Actually starting a journal

[reddleman]

It's been a little while since I've posted an update. I'm going through the "Understanding Addiction" (currently lesson 18). I've still been struggling and failing with MO. But these lessons are giving me hope that I can emotionally mature and not need orgasm as an emotional crutch.
They are going over a wheel of addiction where there are several elements that come into play when acting on urges. Under the "Accomplishment" section there was this example that hit the nail on the head concerning my personal was of acting out:

"Consider the behavior of a compulsive masturbator. Usually, compulsive masturbation combines sensory stimulation and fantasy to reach the predetermined goal of achieving orgasm. Let's say that a particular masturbation session last one hour and the goal of orgasm is reached, thus providing the combined high of those three elements of the wheel (fantasy, sensory stimulation and orgasm) as well as the additional high from having succeeded in accomplishing a goal. The pleasure obtained from the sexual act(s) quickly diminish after orgasm, but the feelings of accomplishment give the person a booster shot ? allowing the euphoria to continue. The same person who sets out to reach orgasm and does not, will still feel some of the pleasurable effects (sensory stimuli, fantasy), but rather than reinforcing those feelings with success, they are accompanied by failure, which creates an even greater need for orgasm. This is the scenario of compulsive masturbators who do so to the point of injury, or complete physical exhaustion.
This same "goal-oriented" behavior can be found in the pleasure received when bringing a partner to orgasm. Often, it can be taken to the extreme in that the sole purpose of the sexual activity becomes the partner's achievement of orgasm ? to the detriment of intimacy and pleasure. "

In other news, I feel like my wife and I are more comfortable talking to each other and having non sexual physical contact and even some lightly sexual flirting. Athol Kay, who I'm doing counseling with has worked us up to the point where we are slowly getting comfortable being physical again by cuddling or physically touching for a minute a day. Since I am rarely looking up outside sexual stimulation or porn but my wife is understandable skeptical of how long this will last and when I will be completely free, we are taking it slow.

 

[reddleman]

From Lesson 19 of recoverynation:

"What's worse, the sexual addict has already ingrained certain reactions (rituals) to certain situations that they have used again and again to stimulate a particular emotional response. Once ingrained, these reactions are experienced as compulsive in that...once a triggering event is experienced, there is an expectation to engage in the ritual in order to manage the emotions triggered. Earlier, we shared how no one can know with absolute certainty how a particular action may be experienced. This remains true, but with ingrained compulsive behavior, the action/response has been experienced so many times that it is about as close to certainty as you can get. Not the consequences of the action, mind you...but what is certain is the emotional stimulation derived from the action in the here and now. The temporary escape. The temporary euphoria. The temporary "whatever". People with addictions come to know that when they do this (add a compulsive ritual here)...they are certain to experience this (add the ingrained reaction here). And the more certain that becomes, the less relevant things like values and consequences become in the decision-making process."

I'm thinking more and more that the core of my problem may be that I have to learn to become more and more comfortable with uncertainty and unsure emotions. Getting comfortable being uncomfortable is one of the big tenants of grappling or striking martial arts. I thought that I was pretty good at it. But am realizing now how much using an addiction to regulate my emotions has really blunted my personality and stunted my interpersonal growth, inner emotional growth and even physical growth. how many times have I delayed something that I said I wanted to do to act out and PMO instead? How I spend my time and my money tells me my true priorities.