My Diary - Age 23

B

benjaminnn

Member
Today is day 1 of me finally taking responsibility and accountability for the ED that I have. I have had this issue since I was 19, and I have been in denial ever since. I didn't want to accept that it was a reality but it has caused relationship issues and led to bad habits, weight gain and constant relapses. Today is the day that it all changes.

I am going to update this every day to hold accountability for myself and share my version of events as I go on this journey. I have loved reading many journals and I hope that mine can be of use also.

:)
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
At the end of day 1. Hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be (no pun intended). Noticed that I get very horny mentally a lot but there is rarely a response downstairs...if anything I feel it as tension in my pelvic floor as opposed to my penis. Also, I noticed that I always lie on my side on my laptop and so I have been sitting upright with the computer on my lap so that I can't fiddle. Hopefully that will make a difference!!!! Penis pretty much lifeless though.

PS is it unhealthy to fantasise over girls in real life?? Trying to not even watch music videos etc but my eyes can't help but be drawn to women in front of me in public.
 
F

fnatk

Active Member
Hey there benjaminnn! You've taken a big step in admitting your problem to yourself, I know how it is to finally come out from being in a state of denial about ones problems... not exactly fun! But you're here now and that's what counts.

Have you read up about the way this addiction works? There are some truly excellent articles on yourbrainonporn.com, I'd suggest checking out FAQ's etc to help you understand yourself and the journey you are now on much better.

As for fantasies, yes they are harmful to your rebooting process. I know its extremely difficult to stop fantasizing (For me its been the hardest thing to do actually) but its important that you try stopping yourself from indulging in it. It shares many of the same pathways as watching porn does and can also become a trigger leading you to relapse.
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
Hey man thanks so much for your comment.

I have read quite a few of those articles I just wondered if everyone else had similar issues I guess. I really appreciate the encouragement!

So I came to the end of day 2 and I am suddenly painfully aware that sex references are EVERYWHERE... I know it's obvious and I knew it anyway but it's like it really struck me now... Feel like I am consciously fighting to avoid all these things now.

Still no movement in the penis. It is all very much pelvic floor tension and mental arousal, which I am blocking. I may start a reverse kegel routine to relax my pelvic floor, anyone else done this as opposed to kegels during their reboot?
 
skrodriguez

skrodriguez

Member
Hi benjaminnn!

Reading your first post I know the feeling well, that fierce determination that comes from being fed up right after masturbating. Go easy on yourself, have a calm resoluteness instead of an angry/frustrated one. The frustration will pass so not beating up on yourself will help in my experience. I also find we tend to rebel against internal discipline, so if you calmy remind youself why you are doing this and that you are not fighting yourself, you'll be better placed to go further.

I still remind myself of this all the time becuase believe you me, I know where you are coming from.

Good luck, no, let me rephrase, it has nothing to do with luck, and everything to do with you.
 
boxfit421

boxfit421

Member
You got this man, you can make this change, remember its for the better, to better your life while you're still young. I definitely agree with you on the sex references being everywhere, don't really notice it too much until you have decided to quit the PMO. Sex/Sex references are everywhere, and it can set a trigger, dont let it do that to you!! anytime you see or think something sexual, take that thought out and think something else, or quickly distract yourself with something else. Stay strong
 
O

ollie90

Member
Hi man - we are at the same stage - I am going to try and keep a daily journal also, be great to support eac other through this. I clearly know exactly how you feel as I am feeling same right now! Keep posting and good luck!
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
Hey guys! Great to see that there are positive people willing to help each other in this journey.

I have had issues with internet connection but I'm back now :)

So this week was actually a relative breeze! Have been busying myself with other things completely and have repeatedly stated to myself that this is just my lifestyle now, not a temporary fad like a diet or something.

I saw my girlfriend on Wednesday and even just kissing her was stirring my physical feelings. No touching though. Also I have morning wood back at about 20 percent erect.

I'm going to add a new choice to my life each week, this week is junk food! No junk food from now on. Hopefully next will be cigarettes, such a bad habit.

How is everyone else doing?



 
B

benjaminnn

Member
Day 10

So I'm at the end of day 10 and it's actually going pretty well!!

I would say I'm realising how habitual it was to masturbate, and that realisation has made it much easier for me to stop.

The hardest thing now is when I see very attractive women around (on the tube or whatever) that my immediate reaction is to fantasise. I am doing my best to block this out by saying NO aloud in my mind as soon as I feel it coming, and also telling myself that I can appreciate beauty without imagining something vulgar.

My last note would be that the flaccid penis has shrunk to a ridiculously small size, and I was almost tempted to masturbate just out of fear that I now have an acorn dick...but I will stay strong. 80 more days to go.
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
So I have reached the two week mark, day 14!

I feel pretty good, feel as if I may be approaching a 'flatline', my body is showing no signs of arousal whatsoever. Although I have been having a lot of sexual dreams lately... strange.

Mostly it's just a case of reminding myself that unless my body is aroused then its just my brain looking for a fix, and that is what I'm rewiring.

As a side note, how does everyone feel about PE (e.g jelqing, stretching, kegel exercises etc) ?
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
So day 17...it's actually not hard at all. Been keeping myself out of the house and busy.

A bit sad that the flatline is quite clearly approaching, it's very emasculating...but not more than a broken dick, right?

Also, I have added a counter to my sig for buying cigarettes!!! I'm not sure I can go cold turkey, but as long as I don't purchase any I know I will be able to phase them out, and the counter is such a great idea, maybe it's just an idiosyncrasy of mine but I really feel liable to something now.

Hope all of you are doing well on your respective journeys.
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
Today my morning wood was much better!!! I'd say at least 40-50%...I am now saying to myself 'I am healing...'

Mind over matter

Keep going guys
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
Went out yesterday to a bashment party, was great, did a lot of dancing...
This morning had 50 percent erect mw...
But now I am sooooo distracted and horny dear god.

Think I have to get out the house, I can't have a wank in public!!!!!
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
I've now beaten my previous best ever of 24 days... I think I can actually do this...

The toughest thing is fighting arousal...But I have told myself I don't believe it's true arousal until I am 100 percemt erect...

I am going to make it. I am healing.
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
Hey Klugschieber! Awesome! Congrats at almost getting to a week already!!!

So I'm here at the verge of 28 days... My summary would be that it is a mixture of feelings, some positive, some negative...

Realising how much of it is mental and not physical is integral to success I would say, and that if you don't have a rock hard erection then your body doesn't need a release, your mind does...

Trying to move away from those typical thoughts when seeing sexual imagery or sexy people around is also difficult, but I'm getting better.

I can proudly say that I have not searched for internet porn, masturbated or orgasmed once for 4 weeks!!! 8 more to go :)
 
F

fnatk

Active Member
Damn dude, good job! Hitting 4 weeks clean tomorrow, that's great!
Just stay strong, if you can do 4 weeks you can do 8! :D
 
B

benjaminnn

Member
So guys...totally relapsed and had a massive binge... it was awful.

BUT

Back on track, have a job again, got into college (taking Psychology, Sociology and Law) and have properly stopped smoking at last!!! fingers crossed this time around goes a lot better.

Hope everyone is having success with their reboots.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top