Going to beat this

[kickingit]

Hi friends,

First time I've ever posted in anything like this, so bear with me!

I'm addicted to porn. Not sure if I'm addicted to masturbating, but for sure I'm addicted to doing it while online. Lately I've been spending more and more time in webcam rooms looking for a female to share myself (and herself with). I KNOW this is wrong on so many levels.

First a bit about me. I'm married, with 2 kids. I'm happily married - in fact I married my best friend almost 25 years ago. We are well off and have careers that are flying. We're living the American dream by all standards. 2 cars, cabin, boat and a healthy sex life. But for some reason I get distracted or drawn to the web and looking for "virtual encounters".

I've been doing this for a couple of years, off and on. But it wasn't until lately that I began thinking about it - a lot. And I am engaging in it - a lot. I have never been unfaithful in the real world.

I find it highly arousing at the time (even thinking about it now I'm tempted to go look). But when it is all over I feel disgusted with myself and ashamed as I know I have everything any man could ever want.

I have a job where I can work from home. I think that's a trigger for me when I am alone. I figure "what can it harm" - the beast inside my mind gets the best of me.

Today I masturbated online. It's unbelievable because I have a discussion in my brain about what is right and wrong, think of your family, your career, your place in the community, etc. - but the beast has been winning a lot lately. And I'm having a tough time controlling him.

Today when I got the urge, I immediately hit the ground and did 40 pushups. When he got me again, I did 20 more. I thought I could deflect him this way. But it didn't work for long. I've been reading about the positive effects meditation can have on "rewiring" the mind and have begun experimenting with that as well. For me that hasn't worked yet. In fact just writing about this, I am so tempted right now to listen to the beast and going back into a cam site.

I thought I could lick this thing on my own, but I don't think I can.

I need support from you. Any hints, tips, exercises and advice is welcome.

I want to beat this addiction.

Thanks for reading.

KI

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ kickingit

Today I masturbated online. It's unbelievable because I have a discussion in my brain about what is right and wrong, think of your family, your career, your place in the community, etc. - but the beast has been winning a lot lately. And I'm having a tough time controlling him.

That beast is the reward circuit in your brain craving novelty. Don't dwell on the "this is wrong" point, think about it in terms of, "this will not satsify me". Internet porn/cam sites are novelty producing machines that have the ability to numb and re-wire our brains ultimately leading to LESS pleasure, especially with our real partners. So my advice is to think about this in terms of physiological brain changes and the potential for problems.

Today when I got the urge, I immediately hit the ground and did 40 pushups. When he got me again, I did 20 more.

That's great and continue to do this... but as the urge didn't go away with this, take it as a learning opportunity and get out of the house next time. I suggest printing off some articles from YBOP and taking them outside with a notepad and reading them and taking notes on them. Learning about this addiction and different things about recovery was very beneficial for my reboot especially in times of stress. OR, print off success stories and go read them somewhere and meditate on why you are rebooting and giving up porn in the first place.

My advice is to change your mindset from trying to avoid "the beast" to pursuing "your dreams". The fact is cam sites will not satsify you, or provide you with the sustaining pleasure you think they will when you are engaging in it. So understand and tell yourself that the reason you are giving up cam sites is not because you "cant because it's wrong" but because "you want the most joy and pleasure out of life"

There is no amount of pixels that will ever love you back. Pursue your wife and use the extra energy on other healthy things.

Hope the best for you and welcome to the Nation.