Hello everyone:
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Survivor. This is my first post and I want to use it as an opportunity to document my history.
I'm currently 62 years old and have been using porn in some form or another since I was about ten years old. Around that time my parents recruited me to babysit for the neighbors while the four of them got together to play cards. Even at that time I had a basic understanding of, and desire for, some form of sexual stimulation. I knew what porn mags were and I also knew in my gut that the neighbors possessed them. I found them, stacks of them, hidden in their bedroom closet. I would spend hours looking at these mags every time I babysat. Around the same time I found porn in my parents bedroom. At some point I started stealing mags from stores and stashing them in my room. Even though I was unaware of it at the time I realize now that porn detached me from the anger I was feeling at the time regarding having to constantly babysit as opposed to playing outside with my friends. It also zoned me away from feelings of inadequacy because I was a chubby little lefthander that was not good at team sports.
I did not have a girlfriend until the age of seventeen and, because most of my friends did have girlfriends, I remember feeling that I was not as mature as they were, still rather childlike in my own estimation. However, my parents went away one weekend and left me at home. So... I had my first party and invited some of my friends, particularly a girl that I had a crush on. This was the first time I ever got drunk. I remember sitting on the couch talking to this girl. The next thing I remember I was laying on the floor necking with her friend. This other girl became my first girlfriend. Right from the start our relationship was primarily physical in nature as she did not seem to have much interest in anything else. In retrospect the relationship was almost entirely devoid of romance. Because this was my first relationship I perceived this total focus on sexuality to the detriment of anything else to be normal and I was in heaven, losing my virginity shortly after we began dating. After cheating on me with one of my friends she left me for someone else within eight months. Many years later, upon reflection, I realized that my perception of what relationships are about was tainted for me as a result of this experience. From that point, and into a large portion of my adulthood, sex played a primary role in my decision making process regarding the choice of a partner, to the detriment of everything else.
At the age of twenty I traveled to Europe on my own and promptly responded to the allure of prostitution while in Amsterdam. Once again, even though I believe a part of the experience was motivated by normal post-adolescent sexual desire, I now realize my actions, in part, were motivated as a means of escaping loneliness.
Upon returning home I got my own apartment, where I amassed my own collection of porn. Throughout the next five years I had two affairs with my former first girlfriend, even though she was married at the time. The second time I also was in a live-in relationship.
The live-in relationship ended after approximately five years and I once again moved out on my own, amassing yet another porn collection and paying occasional, if infrequent, visits to prostitutes.
In 1983 I met, and married, mt first wife. Within the first year and a half of our marriage we bought a house and I started my own business. I believed I had the perfect life. I was going to be a great husband, turn our home and yard into a palace and create a thriving business operation all at the same time. Needless to say things didn't quite work out as I planned. Gradually the pressure of trying to be all things to all people became too much for me and I sought an escape through prostitution. In order to keep the secret from my wife I distanced myself from her and gradually became a very moody, judgmental and resentful person. This technique worked quite well because after eleven years of marriage she left me. While I acknowledge that I was not totally to blame for the our marital breakdown because she had her unresolved issues my behavior played a huge part in destroying whatever physical, emotional or spiritual intimacy we had shared in the beginning.
After our breakup I no longer felt a desire to visit prostitutes , however I replaced them with copious amounts of videos rented from a nearby adult video store. I told myself that, although I acknowledged having sex with prostitutes while in my marriage was irresponsible it was the framework of our relationship that drove me to do it and now that the relationship was over I was free of the compulsion.
