I found this site this morning and can't get off it. What a great find. It's time to tell my story of this lifelong problem and all of the awfulness it has caused. I will apologize in advance for the length but this is the first time I have ever truly come clean to anyone....
my background. I am 33.5..Discovered my first ever porno mag in my dads drawer sometime between 10-11 years old. Couldn't wait for my parents to leave the house and run to that magazine once I did. After time, I realized I had urges to start touching myself and stumbled upon jacking off. WHat fun that was...4 times in the first day I think. There was no bigger thrill when every month or so my dad would get a new mag in that drawer...eventually a year or two later at a friends I saw my first ever video. How awesome that was when I was allowed to housesit for them one time and do nothing but run to that tape and pop it in. Maybe my story would have ended there as something every kid experienced.....but then through other life circumstances I became the first kid I knew to get AOL internet access way back when at about 13 or 14. Once I discovered it was a tool for porn images and then videos you can only imagine how I took to that. Hundreds of images of women, sex, lesbians, anything you name it....I can even recall becoming "picky" in my preferences and not getting the same rush from just the sight of a naked woman like I once did.....
as far as real women went...I was very shy in high school. I had crushes and what not but through AOL I actually started talking to some girl at 15 who would become my first girlfriend. Through 2 cases of kids without much parental attention, we were quickly put into a position where we could have sex. I can't recall being all that nervous my first time, in fact I was pretty excited to get to doing what I had seen for years now in my porn. Well what do you know though...when the time came I couldn't get the job done and get it up. Several future attempts had the same problem...maybe it was her I said, maybe I was nervous about pregnancy, getting caught, etc.....
Had no problem meeting women after that and still didn't give too much thought to my previous failure. Dated quite a few women, fooled around with no sex...sometimes my little friend worked better then others ( I always noticed in worked great in situations where I knew sex was not an option). At about 19 I got my first girlfriend who was ready to have sex. Everytime it came down to the moment I couldn't get hard. She was shocked and devastated but we stayed together for some time....and OF COURSE, this entire time I would leave her house, come home and run to my computer and take care of business happily to my porn. At this point I started asking myself some serious questions....what the hell is wrong with me? does my dick not work properly? am I <gasp> maybe not even into chicks? hmm...but that doesn't make sense, cause I WAS extremely attracted to women and WANTED to have sex with them ....the thought of porn being the problem crossed my mind way back then. I remember one time abstaining for 2 weeks ( my longest to date)....nope, problem still there. Guess I can go back to doing it! Also, other guys would talk about whacking off and porn so why the heck was I any different?
When I got my next girlfriend I knew I had to do something...so I bought some Viagra online. Low and behold, I was able to have sex finally at 19/20. I remember it was an amazing feeling of accomplishment....but still, always had fears in the back of my head of things not working. Also noticed that it was extremely, extremely difficult for me to ejaculate in either sex, handjobs from women, or oral. But that never stopped me from sneeking in my porn at the same rate. I had a few sexual partners and girlfriends after, but it was always still a big ordeal everytime knowing IF it would work/how long it would work/ what would happen if it didn't . At some point, I once again lost all of my mojo when I got to college later in life and hookups started with "strangers". The amount of women I could have been with versus the amount of failures is just laughable. Got to the point where I would avoid sexual situations and of course develop a list of proven excuses....too tired, don't feel good, we should wait to get to know each other, blah blah blah etc....My defense mechanism in a sexual situation was to get wasted and try to forget about it...( which of course is making the problem worse)....this has continued for years and years. When I hear people make comments about going nuts after not having sex for a few weeks I would just laugh inside my head knowing what I go through. I feel different because I always had my addiction ready at my fingertips to please me when/whenever, and how many times I needed it. Despite the fact I longed for a relationship with a good woman, felt attraction to them both physically and emotionally, I still just didn't have that inner desire to need to have sex with them. Whether it be the porn or because I knew what would happen if we tried ( not much!)
fast forward to now....I have met someone who is truly amazing. She is everything I would want in a wife. There is only one thing that will/is holding us back and I need to overcome it. We have been dating for 2 months with no sex. Been close to working several times but I am still having my same issues. Once or twice I was able to abstain from PMO 4 days or so...all that seemed to do was decrease my desire and libido for anything. Then of course I used my twisted justification to "test" it out while using some ED drugs with porn to make sure all things work and of course they do. I have been able to excuse my way into somewhat normalcy to this point but I know my time will run out if I don't make some changes...I think I have finally realized what a HUGE, HUGE problem I am facing here and the thought of losing this woman and growing up old and alone is just driving me insane...I have turned to daily alcohol, chain smoking, extreme anxiety, extreme attachment to this woman, work issues, detachment from friends.....I truly am close to going off the deep end. I have even questioned whether life is worth living to be perfectly honest with you.....
