sexless cuddling and sleeping, I got the whole night to thing what the hell was happening to me.
To finish the story, I came back to my place and the very next day I jerked off watching porn, just to demonstrate to myself that I was able to have an erection with some stimulus and that I was just a bad night. And I succeeded! (My happy world made out of false expectations was working again)

Of course I couldn't be more wrong, and that's what you guys made me understand.

I've been reading a lot since Tuesday's night and I learnt many things. I felt identified with many of the sensations that you describe while being porn addicts (brain fog, ED of course, the big need to novel porn images, being confused of why I liked such hardcore porn, irritability...

Man, I even realize that I haven't enjoyed sex or even kissing with a girl since years. I wasted some of the best years of my sexual life imagining that I was a porn actor and thinking about the videos I've seen thousands of times instead of enjoying the exact moment with awesome girls. I just feel very stupid. It would be like being gifted with the chance of being the best player at any sport and instead of seizing the opportunity, you prefer to play that sport on your favourite video game console.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the long introduction.

I'm here and this is my day 3. Let's see what happens!

Thanks in advance for the support and since English it's not my mother tongue, you will have to excuse me if I wrote something weird. I'm just writing everything as it flows from my mind.

 

[fnatk]

Hi there coolfool! First of all, congrats on finding us and opening up about your problem! Its a HUGE step! Secondly, your English is fine, I found your post cohesive and easy to read so don't worry about that

Getting that first ED moment is something scary for any man, and luckily you came to the conclusion that you were completely wrong about it being okay since you could jerk off to P. From here on, things are going to be hard (pun intended) but in the end, I'm sure it will all be worth it!

The thing I really picked up on is how you realized that you didn't enjoy sex or even kissing a girl for years and living in the moment! I know exactly how that feels! I had a friend with benefits for several years a bit on and off and she was a bit wild in bed and extremely eager, always wanted to go 3 or more times in one night... but I remember one night being very tired from working a late shift the night before and then having to get up early the next morning, so after the first time I was actually too tired for more and decided to just kiss her properly to distract her...

And we spent about half an hour just making out, no other sexual touching or anything and afterwards we were both a bit mind-blown at how amazing it was! It was sensual, sexy and just extremely intimate and afterwards she cuddled up to me and we talked for maybe another half hour before falling asleep. Thinking back on it now, its probably my absolute favorite memory of her, she was my friend and I liked her but I didn't fall in love with her. And I think I didn't because I was too busy focusing on the sex we had, I missed out on being with a girl I in retrospect realize was absolutely amazing and we always had fun together (Outside bed too!).

Sorry for the long reply about myself in your journal haha, it kind flowed just like your post did. Either way, you'll find that there's support here for you, there's even more to learn about this addiction still and I thought it was really good to read in your intro that you'd gained a lot of knowledge in this past week! Knowing is half the battle my friend, now the other half is that daily battle of saying no to PMO!

 

[coolfool]

Hi fnatk! Don't worry about your long reply! Reading is one of my things, so everything that can help us through this thing is also more than welcome!

About your story. That's pretty hardcore! It's great to hear that thing. Honestly, I don't even think that any friend of mine ever told me a story like that one. When you've found something special, you stick to it, right? But what if you don't realize that it's special until it's too late.'

I think that's my story with this girl I wrote about. I tried yesterday again, with all the information in my mind and even with vitamin V (if you know what I mean) and nothing again. It was certainly better, I managed to show that I do have a working sword but once I was about to go for it, the same thing than the other day...

How did I feel? Relieved! I swear to God that I was still a bit embarrassed of course. The girl completely understood the situation and even if she's leaving tomorrow back to her country and I'm probably not going to see her back at least until next year, I'm happy because we had something like the story you had  with your female friend.

So you can imagine how nice was reading your story and feeling like I was there (except for the part of having sex) But it didn't seem to be THAT important for me anymore. I was sleeping with a really hot girl next to me and I didn't feel the urge to show her (and show to myself) that I'm a Macho man, because I was happy, just having her next to me.

By the way, I've just seen the film Don Jon, I strongly recommend you guys to give it a try if you haven't. It's kind of the thing that happens right here to us.

Concluding my post and since this is also my reboot journal, I have to say that I'm starting to feel the big flatline! on day five! I don't feel any cravings. I did't yesterday but it was something insignificant. I also experience constant semen leakages. 

And I'm starting to take this process as the golden chance to really appreciate everything else life has to offer.

I'm out for today! Thanks a lot again Fnatk! this place is making saving my life! After my second "failure" if I haven't had this place I would have freaked out god only know how. Thaaaanks!

 

[coolfool]

Hi guys!

I'm writing again, after some days saying that I'm still in !!!!

It's been difficult, I had more than one anxiety attack (which sucked really hard) also I almost fell into temptation after some dirty chats on facebook and whatsapp but I'm proud to say that I'm still there. Today is day number 23.

I have to point three things:

1) I'm not sure if I experienced the flatline, Maybe the first days were a bit peaceful but nothing really noticeable. I'm wondering if I will get it some of these days. An important thing to note is that since day 10 (more or less), every time I touch my crotch (to pee or while I'm taking a shower, I feel thing I never felt before. It's so sensitive now!

2) I also have to thank to the cold showers. I've been taking one almost daily and it is amazing. I'm trying to convince everyone to take them. I lost some weight, My ideas are clearer, the brain fog is almost dead and I have so much energy!

3) I feel so much better with myself. Now I know how emotionally strong we have to be to get rid of our "flaws". Now I'm starting to think that my journal's name " I want to be a better person" is something that we all want. All the time, even if we don't realize that.

Concluding my entry: Tomorrow night I'm having a hot date with a MILF! Hope everything works fine!!

Thanks for reading

 

[coolfool]

I just came back from my date. And it was amazing!!! These 25 days helped me a lot

I managed to do it three times without any effort, I never lost my erection and everything was great! I am 23 years old and last time I did it three times I was 14 or 15.

These kind of things boost my confidence towards the future!

I'm tired as fuck but happy at the same time!

 

[Mark-II]

Cool,

I'm glad to hear that you had such an amazing date!!!  I bet you were in rare form after 25 days!  lol...  I bet she could barely handle it. 

Keep up the good work...  You're a bit further into the reboot than me, so it's cool to see what my future may hold.

Seems to me like you are definitely on your way to being a better person. 

 

[coolfool]

Thanks Mark! You really brought some thing important, if not the most important thing I learnt yesterday: I felt a connection with my date that I didn't feel in a long time.


She wasn't a piece of meat any more, we had a good time and that's why I think this process is helping me to be a better person, less superficial and shallow than before.

Thanks again for the support! I hope both of us keep getting better and better!

Many hugs for all the rebooters !