My Journal: Road to Rebirth

[LiveTheLife1996]

DAY 1

Hi, I'm an 18 year old guy who is struggling with a PMO addiction, but my main problem is masturbation with fantasy rather than porn. I have been trying to quit since December 2013, and to say i am sick of failing is a gross understatement. All i want is to be free of this addiction. I can go a few days without doing i e.g. 6 or 7 days but then crash back into a binge. Masturbation affects me physically as it drain my energy like a vampire and it also affects me psychologically, i have real confidence and self esteem issues and feel like it is the root cause of my lack of friends and social failings. I have been scouted as a model before and told i am good looking multiple times by different people so i know it is not an issue of me being ugly (not being arrogant, just going on the evidence i have). I try to act confident around people but i feel like they can still see that i am not really confident and maybe can sense a weird aura about me? I believe excessive masturbation is the cause of this.

I have written journals in the past and failed but that was when i wasn't working to improve the rest of my life. I am now being much more strict with my weightlifting, trying to read more books and go on the internet less, doing bioenergetic exercises in the morning (Elliot Hulse) and meditating etc.. So i think doing this journal daily will be the final piece in the jigsaw.

So anyway, today is day 1 and i am excited to be actually logging my progress this time and will hopefully be able to get the likely depression/withdrawal symptoms on here and out of my system.

 

[LiveTheLife1996]

DAY 2

Ok so Day 1 was pretty uneventful in terms of urges but I did feel extremely depressed at times. This is mostly because its the summer holidays and because I am 18 they're even longer as i finished my final exams at my school. I have no work days this week which means I want to go out with my friends, trouble is they've either gone on holiday and aren't in the country, are working every day or are just otherwise busy. Although I do have stuff to do by myself at home such as practising guitar, watching a TV series, working out, reading a book etc. I get the feeling that my mum, who is also here everyday, thinks I don't do anything and that I don't have any friends (which, sadly, I agree with at times).

Whether this depression was made worse by the hangover from my final ever MO session I don't know but I what I do know is that I can't afford to fail at this anymore, I have university starting at the end of September and I need to have changed by then. I don't want to go into this new beginning and make a less than great impression because I'm still carrying the burden of low self esteem, confidence, energy and happiness that this habit is causing.

Ok, got some stuff off my chest. Now going to do some meditation to start the day and then keep trying my best to keep myself entertained here at home. 

 

[LiveTheLife1996]

DAY 3

No urges at all on Day 2, although I'm  sure there are many incidents yet to come :/ Working in the evening like I was yesterday does help to get your focus on productive things instead of getting bored. Anyway felt pretty good yesterday and didn't feel depressed, wonder if maybe this was partly due to not browsing the internet as much. I find sites like Facebook make me compare my own life to those of my friends which often does not end well. Although I'm sure everyone does this and it makes them feel at least a bit depressed, there is just no point in me putting myself through even more hard feelings in what is undoubtedly already going to be an extremely difficult and emotionally challenging adventure. Have to keep busy with the things that are healthy for me and make me happy.

 

[LiveTheLife1996]

DAY 4

Felt a lot happier yesterday as I finally managed to arrange some things for me to do next week, like playing squash with a friend so that should keep me busy and keep the urges at bay. I feel back to how I was before my relapse binge 3 days ago, more energetic and clear minded. I have to be careful though as i know this is usually the day some mild urges start appearing for me. It's good then that I'm out for the whole afternoon at work and then lifting weights this evening, should be too tired out to think of trying anything, i'm then up early again tomorrow morning as well which will also help.

Keeping a journal seems to be very effective at the moment, it's like i can just put down whatever im feeling instead of holding it in and letting it eat away at me. I now understand why so many people keep diaries, probably as much about getting their emotions out on paper as anything else. 

 

[LiveTheLife1996]

DAY 5

Yesterday went fast, mainly because I was finally out of the house and it was a busy day at work. No real urges to speak of, I don't want to get complacent but this is definitely the cleanest run at this I've had so far. Before I used to edge all the time during these streaks and still carried on, but this time I'm not even fantasising which is something of a miracle for me and i can feel the side effects of nofap more profoundly as a result (very clear minded at the moment and much more energetic than I am when I am not on NF). I don't feel noticeably different in terms of confidence yet but the depression that I experienced in the first two days has disappeared for now, and I wouldn't say that I feel happy and fulfilled but I do definitely feel better than before I started.

 

[LiveTheLife1996]

DAY 6

Day has only just begun but can already feel that it is going to be the hardest so far. Just woken up and had to use all my willpower to resist a pretty strong urge. Got to keep really busy to stay on track today, getting close to the end of week one and can't afford to give up now. Making it through these next two days will be a real challenge but the benefits I am seeing so far make it definitely worth the effort, just can't wait to get through Day 7 so I can go into flatline which will make it easier to keep going. 

 

[LiveTheLife1996]

DAY 7

I must have ahd a wet dream last night because I woke up to see i had exploded all over my pj bottoms, i also felt like i had just had an orgasm which isn't good. I know when this has happened before i tend to find that one ejaculation doesn't derail me too much and the side effects of NoFap seem to return after a few hours. I won't reset the clock because I'm counting this as a nocturnal emission which don't count if i remember correctly. I feel quite flat as I'm writing this due to the effect that the release seems to have had on me but i'll carry on and won't give up because something that was fundamentally out of my control has set me back.