I found this site this morning in one of my recent bouts of not sleeping well. Reading some familiar stories here and getting this off my chest is already helping. My plan going forward is to try my damn hardest to STOP with PMO right damn now. It is going to be extremely difficult, to say the least, but I want to make the plunge to try and reboot. I fear the length of time I have partaken in this addiction will be one lengthy battle to see any results...but all you can do is try. I am hopeful with some time, patience, some bumpy moments, and a little help from medicine that I can get into somewhat of a normal healthy relationship with this amazing woman. Regardless, I will not be able to be with ANYONE until I knock this addiction out.....thanks for reading if you made it thus far
Bryan
my background. I am 33.5..Discovered my first ever porno mag in my dads drawer sometime between 10-11 years old. Couldn't wait for my parents to leave the house and run to that magazine once I did. After time, I realized I had urges to start touching myself and stumbled upon jacking off. WHat fun that was...4 times in the first day I think. There was no bigger thrill when every month or so my dad would get a new mag in that drawer...eventually a year or two later at a friends I saw my first ever video. How awesome that was when I was allowed to housesit for them one time and do nothing but run to that tape and pop it in. Maybe my story would have ended there as something every kid experienced.....but then through other life circumstances I became the first kid I knew to get AOL internet access way back when at about 13 or 14. Once I discovered it was a tool for porn images and then videos you can only imagine how I took to that. Hundreds of images of women, sex, lesbians, anything you name it....I can even recall becoming "picky" in my preferences and not getting the same rush from just the sight of a naked woman like I once did.....
as far as real women went...I was very shy in high school. I had crushes and what not but through AOL I actually started talking to some girl at 15 who would become my first girlfriend. Through 2 cases of kids without much parental attention, we were quickly put into a position where we could have sex. I can't recall being all that nervous my first time, in fact I was pretty excited to get to doing what I had seen for years now in my porn. Well what do you know though...when the time came I couldn't get the job done and get it up. Several future attempts had the same problem...maybe it was her I said, maybe I was nervous about pregnancy, getting caught, etc.....
Had no problem meeting women after that and still didn't give too much thought to my previous failure. Dated quite a few women, fooled around with no sex...sometimes my little friend worked better then others ( I always noticed in worked great in situations where I knew sex was not an option). At about 19 I got my first girlfriend who was ready to have sex. Everytime it came down to the moment I couldn't get hard. She was shocked and devastated but we stayed together for some time....and OF COURSE, this entire time I would leave her house, come home and run to my computer and take care of business happily to my porn. At this point I started asking myself some serious questions....what the hell is wrong with me? does my dick not work properly? am I <gasp> maybe not even into chicks? hmm...but that doesn't make sense, cause I WAS extremely attracted to women and WANTED to have sex with them ....the thought of porn being the problem crossed my mind way back then. I remember one time abstaining for 2 weeks ( my longest to date)....nope, problem still there. Guess I can go back to doing it! Also, other guys would talk about whacking off and porn so why the heck was I any different?
When I got my next girlfriend I knew I had to do something...so I bought some Viagra online. Low and behold, I was able to have sex finally at 19/20. I remember it was an amazing feeling of accomplishment....but still, always had fears in the back of my head of things not working. Also noticed that it was extremely, extremely difficult for me to ejaculate in either sex, handjobs from women, or oral. But that never stopped me from sneeking in my porn at the same rate. I had a few sexual partners and girlfriends after, but it was always still a big ordeal everytime knowing IF it would work/how long it would work/ what would happen if it didn't . At some point, I once again lost all of my mojo when I got to college later in life and hookups started with "strangers". The amount of women I could have been with versus the amount of failures is just laughable. Got to the point where I would avoid sexual situations and of course develop a list of proven excuses....too tired, don't feel good, we should wait to get to know each other, blah blah blah etc....My defense mechanism in a sexual situation was to get wasted and try to forget about it...( which of course is making the problem worse)....this has continued for years and years. When I hear people make comments about going nuts after not having sex for a few weeks I would just laugh inside my head knowing what I go through. I feel different because I always had my addiction ready at my fingertips to please me when/whenever, and how many times I needed it. Despite the fact I longed for a relationship with a good woman, felt attraction to them both physically and emotionally, I still just didn't have that inner desire to need to have sex with them. Whether it be the porn or because I knew what would happen if we tried ( not much!)
fast forward to now....I have met someone who is truly amazing. She is everything I would want in a wife. There is only one thing that will/is holding us back and I need to overcome it. We have been dating for 2 months with no sex. Been close to working several times but I am still having my same issues. Once or twice I was able to abstain from PMO 4 days or so...all that seemed to do was decrease my desire and libido for anything. Then of course I used my twisted justification to "test" it out while using some ED drugs with porn to make sure all things work and of course they do. I have been able to excuse my way into somewhat normalcy to this point but I know my time will run out if I don't make some changes...I think I have finally realized what a HUGE, HUGE problem I am facing here and the thought of losing this woman and growing up old and alone is just driving me insane...I have turned to daily alcohol, chain smoking, extreme anxiety, extreme attachment to this woman, work issues, detachment from friends.....I truly am close to going off the deep end. I have even questioned whether life is worth living to be perfectly honest with you.....
I found this site this morning in one of my recent bouts of not sleeping well. Reading some familiar stories here and getting this off my chest is already helping. My plan going forward is to try my damn hardest to STOP with PMO right damn now. It is going to be extremely difficult, to say the least, but I want to make the plunge to try and reboot. I fear the length of time I have partaken in this addiction will be one lengthy battle to see any results...but all you can do is try. I am hopeful with some time, patience, some bumpy moments, and a little help from medicine that I can get into somewhat of a normal healthy relationship with this amazing woman. Regardless, I will not be able to be with ANYONE until I knock this addiction out.....thanks for reading if you made it thus far
Bryan