In the fall of that year I entered into a relationship with another woman. I remember the first time I laid eyes on her. It felt like a 10,000 volt surge of electricity charging through my body. In talking to her some time later she stated she felt something quite similar. I know now that, like magnets, we are attracted to people who are in a similar state as our own. Naturally, our sex life in the beginning was stupendous. Additionally, I told her about my previous dalliances with prostitutes while married. She accepted that fact as a part of my past and we continued our relationship. For the first time in as long as I can remember I carried no secrets. It was incredibly freeing. Our relationship moved along hot, heavy and happily for approximately eight months until the controlling, dominating part of her personality, that I chose to ignore in the beginning, began to gain more and more control of my life. My response, as a subconscious means of establishing some form of personal control, was to turn once again to my old friend prostitution. Once again I had a secret. However, unlike the past this time I had a personal revelation. I realized that the whole issue of becoming enmeshed in a controlling relationship and using hookers as a means of escape was nobody's issue but mine and if I did not address this issue it would eventually destroy me. I promptly contacted, and became a member of, Sex Addicts Anonymous. At the same time I informed my girlfriend that I had done so because "I had been having obsessive thoughts regarding picking up hookers again.", and that I joined S.A.A. in response to these thoughts.
She said she would continue to be in relationship with me while I worked on my stuff but would not be sexual with me during the process because she did not want to run the risk of catching an STD. Smart move on her part but absolute hell for me. I'm sure many of you out there must know what it's like to lie next to a beautiful, naked woman knowing that you are unable to touch her. After four months of mutual unhappiness I realized the only way I was ever going to get myself straightened out was to be on my own without any relationship whatsoever, for an indefinite period of time. Sadly I ended the relationship and spent the next year single and deeply committed to the 12 Step program and, as a result, stopped acting out with prostitutes, a behavior I have been free of for the past eighteen years. However, throughout all this time I have not let go of my addiction to pornography.
Within a few months of installing a computer system in my office I was hooked on internet porn. One morning, upon coming into my office, I was confronted by the three women that worked for me. One of them found some of the porn I had accessed on her computer the previous evening. Even though the entire experience was quite humiliating it did not stop me for long.
About a year and a half after getting into S.A.A. I met my second wife. She was also a 12 Step person so she had an understanding of addiction. For the first time in my life I took the time to know a woman for qualities besides sex. We dated for 2 1/2 years prior to moving in together and lived together for another 2 1/2 years prior to getting married. We have always had, and continue to have, a good life together.
However, even with all my best intentions and the help of the 12 Step program, my addiction to internet porn never went away. Throughout the years it would sometimes wax and wane and then I would have a resurgence. But overall, throughout much of this time it was somewhat manageable.
Six years ago we moved from the city to live in the bush approximately six miles outside a town of about 200 people. As a result I lost my friends, my support network and my group. So... I have been trying to deal with this thing pretty much on my own since that time, with mixed results. We used to have two computers. Without my wife's approval I continued to act out on my computer. Well, about two years ago my computer hard-drive was fried as a result of an electrical storm. Of course I'm not going to take in for repairs because we all know what the technician will find when he goes to do the repairs. So... one $1300.00 iMac off to the anonymous recycling depot. What a waste!
We now have one computer, my wife's computer that she does her professional work on. A year ago she insisted that I don't access porn on her computer so as to not run the risk of compromising her business affairs. Well again, we all know how that has turned out don't we? I hid the situation for a year but the other day I got sloppy and forgot to empty the trash. Busted! Good thing too. The secrets were getting far too heavy to carry around much longer.
So... that's my story and here I am. I do want to stop. As I mentioned in the beginning I'm 62 years old and this stuff has been a major bone of contention in my life for over 50 years. It's not even fun anymore. It's simply a temporary means of avoiding the feelings of anxiety (probably induced to some degree by watching porn), resentment (again porn induced), loneliness, a sense of abandonment (due to childhood issues) and low self esteem (once again probably due somewhat to porn).
Oh, one more thing. I always liked that phrase, kinda like Steve Jobs, "Oh, one more thing." Anyway back to being serious. My wife works away from home a lot and I end up being left by myself in the bush. I don't like being alone for too long so porn becomes a big escape for me during these times. But I'm gonna see it through this time. I value my marriage too much not to. And I have three days under my belt already! Wahoo! I've also come to accept that isolating is not going to fix the problem and if I need to connect through the computer in order to be accountable to others of like mind so be it.
HELP FRIENDS!
