A Big Trigger

[survivor]

Hey!

Survivor here.

I'm reaching out to anybody in cyberspace for a little support right now.

My wife and I just finished watching a movie. Quite unexpectedly a very triggering scene popped up. I'm obsessing on  the image and know this is the kind of thing that can lead me to a slip. It's been four days and the euphoria surrounding the potential benefits of being clean is starting to wear off. This is a very dangerous time for me because, as we all know, old habits die hard. This is a 50 plus year habit so it could be a slow, painful death. That's what always runs through my head anyway. The idea that I have done this thing for so long that I am now unable to stop and what does it really matter anyway. Additionally there is the old lie that, somehow or other, my life will be missing something without it. The truth is my life will be missing something without it - all the pain and grief that it has given me over the years. However, because I've never lived without porn for any extended period of time I live with some unknown, yet deep seated fear surrounding the concept of living without it.

I cannot accurately put it into words but part of it has to do with a feeling of emptiness in my gut. A deep sense of loss. Through my years of examining this thing I have come to realize that, in an odd way, it has become a sort of companion that always steps in whenever I'm down. It just occurred to me that a part of me does questions if I can make it on my own without my addict to comfort me whenever I'm down. I know that's the piece I have to go through, no matter what happens, but I have always ultimately backed away from it because I have refused to suffer with the discomfort that has arisen whenever I have tried to quit in the past. I think my longest stretch of sobriety has been 45 days. The reasons I went back after that time in the past are something I will discuss when the situation arises this time.

What I know is this. At the moment the addiction is residing within me. It is a palpable feeling within my body. This is a very dangerous time for me. However, as time passes the addiction gradually moves outside of me. When that happens I don't feel the strong gut wrenching pull that I am currently experiencing. Once that happens I am in a much better position to make a conscious, healthy decision regarding staying away from it. However, it's always there at my doorstep waiting to enter my space again if I let it in.

Anyway, I needed to share what's happening for me at the moment. I'll check in some time tomorrow.

Thanks to whomever is out there reading my stuff. It gives me strength just to know that I don't exist within a vaccum.


Ciao for now.

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi Survivor

This is it, This is how the Reboot Nation serves its purpose. In my hearts of hearts I just hope that you haven't slipped.
However if you have, take what you have learned from it. Stay strong! Don't get discouraged and try again. This time more determined to succeed.
It is so easy to realise all the things and be aware of all the triggers, saying to yourself: This is it. I'm aware of the temptation. And then have it all play out in you mind by keeping on thinking about it and then at the end having a conversation with yourself in your head. This then leads to thinking just this one last time, It won't be so bad. I have made it this far, I can always do it again and next time do it better. Then all that will happen is to slip and go back to your old ways.
Remember you are trying to break the habit of 50 odd years. It won't happen in an instant. Ask me about it, you can read my story titled Victory over PMO.
Just remember no matter what the outcome. You need to not get discouraged! Keep on believing in yourself! Take what you have learned so far and apply it.
You are a Survivor!
Be blessed

 

[Bibbity]

You are consciously observing your thoughts and you are distancing yourself from what you "would have done" and what you are choosing now.  I think that is a HUGE step forward!!

I always look up movies on Google to see if there are going to be triggering scenes.  It's not so bad now of course as my husband has been PMO free for over a year but I am still wary and honestly I don't even want to support those types of movies anyway!

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Hi Survivor,

Hang in there man, I hope you are still on the wagon.  I am also afraid of triggers as I will say that in many ways my porn usage wasn't so extreme, pretty much mainstream stuff, I actually liked "average looking" women, so triggers in regular movies abound for me. 

But I do have to ask, have you discussed your issues with your wife?  I am in a relationship where she knows the general outlines of my difficulties and I find it very strengthening to be able to talk things out.  Also take a look at the karezza practices and maybe you can connect with your wife in a very different way.  My SO and I don't practice it the way most people do it, but we feel we have the spirit of it on our relationship.  To me, hugging and kissing is truly anti-porn, it is what you cannot get from the screen, so getting a lot of that has been enormously helpful to me!

OHG

 

[survivor]

Thanks for the input.

Now that I got busted again last week my wife and I are pretty open about this stuff. We weren't for quite some time because I had kept my behavior a secret for the past year, however, since my getting caught again we talk about it a lot. She is also very supportive because she loves me 'the crazy fool'! I joke because I tell her that all the time. Anyway, since I made the decision to connect with you folks earlier this week we are very relaxed with the issue. She respects my decision to get better and is there for me in whatever way I need.

I am a very lucky man.


Cheers!

Survivor