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Survivor. This is my first post and I want to use it as an opportunity to document my history.
I'm currently 62 years old and have been using porn in some form or another since I was about ten years old. Around that time my parents recruited me to babysit for the neighbors while the four of them got together to play cards. Even at that time I had a basic understanding of, and desire for, some form of sexual stimulation. I knew what porn mags were and I also knew in my gut that the neighbors possessed them. I found them, stacks of them, hidden in their bedroom closet. I would spend hours looking at these mags every time I babysat. Around the same time I found porn in my parents bedroom. At some point I started stealing mags from stores and stashing them in my room. Even though I was unaware of it at the time I realize now that porn detached me from the anger I was feeling at the time regarding having to constantly babysit as opposed to playing outside with my friends. It also zoned me away from feelings of inadequacy because I was a chubby little lefthander that was not good at team sports.
I did not have a girlfriend until the age of seventeen and, because most of my friends did have girlfriends, I remember feeling that I was not as mature as they were, still rather childlike in my own estimation. However, my parents went away one weekend and left me at home. So... I had my first party and invited some of my friends, particularly a girl that I had a crush on. This was the first time I ever got drunk. I remember sitting on the couch talking to this girl. The next thing I remember I was laying on the floor necking with her friend. This other girl became my first girlfriend. Right from the start our relationship was primarily physical in nature as she did not seem to have much interest in anything else. In retrospect the relationship was almost entirely devoid of romance. Because this was my first relationship I perceived this total focus on sexuality to the detriment of anything else to be normal and I was in heaven, losing my virginity shortly after we began dating. After cheating on me with one of my friends she left me for someone else within eight months. Many years later, upon reflection, I realized that my perception of what relationships are about was tainted for me as a result of this experience. From that point, and into a large portion of my adulthood, sex played a primary role in my decision making process regarding the choice of a partner, to the detriment of everything else.
At the age of twenty I traveled to Europe on my own and promptly responded to the allure of prostitution while in Amsterdam. Once again, even though I believe a part of the experience was motivated by normal post-adolescent sexual desire, I now realize my actions, in part, were motivated as a means of escaping loneliness.
Upon returning home I got my own apartment, where I amassed my own collection of porn. Throughout the next five years I had two affairs with my former first girlfriend, even though she was married at the time. The second time I also was in a live-in relationship.
The live-in relationship ended after approximately five years and I once again moved out on my own, amassing yet another porn collection and paying occasional, if infrequent, visits to prostitutes.
In 1983 I met, and married, mt first wife. Within the first year and a half of our marriage we bought a house and I started my own business. I believed I had the perfect life. I was going to be a great husband, turn our home and yard into a palace and create a thriving business operation all at the same time. Needless to say things didn't quite work out as I planned. Gradually the pressure of trying to be all things to all people became too much for me and I sought an escape through prostitution. In order to keep the secret from my wife I distanced myself from her and gradually became a very moody, judgmental and resentful person. This technique worked quite well because after eleven years of marriage she left me. While I acknowledge that I was not totally to blame for the our marital breakdown because she had her unresolved issues my behavior played a huge part in destroying whatever physical, emotional or spiritual intimacy we had shared in the beginning.
After our breakup I no longer felt a desire to visit prostitutes , however I replaced them with copious amounts of videos rented from a nearby adult video store. I told myself that, although I acknowledged having sex with prostitutes while in my marriage was irresponsible it was the framework of our relationship that drove me to do it and now that the relationship was over I was free of the compulsion.
In the fall of that year I entered into a relationship with another woman. I remember the first time I laid eyes on her. It felt like a 10,000 volt surge of electricity charging through my body. In talking to her some time later she stated she felt something quite similar. I know now that, like magnets, we are attracted to people who are in a similar state as our own. Naturally, our sex life in the beginning was stupendous. Additionally, I told her about my previous dalliances with prostitutes while married. She accepted that fact as a part of my past and we continued our relationship. For the first time in as long as I can remember I carried no secrets. It was incredibly freeing. Our relationship moved along hot, heavy and happily for approximately eight months until the controlling, dominating part of her personality, that I chose to ignore in the beginning, began to gain more and more control of my life. My response, as a subconscious means of establishing some form of personal control, was to turn once again to my old friend prostitution. Once again I had a secret. However, unlike the past this time I had a personal revelation. I realized that the whole issue of becoming enmeshed in a controlling relationship and using hookers as a means of escape was nobody's issue but mine and if I did not address this issue it would eventually destroy me. I promptly contacted, and became a member of, Sex Addicts Anonymous. At the same time I informed my girlfriend that I had done so because "I had been having obsessive thoughts regarding picking up hookers again.", and that I joined S.A.A. in response to these thoughts.
She said she would continue to be in relationship with me while I worked on my stuff but would not be sexual with me during the process because she did not want to run the risk of catching an STD. Smart move on her part but absolute hell for me. I'm sure many of you out there must know what it's like to lie next to a beautiful, naked woman knowing that you are unable to touch her. After four months of mutual unhappiness I realized the only way I was ever going to get myself straightened out was to be on my own without any relationship whatsoever, for an indefinite period of time. Sadly I ended the relationship and spent the next year single and deeply committed to the 12 Step program and, as a result, stopped acting out with prostitutes, a behavior I have been free of for the past eighteen years. However, throughout all this time I have not let go of my addiction to pornography.
Within a few months of installing a computer system in my office I was hooked on internet porn. One morning, upon coming into my office, I was confronted by the three women that worked for me. One of them found some of the porn I had accessed on her computer the previous evening. Even though the entire experience was quite humiliating it did not stop me for long.
About a year and a half after getting into S.A.A. I met my second wife. She was also a 12 Step person so she had an understanding of addiction. For the first time in my life I took the time to know a woman for qualities besides sex. We dated for 2 1/2 years prior to moving in together and lived together for another 2 1/2 years prior to getting married. We have always had, and continue to have, a good life together.
However, even with all my best intentions and the help of the 12 Step program, my addiction to internet porn never went away. Throughout the years it would sometimes wax and wane and then I would have a resurgence. But overall, throughout much of this time it was somewhat manageable.
Six years ago we moved from the city to live in the bush approximately six miles outside a town of about 200 people. As a result I lost my friends, my support network and my group. So... I have been trying to deal with this thing pretty much on my own since that time, with mixed results. We used to have two computers. Without my wife's approval I continued to act out on my computer. Well, about two years ago my computer hard-drive was fried as a result of an electrical storm. Of course I'm not going to take in for repairs because we all know what the technician will find when he goes to do the repairs. So... one $1300.00 iMac off to the anonymous recycling depot. What a waste!
We now have one computer, my wife's computer that she does her professional work on. A year ago she insisted that I don't access porn on her computer so as to not run the risk of compromising her business affairs. Well again, we all know how that has turned out don't we? I hid the situation for a year but the other day I got sloppy and forgot to empty the trash. Busted! Good thing too. The secrets were getting far too heavy to carry around much longer.
So... that's my story and here I am. I do want to stop. As I mentioned in the beginning I'm 62 years old and this stuff has been a major bone of contention in my life for over 50 years. It's not even fun anymore. It's simply a temporary means of avoiding the feelings of anxiety (probably induced to some degree by watching porn), resentment (again porn induced), loneliness, a sense of abandonment (due to childhood issues) and low self esteem (once again probably due somewhat to porn).
Oh, one more thing. I always liked that phrase, kinda like Steve Jobs, "Oh, one more thing." Anyway back to being serious. My wife works away from home a lot and I end up being left by myself in the bush. I don't like being alone for too long so porn becomes a big escape for me during these times. But I'm gonna see it through this time. I value my marriage too much not to. And I have three days under my belt already! Wahoo! I've also come to accept that isolating is not going to fix the problem and if I need to connect through the computer in order to be accountable to others of like mind so be it.
HELP FRIENDS!
